SRS I don't know what to do...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by verbal, Jul 23, 2008.

  1. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    Some of you probably remember my situation. Cliffs are that I my girl and I have been together for 3 years and we have 1 year old daughter. The past 2 years things have been a rollercoaster for us. Example-- things are going great, things die down, things get great, things die down. For the past few months I've been focused on other things and have been neglecting her. I've lied to her about stuff, money mainly. Trust is gone. Due to me neglecting her, she's met someone new. Nothing has happened between them, but she has told me there is an attraction and interest. Last week we had a big talk and she wanted to end it. She said that we're only close friends and she figured I felt the same way.

    I don't feel the same way. I feel our communication has disappeared. I don't want our relationship to end for her, our daughter, and me. I've been pouring my heart out to her constantly and telling her I want to work on things. I know love can rekindle and we can go back to how we were when things were great. Things can change and I'm willing to do everything I can to make that happen. To prove myself to her.

    This has really confused her. She didn't expect for this to happen, she thought I felt the same way and we'd just go our seperate ways. She's told me she does have feelings for this guy and can see a romance happening. She doesn't know what to do. She's assured me that she isn't going to start something new until we are completely over. She doesn't see the guy at all except one day a week when he runs something at her work (a bar).

    With this, I have no idea what to do. I'm trying hard to prove myself to her. I'm completely open and honest with her about my feelings and how I want to rekindle what we had and how I'm willing to do anything to accomplish that. But at the same time the fact that she's confused about both of us really bothers me. I understand how a new relationship makes you feel-- everyone loves that feeling of something new starting.

    So what do I do? Do I continue to fight for her, show her I'm focused on us and our family, pour my heart out to her, do all those sappy romantic things I did in the beginning? Or do I just back off, leave her alone, and give her time to think about everything? I really don't want to leave her alone. I want to fight for her with every bit of energy I have. But I don't know if that's helping or hurting my cause. And I'm sure this other guy is fighting for her too.

    Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'd really like to hear stories and how things worked out. I know I'm probably going to get a lot of "It's over, just let it go." from you guys. But I feel like this is my last chance. I don't want to lose my family.
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Does she say she wants to try and work on your relationship?
     
  3. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    Short answer, yes.

    From what she's told me she didn't expect me to react the way I did which is why she's confused. She can't help but think that things will be good for a while and go back to how they were. That has happened in the past. I think that's her main confusion on my side-- the fact that she needs to think about her being happy instead of everyone else like she used to do.

    I've told her that I want to go back to how we were when we started. I want to work on being that family where when our daughter is a teenager she'll see us kissing and whispering to each other and she'll do the typical teen reaction of "Ewww you guys, stop" when kids see their parents beeing cheesy. :)

    Her main issues with everything now is our trust, wondering if things will be good then go back to being bad, and this other guy. She says if she didn't want to see what would happen with us she would've moved back to her mothers last week.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    If she is willing to work on your relationship then go get relationship counseling.
     
  5. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I have been pushing that, but she doesn't seem to want to.

    She saw counselor a few times earlier this year. She stopped because she didn't see the point in going. She went, told her stories, and that was it. She didn't see it helping. I explained that counseling doesn't help instantly and it takes numerous visits before it works.

    This is her main answer when I mention couples counseling. I've been trying to lightly push it. I currently don't have insurance and I'm not even sure if insurance would cover it. How would I go about finding a good, but cheap, couples counselor in my area? I'm willing to pay for it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2008
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Then she's not really willing to work on your relationship obviously.

    Going to couples counseling is different from a personal therapist. You talk about you both as a whole and how to work on trust, communication, etc.

    Look in the yellow pages? Call around and see what they say it costs for non-insured patients.
     
  7. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    Update...

    Last night was a good night. When I came home from work she was napping. I went to wake her and she leaned into me for a kiss instead of me going to her. We went to dinner and grocery shopping. Cuddled while watching TV. And then it happened. She got two texts and a phone call from this guy. Kinda ruined the night for me. I wasn't thinking about that side of the situation all night then the phone ringing killed it. I asked to see the messages and she asked for privacy.

    I just wanted to go to sleep but the phone call made me ask questions and we ended up having a serious talk before going to sleep. We've been spending a lot of time together. She's noticed my trying and says she's only staying cause she knows I'm trying. But she's torn for two reasons: One because she doesn't know how long things will be good then go back to how they've been for the past year. And two because of her feelings for this guy. She can see a romantic thing building with this guy but at the same time she sees me trying and spilling my heart to her and doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know if anything would happen with this guy but says she can't ignore the feeling. I really don't know what's going to happen.

    When I leave for work I always say by to her. This morning, she was half awake cause our daughter woke up while I was in the shower. I said bye to her, and again, she initiated the kiss saying bye.

    I wrote her a little note this morning telling her I'm fighting for her. I plan on doing little things to remind her of when we first fell in love.

    I just don't know how to handle this other guy situation. Part of me knows I have to fight for her to win her back. But part of me doesn't know how long I should keep going with him in the picture. And I'm confused-- she's living with me and see's me trying. She's starting to initiate kisses and cuddling, yet she's talking to this guy and they're talking about God knows what. Probably romantic things.

