SRS I don't want to die: I just don't want to live anymore

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Kerberos, Oct 3, 2005.

  1. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    What the hell is it with me? Was I born to be a loser my whole life? Will things only get worst all the time? Is there any hope for me at all to one day be happy? I was born to violent and abusive parents who were also religious. They kept me isolated from everyone all my childhood, told me it was a sin to do everything, they beat me all the time and repeatedly told me that I wasn't good. I had the most lonely childhood and it seems as if it will continue like that all my life. Also, I was teased and beaten up at school repeatedly because it's ok in english schools to beat up the french canadians. If you beat up a jew or a black person because of his color or his religion, you're a racist, but if you beat up a kid because he's french canadian then nobody cares. In fact, the teachers and staff of the school will encourage it by constantly demeaning french canadian history and taking apart everything taht is associated with being a french canadian. So basically, I was abused at school and at home and always felt like shit all the time. I don't have a single happy memory from my childhood. Well except maybe for those activity days that I never went to because my parents would never let me: I'd stay at school alone without any bullies and I could be in peace. In fact, all my best moments were spent alone since I had no friends and the absense of people usually meant that I was safe from harm. Despite all of this, and the fact that I totally hated school, I still managed to graduate from high school as valedictorian and with the highest marks in every subject. Of course, people hated me even more for that and were even jealous of me for some reason. I would like to again emphasize that I hate school: it's not that bad, but I'm not that interested in anything I study and I just feel so lonely. So anyways, I continued CEGEP and then University after that. I'm currently in my third year of Software Engineering. I graduated from CEGEP with the highest marks in my program and I still have in University and A average. I'm 22 years old, I never had any real friends, never had a girlfriend and I'm still a virgin. I'm living alone with my sister. My parents I haven't seen in years and I don't want to see ever again. I've managed to live alone with my sister and work through CEGEP and University. Now I just don't want to go on like that. Life is too difficult and only brings you pain and suffering. I try to go on by saying that the future will be better. However, I feel as if the future will only get worst. I will get a job that I hate, will be alone all the time, will have to work 50 hours a week to accumulate money that I don't even want. All I want is for someone to love me and have someone to love. Is that asking so much? BTW, I also work out 3 times a week, I'm in great shape, I have many "friends" at university (people who say "hi, how are you" every day, yet it means nothing), I'm not antisocial and I think I'm pretty good looking. However, my life has basically no meaning, and is only work and not fun. If it continues like that, I just don't see why I would want to live anymore. I don't say any of this to anyone I know. I can't say I haven't thought of suicide. Although, if I would suicide, I'd tell my "friends" and "family" that I am moving to a foreign place and would just commit suicide without even writing a note or anything. That way, I wouldn't seem like a drama queen and I wouldn't hurt my sister since she'd think that I'm still alive somewhere. Can someone please tell me why I should go on? Everyone just wants me to fail anyways.
     
  2. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    I'll tell you exactly why you should go on.

    First off, it never hurts to find at least one really good friend. Someone you can trust and rely on. It's not generally a good thing to rely on people for hapiness, but when you're already contemplating suicide, there aren't many solutions that are "out."

    But here's the main reason, though. I said the exact same words "I don't want to die, I just don't want to live anymore" two years ago. I'll tell you what changed my mind later, but first what you need to consider - before throwing an entire life away because it doesn't seem to be going anywhere, why not force it to go somewhere? If you don't want to live anyway, what do you have to lose by doing something dangerous like going to a third world country and working with dying or starving people? Is disease a concern if you're on the edge because your life is basically shit?

    Doing things to change other peoples' lives at personal risk will change ANYONE for the better. A decision like that would be as much for you as anybody you're helping. You probably don't like religion a lot right now, but there are a lot of christian foundations that you don't need a great deal of cash to get into that will get you into those countries and doing good work. Not everyone is like your parents when it comes to religion, man. I'm a christian, and I would never raise a child like that. Don't rule it out. Even if you do rule it out, there are other foundations that you can join as well.

