SRS I don't think theres much anyone can say to me but I need somewhere to get it all out

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by PunkInDrublic, May 5, 2008.

  1. PunkInDrublic

    PunkInDrublic Active Member

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    I pretty much want to die. I'm too much of a wuss to actually go through with it, I think. But I do. Currently, I have a financial problems, academic problems, emotional problems. I don't expect anyone to really tell me anything new or even respond to this, but I just have to write it somewhere.

    My ex (only ex) has been pretty much emotionally abusing me since I transferred away to a 4 year school. Well, she's pretty much ALWAYS done this more or less. Cheating in all sense of the word. Chronic liar. I'm too weak to have really done anything about it. Although I did break up with her before going to school, I did keep going back to her during breaks. Every time she swore to me nothing was going on or this or that. Every time I'd find out she was dating some other guy or slept with some other guy or went back to some other guy. Every time she would make me feel like a piece of shit because I was skeptical. And almost every time I turned out to be right.

    So this went on all year. It's pretty much battered me emotionally. Not only that, but I haven't made any friends here and a lot of my previous friends have faded out, turned into different people or decided I'm too much of a bummer to remain friends with.

    So to get any kind of social contact, I started playing WoW again. It's a pretty pathetic fix for social contact, I've got to be honest. That and it totally killed my drive to do anything else, not that it was super strong to begin with. So, this last semester I've completely failed all my classes.

    Oh and at the beginning of the semester I got in the first accident I've ever been in in 8 years of driving. Now, I have money problems. It's not really that I'm in debt. I don't use credit cards. I only have my car loan (of which the value of my car greatly exceeds the current balance of the loan) and some small student loans. But my checking account is empty. I don't even have enough money to pay for the gas to get home now that the semester is over.

    So here I am, I've been in my room at school (semester is over) and I haven't done anything for 2 weeks but play WoW and hide from people. None of the people that I still think might be my friends have called me. My grandparent's have called me a couple times but I don't have the heart to talk to them and worry them about anything. I don't know when or if I'm going home. I'd rather just end the anxiety and depression.

    I've had a problem with depression since probably middle school. My ex gave me a bit of happiness while I was with her but it was bittersweet as soon as I started finding out about the deceptions. I've always thought about suicide, but I fail at even being able to formulate a plan for it. I'm scared and I really do think there wonderful things about life, I just don't think I'll personally ever achieve them.

    I have no interest in taking drugs. I don't know if I've been manipulated, but I don't like the idea of what happens to people on antidepressants or any kind of drug like that. If I can't ok with life as myself, I don't want to be at all.

    This is probably just a waste of server space and way too long to read. Also, it's probably just like everyone else's problems. Thanks if you even opened the thread anyway.
     
  2. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    All I can recommend is www.gnosticteachings.org

    Your attachments are the sources of your sufferings.

    Basically, there is a Buddhist side that needs to be there.

    I've been cheated on. You're seeing the worse side of life. WoW and a cheating girlfriend... been there, done that... didn't get the t-shirt. But I did become a Gnostic, and find out so much about myself through my suffering, that I like to live.

    And this suicide talk. Come on man, people have had half their face blown off in wars and still come home a hero and live a good 70 years, with no fucking face at all.

    Dude in Russia had his face bitten off by a bear and he is still alive.

    His face man, his face!

    Like you did get screwed around a lot, of course, but taking your life over it? Cmon now.
     
  3. justkristen

    justkristen New Member

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    :hug: Let it go, you know you can do better and you will.

    Try getting out and meeting new people, it can be very hard at first, but you will feel so much better once you have some interaction other than computer games. Get some outside time, go for a run or a bike ride, play basketball or something with some friends, it helps to clear your head of all the negative crap going on.
     
  4. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    To add to that, go the gym like crazy and observe objects and your relation to the object without thinking, and do that for like four months until you have your head clear and healthy.

    I mean we are giving PRACTICAL ADVICE THAT USUALLY WORKS here...
     
  5. Legend Zero

    Legend Zero OT Supporter

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    i think that you should pick up the phone from your grandparents, it'd be good for you to hear the voices of those that love you, for some that is motivating factor in itself. i would obviously try and ask your grandparents for a train ride ticket home or something maybe, and than as stated, do better man. Look beyond that girl, a second of bliss isn't worth the years of pain, no matter what poets insist. If you like sports, i know at my school there is always people playing basketball and people will ask you to join, and they meet like once or twice a week, so try to get on that and build friends?

