SRS I feel like a ghost :(anonymous thread)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Jan 12, 2008.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I know ton's of people, I've been going out a lot recently, I've even had girls offer themselves to me just because . People tell me I'm attractive, and I have confidence in both my appearance and abilities. I for some reason still feel like a ghost. I know all these people but not a single one of them knows me.

    I leave for basic training for the army soon, and I look through my contact list on my phone, friends list on AIM, and facebook and shit and I don't see a single person I can talk to once I leave. I am not saying they don't want to talk to me rather I don't know how to talk to them. I have alot of family but I can't even bring myself to tell them of the things I do on the weekends lol. I have kinda been able to deal with any issues on my own since I can remember, I don't know the last time I cried because I told myself it's a sign of weakness. I am sure I can be sentimental but I just don't know how. I am afraid people will walk all over me, or use what I reveal to them against me, and that I may possibly reveal information that makes me look bad to them. I've never had a long relationship with any females because of this, whenever anyone gets in an argument with me the first thing they attack is how I don't show any emotion and that I am like a robot.

    How can I deal with this? Saying to try and open up with someone I'm close to is a good start when I don't actually feel close with anyone I know. I have given up on relationships because I always make them fail. Everything usually goes smooth and then I back off suddenly. I know it's not right but I tell myself it's whats best and when I tell myself anything I do it regardless from sports to decisions like that. Any girls I interact with now are "fuck buddies" none I can call and say hi to in the middle of the night or get a call from asking about my day.

    It makes me laugh, because I have had people tell me how lucky I am and jealous they are because of this and that. I'm doing good in school, graduating early have a future, girls, looks and whatever. Yet I would kill to be in any of their shoes with the long time friends and people to surround myself with. I know why I do it and it is because I have always moved every 2 years ( for no apparent reasons) so I made it a point not to get too attached to anyone or anything. Even now I still have boxes of my stuff in my closet from a year ago. I just don't know how to change it. I can easily and simply deal with all of this but I know it would be better to fix it.
     
  2. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    What do you think is at the core of that feeling? Why is it you don't talk to anyone about who you really are?


    Was there a time when you did express yourself and experienced some severe consequence?

    There is a reason you've built these walls. Was there dysfunction in your family while growing up, or even into the present?

    I don't think moving around is the source of this behavior. I think it served to reinforce it, but that's as far as it goes. If moving were the issue, you wouldn't have asked DE to make an anonymous post for you -- I can presume that, based on the rarity of a coincidence.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by METALLlC BLUE
    What do you think is at the core of that feeling? Why is it you don't talk to anyone about who you really are?

    I'm afraid I suppose, of having someone exploit my emotions and feelings and taking advantage of me. I also feel as if I need to be strong and a solid example to the people that look towards me.


    Quote:
    Was there a time when you did express yourself and experienced some severe consequence?

    I remember when I started this and it was when I was like 7. I had told my mother something of how I felt and cried. She listen and shit was normal but then like 2 days later I did something wrong and while we where at like the dinner table with my brother and sister around she said something along the lines of "and your probably gonna come crying like a little girl"
    I was really embarrassed being the oldest brother and all.


    Quote:
    There is a reason you've built these walls. Was there dysfunction in your family while growing up, or even into the present?

    My family is pretty normal, we have had our problems like everyone else, nothing severe. My other siblings talk to my mom and stuff I never have tho.


    Quote:

    I don't think moving around is the source of this behavior. I think it served to reinforce it, but that's as far as it goes. If moving were the issue, you wouldn't have asked DE to make an anonymous post for you -- I can presume that, based on the rarity of a coincidence.

    I know how stupid it all may seem especially tracing it back to something when I was 7 but it's just how it is.
     
  4. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Have other people besides your mother exploited you or taken advantage of you when you had expressed how you felt while in a vunerable state?

    Since that time, have events like that happened again? If so, can you explain further. If not, have you ever talked to your mother about how embarrased you felt that day, and how you'd communited days earlier and things were fine and suddenly it was brought up before everyone? Children cry, they feel and they see the world through a pair of eyes with only 7 years experience, running around a house, so it's very inappropriate for someone to shame a child for being a child. I hope you realize that.

    I think that experience in the past had a lot to do with it, what do you think?

    See that's the thing, in this dialogue between us, only one of us thinks it's stupid. That event at age 7 was a turning point, a major memory was formed that day in the mind of a child. A major caretaker, responsible for both your physical and mental wellbeing, concretely reinforced a point that day, that it was not ok to come to people who you love or trust while vunerable to express yourself, for they will violate that trust.

    The hard part is you still go on loving them, while also not trusting them. The relationship becomes strained as a result since it's very difficult to love without trust.

    Based on what you've told me, I can see why you'd act and respond to the people around you today.
     

Share This Page