I dont post my shit very often but im pretty fucking pissed and want perspective

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Abomb, Apr 21, 2009.

  1. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    Backstory: Been dating my current gf for 2 years. We are madly in love blah blah, she has a 3 year old kid from a previous marriage. She works at a restaurant part-time and full time at another job to make bills.

    Time line of events:

    1.We went out this past thursday with another couple we are friends with to eat and see a movie together. We went to eat at her restaurant (a steakhouse) to get steak at a discount since shes an employee. Sometime in the middle of the dinner she goes I gotta go to the bathroom. Well being the observant guy that I am I notice her walk right BY the bathroom and go to the bar int he restaurant. She sits down and talks to sara and this guy named tim (name changed) Then sara gets up and walks away and shes there talking to Tim and shes grabbing onto his shirt and shit a little and i didnt like her bodylanguage. whatever. i let it go.

    2. The next night, Friday, she had to work at the restaurant. the same couple invited us out to go to a bar and have some drinks afterwords. like 5 hours before this, the gf and I had discussed going to bed really early because we had been getting up at 5am every morn and getting up and going to the gym then doing some stuff during the day. she says sure thats a good idea. well I had slowly started getting sick. ear hurt real bad, throat hurt real bad i think its an ear infection. she calls and asks to go out with the couple. she doesnt get to see the other girl very much so she is like please can i go out and get drinks with them. keeps using the girl as an excuse

    I get kidna pissed cuz im sick and she wont come fucking be with me and she already told me she was coming over. but whatever, she goes anyway keeps using friend as an excuse as to why she wants to go out relaly bad cuz she doesnt see him very often. bars close at 2 am she does not come until past 3 am, more like 330. I ask her where she was and she says oh i went to saras afte the bar. I ask her if tim was at the bar cuz she said outbackers were there. she looks me in the face and tells me no. my best friend who was at the bar with my gf and his gf told me she had spent the majority of the night playing pool and talking to Tim. when i asked her who was at saras she hesisted almost as if she was making up names who was there. at this point id ont know that she lied to me about tim being at the bar.

    3. im at heb with her and her kid shopping last night. im on one end of the store buying shit with the kid, shes on the other side of the store. she gets distracted by talking to another person she knows and I sidle up next to her. at this same exact time, her phone text message flashes with "u got text from tim"

    I said FUCK NO and grabbed her phone (that i pay for) and started going through all of texts they were having right there 50 feet away form me.

    they kept talking about how they had so much fun on friday, and she says stuff like "you were really good on friday" "I wish I could have been better for you [​IMG] " WHAT THE FUCK ? REALLY? she says it was about pool but even if it was which i dont believe HOW THE FUCK are u going to say that to another man when u are in a committed relationship with the person u live? then he kept sending all of these texty flirty shit bunch of wink faces and smilies to her standard text message flirting 101 and she asked him if he was working on wednesday cuz she was and he said no and she sent back a text message expressing her disappoint that he was not working.

    So right then and there I started back tracing events from thursday, her body language towards him, on friday her lying to my face that he was not there, her staying out till 330am when my best friends left the bar at 12 which is the reason she said she wanted to go out, her giving me a shady account of who was at "sara's", her over the line text messages that she would send to me if she was balls to the walls straight out flirting.

    i demanded that she brought me home, I read the texts again to make sure I wasnt crazy, threw her phone against the wall in a fit of uncontrollable rage, dumped her, grabbed my shit and left.

    . what are your thoughts about the whole thign? Did I overreact like a jealous bitch? was she out of line? is something going on and the pre-emptive break up strike was the smart move?

    fucking pissed. but I took my own advice and pre-emptive break up striked her. your thoughts?
     
  2. giz

    giz Active Member

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    other than throwing the phone, I think you reacted the way you should. how many times have you advocated standing up for yourself and settling for nothing less than you deserve?

    Sorry to hear it man, I know it must be horrible but I think you did the right thing.
     
  3. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Good man.

    Move on.

    Thats definitely not acceptable on her behalf. You have hard evidence that she lied to you and sneaked/covered up things behind your back about said, "Tim".
     
  4. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    This is pretty much my exact reaction. I probably wouldn't have reacted so aggressively, but aside from that, I think you did everything right. If my girl lied to me about seeing some guy, I'd kick her ass to the curb so fast, the Flash couldn't catch her.
     
  5. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Nope. I think you're right. She's lying to you and you were smart enough to see it and stand up for yourself. I think you did the right thing.

    Sorry it ended this way though :hs:
     
  6. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Throwing the phone was pretty Neanderthal :ugh:

    Other than that you did everything correctly :bigthumb:

    She's obviously flirting with other guy(s) and lying to you about it. That is unforgivable. Congratulations on being a man and doing the correct thing (dumping her) rather than coming on here and making 50 threads about "my gf is flirting with other guys, how can I make her stop???" and then getting all emo when everyone tells you to dump her before finally arriving at the conclusion that "maybe if I buy her more things she'll see how much I love her and stop cheating on me" :rofl:

    Seriously tho, dude, be glad you found out what was going on. You now have objective facts about her fundamental personality construct (she flirts with other guys while in a commited relationship, she lies about it) and now know that she is a low value gf and not worth your time.


