SRS I don't know what I am anymore...(kind of long, rambling)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Panoptimist, Dec 11, 2005.

  1. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    Well, as the topic states, I don't know what's going on anymore. It's not that I feel bad...or maybe it is, but I just can't seem to connect with the majority of the people I'm around, including my family (M & D).

    I guess you could say I'm depressed. I guess you could say I have ADD/ADHD (whatever they call it now). It seems that most of the time, I take everything too personally. Much too personally. I guess that's why most people get me up in arms? But, I'm usually such an irritable motherfucker. I'm angry alot, and many things that people do seem to piss me off. It's like most people lack common sense. Now, I've been self-medicating for awhile now with marijuana. Let me say, it works. I've been smoking mother earth's great gift since I was in the 8th grade. I've been smoking daily for about a year. A first I did it only because I liked the feeling, and the sense of greatness it gave me. Now, not only does it make me feel great, it helps me deal with the "problems" I have.

    At school, I'm kind of a smartass in certain classes, or around certain people. Sometimes I say things that I wish I hadn't, sometimes I say things that just end up rubbing people the wrong way. I've got poor impulse control (that's also what I've heard). I guess I'm slowly beginning to recognize this fact, and it's hard(??) coming to grips with it. My self-medication seems to be the only thing that works. When I've taken my meds, I no longer have the urge to say uneccessary shit. Actually, that's how most people recognize that I'm high, is because I'm basically a mute under the influence. All of the smartass remarks I would normally make are just kept in my head. I also seem to see people for who they are a lot better, and also I seem to be a bit more "mature" in certain situations. For the most part, when I've taken my "meds" (the only medication I use is thc) I'm a cool, calm and collected guy. I like it. I feel like the real "me". When I'm without my medication, I just feel like shit again. Not so much physically as mentally. I feel overwhelmed, I get angry over the stupidist shit, and I become very irritable. I yell, and just act like an immature little prick. My whole perspective on things changes, and I just don't feel as happy. It's like something is missing from my life.

    My mom tells me that I have all of these problems, and that I need anti-depression medicine, adhd meds, and all of that bullshit. I've been on Ritalin and Concerta before, and they made me feel like shit. It's like, any affects I can get with any medication prescribed to me, I can get just by taking a few tokes every now and then. I feel that if people (mainly just my mom) recognize that, things would be a lot easier.

    Now, I don't mean for this to sound like some ploy for pro-marijuana marketing or anything. I made this thread because I'm so unsure about myself now, and I just know that that is the one thing that helps. Now, before you explain to me that my "drug" usage is just a crutch, just know that I'll continue to use marijuana for the rest of my life as long as I have the choice. I guess I could say that marijuana (or lack thereof) adds to my irritableness (word?) when I dont have any, but I know (or I've been told) that I've been like this my whole life.

    Sometimes I wish I could be a mute. I think about not saying stupid shit that is just going to make a situation worse, but I usually forget about that in the heat of the moment. I don't really know what my deal is, but I recognize that I'm having trouble.

    As I reread it, I don't like the way the above turned out, but I don't really know how to change it right now. I don't feel like I explained the situation better, but seeings how I don't understand myself at the moment, it's kind of hard to pass it along to you guys. I'm sure there will be more to add and discuss once you OTers reply. Again, I apologize for the ranting/making no sense. And honestly, I know my problem does not stem from marijuana withdrawels, they just add to it. So please, don't just tell me that I need to quit smoking dope. It won't happen. And if that does seem to be my problem, I guess I'll have this problem for the rest of my life.
     
  2. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    So many people in my family have suffered from depression, manic depression and other conditions have fell under the spell of drugs.

    Grandfather, depression, alcohol.
    Uncle, manic, weed, alcohol, coke, all sorts of drugs.
    Me, depression, everything under the sun and some of the drugs on the sun.

    Marijuana is such a bad way to cover depression. It cost me so much time and money it's not funny.

    I couldn't identify myself either.

    What can I suggest to you? Get a job. Seriously.

    You cannot learn to be a master without being a servant first.

    Working and getting out will help by itself in self discovery.

    The most important thing you must realise is this.

    The world around you is just a simple illusion created by your senses. I have distored my illusion with other illusions, it doesn't change them.

    Changing the illusion requires you to alter that illusion. Work to make it better. Identify the bad and replace it with good.

    Meditation is a good way of self discovery. You won't do it until you do it, what can I say. I have troubles myself doing it, but it's so calming.

    Astral projection is something you want to look into for self discovery, let that replace marijuana. If I had a toke beside me I would smoke it just for pleasure - but let's face it, it's too expensive to be at all the time.

    Replace it with interests in astral proj. lucid dreaming, meditation, spirituality, interest in supplements to alter those bad feelings, diet, exersize.
     
  3. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    Wow, I appreciate the reply. Weed is something I do, because it brings me plesure. It's one thing that takes my mind off of the negative. It's actually become a hobby for me. Not just getting high, but actually learning about the plant itself, cultivation, and all of it's uses. I'm working on a glass collection, and I have a few girls of my own. It keeps me happy and sane. But I do agree with you. I don't want to be a "crutch," I do it because I truely enjoy it.

    I'm very interested in the methods you have listed, and I will be looking up more about them. Especially dieting. Lately, in my manic-depressive state I've been slowly creeping away from things that I used to eat. I eat salads every day now, and I'm interested in much healthier eating. I think some of my problem is that all I do is get loaded on junk food. It isn't good. I'm a pretty skinny guy too, so it's not like I have a weight problem or anything. Can you reccommend anything for dieting? Spirituality is something that I've pondered, but I really haven't seemed to come to grips with my own spirituality yet. Life is really "tripping me out" at the moment, and I'm very unsure about things. It doesn't necessarily seem like a bad thing, it just feels different.

    I like that. It makes sense to me at the moment. I've been pondering ways to alter that illusion...


    Thanks for the help.
     

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