SRS I feel as if I murdered somebody (VERY LONG)(anonymous post)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, May 8, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Several years ago I met a girl in college. We started dating and dated for over 2 years until we split up. The reason for us parting ways, was because she was ready for the next step, whereas I wasn't. There was an age gap of 5 years between us.

    We still spoke during our break up and went out and we got intimate once. I thought, we were going to come back together, however only later did I realize we weren't going to come back unless I was committed to getting married. I didn't want to get married at such a young age, primarily because I wasn't financially stable and again, the age gap. I was 22 and she was 27.

    After spending some time with her, I realized she started dating other men. Curiosity got to the best of me, and I would ask her questions about these men. Questions such as their profession, where she met them etc etc. She was dating successful and educated men such as an engineer, physician, teacher, etc etc. This made me really jealous; making me feel completely "small" inside and lost much of my self-confidence.

    I realized I do love this person, so in October, we went to the court house and got married. I did this behind my parent's back. We got an apartment together. She lived in the apartment and I lived at home. On weekends, I would spend time at the apartment. My parents disapproved of the relationship due to the age difference and due to her past history. I didn't tell my parents for quite sometime until the incident that happened last month.

    Last month, marked our 6 month anniversary of our wedding. We went out for lunch and she told me that I have 2 weeks to tell my parents or she's going to do it. That night, I got a phone call from her that she's on her way over to my house to tell my parents everything. I freaked out! I woke my Mom up first, and told her what happened & she told my Dad.

    At that moment, I realized, I no longer wanted to be with this person. Not sure what happened to me, but it just happened. She came inside to my parent's house & we all talked inside. My father stated, "since you didn't want to tell us you were getting married and didn't want to involve us, we don't want to get involved in this anymore. you two are both adults, and can make the decision on your own." In front of my parents, I told her, I didn't want to be with her anymore, and I wanted a divorce.

    She broke down crying asking me "what happened" "why" etc etc. I told her that we weren't on the same page. She wants a family - I don't. She wants to settle down - I don't. I realized all of this, after we got married.

    Now, we haven't spoken for quite sometime. This individual had an illegal immigration status, and I was going to help her file for her papers. However now, she just finished college and is going to go back to her home country.

    The point of this thread is, I feel as if I ruined her one & only chance to make something of her life. This person worked over 40 hours a week and graduated honors in her field of science. The guilt is tearing my up inside, to what I did to this individual. I was eating dinner today, and thought about all this, and lost my appetite. I am a monster and this person didn't deserve not one bit of what I had done to her.
     
  2. november

    november New Member

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    To me it sounds like she wanted to marry you because she was an illegal immigrant. Don't feel bad.
     
  3. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    I was thinking the same thing. Sorry broseph :hs:
     
  4. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    I agree with the other two posts, but I also wanted to say that you made the right decision.

    You made a mistake (by marrying without being sure). We all make mistakes, even big ones. You were probably very emotionally confused, by the sound of it. But you did the right thing for yourself, and that's what matters.

    You are not to blame for her aspirations falling apart. If she was depending on becoming a citizen through marriage alone, that is her fault and her fault alone. Not yours in any shape or form.
     
  5. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

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    I wouldn't feel bad. It DOES seem like she only married you due to being an illegal immigrant. You didn't want any of the things she wanted, weren't ready. Better that it ended now than suffering for years to come.
     
  6. amac88

    amac88 New Member

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    My fiancee and I are getting married next year. Weve talked about it alot, and never hid it from anyone. You two apparently werent ready to get married. I would move on and, as hard as it may be, forget about her. Find someone who wants what you want. Im younger than you, but Ive lived through my "partying" days, and am ready to have a marriage and family. Everyone is different, find someone who wants the same things you do and is close to your age. Theyll make a much better partner.
     
