SRS i feel like a child at 27-years old

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by black jesus, Apr 21, 2008.

  1. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    When I'm talking to women, I feel like a child talking to an adult, like they're going to crush me with their response at any moment, and wasting every second. I don't know if its something to do with not being as mature as I should be for my age and my career, if its a lack of emotional development with women from avoiding interaction or very little success, or if that's just how it is.
     
  2. PureEnergy

    PureEnergy New Member

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    I have read a majority of your previous threads and I can relate to them. I'm also in a situation a lot worse than your in.
     
  3. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    Why is it a competition? Something that's important to you is probably fucked up. This is really important to me because its been a problem for my all my life, and its only getting worse. Sure its just women, but the sole reason I'm here is because some guy was good enough to bang some chick and forgot to pull out and bam, black jesus was born. I won't ever have the chance to experience love or whatever again, I think that's fairly important. Think about being socially mute, its like everything around me is a prop, not real, a game, and for some reason I can't manipulate them the way I'm supposed to.
     
  4. PureEnergy

    PureEnergy New Member

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    I did not mean to make it a competition and yes its important to me because I have also been having trouble with this all my life.
     
  5. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    This is not true, find a therapist. If you cant afford one go through the county health services. You wont regret it.
     
  6. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    I've been through this. I make too much money for the sliding scale. I make decent money, but they don't have a mechanism that compensates for my $861 student loan payment that royally fucks my life.
     
  7. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    I'd say it has less to do with maturity and emotional development, and much more to do with self-esteem issues.

    I'd be excited to hear about your successful/failed social interactions you have. What I mean is you could keep a log of every social interaction that you care about, and afterwards, write down how you think it went.

    I did this while I was in therapy, and although I spent hours telling my therapist how confident I was, she could easily point out a ton of sentences I would write down that actually showed a deep insecurity that even I didn't realize I had.

    This way, we could hear your thoughts at the time and help you realize your self-defeating thoughts. Every time you make a thread, it's probably just a summary of a million thoughts you've had recently. These types of problems are better cured from the root.

    It's just a suggestion. Perhaps you could start up a thread and just post it in whenever you want.

    As I've said before, I just really don't want to see you fall into the trap of taking advice and forgetting it once you're out in social interactions.
     
  8. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    excuses = rationalization

    you work hard enough and you can find one
     
  9. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    everyone here is pretty much tired of hearing about whatever my problems are.

    I might start writing all that shit down...but at this point I've pretty much cut off interacting with people all together. I've effectively given up, again. I guess I'll wait another 8-years and maybe the pattern will continue.
     
  10. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    well, you can also look at motherfucking reality. I don't understand what the fuck why everyone thinks this is so simple. My options are to either not pay rent or not pay my student loan. $436 per month is a large chunk of money for me. I don't see what's so difficult about I DON'T MAKE THAT MUCH MONEY PER MONTH!!!!!oneoneone
     
  11. Jampy

    Jampy New Member

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    64,997 posts I think your interacting enough.

    Have you thought of calling the loans office to see if they can provide you with a "grace" period?

    nothing about reality is simple, Good luck.
     
  12. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    forums are my only real communication with people, aside from that I just sit around my apartment or go out alone and make an ass of myself.

    The grace period is not an option. I could go back on deferment but all that interest compounds monthly and my payments keep going up and up. The way it sits now, after all my bills (I'm not talking about cable TV or shit like that) I have $288 to buy gasoline and food with.
     
  13. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    This post alone is a perfect example of why a journal would help you.

    You have no idea if people are tired of hearing what your problems are. You can't assume to know what people think. When observing another person's words or actions, people with depression/anxiety assume to know much more than they actually do know.

    Your self-defeating thought here on this board tell me that you probably constantly have the same self-defeating thoughts in social situations too. "She probably has a boyfriend," or "She probably wouldn't like me," or "That date went terrible! She won't want to see me again."

    You would be completely surprised if you knew what people actually thought. Most people have the same insecurities as you, just on a larger or smaller scale.

    You could say "I have a feeling that people on this message board are getting tired of hearing my problems." That would be an opinion, and you would subconsciously accept it. However, when you state it as a fact, as you did, you subconsciously accept it as a fact. If you were talking to a girl and said to yourself "She isn't interested in me," then the battle is over. You have already lost. A fact is a fact.

