SRS i dont know what to do

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cheshire Cat, Jun 7, 2006.

  1. Cheshire Cat

    Cheshire Cat New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2004
    Messages:
    1,931
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    florida
    i just left an abusive bf who i have a 19 month old child with. he has been hitting me for about 18 months now. he's never full out punched me untill the day i left and had him arrested. and even then it was in my stomach. he promised to never leave a mark and never has. he says he will never give me proof of his actions. he slaps me and grabs my armes and tosses me around and shoves me and picks fights over 5 dishes in the sink. one minute he is all happy and telling me how much he loves me and the next he is hitting me and calling me names to our daughter. he tells her that mommy doesnt love her and so the last time he hit me i called the police, pressed charges and got a restraining order mostly because he has repeatedly threatened that if i would ever leave him and take our daughter he would kill me and move with her out of the country.

    i love him still though but i resist the urge to drop everything and go back to him solely because when i was growing up i watched my mom get hit by various guys including the last one who tryed to kill her and put her in a coma for 8 days. i dont want paige to go through all that. i dont want her to think it's ok to live like that. it's hard to be the child of an abused parent :(

    so i left and am staying with some friends, and this is were my problem lies. they have a dog. i like dogs just fine. i've had a few dogs in my life but this dog is completely untrained and not used to children. she begs while your eating and tryes to steal food off your plate. her owners dont care. they feed her off thier forks, which is fucking gross, and this causes her to beg more she jumps up on paiges highchair and tries to steal her food. and even worse is the fact that she chases paige around trying to lick her constantly causeing paige to cry. and yesterday she bit her. not to hard but she bit down on her orm and pulled her about 4 feet. she wasnt hurt and the dog only left scratches but i am scared it will get worse.

    i dont know what to do. why the hell did i leave him to go to this??? i have only one place to go and that is back to our appt but i already have my stuff including furnature moved out and most of it is in storage. and i dont have a job yet so how would i pay the rent on the first? and i dont have anyone to watch paige so i can get a job. theres a wait list for courdinated child care which pays the day care for you and you have to have a job FIRST. he's not allowed back to the appartment and i have a restraining order so i'm not woried about going back there but i have no way to pay the rent so whats the point to move all my stuff back there only to move back out again.

    i have no problem getting a job, i even want a job. i would love to have one but even if i were to get a job today the chances of me being able to pay the rent and electric are slim to none.

    and i dont have anyone to help me move my stuff back there. i think i could do it on my own if someone would watch paige but i dont have a vehichle to use.

    anyone here live close to st. pete florida that would be willing to help. i dont like to ask people for money but at this point it would greatly be appreiciated. at least to help me through this month.

    any advice would be greatly appreiciated!! how can i get money enough to pay $600 for my rent and another $165 to pay the electric? if i could figure out how to pay the bills at the appartment is there anyone who would be willing to drive there vehichle between st pete and clearwater a couple trips? i can move everything myself i think, except for paiges dresser which my dad made from solid wood and is heavy as fuck.
     
  2. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2004
    Messages:
    19,688
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto
    First of all read this and stop doubting your decision to leave your boyfriend.
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=980273

    An idea for the money:
    Maybe sign up to participate in a medical study? Lots of $ there, but risky :hs:. However you're in a bind, and I guess it's worth mentioning because it might just be enough to keep you afloat until you get settled and employed.
     
  3. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    The thing about him promising never to leave a mark so you'll never have proof of his abuse is a twisted way of saying he doesn't ever want you to be able to escape him legitimately. You were absolutely right about leaving.

    As for only having one place to go, this is an illusion in your own mind. You can go anywhere, it's just that moving back to the apartment is the easiest and most obvious choice. It's also a bad one; restraining orders can only be enforced by the law when law enforcement is present, and unless you have police officers following you around, there will be an opportunity for the guy to "get you good" for leaving him -- and the apartment you two used to share is the one place he can be sure to find you if he wants to.

    See, your whole story is filled with evidence of how this guy has reduced your ability to be self-sufficient to nothing; you have no money saved, few friends (from the sound of it anyway, or else you could move in with some that don't have a dog), and no hard evidence that he mistreated you. This guy took away every source of power you might have had so you would have no choice but to be his and his alone.

    I wish I could tell you a magical secret solution to fix all your problems and get you back on your feet, but since I've never had to do this I frankly don't know how it should be done. I do have a couple of suggestions, though, and I hope they're helpful:

    1. Do you have any other friends who have more considerate pets (or no pets at all)? A friend who's a stay-at-home parent would be even more helpful, because that would take care of daycare for your child. What about your parents; could you leave your daughter with them? Parents are there to look after their children (that means you), and the children of their children count too. Maybe you don't want to ask for help, but that's what they're still around for.

    2. If not, if the friends you're staying with are your only viable option for the time being, then you need to ask them to come up with a different place to keep their dog until you can get yourself squared-away. It may be hard for you to ask since you're clearly used to being the one who makes all the sacrifices, and it may be hard for them to decide since they clearly like their pet a lot, but if they're reasonable people then they'll realize that putting the dog on a tether in the backyard (or whatever) is a small sacrifice to make to help out someone in your position.