    Don't forget to cancel her cell plan since you were paying for it.
     
  7. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    :werd:

    and :rofl: to be honest, I probably would have thrown the phone too :mamoru:
     
  8. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    looks good to me. hell, even though the phone thing was out there i still cant blame you too much for doing it.
     
  9. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Totally disagree.

    Throwing a phone due to a fit of anger > hitting a women.

    Especially if you are paying for the device she was using to be a sneaky cuniving c u next tuesday.
     
  10. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    it was neaderthal I am on clomid at the moment and it amplifies every single one of my emotions so it ramped up fast but still its no excuse.
     
  11. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    fit of rage at discovering her betrayal . no excuse though
     
  12. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    like i said. i dont think that was a big deal. its not like you slapped her.
     
  13. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    leaving was the right thing

    I don't see a problem with your expressing strong emotions. Obviously you don't want to damage property but otherwise you reacted in a normal fashion.

    Your only ammo here is your control of where your time and attention goes.

    If I were you I would not spend any time with her and let her come crawling back then accept her apology only if its genuine and still keep your distance.

    IME, women are habitual line steppers and its the man's job to enforce the boundaries. That can be done verbally for awhile but eventually you will have to do it with your actions (she behaved badly and now she doesn't get your time and attention)
     
  14. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    not that you don't already know all this ;)
     
  15. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    yeah..... fuck im crushed and pissed off and wasting away
     
  16. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    Better that you found out now rather than after you're married. Make it a clean break. Good luck.
     
  17. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    please expand, you are offering me an alternative view point than eveyrone else who is saying you did a good job nipping this in the ass before it got worse
     
  18. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Gunwitch wrote the following, not me:

    In ANY relationship a good method to avoid pain, mess, and eventual heartbreak is to ALWAYS look at how you are being treated and how the relationship makes you feel. NOT at what you feel for them. To do this gauges the base level of passion and attraction she has to you. At the FIRST discomfort or pain caused by the woman in your life, LEAVE. Make her crawl back and apologize. Following this method will set boundaries that will last. You leave and won’t take her calls, and she has to crawl back to you crying the first time she yells at you, holds out sex or hurts you in some way, and there probably wont be a second serving of that dish. It’s hard to do, but it’s important to your well-being. Jaded? Flighty? No. I’d say smart, as it doesn't drag out something that's gonna end anyway, leaving you hurt worse than if it had ended sooner. " It is far better to resist at the beginning than at the end" – somebody clever.
     
  19. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Interested to hear more of what Yail says.

    However I'm confused cuz it sounds like he's saying there might be a possible reason to "take her back" under certain circumstances.

    I disagree. She has demonstrated unforgivable relationship behavior. That aspect of her personality will not change, and therefore if you were to get back together, regardless of the circumstances, you would always be wondering what guys she is flirting with and lying about it. And since she has done it once, she will do it again.

    edit - same time post. I agree with the first half of what Yail posted, especially looking at how you feel, not how you feel about her. But I disagree with the rest. Even if she comes "crawling back," why would you want a relationship with someone who has already demonstrated low value relationship behavior? All the "holding out" and stuff, it's all game playing. It's too much work and drama for anyone older than 25 or so. It's better just to find someone who doesn't display unacceptable relationship behavior than to play the "you did a bad thing, so now I'm going to do x, y, and z to make you come crawling back" game.
     
  20. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    this is me: everytime she is workign at outback now, i will be wondering if shes there flirting balls the walls with him if not escalating further i was always be wondering if shes lying to me if she really is where she says she is etc
     
  21. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    she either comes crawling back or she doesn't (which will lead to a break-up)

    anything you do other than this will send her a clear message that she can do bad shit to you and get away with it, and it will likely get worse in the future

    You don't talk. You shut up and ignore her until she sufficiently convinces you that this type of behavior is done and then you still remain stern and firm and have the attitude of "I hear what you are telling me - now you have to show me"

    edit: to address Falconers point about "she will do it again"

    IME, he can send a clear message that this will not be tolerated if he is firm enough. Basically she has to experience enough pain that when she gets in situations where she wants to give her attention to other guys in ways that are not appropriate, that pain will be stronger than the pleasure she receives from the attention of men that are not her boyfriend.

    Some flirting is normal and expected. But when she crosses the line its his job to strictly enforce that boundary, and IME this cannot be done successfully verbally in most cases.
     
  22. bearsdidit

    bearsdidit OT Supporter

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    Good for you man, your ex was obviously cheating on you, not in a traditional and physical manner but more so emotionally.
     
  23. formul8

    formul8 New Member

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    Take my advice from my own experience and dump her if she flirts all over the place. She's not as into you as you are into her. Save yourself some future heartache and move on. Fast.
     
  24. bearsdidit

    bearsdidit OT Supporter

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    Ehhh, don't beat yourself up over it.
     
  25. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    im backtracking events in our relationship and I think I did this (distanced myself from her) for 4 days about a year ago.

    Doing this always worries me about the girl retaliatority fucking a guy for ignoring her as fucked up as that sounds :hs:
     

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