SRS I feel alone and depressed and I would appreciate a sympathetic ear/eyes

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Kerberos, Aug 7, 2005.

  1. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    You see, there are some things that you just cannot talk about with acquaintances and even best friends. That is why I turn to this board, full of strangers, in search of an sympathetic ear and perhaps advice.

    I'm a 22 year old engineering student, the best of my class with a 4.0 GPA, caucasian, skinny but slightly toned because I work out 5 times a week. I'm not the hottest guy on earth but I'd rate myself from 8 to 9. I have a lot of great qualities: I'm a great listener, I LOOK self-confident, I'm compassionate, I have a good sense of humor although sometimes a bit too cynical or sarcastic. I'm also energetic, great at everything I do: I get praise from all my coworkers, I have great chemistry and dynamics with them etc. Heck, I even get looks from girls and I currently have two hot chicks flirting with me and showing high interest level at work. So basically, I look like a successful, self-confident guy however that is completely not me.

    You see, my greatest fault is that I am unable to get close to anyone other than on a professional level. I am just so shy and fearful of rejection. So, basically, when I go to a new class, I make tons of friends and have girls flirting me however, I always get to a point about one month into the semester where everyone just abandons me and I am left alone. I mean, I get the friendly exchange of niceties and such however, I never end up having best friends or girlfriends and such. This seems to be because whenever a relationship seems to extend beyond my level of comfortableness, and starts to get more personal, I start to move away from these people for fear that if I am too often with these people they will get bored of me and reject me. However, they reject me because I move away from them. Anyways, I know it sounds stupid and all but I have no idea how to act in deeper social situations. I am totally inept.

    I am sure by this time you have already started judging me about how I should just get off my ass and work to get better at it and such and I agree with you. I have been making a lot of efforts over the past 5 years to become more social and I made much progress. In High School, I was so shy that I could not even talk to anybody. I would just sit in my corner and wonder why people didn't want to be my friend. Now you are probably wondering why I am this way. What has made me so shy and so socially inept. Of course I have a hypothesis which may or may not be true.

    Now, to know more about me, you have to know my parents. My mom was raised a Jehovah's Witness on an isolated farm. Basically, all you need to know about her is that she was sexually abused at home, left home for the big city at 16 years old, ended up living in the streets, getting gang raped and being stone most of that time. She eventually got off of the streets and met my dad. My dad was raised by parents that had a nice house, the vehicle of the year and all the luxuries yet fed their kids with balony and kool-aid and would physically beat them. My dad eventually was forced out of his home before finishing high school because his parents wanted to get rid of him. He became a miner.

    So basically, this is where I come in. I was the second child of a father that never wanted children and a mother that was a religious nut (Jehovah's Witness nut which is a totally different kind of nut). I was beaten and verbally abused by my alcoholic dad up to when I was 12 year old and my mother left him.

    And since my parents were both Jehovah's Witnesses, throughout my school years, they brainwashed me that everyone not a Jehovah's Witness was evil and you should not be friends with them. They prevented me from doing any extracurricular activities and even some activities that were in the curriculum that Jehovah's Witnesses frowned upon (basically everything holiday, evolution, sex). There rules were basically: you can talk to everyone at school but you can't talk of certain things, you cannot talk to girls, you cannot do anything with them out of school. I also had my cousin in my class which would systematically tell on me whenever I did anything and I'd get beaten at home when I got back. There was also my mother that would always be at school watching us. And to add insult to injury, during my 11 years in public school, I went to 6 different schools, lost one year completely where I was 11 when I did not do any schooling at all and was stuck with my sister, my mom and my dad in a small 3 and a half apartment. I also spent 2 years doing school by correspondance. Those 3 years were the most depressing years of my life and at one point I spent 1 month eating nothing and only sleeping. I felt like I was dying and I had become only skin and bones.

    And then, when I was 16, my mother started seeing a 21 year old guy who was worst than my father. I managed to finish high school that year and me and my sister decided to move away together to go to CEGEP (college).

