I feel happiest when I feel like I am needed

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Kev07, Jan 3, 2010.

  1. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    Was doing some reflecting today and I realized that in any relationship I felt the best/happiest/whatever when I felt like my SO needed me.

    For example, I enjoy it when she cries to me and I can just hold her and make her feel better
    ^sadistic? :mamoru:
    or if she needs advice
    or if I can make her smile and make her day better

    it's almost at the point where if she didn't need me, i dont feel as good :dunno:

    is this a bad quality?





    For psychoanalytical purposes:
    yes my parents are divorced, but i never felt like that affected me that much
    however, because of that, i grew up in a household with 6 other women(aunts, mother, grandmother) and i was the only guy in the house
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    White Knight syndrome. Very common.
     
  3. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I'd rather be wanted than needed.
     
  4. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    maybe im mistaking the wanted feeling for needed :dunno: not sure


    and its funny nomad, cause i used to be completely selfish and then got bored of that, felt good to care concept
     
  5. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Personally the way I look at it is I shouldn't do something just because someone needs (or wants) me to, I should do it because I feel it's the right thing to do.

    I don't tend to derive feelings that I'm needed or wanted from the things I do for other people; I derive those feelings from the things they do in return for me (actually, I'd classify it as feeling appreciated -- people who 'need' or 'want' me to do things or be there and aren't appreciative of it are unattractive).
     
  6. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I don't understand this at all? Seriously...if all someone needs is a hug or shoulder then you'd withhold that simply because they need it? Jesus...selfish much?
     
  7. ChipOnShoulder

    ChipOnShoulder New Member

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    That shit takes work!

    Work in the gym, work in the office...
     
  8. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Umm, that's not what I said. What I'm saying is (and you have to have read the second part of my previous post to understand this), I don't like needy people who aren't appreciative of the people who help them take care of their needs. This means that if they don't ever return the favor when I'm the one in need, or even say thank you, then they aren't appreciative.

    So yes, if someone needs a hug or shoulder but has repeatedly shown that they don't appreciate me doing that for them then I won't continue to do it. I don't think that's selfish, since in the context of a relationship such things are supposed to be a two way street.

    The take away point here is that I don't believe in relying on other people for happiness. Saying that feeling needed or wanted is the only time you feel happy is just another way to say you're codependent, and that's a bad thing. I'd rather find my happiness by knowing that I'm doing right by myself and others. If I'm shown appreciation by others in the process, all the better, but I'm not losing sleep over it if I'm not.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2010
  9. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    that's what i was thinking too

    not sure how far into the codependant thing i am though
     
  10. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Well now you're adding in the element of time which sounds like you're keeping score. I've hugged her 10 times this past week, she still hasn't said thanks and/or shown appreciation and she's still needy....therefore I'm not hugging her! All you've really added is time and either more or less affection. The end result seems to be the same however, that you withhold affection because someone needs it.

    Yes I read the other paragraph before I posted before and I reread it. The idea that you don't derive pleasure from giving to others is ridiculous. Do you give Christmas gifts? Does it give you pleasure to see the look on a loved ones face when you've given them an awesome present that they really wanted? It feels good.

    No actually you're misunderstanding the original post. He didn't say the only time he feels happy is when he's giving to others. He's said he feels the happiest when he's needed and he can give to his loved one. Using the word happiest implies different levels of being happy. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that even if it's popular to claim, "I don't need anyone to be happy"...something which I think is complete bullshit.

    Sure seems like you're going to lose sleep over it. You've already said that if your help/affection/support/whatever isn't appreciated, you won't keep giving it. I mean I can certainly understand that when a relationship is one sided but that's not at all what the original poster is talking about.
     
  11. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    It's popular for people to claim one is codependent when they're not. It's similar to guys giving other guys shit by saying they're "pussywhipped".

    Every relationship has codependency involved. There is nothing wrong with this. Codependency becomes toxic when one loses their sense of self, subjugates their desires/need to those of their partner and is simply doing for the other person without regard to themselves.

    It's a difficult thing to diagnose because some people are quite happy in a codependent relationship. In fact, I know women that are kind of lost when they don't have a man in their life. They are the happiest when they're able to take care of their SO even if that means suppressing their own desires. This isn't always a bad thing.....even if pop psychology wants to make it a bad thing.
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    .
     
  13. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    You keep trying to put words in my mouth; instead of doing that, try to look at what I'm saying and realize where I'm coming from. I'm not saying I keep score, and I'm not saying that I withhold affection because someone needs it. That implies that I'm self-centered and spiteful, and I'm simply not.

    Again, where did I say that? What I said was that I don't derive "feelings that I'm needed or wanted from the things I do for other people" -- meaning that I don't feel any more 'needed' or 'wanted' by other people when I do things for them. What I do is derive happiness when I can tell people appreciate what I've done for them by observing their reaction, and/or happiness within myself from knowing I did right by them.

    Even if a person doesn't appreciate what I've done for them, I still feel happy about doing it and knowing the other person is in a better place because of it. That doesn't mean I'll keep on doing it -- they can find someone else to be there if they don't appreciate me being there. In any other context we'd call this concept "not being a doormat."

    No, actually I understand the post perfectly. I'm just saying that I don't feed on being wanted or needed, but rather on just doing the right thing myself and/or on being appreciated for doing it.

    My reasoning is that there are very few things that a person wants or needs which can't be done by virtually anyone, so it's nice to know that the person I'm doing things for appreciates that I'm the one doing it for them. If they don't appreciate it on some level, I don't need to waste my time on them when I could be spending it with someone else who does appreciate it (even if that means doing things for myself).

    Again, that's a wrong interpretation of what I'm saying. Even when a relationship is two-sided, either individual's wants or needs can theoretically be taken care of by anyone. For that reason I don't view relationships as being based on want or need, but rather on mutual appreciation between two people. As in, if I'm in a relationship with a person I appreciate knowing I can count on them if/when I do need or want something, and I am happy knowing they appreciate being able to count on me when they want/need things.

    THAT IS what the original poster is talking about; that he likes feeling needed/wanted in a relationship. I'm saying being wanted/needed isn't really the thing that makes me happy, it's being appreciated by others for being there to take care of their wants/needs that makes me happy.
     
  14. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Not trying to put words in your mouth....simply providing my interpretations of your post, it's relevance to this thread and obviously revealing some of my own issues. Sorry if I misunderstood your posts.
     
  15. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    so many different angles to look at this from

    but i think bbg hit it dead center, feeling appreciated feels good man :cool:
     
  16. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I feel happiest when my dick is shown appreciation.

    /thread
     
  17. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    In your case the only time your dick gets shown appreciation is while you're in a relationship.

    Therefore, you are your happiest in relationships, correct?




    Fucking semantics.
     
  18. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Technically speaking that is correct, however, it is possible to be in a relationship and not have my dick being shown appreciation.
     
  19. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    :rofl: :werd:


    :hs:
     
  20. LBFilmGuy

    LBFilmGuy LOL why u mad tho?

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    My nga. :bowdown:
     
  21. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    truth
     

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