SRS I feel like I don't have any self control

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Stilgar1973, Aug 25, 2006.

  1. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    This story is really effed up.

    Okay. 6 months ago I wanted a bicycle to ride. Mine needed $250 worth of work. I found one online but wanted my Fathers opinion before buying it.
    We looked at it and he asked me if I really wanted to spend $200 on a new bike. I was like, 'Well no. Ever since my accident I haven't even wanted to ride. This is mostly guilt that I want this bike, like I have always had one and the shape my current one is in is just awful. I want to ride, but I don't know I will.'.
    So he made a deal with me. He would buy the bike for himself. But I can use it for this summer. I wouldn't spend any money and if I did choose to ride it I could buy myself one over the winter.

    Okay. That is how I aquired this bike. I have no issue with it or how I aquired it or anything.

    A month ago my car broke down. I had a P.O.S. 16 year old Tracker. I never got a quote on getting it fixed. My opinion on the problem (massive coolant leak) was that it would be over $100 and that I wasn't willing to spend even that much to fix this car. It was time for a new car.
    I am currently living with my girlfriend. We had bought a new car in the late spring for her to use. I was hoping to get another year out of my car before we needed to buy another one.
    The day before I made the decision not to allow the mechanic to look at it I was riding with my Father. The mechanic was acting like an ass. He kept promising to look at the car by the end of the day - this was the 2nd day he had promised and he hadn't looked at it. I felt like I was in a holding pattern, I couldn't do anything until I heard from the mechanic.
    So my Father starts giving me hell. He starts chewing me out about how I am driving a 16 year old car that isn't worth getting fixed, how I have no plan for getting the car fixed how I borrowed his car and that I shouldn't have to do that. He just goes on and on and on and it makes me feel pretty bad about myself.

    So the next day my girlfriend and I go to the car dealer where we got her car and got another car.
    The payments on it where very affordable. However, when I called up my insurance company and saw about taking my Tracker off and putting this car on - well I would be paying more per month for the insurance then the car!
    (in retrospect I have learned a thing or two about insurance since then, the car was being co-signed by my girlfriend, if we had put it on her insurance, added me as a driver and dropped my car insurance altogether it would have been affordable, however at the time I didn't know this)

    So I immediatly called the mechanic and had him NOT look at the car. Of course he hadn't gotten to it yet.

    So I tell my Father that I had gotten a car from a dealer. I tell him the payments are fine but the insurance is not. I tell him I had a thought about putting it on my girlfriends insurance but I hadn't looked into it yet.
    (at the time we had not taken possesion of the car, just signed some paperwork)

    He calls me later in the day kind of freaking out. He said that he felt responsible that I had gotten so in debt and that it was bothering him. He has a minivan that is a '97 Grand Caravan he has been wanting to get rid of. He said that he would give it to my girlfriend and I with no strings attached if we wanted it. He said that he had been looking at a new car and he had priced trade in and such on the minivan and had never been happy with the answer. He would rather give it to me then get a token $1000 from a dealer.

    I talked it over with my girlfriend and we accepted and then cancled the deal on the car from the dealer.

    I needed to tell you all that so that you can understand my feelings about what happened tonight.

    On Sunday my parents were at my girlfriends Father's house for dinner. My Father said that he wanted the bike back so he could do a special ride on the next Saturday.
    I work a weird schedule. I work 5 minutes from where they live, but I live 40 minutes away. So the next day I worked was Wednesday. I brought the bike with me.
    I forgot the damned bike seat. Everything else I had - no seat.

    He was dissapointed, I said I would bring it today.

    So today I am at work and my Mother calls - I forgot the damned seat again.

    Here is the thing.
    I work a 12 hour shift. 6pm - 6am. As hard as it may be to believe I don't get a lunch break. Even if I did it is an hour back home and an hour here. It would take me two hours to retrieve the seat. My supervisor is not in tonight, I get away with a LOT on nights like tonight. But even for me leaving here for two hours to retrieve a bike seat seems like something I shouldn't even contemplate.

    When I get off from work most of the time I drive home. Probably half the time I drive home I start falling asleep at the wheel within 10 miles of my destination.
    I am having trouble imagining myself getting off work at 6am, driving home and then driving back. Even if I do sleep at my parents. I am going to be asleep at the wheel.

