SRS I decided to type out all my problems and feelings in one paper, please read

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by dgo, Dec 5, 2008.

  1. dgo

    dgo New Member

    May 27, 2006
    Likes Received:
    I wrote this tonight, just let all my feelings out in ways I could never do it with words. I needed to vent, didn't originally think I would post this online on a message board, but I may need some annonymous help/support/advice.

    I would greatly appreciate it if anyone feels like reading through all 8 of these pages. I'm looking for advice on, well, anything or everything this talks about. What I'm doing right/wrong, if I have a bigger problem than just being depressed or not. If I should even print it out and give it to the person I love to read to convey my feelings better than I could in speech.

    For those that actually decide to read this and respond, thank you very much, you have no idea how much it would mean to me.

    EDIT: Wow did the font come out bad, give me a few minutes to try and fix it. Let's see if tenth edit is the charm...

    “LOOK AT ME”

    I want people to understand me, and I want to better understand myself, which is why I am writing this.

    I want to feel good, that is one reason why I want to drink and want to try new things, I don’t want life to always feel so tedious and cyclical and boring without anything important ever really happening. Life has to have a meaning, even if we have to create it.

    I feel trapped, that life is just one test of suffering. I want to be free. I want to escape, that is why I love to read books, watch movies, and write my own stories. I try to be imaginative, unique, sometimes go against the flow on purpose to make a statement, or try to be vague and mysterious to get people to think, just trying not to be bland and boring, but it mostly just annoys people.

    I feel depressed, sometimes I feel like there isn’t enough hope for the things I want for my life or my loved ones or the world, sometimes it feels futile and I just want to give up. Life can be so depressing; I can easily become cynical or pessimistic, dealing with my personal life or with world events. But I try to stay optimistic; I try to never give up on what I really believe in. Becoming hopeless or loveless or faithless must be like a living death, worse than death, which I wish to avoid at all costs, I must never give up.

    I feel ashamed and embarrassed of things I have done in the past. Sometimes I want to forget the past, but I also don’t want to repeat it. I wish I could take them back. God knows these sins, I have prayed many times and I hope I’ll be forgiven. There have been times I’ve been humiliated, in public or even with just one other person. I really don’t like it when I’m called out on something, like when people bring attention to my mistakes. I want people to remember the best of me, to see the good in me.

    I feel like I will have to spend most of my life working for money, like some slave to the system, that I might even lose myself one day or never have enough time to really enjoy life. I have been facing so many money problems. I want myself and everyone to be free of money and all its problems, but I doubt that would ever happen.

    I hate being sick, it seems like there is always something wrong with me. I hate having Crohn’s disease, I hate being dependent on medicine that I have to have injected regularly. I feel like I never have enough energy as most other people do, I want to have more energy in me but I always seem tired and physically drained. Sometimes I wonder if something else is wrong with me, besides depression, if I have mild autism or Asperger’s or if I’m bipolar or something like that. It would explain things, but I don’t want to have something else to further complicate things. I also want to overcome things with my own mind and will, not by altering my brain chemicals through drugs.

    I feel like I’m ugly sometimes. I can have really bad acne, I’m not muscular or athletic, I don’t have the best teeth or hair. I want to get into better shape, exercise more, but I feel I don’t have the energy.

    I feel sometimes like I don’t even really know who I am, I hate telling lies and keeping secrets, I want to be open and honest and communicate, but I feel like I have so much self-control nothing even comes naturally to me anymore, like I don’t even know how to be myself even when I am alone. I sometimes feel that it’s because I can never be a whole person, that I always have to hide some aspect of me in different occasions with different people, I don’t know what it’s like to be whole anymore or to act naturally without thinking. I tend to over-think things too much. I feel like people never see the true me, I want people to understand me, but I also am afraid that if my friends find out some truths about me they will no longer be my friends. I am sick of wearing masks, of having self-control over everything except my real emotions deep-down inside of me; I wish I could at least choose one mask to consistently wear. I want to feel whole again, I want to be myself; I want to stop the lies and the secrets. Maybe that is why I can hardly lie or keep a secret anymore, when I don’t feel it necessary, because I hate lies and secrets so much. I feel like I always have to vent, to someone, to explain myself. I want people to understand me, to love me, to forgive me.