    Last thing I want to say has to do with what made me change my mind. Two years ago I felt the same way as you about life. Then I met a girl... it was rough from the get-go. I was her first serious relationship and she had a lot to learn about life and being with anyone seriously. It was more pain than gain and later on it became a pretty good relationship, but in the beginning it sucked ass. Yet despite this, from the very beginning it got me feeling differently about life, and that's because I always had some challenge at the forefront of my mind. I hated life because college wasn't taking me where I felt I wanted to go. I HATED the place I lived and the people there - too many painful memories and fucked up lives. I was 16 and in college because I homeschooled (hated middleschool, didn't want to go to high school) so I graduated early just to get the shit over with. I'd already moved over 21 times in my life, and I never really felt like I had a home. To me, home is a place you can take refuge at because you have people there that you love and that love you back, and mine was falling apart because of a divorce and shit like that.

    Anyway, this chick gave me a challenge - something to focus on. To me, relationships are big deals because they can turn into a family and that should be the center of any man's life once he has one (a family I mean). The relationship was good for about 6 months and then it started to go downhill again. Now I've been with her one year and 8 months, and things are pretty much fucked. She messed around behind my back and I don't know anything about what really happened, but at any rate I can't trust her. It all hurts and it all fucking sucks, but you know what? I've never, ever felt like life isn't worth it since I met her. That's because once she gave me some kind of purpose or motive, I found other ones... I finally moved the fuck out of Kansas, I find a job I actually look forward to going to, and I'm at a point where I don't need anybody else to make me feel like I belong where I am.

    The moral of the story is, rain or shine, all you need is a purpose, not necessarily happiness. Find something to dedicate your life to, even just part of it. I would normally say "find God," which I still think is a good idea, but I understand you're probably don't think he's on your side. That said, "God is love" and it doesn't sound like your parents are, so don't rule him out. Either way, I'm not preaching at you - just find a purpose, any purpose. It doesn't really matter if it's something dangerous if you hate life that much anyway, right?
     
  3. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    You should go on because you have lots of questions, and despite being a Valedictorian you haven't figured out ANY of the important answers! ;)

    "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."

    Tell me, when was the last time you asked a girl out on a date? Never? Hey, I never asked a single woman out on a date until TWO YEARS ago. (I'm 36, by the way.) I figured I would never find a perfect woman (after divorcing the bitch, who I was stuck with for 11 years...) but I was wrong. By the way, I'd rather be single than stuck dating some crazy bitch of a woman, so you don't know what you are missing. :)

    Look, go buy some books on how to (1) meet people (2) meet and date women and (3) run your own business.

    May I recommend:

    Dale Carnegie: How to make friends and influence people. An oldie, but a goodie.

    The $99 "system" at www.DocLove.com - it literally turned my world upside-right.

    Richard Kiyosaki: Rich Dad, Poor Dad & Cashflow Quandrant. Good books on thinking differently about finances. Ignore the rest of his books, they suck.

    Then, go join a club for something you are interested in. Make yourself busy. Meet new people. Then go read more books. Until you really educate yourself, you are going to be stuck with the social skills of a third grader - which is kind of where I think you are. You need to start growing up and finding teachers to help you.

    In the past 3 years I have changed dramatically. I recommend moving to a new city/state, even if it is hard. Take the alone time to re-make yourself. Meet new people who do not know about your past, and then act like you want to be - people will respond to it.

    You may also like the movie "What the [bleep] do we know." Very heavy duty kind of movie. I'm going to have to watch it a few more times to understand what it all meant.

    And when you get stuck, ask for help here. Lotsa good folks. :)
     
  4. Wolf

    Wolf No one plans to take the path that brings you lowe

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    :werd: :hug:
     
  5. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Well, I won't deny that you're in a tough spot. Your family wasn't there when you needed it and the public school system failed you. However, there's hope. The first step to changing your life is getting out of victim-mode. Stop blaming other people for what you are/were and start taking responsibility for you and your actions, because only you can change your outlook on life.

    With your friends from uni, next time they say 'hi', ask them about something. Anything. As you build up your conversations with them you'll find out more things about them for future conversations and vice versa. That's how friendships start. Right now the conversations mean nothing because you choose to put no importance on them. When you start appreciating your interactions with other people, you'll start feeling better about yourself. Seriously.