    I lived through poverty my entire life. Actually, my parents were not poor but my dad preferred to spend his money on alcohol, drugs, hookers etc. Basically, all I had was an old bed that my father had found in the garbage, some hand me downs clothes and something to eat.

    Anyways, I'm sure a lot of you have gone through worst and have survived and done better than me however, I think that I have gone through a lot in my life and it has made me a somewhat fucked up person. Now, I want to get out of that, and become a normal well balanced person. Any encouragement, advice or other kinds of help are welcome. I'm going through a difficult time recently.


    Also, I need a girlfriend really bad. So if there are any cool chicks living in Montreal. :x:
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2005
  2. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

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    Just wanted to say I read it so you don't feel so alone.

    thing is.. i dunno what to really suggest, I'm sorta the same way :hs:
     
  3. Henry47

    Henry47 New Member

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    You have a lot going for you "I'm a 22 year old engineering student, the best of my class with a 4.0 GPA, caucasian, skinny but slightly toned because I work out 5 times a week. I'm not the hottest guy on earth but I'd rate myself from 8 to 9. I have a lot of great qualities: I'm a great listener, I LOOK self-confident, I'm compassionate, I have a good sense of humor although sometimes a bit too cynical or sarcastic. I'm also energetic, great at everything I do: I get praise from all my coworkers, I have great chemistry and dynamics with them etc. Heck, I even get looks from girls and I currently have two hot chicks flirting with me and showing high interest level at work. So basically, I look like a successful, self-confident guy however that is completely not me."

    read that to yourself over and over again. I am one of those people who don't really care about what others think. I don't have many friends either but I think it's because I push them away unconsciously. We can forget about your parents and your background, you should examine what specific parts are preventing you from opening up and keeping you from becoming close with peers. Is it because you are afraid of them not liking you? Is it a fear of not being accepted? My advice to you (and it may not be the best) is to concentrate on ONE incident in which you've met someone and it ended in lonliness. Evaluate the situation and ask yourself what you could do to improve it and if it's plausible, do it. My realistic advice to you is: just be yourself. If they don't like you, they shouldn't be your friends/gf. I'd rather be myself and have one good friend then be someone I'm not and have many "friends". Even if you take my first advice and change who you are to gain friends, deep down inside you know that isn't you. One day you'll be laughing with your "friends" and you'll stop and realize "....this isn't me. these aren't my kind of people". If it helps you, I can tell you a bit of my anti-social behavior. I have MANY different personalities. Not separate personalities, but I have frequent mood swings. At times I can be very serious, other times I can be totally random and act like a child. I will speak my mind outright without considering other peoples feelings. I will criticize you without knowing you and cause uncomfortableness without even knowing. I can be serious and mean at times, and as small as a child the next day. The bad news is that I don't have any close friends, the good news is that I have a girlfriend who understands me. She is the female version of me, which is unbelievable since I am very weird. As long as you accept yourself and stop caring about fitting in and having friends, you will be fine. Just concentrate on what's important in your life: you. Others have different opnions than me, they will say that your friends are everything and you must have friends in order to function, but I have the opposite view. As long as you're satisfied with yourself, you can function if you have acquantences. I'm not saying "you don't need friends", but really......what DO you need them for?
     
  4. Verdugo

    Verdugo New Member

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    I'd say your self-centered and vane.
     
  5. Reznik

    Reznik New Member

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    :rolleyes:

    Keep working at it man... I am in a similar position socially however I didn't have the disadvantages you had when you were a child. Which is to say that you overcame so many obstacles and you are at such a position in life. Just like you worked on getting into college, studying hard, staying in shape, communicating at work/professionally. Its now time to work on your social situation.... and you'll get there. Believe in yourself just like you have till now. :) .

    Other than that I don't know what specific advice to give you, but keep analyzing and working on your problems. Good luck man! :bigthumb:
     
  6. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    Any advice on asking a girl out? I'm really fucked up right now mostly because I had this huge crush on this girl that led me on for months. Anyways, there is this other girl at work that I find hot. She gave me various signs. I talked to her about 3 times the week before last, then last week I got too nervous to talk to her. What should I do and say?
     