    I'm scared and I really do think there wonderful things about life, I just don't think I'll personally ever achieve them.

    Yeah you will, don't shoot down the concept of happiness when you are just beginning to smile. Don't let the reason for not improving be because a lack of motivation, if you understand that there are wonder things about life, use that to experience them. If you love nature, make a habbit to try and find a trail this break and go biking, if you love movies, make a list of movies you must rewatch or see that are coming out.

    "Life offers you flakes of gold, but, you have to go out and grab them" a mentor of Christopher.
     
  6. Sephiroth

    Sephiroth New Member

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    :hug:

    I have been where you are. I started the long road to recovery years ago, and I'm starting to feel better.

    Your feelings are not your fault. The depression is controlling you. The fact that you wrote all of that out to us at all tells us that you're hurting, and that you don't want to hurt. It's okay to feel that way. But it's also okay to not want to feel that way, too.

    Please don't hurt yourself. I've been suicidal too, and it's just because you're scared. The fear and sadness is okay. You aren't weird. You just need some outside help and love to get you past this.

    I googled Issaquah and found a crisis center that will be able to help you. They won't judge and they will listen to what is going on, not only with the suicidal feelings, but about your troubles with your ex.

    http://www.crisisclinic.org/

    24 - Hour Crisis Line
    866.4CRISIS

    (866.427.4747)

    206.461.3222

    Please call the number and talk to them. I would call it for you if I knew you, because I would want you not to hurt any more. Please don't die. :wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc::wtc:
     
  7. PunkInDrublic

    PunkInDrublic Active Member

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    Thanks for that crisis line. I was actually looking for something like that previously when I felt this way and had no one to talk to.

    I think working out at the gym is probably a good idea, but I am also probably too self conscious. Also it's not even the biggest stressor right now. I still have to figure out how I'm going to get home and get my finances and academic life back on track.

    I feel a little better since talking to a member of this forum on aim. I didn't actually get to sleep until 8 am this morning though. I hope this doesn't happen every night.

    Thanks for reading and the helpful words everyone.
     
  8. up|dn

    up|dn ಠ_ಠ

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    It doesn't seem like it will work, and it will probably take every bit of drive to get going, but start exercising. Go for a run, it will honestly invigorate you and help to release the chemicals and endorphins that your body and mind need. I know it seems pointless and impossible, but you have nothing to lose. If you're self-conscious, run at night (in a safe place). It actually feels wonderful once you are able to convince yourself to get outside. Humans are creatures of habit, so the habits you form (whether good or bad) are going to be hard to break. Work on trying to create a healthy habit.

    Once you are able to invigorate yourself even just a little bit you will find that it is easier to believe in yourself and gain just a little bit more confidence. It can build from there.

    Don't do it for anyone else, do it for yourself. If it helps, a lot of us have hit rock-bottom too, and most of us aren't really that far from rock-bottom most of the time anyway. It is also not a bad idea to talk to a doctor. Sometimes people need a little help to get back up and ready to face the world, and doctors can give you that help.

    I'm sorry if this sounds like a self-help manual, but I'm only trying to give you advice that seems to be working for me.
     
  9. PunkInDrublic

    PunkInDrublic Active Member

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    I would seek therapy, but I have no health insurance and no money :\
     
  10. althepirate

    althepirate Talk nerdy to me.

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    Look for a community health center....since you're in school, check to see if your school has any counseling/mental health services. Schools usually offer them for free.

    :hug: It's trite, but I've been where you are....still dealing with it now. It gets better eventually.
     
  11. aim2kill

    aim2kill New Member

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    most of us have been on rock bottom, and all i can say is most of the advice/support in here is motivating.

    please dont hurt yourself or do anything rash, and remember, if you feel your on rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up with new friends and getting over your cheating SO.

    :hugot: we're all here for you! :bigthumb:
     
  12. PunkInDrublic

    PunkInDrublic Active Member

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    I canceled WoW. I got my car back and my apartment is clean and ready for me to move out.

    I've got some friends back home that will hopefully hang out with me and make me feel better socially. Now I have to figure out how to get home. I am completely broke and I'll have to find a job immediately when I get home. Preferably not retail and min wage. I came out of the IT industry before going back to school, so going back to a high school type job would suck.

    Also, ex is still on my mind. Doing whatever she wants to fulfill her selfish need for attention and nothing else. Ugh.
     

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