    The world isn't always as you think it is. I freaking love Star Wars, so I'll quote Qui-Gon Jinn and say "Your focus determines your reality." Stop focusing on the "facts."
     
  14. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    I disagree. I know I'm not exactly intelligent, far from it. I sure as hell wouldn't assume my muddied opinions of my experiences were more accurate than an opinion of someone who is capable of maintaining relationships and has a successful social life.

    I'm not exactly the most intelligent person, if I were I'd probably be making more money, have more friends, and not be in this thread right now. I respect everyone's advice here.

    I'm so worried every time I speak to anyone, but especially with women who are high in demand and where I have tons and tons of competition from people who look better, are taller, more "pumped", better cloths, better hair, more intelligent, more conversational. I don't want to annoy people. I don't want to be the weird guy who won't go away. Until I spend some more time in the gym, get better cars, buy a house, and do a bunch of other shit, I'm not going to do well with women.
     
  15. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    You're approaching it like they have to approve of you. Something to keep in mind:

    They already know the kind of man they like, and you're already the kind of man you are, so they already know whether they like you or not, they just never had to think about it before. All you're doing is finding it out; all the prep work happened over the course of the past 27 years, there's nothing you can do now, so just let the chips fall where they may.
     
  16. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    I typically approach it thinking, "I hope I know what to do so the don't figure out that I'm a miserable fuck."

    I know its futile and I have to "let the chips fall," but I really am tired of spending all my time alone. It gets so old. I'm so fucking lonely.
     
  17. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Social interaction is just like anything else: it can be improved with practice.

    He can develop more confidence and self-esteem and absolutely be the type of man most girls want. He isn't "stuck" with what he has.

    100% of his failures are in is head, caused by catastrophic and self-defeating thoughts. Some people do get better, and he is obviously intelligent enough to be one of those who overcome the problems, whether or not he will admit it.

    There is something he can do about it, and he can start right now.
     
  18. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    That's the wrong approach, Socrates. I agree that superficial stuff can be improved, but on the whole, it's safe to assume he's the person he wants to be because he likes being that person, so he will always default back to who he "really is" when it comes to important issues. So it's better not to present a facade that makes him look like someone he isn't, only to get into one potentially-successful relationship after another that fails because he was lying about who he is.

    Seriously, if he just accepts that he is who he is and she likes who she likes and there's no changing either one, it becomes a hell of a lot easier to get rejected, because you didn't do anything wrong, you just didn't match up at all and so it wouldn't have been worth the effort to try anyway.
     
  19. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    I prefer to apologize (humorously!) for having no game whatsoever. Surprisingly, they usually relax a lot when I say that, because it means they don't have to try to read between my lines to decipher meanings that aren't really there.

    One thing women will never forgive is a guy who thinks he's a miserable fuck. You're not a miserable fuck, you're just weird. Of course, if you've based your entire life on the notion that you should be like other people, then yes, I suppose you are a miserable fuck -- but those people whom you have let dictate the standards of your life are going to die too, no matter how fantastic they are at being cool, so their opinions really aren't worth more than your own.

    Unless you're drunk, stoned, half-naked, and living in a cardboard box in an alley, your approach on life has clearly met with some success. So you don't need to continue wondering whether you're "doing it right". The only right way is the way that works, and there are lots of ways that work. Yours is, presumably, one of them.

    If you enter into an interaction with a woman confident in the fact that your personal history proves you're not a complete failure, and that you and she are both the way you are because you like being that way, then it becomes a lot easier to get rejected over and over until you find someone who likes your worldview, because, as I said, you didn't do anything wrong in the first place.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2008
  20. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    I've been reading some self-help on becoming alpha, and taking control of my life...but I keep fucking failing every god damn time.

    It really hit hard to when I was going to a club, which I really didn't want to go to, with some friends on saturday. There were 5 chicks my 4 friends picked up at another bar, so when we went to another bar that doesn't let single guys in unless they drive maseratis. My buddies couldn't even convince this girl to tell the bouncer that she was with me so I could get in the club. She couldn't fucking bring herself to slum it and just for an instant tell a random person that she was associated with me.