    3. School is out for the summer. If you need daycare and you can't afford a commercial service and the government is too wrapped up in its own red tape to be of any help, keep in mind that there are plenty of high-school and college girls who will want to make money for the summer. Obviously trained and licensed childcare is the best option, but you shouldn't underestimate the capabilities of a teenager or early twentysomething who's had to take care of their younger brothers and sisters before, or who has been babysitting for years and knows how to do it well.

    4. Remember that an apartment for one adult and one child can be smaller than an apartment for two adults and a child. Smaller apartments cost less; you might not need to spend $600 a month to get a place of your own, and even if it is smaller, it will be a lot nicer to come home to a place where you don't get hit if you want to relax before washing the dishes.
     
  4. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    Take things one step at a time. :) DO NOT GO BACK. The important thing here is that you keep moving forward in ways that are productive.

    Your most pressing needs:
    - food
    - shelter
    - income

    You currently have food and shelter, albeit temporarily. To pay for your own food and shelter, you need income. For that, you would most likely need a job. To get a job offered by someone else you need to apply and interview, so you need 1. a resume, 2. some places to apply to and interview at, and 3. someone to mind your kid while you're trying to get work. Once you've done this, tackle the next thing.

    If you break your goals down into achievable, manageable steps, it's a lot less daunting to get on with your life.
     
  5. Cheshire Cat

    Cheshire Cat New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2004
    Messages:
    1,931
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    florida
    thanks for the link it helped a lot!!

    i looked into it tonight and found i could be paid up to $3000 to donate my eggs and $100 for plasma so i really appreiciate the suggestion :)
     
  6. Cheshire Cat

    Cheshire Cat New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2004
    Messages:
    1,931
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    florida
    i think i really needed to hear that i was right in leaving :)

    i asked everyone i knew before i went were i am and this is the only place i have unfortuatly

    i have zero friends. all gone thanks to him :( well i have one that is happy to be my friend again but he is 38 and lives with his mom and dad and his 26 yo brother. he says he doesnt think it's an option but he may be willing to help me out financialy to get into my own place and pay for a few weeks of daycare for paige but he has expencive hobbies so i dont really know how much he can help :(

    my dad is in tennesse and he's not doing so good at the moment it could be a possibility if maybe my stepmother needs help with him cause i know they have room. but the job situation there is rough :( they live in a small town where you keep any job you get cause you arent likely to get another. i also dont know that i will be able to leave the state. i have court on the 15th reguarding the restraining order and i geuss if it's made permanent i could go but i'm not sure. i am in school studying to be a crime scene investigator and they have crime everywhere so a job may not be a problem

    my mom on the other hand is a drunk who lives in a one room cottage with an asshole. So... i think not :wtc:

    i already brought up about doing something with the dog and they got upset with me that i would even suggest getting rid of their "baby" even temporarily and told me that if the dog was a problem i should find another place to stay :( i know not really great friends but they really arent friends, she is kevin's (the guy who hits me) sister. they also live in a small appartment so putting the dog outside isnt an option. i am already putting her out by being here but she knows whats been going on and wants to make sure we are safe from him because he apparently has a history of this.

    o i deffinatly wont underestemate the capabilities of teenagers. i was one at one point and i was darn good with kids.

    and even a one bedroom would work cause paige could have the bedroom and i couldn't care less if im sleeping on the couch in my own apartment. and it would be a bit cheaper.

    thanks for all the wonderfull advice :hug:
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2006
  7. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    I would definitely pursue the guy who's, as you say, happy to be your friend again. He sounds like he could be quite helpful.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    You definitly need a job + daycare for your child. Or even better, get a job at a childcare center, there you could put your child and have a job at the same time. I don't know if your mom could still 'take up' your child for a few hours a day , you want to get your child away from that dog, because i've heard dogs killing young children and serious biting injuries. If that's not possible maby you can carry your child around im not sure how old she is but that would be nicer then exposing her to the dog.

    In any case this isn't working , you seriously first need someone to look after your child, before you can get a job,
     
  9. Cheshire Cat

    Cheshire Cat New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2004
    Messages:
    1,931
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    florida
    i really appreiciate the help but did you happen to see the part where i said my mom is a drunk?

    paige is almost 20 months old so carrying her all day is impossible.

    i'm still stuck about getting a job without haveing someone to watch her for free. i dont expect anyone to but i cant pay anyone till i have a job and i need someone to watch her before i can get a job
     
  10. Cheshire Cat

    Cheshire Cat New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2004
    Messages:
    1,931
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    florida
    i dont really like it put that way maybe i should say he's a real friend because he is willing to forgive me giving him the cold shoulder and be friends again.

    he said he may be able to help but he has to see about paying for things already planned first. he's a scuba diver and he has his cave and trimix certifications so his hobbies are quite expencive
     
  11. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    It's also possible he realizes that your cold shoulder was turned because of manipulation by the guy who used to hit you.
     
  12. Cheshire Cat

    Cheshire Cat New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2004
    Messages:
    1,931
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    florida
    i beleive he does. he is one of the nicest guys i have ever met.
     

Share This Page