SRS I don't know how to act in this situation...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Brujo, Jan 28, 2006.

  1. Brujo

    Brujo New Member

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    I've never posted in here before and I only browse it sometimes so I dont know if this is where this needs to be.

    Its a bit of a read, but i'll try and keep it short.

    Last semester, I studied abroad in Italy with 32 other students from my university. In that time, I became really close with one girl in particualar. Everything clicked... but I knew that I didnt want to date her. When things started getting physical (thanks to a good bit of alcohol), I had to tell her that I enjoyed being with her, but that I didnt want to be a boyfriend for her. She cried, but we continued to progress in our non-relationship relationship. Over the course of the semester, I had to have a serious talk with her 3 times about not wanting to be a boyfriend. Things started getting really physical though, and I know that I was sending mixed signals the whole time.

    Everyday, I probably spent about 12 hours with her, easily. Wherever I was, she was... and I didnt completely hate that fact.... I really liked her... as a friend.

    Once we got back, we didnt get to see each other for 5 weeks. In that time, I tried to call her a couple times a week to try and keep in touch. Everytime I called though, it felt like she was getting further and further away.

    Once we came back for our spring semester, I sat down with her in class and she practically ignored me. She made it painfully obvious that she wanted nothing to do with me. And frankly, I was oddly fine with that. She ended up calling later that night to explain that she didnt want to hang out with me anymore. I told her that I was completely cool with that, and I dont think she was expecting that reaction. I had a great group of friends and some other female interests to keep me busy for the time being.

    Well, since she consumed so much of my time in Italy, I didnt really get to know everyone else on the trip as well as I should have. Now, I'm hanging out with them more and more... and I'm starting to realize how well I get along with them. One guy even went so far to tell someone else, "Phillip is so much cooler without [her]."

    Tired of reading? I'm almost done.

    Here's the problem. She's good friends with my friends too. And when social events occur, its almost like they have to choose which person they are going to hang out with that night; me or her. Well, one of my friends got tired of that, so she invited us both... and it was just akward the entire night. We never looked at each other the whole time and I dont think we were ever within 10 feet of each other. Our friends had to choose which of the two conversations they were going to participate in... and I hate that they had to do that. I ended up leaving much earlier than I wanted to (right now, actually.... who leaves a party at 11?).

    I know that eventually, we're going to have to talk about the situation. But I dont know how to handle this. On the one hand, I hate drama... I will go out of my way to end it. On the other hand, I feel like giving her the cold shoulder... after all, thats what she did to me. I know that if I do that though, its going to cause more drama in the group.

    Frankly, I could care less about her. Its my friends and the dynamics of the group that I'm trying to preserve. I know that I'm not going to address her about the situation. Its going to come from her end or not at all (and there is alot of pressure on her from my friends to talk to me about this). But when we do talk, I dont know if I should just make her feel like shit or let her get away with this. Another small detail I forgot earlier (Sorry), she is apparently talking shit about me to our friends, while whenever I'm asked about her, I politely say that 'we just dont hang out anymore.... and that I have no bad feelings towards her' (which is true). I feel that her saying some of the comments she has is petty and immature... which makes me not want to give her the time of day.

    I know this was long and maybe not all that clear. I just dont know how to handle the situation at the moment. :hs:
     
  2. FunkJunkie

    FunkJunkie New Member

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    Try to keep things as normal as they can be. Pretend nothing ever happened to decrease the akwardness(word?) Be cool.
     
  3. Brujo

    Brujo New Member

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    Thats what I tried at first, but she reeled back even more. Its past the point of being able to pretend nothing is happening. All of our friends are aware and are walking on eggshells with us.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Two things.

    1. Its my belief that you should become bf/gf with her.
    - Your first thought will be i disagree with you on that, but the question that i have is , why , why don't you want to be bf/gf with her? If there are major objections then i want you to realise the following.

    2. She is madly in love with you, her stress of your unwillingness to have a relationship with you has resulted in her anger and bad talk about you in this group of friends.

    - She loves you so much that she even wants to hurt you to get you back. (sounds crazy i know but its the truth)

    My best guess is that you should go to her and complain to her about the shit she is talking about you against your friends, that will probably result into an argument and a fight but it will most likely 'finish' there, as she has completely had it with you.

    My gues is that it will end there.
     
  5. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    Yeah agreed. It's a common tactic to do what she's doing to return the feelings to her. But she might not being doing that.

    Either way though you should just adress it and tell her that you know both of you probably dont like the awkwardness so just be accquaintences or whatever and pretend it never happened.
     
  6. EE CUMMINGS

    EE CUMMINGS aka RobHuang

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    reverse friend zone ftw
     
  7. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    Tastee, Why does she feel hurt? Have you asked her?

    My guess: She wanted more and clung on to the physical that you were willing to give her in hopes of getting access to the mental. You both return and you don't call for weeks.

    Continuing the physical after you knew she wanted more and you did not was a bad decision and both parties are to blame.

    So now: Damage control. Convince here that speaking ill of you is not the right thing to do. Offer a positive alternative.
     
  8. Brujo

    Brujo New Member

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    I did continue to talk to her once we got back... and we havent been physical since we've been back at all. We cant even be within 10 feet of each other.

    I understand that she is probably being defensive and doesnt want to be the one that gets hurt in the situation. Did I lead her on? yeah. It was selfish, I know.

    If things progress like they are (another akward night with friends) then I'm going to email her and ask her to meet me somewhere to talk. :hs:
     
  9. Brujo

    Brujo New Member

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    I know that she doesnt want the akwardness (as expressed to a mutual friend), but I still have a feeling that she's hurt/mad still. I'll give it a couple of weeks and then tread lightly in a conversation with her about the situation.
     

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