    If all else fails, drop what you're doing and change pace since it's obviously not making you happy. Go travelling and see the world, and meet some people while you're at it. It's good for spiritual and emotional cleansing. Physical, not so much. ;)

    That's the victim in you talking. Tell it to shut the fuck up and get the fuck out, because what it's saying is not true and you know it.
     
  6. danielonthelow

    danielonthelow New Member

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    things will get better. trust me, they always do.
     
  7. danielonthelow

    danielonthelow New Member

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    then again, things do get worse.
     
  8. danielonthelow

    danielonthelow New Member

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    but then again, things get better again.
     
  9. danielonthelow

    danielonthelow New Member

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    it's like a cycle, understand? that's life.
     
  10. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Without rain there would be no flowers.
     
  11. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    Cool, I'm scheduled for 22 years of happiness, yeah!:rolleyes:
     
  12. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    Dude, you could be scheduled for 50, but that doesn't mean the years of shit are over yet. The rest is worth living for, though, at least.
     
  13. johan

    johan Active Member

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    The happiness only comes if you do something about it. Life is a fucking self-serve operation.
    No one's rushing over to your house to wipe your ass for you. Good things come to those who seize the opportunity.

    You really ought to see a pshrink about your depression. This entire thread is about your depression.
    Yes. You're depressed. It's that simple.

    You seem smart and have a lot of talents. Lift the depression and release those talents.
    But it's entirely up to you.

    If you do nothing, any happiness you might get will be muted and fleeting at best.
    Get treatment.
     
  14. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    According to dictionary.com: depression:
    A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death

    inability to concentrate - nope, I'm doing as good if not better than previous semesters at school.
    insomnia - nope. I actually sleep pretty well.
    loss of appetite - nope, eat as much if not more than before since I want to gain weight.
    anhedonia - nope
    feelings of extreme sadness - not really. I have my really sad moments but not all the time.
    guilt - not at all. It's other's faults :p
    helplessness and hopelessness - yep
    thoughts of death - yep

    I was diagnosed with a depression about 4 years ago and I got out of it. However, now it's not a depression. It's more like despair.
     
  15. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    Man you've been given all the advice you should need. Go out there and do something crazy, or help someone out, or help yourself out. Be more assertive and make people notice you. Don't turn a deaf ear to us eh?
     
  16. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    You actually think that I've been idle during all this time? Sheesh... I've managed to get over the girl, I've decided to attend classes that are known to have girls in them and have gotten a schedule of these classes (will start next week). I've talked about it with a friend of mine who's a really great sociable guy who assured me he'd help me out. I subtly gauged the interest of a few girls in my class that I knew. I found a new girl with potential. I sat behind and to the left of her during the class and she would turn around and stare at me during the whole class and appeared nervous. I tried to talk to her today but I think she didn't hear me. I'll try again next week when I see her again. Also, I've set myself as objective to talk to at least 1 girl I didn't know every second day whether to just ask the time or ask for direction and I've somewhat managed to follow that. That's for the girlfriend front.

    As for the friends front, I've worked on solidifying my friendship with various classmates and socializing with people that I had previously ignored. I've also started hanging out more with the "popular" crowd (in university, it's such a misnomer :p) by going to their activities and going to the bar with them every friday night. I've also refrained from talking to anyone about all my life because god knows people aren't interested in that. I try to keep all conversations focused on the other person.

    You can't say I'm not trying.
     
  17. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    Didn't mean to imply you're not, but you only seemed to be attempting to disprove all of the provided theories.

    Good to know you're shaping things up though. Tell us how it goes.
     