    I tell my Mother that I am sorry, really, really sorry I forgot the seat but I can't see what can be done.
    She is like, 'Can't your girlfriend bring it in?'.
    She then told me that my Father has been throwing a fit about the damned seat ever since I forgot it yesterday and that he is so mad at me already that I don't want to talk to him. She started insisting that I leave work and retrieve it.

    A lot of things are running through my head now.
    One of them is how annoyed I get when someone asks something from me that they would never ever do themselves. There is no way in hell my Mother would leave work for 2 hours to retrieve something for me.

    Hell, when my car broke down I called them first (cause I knew they were not doing anything) and they wouldn't pick me up at my stranded car until after I had confirmed that I couldn't get a hold of my girlfriend. And that was on a Sunday afternoon where they were sitting around the house!

    I pointed this out to her, I said to her, 'You would NEVER do something like this for me. It isn't fair for you to expect this from me.'.
    That is when she launched into how I am a dissapointment and that they expected me to forget the seat and that they aren't surprised in the least that I did this.

    I'll tell you, I was so mad I couldn't see straight.

    Here is the thing.
    I had all these conflicting emotions inside of me. I don't know what are legit, what aren't, what are fair and what are selfish. I have no idea.

    I mean, I am mad as hell at myself. I am beating myself up inside my head like nobodies business. I do forget stuff. I have always done this. Ever since I was a kid. This is something I do and here I am doing it again. God, I am just pissed at myself.
    I am mad at them, I mean - what the hell? How can you demand something like this from anyone? WTF?!?!
    But then I think about that van and I really feel guilty, cause now I am mad at these people that just gave me a car. FUCK!

    And then as I am talking to my girlfriend she agrees to deliver to my parents house. She says that I am now determined to drive home and get it and that it is my pay that pays the bills (what can I say, I make more then her) and that I sholdn't be risking my job for something like this. I am talking to her and I am like, 'See how easy it is to pull my strings?'

    And now I feel like some sort of sucker. And that causes me to think about the van and that causes me to think about myself forgetting the seat and that causes me to think about my parents.
    Around and around I go.

    Fuck.

    They have the damned seat now.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Be happy that you forget some things every now and then, it makes you a human being instead of a robot. Those 12 hour shits are insanity but that's not the main issue here.

    First thing, is the money issue. Your better off saving off money and buy something nice, then being broke and buying trash. DONT buy trash. Im not going to doubt the quality of the vehicles you bought but since they are causing you all sorts of problems, you might want to get expert advice before you buy another vehicle , wether it be a bike or a car, for example i know near to zero about cars. When i bought my occassion i went to a forum for occassion cars, i let myself be informed so that even if in then end its a misfortunate buy i can't blame myself for not being properly informed and not doing my best to get a decent bike/car.

    Why is your family involved into the things that you buy? Seperate private affairs from bussiness affairs. Also when buying something, make sure you are properly informed about insurance, because hey i also don't like all the reading, but when coming into trouble or an accident, you want a decent back-up of your insurance and not an extra amount of un-organized chaos.

    Bring order into chaos, you see organizing your life now , saves you from troubles later,see how your brought your family into this only ended up in your disorganised situation to spread over to your family resulting into everyone having to deal with your shit that you (in my opinion) should have kept and solved for yourself. Not blaming because you know your dad offered it yourself, so it would have been tempting to go into your dads offer.

    All in all this is just you basically stepping into a landmine, and having you slapping your face looking afterwards to what happend. Look, prevention is better then healing, so if you learned from this mistake that you should not run like a chicken without a head into things buying shit that brings you only more shit (there is a saying that 'buying something cheap can be expensive') exactly for these kind of troubles.

    But there's more even if other people never do anything good to you, does that justify you not to do good to others?

    46If you love only those who love you, what reward will you get? Even the tax collectors do that.

    47Do you speak to your brothers only? If so, you are not doing any better than other people. Even people who do not believe in God do that.

    48You must be good in every way, as your Father in heaven is good in every way.'

    Not that i want to go biblical on you, but keep on helping and loving other people. Forgive yourself for forgetting , yeah it wasn't nice but it doesn't make you a bad person because you know, you didnt do it on purpose right? So even tho it was not a desirable situation. Its not something you should hit yourself so hard with. Just 'try' to prevent it from happening in the future if possible. You need to move on.
     

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