  7. Sgt. Friday

    Sgt. Friday Guest

    this exact thing happend to a friend of mines brother. He was guilt tripped into marriage, he was on the fence about it, wasn't ready for it all, he did it anyways because he did in fact love her. She was an illegal immigrant as well, and once she filed the papers she divorced him.
     
  8. t-t-t-today

    t-t-t-today New Member

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    Don't feel bad, women aren't innocent little creatures like they make themselves out to be. She could of just as easily done that to you. Don't worry, her life isn't over. She will find someone who is willing to marry her and she will live happily ever after. You didn't RUIN HER LIFE. She'll be fine, if anything it will only make her a stronger and smarter person.
     
  9. *RARA*

    *RARA* New Member

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    did you marry her out of jealousy?
     
  10. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    It sounds to me like you married her because she wanted to get married, and you got divorced because your parents wanted you to get divorced; in other words, you deferred to the closest authority figure in each circumstance.

    WHAT DO YOU WANT? Can she give it to you?
     
  11. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    she was dating other men and that's why you married her ? Think about it.
     
  12. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

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    I feel so sorry for you. You got caught with someone who obviously was confused, and you got sucked down the toilet with her. She gave you a good lay and locked you into "love".

    The girl you "loved" positioned you into a situation where there was a definite and unmovable demand on you, one she knew would impede your ability to succeed in our society. She made you sacrifice what your potential future could have been instead of working with you on it.

    The girl that you "loved" loved you enough to go dating other men.

    The girl you "loved" loved you enough to get married without the permission or blessing of your parents. ( How much you want to bet she would be kicked in the teeth in her "home country" for that?)

    The girl you "loved" was a fucking honor student in science and I can guarantee that she was doing better scholastically then you. What exactly are you doing for your future?

    With this logic in front of you, how can you say that you did anything wrong? Is it because she cried? Crying can be faked, especially when the goal is to stay in the US.

    Give me observations, what did she do other then say "I love you" that actually showed that she "loved you"? Does not seem that she did much, other then wear your gold and eat your food and live off your dollar while you signed away your soul to her immigration papers.
     
  13. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Lots of women are into the whole sex-as-revenge thing. Every single girl I've dated has hooked up with one of my friends (and one time, I was the friend who got hooked up with) after we broke up. One even slept with my roommate when I was in college; nothing like waking up from a nice nap to hear your girlfriend's voice in the top bunk saying "I can't believe I'm doing this, I'm bed-hopping in the same room." Not that she stopped, of course -- not until she called me to ask if it was okay and I told her it was too late to try to "still be friends". Then she stopped.

    Women. :hahano:
     
  14. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    You did nothing wrong. You certainly married for what I can only assume you now believe were the wrong reasons, but once you fully understood what it was that you really needed, you did what was necessary. Had you not done that, resentment and discontent would have followed you for a long time.

    My opinion: You did the right thing so I hope your guilt alleviates and that you can move forward.

    Easy guys, women aren't the enemy. Generalizations aren't helpful, but your individual experience with particular women is. :)
     
  15. Cock Diesel

    Cock Diesel New Member

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    Before you get into any more relationships, you need to take time out and first figure out what you want, then learn how to not let others dictate what actions you take. Learn how to think for yourself and not let others do the thinking for you.

    As for the age gap....well, I would never date someone 5 years (or more) my senior, because it makes you feel like shit because you think they accomplished more than you did. Well no shit, son......she's older than you, compounding that whole "we're on different wavelength" thing.
     
  16. Christina

    Christina The real voyage of discovery consists not in seein

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    As the other posters said, you did the right thing, because you did the right thing for yourself. You even went so far as to try to do what she wanted to do, even though you weren't ready. You have to do what it takes to live your life as you want it. You can't live life to make someone else happy...if you do you will be miserable. She needs to follow her own path, as do you. If she is as driven and hardworking as you say she is, she will find success even if it's in another country.
    Don't date women that are too much older than you--you need to be with people (friends/dating) in your same mindset.
     

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