  18. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    Guys, right now I feel more fucked up than ever. I don't know if I talked about this situation with this girl. Basically, a few months ago, I asked her out, she basically said yes, then she would never go on a date with me or anything until about 1 month ago when she told me she had a boyfriend. First of all, today she was staring at me more than ever before. Then at some point I said that I was hungry. She said that she was also hungry, she reminded me that I often went to McDonalds and said that she really felt like eating McDonalds. Later that day I went to the school bar with a bunch of friends. The girl was there. I didn't pay much attention to the girl. However, at some point she tried to get me drunk by forcing me to drink like all her glass with a straw and then having me drink a shot of tequila. All that after I had already had a few beers. Then, at this random time she just came to see me and gave me a piece of chalk. I made sure to stay as far away from her as possible since I know that she is bad news. However, when I left with the other guys, I saw her making out with this random guy at the bar. First of all, what a slut and I'm glad that I never went out with her. However, second of all, I sort of got attached to her during those 3 months that we sort of dated and I can't help but feel like crap.:sadwavey:
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2005
  19. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    Yeah man, of course. At the time, her primary objections to going out on date were either that she was too shy or that she didn't have time. After all, she was working a full-time job, one part-time job and taking two courses this summer all at the same time. Also, she lived 1 hour outside of the city and was hesitant to drive all that way. I didn't have a car either so... Basically, she's a nice shy girl that drinks like a sewer every week and when she does that she starts dry-humping and making out with all the guys. When I asked her out I wasn't aware of that of course.
     
  20. PapiShasho

    PapiShasho Guest

    :rofl:

    she's not a "nice shy girl"...she acts that way around you because she knows that's what you're attracted to, and she just wants to attract as many men as possible...around the guys who like wild bitches, she's wild.

    i'd say don't fall for it, but i think it's better you just find out for yourself.
     
  21. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    Actually, I confronted her this weekend. She said that she was "just joking around" and she was sorry if I took it seriously. Seriously, what a fucken bitch. However, I don't really give a shit about this girl either. I sort of saw it coming anyways a long time ago. Plus its fun to call her an evil bitch and pretending its only a joke and having her feel bad for it and be defensive. :big grin: It's being lonely that I hate.

    Anyways, I feel so lonely right now yet I'm extremely scared to talk to any girl. I hate myself.:wtc: I'll try to look into the therapy thing as someone has suggested however it will take me a lot of effort just to get involved in therapy since I am so shy and everything. Anyways, I sort of know what I have to do: I have to raise my self-esteem and talk to girls. However, I don't know how to do this. Everytime I try to talk someone I don't know I get so stressed that I can't talk. It's 4:30 in the morning right now and I can't sleep: I feel so awful.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2005
  22. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    Positive news guys: I've restarted taking my ZMA supplementation (a bodybuilding supplement that is composed of Magnesium, zinc and b6 that is supposed to have anabolic effects) and I basically don't feel anything anymore for the girl that I was so crazy about, I am not as desperate anymore for a girlfriend and I'm slightly less shy. Bad news: more acne :hs:. My "depression" is probably caused by low testosterone levels caused by bad nutrition.
     
  23. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    That's pretty good news. And this is completely likely, as I had reasonless depression ALL the fucking time before I started working out and changing my eating habits.

    Acne happens. But that's usually bad nutrition as well.
     
  24. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    I've pretty much been eating McDonald's for lunch all month :hsugh:.

    Actually, there are other things that might have caused this depression. I've had surgery under anesthesia about 1 year ago to fix a broken arm. I've heard that this drug can cause depression for a long time afterwards. Also, before I had the surgery, they pretty much fed me with morphine intravaneously for about 1 week to take away the pain. Maybe withdrawal symptoms???

    Also, I often have 16 hour days of school (classes and homework). It's not rare that I work over 80 hours per week for school. Not only that, but I often skip meals because I'm so busy doing work. I mean, taking 5 classes this semester in an engineering program doesn't leave me much choice. Damn you engineering!

    So basically, I've only started taking those supplements 3 days ago and already I noticed that I'm not as tired as lunch, I'm more ascertive and my emotions don't seem to affect me as much.
     
  25. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    Honestly, changing regular habits (eating well, getting enough sleep, etc) should nuke any nasty side effects left from medications a year past. You been eating fast food all that time?

    A good way to start eating healthy is to buy packs of salmon or turkey burgers from costco and make more food at home. Anything you eat with MSG or more than 4 ingredients is probably not doing you a whole lot of good.

    I also recognize that people usually ignore others when they're told to change their diet like that, so if you want something easier and more realistic, just give up the fast food, man. That shit messes you up.
     

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