  7. Henry47

    Henry47 New Member

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    from my personal experiences, it helps to see them as just a friend. Try to find some faults that you cannot stand or irritates you and concentrate on that. This will distract you from trying to impress her, which may lead to awkwardness and a false impression of you. By concentrating on her faults, you will be able to act yourself, which no matter how shitty your personality may be, will still be better than a fake you. :)
     
  8. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    Great idea. I'll try that out.
     
  9. BoypussY

    BoypussY game over.

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    kerberos, i am EXACTLY like you. at least you're not the only one like that. some of the suggestions already posted sound really good.
     
  10. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Your biggest problem is fear of rejection and abandonment. That leads you to miss out on the biggest rush of all, which is when you ask a girl out and she says yes. When that happens, you feel true confidence in yourself. The feeling is worth 99 rejections. Just go for it. When you get that feeling just once, you won't be afraid of rejection anymore.
     
  11. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    Hey guys, would it be creepy if I sent the girl an e-mail through the company network along those lines. Keep in mind that she works in a completely different room that I can't access.

    I rarely have time to talk to you since I'm overloaded with work and my boss is watching me. So do you want to go for a coffee after work?
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2005
  12. bait

    bait New Member

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    Honestly - I really think you need to look into therapy. With as much as youve gone through, this history of abuse and addiction is going to stick with you, and you will succumb to it. Its going to be hard to become the person you want to if you cant put your past behind you first.
     
  13. Dreammachine

    Dreammachine The face is everything

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    I think this may be a bad idea.. she could find it creepy that you just didn't ask her your self in person..

    just casully bring it up.. when your working with her..

    example.. " Hey, I am going to go to "coffe time" for lunch wanna join me?"

    that way your doing your own thing and not really forcing the situation.
     
  14. Godspeed

    Godspeed New Member

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    I'm in the same boat as you man. Same boat. I'm not too bothered by the friends part. I don't really mind not having too many friends. I have a lot of acquintances and a lot of people i can shoot the shit with but no one i can just call and hang out randomly. I have my bro and i just hang out with him a lot so its no big deal.

    But as far as girls go, i'm the same. I can talk to girls on a professional, "barely know you" level but i can't ever ask them out or make that next step towards dating. all the girls i've dated in the past have made the first move except for one but i was told by a friend that she liked me and he kinda pressured me into asking her out, which turned out to be a horribly bad thing (she was C.R.A.Z.Y). I wont get into that.

    But i've decided i'm going to change that. School starts up next week and my goal is to talk to atleast one girl in everyone of my classes in the first week. Whether it's to get a class study buddy or ask her out, i just got to talk to one. Easier said than done but we'll see. I'm optimistic about it and that's all there is to it really. Just having the right mindset.
     
  15. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    Actually, Dreamachine, I went against your advice and tried. She sent me back a message saying that she was going on vacation the following week (this week) and was too busy getting prepared. However, she added "thanks, maybe when I get back". BTW, I think that I had few other options since she works in a different office from me and I only see her when she comes for lunch (which is not at the same time as me but the cafeteria is close to my office) and she had stopped coming to this cafeteria for lunch for about 3 days. SO I basically had no means of reaching her. The day after I sent her this e-mail, she started coming back regularly in the cafeteria and even approaching me on a few occasions. Of course, I also talk to her as regularly as I can while trying not to look desperate. She's coming back next week from vacation so we'll see where it goes. All I know about her is that she likes to be flirted by me. We'll see next week if she just plays game or is really interested.
     
  16. Kittyblossom

    Kittyblossom A Thousand Shiny Things

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    I like the idea of asking her to join you for lunch, cup of coffee, or something like that. Since you already emailed her I guess you'll find out when she gets back if that works. It seems like it could work if she likes you too, but it's better to ask a girl out in person, assuming you get to see each other now and then.
     

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