    I asked her if she plans on seeing him outside of the one night she sees him at work. She said she wasn't sure. She asked what would happen if she went out with him once and I said I didn't know. I'd be devastated. Am I supposed to let her go out with him once and see what happens with this guy yet still continue to fight for her? I just don't know. And say for some reason the spark comes back and she decides to stay with me. Will she resent me at some point because she never tested things out with this other guy? Ugh.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2008
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    If she is keeping a line of communication open with this guy then she is a piece of shit, sorry, but she is.

    If she doesn't have the decency to to tell him to leave her alone and that she wants to work on her relationship with you and then REALLY work on it with you (with him not in the picture) then I would move on from that.
     
  9. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    You're right.

    Do I say this to her? Am I supposed to sit her down and say something like "You know exactly how I feel. But I don't think we can truely work on this with him in the picture." then give her space for a few days and see what happens?
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Hell yes you should brng this up to her. I thought she cut him out of her life for now while working with you. This is ridiculous that she wouuld not only still talk to him but then tell you you couldn't see the texts?

    And what you just posted is fine, but I don't know about the space part, you two need to be working. If you give space she'll probably go to him. You say "I want to work on us and it's not fair to me when you want to keep talking to him (seeing him, whatever). Do you really want to work on us or just give up because I'm willing to work and you are not showing that intiative."

    The sad thing is your relationship is probably over considering she is still talking to the guy....If they got together they probably wouldn't even work out in the long run after those great things on the surface turned into reality and she'd regret leaving you for him, but that's how life goes :dunno:
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2008
  11. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    That is exactly what you say.

    When you're in a relationship like the two of you are, someone new can look exciting, like an exit, like something to save you from your current life, this fantasy is MUCH easier than dealing with (the) reality (of your current situation).

    Tell her exactly what you said, she'll either realize she has 1 foot out the door and pull it back in to give what you have a real shot, or it will be over. If it happens to be the latter, don't prolong this, you're only hurting yourself.
    Best of luck
     
  12. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Thats always how it is isn't it? In the rush people forget that this new relationship isn't something special, or once in a lifetime, its just going to be another ex someday.
     
  13. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I asked her last night or the other day if it could just be infatuation with the guy. She said she thought about that and that's why she didn't talk to him at all last week. But she saw him on Tuesday and couldn't help her feelings.

    I still think it could be infatuation and the new relationship thing. She's the type of person that wants to eat her cake and have it too.

    I'm tempted to show her this thread. But I probably shouldn't.
     
  14. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I think I'm going to tell her exactly what you said here.

    I'm going to back off from the serious conversations for now. I'm going to do little things to remind her of how we used to be. Put early pictures from our relationship around the house, etc. Sunday is our family day so maybe that day I'll have a serious conversation with her and tell her all of this.
     
  15. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I think showing her this would be a bad idea. Just tell her that she has two options, not seeing this guy at all (if that takes getting a new job, so be it, she's betrayed you in a huge way) or leaving.

    Whatever you do, don't allow her to say that she hasn't betrayed you b/c you've driven her to this, or keep holding what you've done against you. You've both fucked up, you've both hurt each other, its time to start over and build something new together
     
  16. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I can not express how much I hope this works out for you, situations like this are tragic. Its awful to fuck up something good, and not realize the value of what you had until you've both beat it to death.
     
  17. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    That's the problem. We haven't been the best communication wise. It's always the wrong type of communication and when it's too late.

    At this point she feels the spark is all gone on her end. I admit, mines pretty much gone too, but I know what we had at one point and I know we have a family. I want that to stay more than anything in the world.

    I'm just so torn what to do...

    A. Keep fighting for her and don't say anything about this other guy. Let my fighting prove myself and hope the spark comes back and things fade with the other guy.

    B. Explain that we can't really work on things between us with this guy in the picture. Explain what you said about the fantasy vs reality. Tell her she needs to figure out what she wants, as her to cut communication with me and him for a while and give her space until she figures that out. Do this in a non-ultimatum way.

    I really don't know which to do.
     
  18. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I think that if we seperated for a while so she could see what happens with this guy, my spark would be completely gone and would never come back. Like most guys, I can't handle the fact of my girl being with another guy wether sex is involved or not. If dated this guy and realized she missed me, I just don't think I could start it back up again.
     
  19. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I wouldn't blame you :hs: I'd be completely over it too.
     
  20. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    IF you want this to work you need to go to therapy together, if she has any interest in this, she will go with you, if for no other reason than to make you happy.
    Any relationship can work if both parties want it to, I really believe that (barring any extreme difference in language, intelligence, or core values)

    If you continue to ignore this other guy thing, she will have no reason to not date/sleep with him. She's already shown you that your feelings are not enough to keep them apart, she's doing this b/c she thinks she can get away with it, make it clear in no uncertain terms that if she continues to carry on with this guy you're out of there.
     
  21. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    That's what I said earlier and apparently she doesn't really want to go...which is a pretty big indicator of how much she wants to work unfortunately :(
     
  22. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Fucking lame. I love therapy so much. Its like any other service though, you need to shop around until you find a good match.
     
  23. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I have mentioned it before and I explained earlier her response. But I will be pushing it more.
     
  24. verbal

    verbal Active Member

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    I have been looking for one but dunno who's good. Her mother's fiancee has told me their couples therapist is really good and has been helping them.

    Think it's a bad idea to see the same therapist her mother and mother's fiancee are seeing?
     
  25. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Very true.

    She had one bad experience and now she thinks it doesn't work I guess :( I can't stress at least trying therapy enough.
     

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