    This is what I don't get. I don't understand what's wrong with me. My old roommate and her husband agree that they're perplexed and don't know what my fucking problem is. At this point I've pretty much made up my mind that I'm done trying socially. I have to accept that whatever the ailment is, I won't understand it or be able to do anything about it. I will be alone for the rest of my life. There is no getting out of this, its the way it works.

    I'm like one of those guys who weighs 140lb, and has to go to an adult arcade to experience women. I'm the guy who doesn't know his neighbors because he never goes in or out of the house to meet them, and its a good thing he doesn't because then they'd be creeped out and move. How the fuck did I become the scary rapist guy who sweats and has bad hygine? I'm like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. Its kinda sad. I've been driving the track car because my daily driver is broken. I only have the driver's seat in, and for the last 2 weeks, this hasn't been a problem...lol. :wtc:
     
  21. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    He can't accept who he is, because that is the whole problem from the beginning. The underlying source or problems with people of low self-esteem is because they don't have the "I'm okay with being me," mindset. Instead, they think "I should be this type of guy so others will accept me." If Black Jesus could simply say "I'm all right with who I am!", then he wouldn't have any of these problems. He wouldn't feel he has to have nice things in order for women to like him.

    When you say "it's safe to assume he's the person he wants to be because he likes being that person," I see a very different picture. Does Black Jesus seem like he likes himself? Do depressed people ever really like themselves?

    I'm not saying he should try to change his personality, his beliefs, or any of the things he likes. I don't mean to make it sound like I want him to create a facade of who he is. I'm not talking about Pick-Up Artist stuff and lying about who you are or any lying whatsoever. I'm simply saying he should try to recognize these self-defeating thoughts and beliefs, and change them. Those are very possible to change.
     
  22. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    I agree. I'm not alright with who I am, I do not want to be me. Me sucks. No one wants to be around me, especially women. Women have always fucked with "me."

    I realize that I'm incredibly negative. We had a new employee in the office that told me last week, "what happened man? I've been here like 4 months and I've never met anyone so consistently negative all the time. At first I thought it was funny, then I thought you were looking for attention, but now I wonder if someone in your family died."

    I had a really good week when I went on a vacation with a random girl back in January. It was awesome. I've been motivated to speak to women since then because I want to feel like that again. I couldn't remember what it was like because I haven't had a date January, 2000. Now I feel like a Heroine addiction every time I talk to a girl and she instantaneously shits on me.
     
  23. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Yes, that was a bitch move on her part. However, that was just her, and plenty of other cute girls would have helped you out.

    However, it sounds like you didn't know this girl. It's not like she was a really good friend and did this to you. How can you take it so personal when she doesn't know anything about you?

    The only thing that really means is two things: 1) She is a bitch, and 2) You aren't good looking enough to get beautiful girls interested in you by looks alone. Fortunately, 99% of men out there aren't good looking enough to get women interested in them based on looks alone. As you already said you are doing, keep going to the gym and improve yourself as much as possible.


    There isn't really anything I can say to give you the courage keep going back out there and trying again. If Abraham Lincoln gave up as easily as you, I'd probably have someone here to make my lunch for me right now. :)
     
  24. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    That just makes it sound even more like you need approval from everyone.

    I already told you, if you're making money and you're not getting thrown in jail every weekend and you're not strung-out all the time, then your take on life is valid. So stop feeling like it isn't.

    - - -

    You know what I did to break free from needing validation? I lived all by myself for months, didn't see anyone, rarely called anyone on the phone, and wrestled with why nobody ever wanted to pro-actively show an interest in me. Eventually I just concluded that it's because I wasn't giving them any reason to notice me. I don't deserve attention, there's six billion people out there for other people to look at. You gotta do your own thing, preferably in public, and try to attract attention that way. Nobody's going to pro-actively want to notice you and think you're cool and go out with you. You have to show that you're worth paying attention to, by doing something that catches their eye. And if nothing you do is that sort of thing, then at least enjoy doing it by yourself.

    To tell you the truth, socialites are all alone too, because they're all only pretending to pay attention to each other so others will pay attention to them. It's all a game.
     
  25. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    hahahahaha, that's fucking great. I'm going to use that.
     

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