    I miss all the people in my life who have left me. Whether it’s simply the people I used to go to high school with, or old neighbors (Mrs. Gilligan, Mrs. Mixer), even old teachers and other people who I thought I would never miss. I even miss the people who have been divorced from my family. I especially miss the family members who have died, most of all I miss my Grandpa. But I do not forget my Grandpa Pa, my Aunt Alice, my Uncle Keith, or my Aunt Anita. My friend’s mom, Mrs. Bessette, was the first person I really knew to die; I have not forgotten her either. I miss the animals I love that have died, like my dog Binko or my hamster Dunkin, and I hope animals go to heaven. I even feel sad about the deaths of family I never knew, like my Uncle Russ. It is unhealthy to have an out-of-control fear of death, I value courage, I have tried to conquer that fear, and I think I can accept it much better now, but it still hurts so much.

    I don’t really hate being alone, but I definitely do hate feeling isolated. Sometimes I feel even more alone when I am in a large group; even if it’s people I know and care about. I feel like there is an invisible wall, keeping me from ever really having true and close friends. I am very empathetic; I can really feel other people’s pain, even if it is strangers on the evening news. I would never hurt anybody, at least not intentionally, I want to heal people. I try to empathize and connect to others, offer my support and help, offer to give them something they may want or need, but it never seems to come to anything. I want to know for certain that my friends are really my friends, that they really like me. Sometimes I just feel so alienated, like I don’t fit in with anyone else, despite my efforts. God knows I’ve tried. I want to be funnier, not so serious and shy all the time, but jokes and comments just don’t spontaneously flow from me like they seem to do for everyone else. I want to talk more, but I can never think of what to say, especially when I’m on the spot. In elementary school, other kids used to get mad at me when I would get very high grades and they would fail, I have ever since tried to be as humble as possible and hide my good grades so people wouldn’t be mad at me. Now I try to be as humble as possible in everything I do, but I hate it that people then assume I’m dumb or bad at something just because I don’t show it off. I can still be a perfectionist sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I have to play dumb or pretend I don’t know, in order to avoid some things. I pretend not to know what people say about me behind my back, no matter how much it hurts. Like creepy, or stalker, I heard someone once even say (when they thought I was out of earshot) that I’m a future serial killer. That really hurt me; I almost started crying on the spot. I cry a lot nowadays, I’ve always been very sensitive, but now I feel even more emotional. I wish I could control my emotions, it seems to be the only thing I don’t have self-control over. Other names I know I’ve been called, like gay or weird, don’t bother me at all. Everyone is weird, some just choose to hide it or are better at hiding it, you should embrace who you are and be true to yourself no matter what, be free and not give in to society and the system. As for the “gay” insult, I will never understand how real love could ever be immoral, when love is the standard of morality.

    I want to be loved. No one has ever told me that they love me. I have even talked about “what would happen if I died,” “what if I killed myself,” and people only say stupid reasons like “if you freeze on my balcony it’s my fault” or “stay in your room if you are going to take a pill, we don’t feel like dealing with you.” I want someone to just say “because I care about you” or “because I love you” or “because you’re my friend.” I never get a response to show someone really cares about me, really loves me like that, only family but that’s because they’re family.

    I have fallen in love with the most wonderful person, the most important thing to happen in my life besides being born into this specific life. Love is the most important thing in life, the meaning of life is to learn how to love and be loved, and I truly believe God is Love. God is Love, and I trust Love, it is the only thing pure in this universe, the only thing that makes it all worth it since it is the only thing that doesn’t have to die. Love is eternal, it gives meaning to words like family and friend and home and God. All emotions, positive and negative, can eventually be traced back to Love as their root cause. I know this person I love is not perfect, no one is perfect, but I still love unconditionally, I forgive mistakes and hurts even if I don’t entirely forget, I will love this person for who this person is, no matter what, flaws and all. I invested all of my love and my life and my energy into this person, but I am not loved back. Unrequited love is Hell. I gave away my heart in trust, and it was broken, but for whatever reason I cannot take it back. I am still in love even though I try to let go, have tried to let go for a long time, even before I admitted to loving this person. Every time I try to make myself dislike this person, or forget, or move on, or let go, I come back feeling like I can’t live without this person, loving that person even more than I did before, if that’s possible. I pray for this person every day, and for that person’s family and friends, to give good health and God’s strength and guidance, to be happy and free. I can’t, I can’t imagine life without this person. I would happily spend my life with this person, or give my life, if necessary. I hope this person finds their own “the one,” even as I still secretly hope it’s me. I did not believe we would have ever been together, even for the short period that we were, or that we would still see each other so often, and I feel so blessed for that taste of happiness, but it also gives me hope there’s still a small chance for us. I have never felt happy or confident since that relationship ended the way it did, since then I even unconsciously feel wrong or guilty for being happy or confident at all. I feel it ended because I was too confident and too happy to realize I was going about it all wrong, and when I felt like I was going to lose this person I became too clingy. It’s because if I knew we would be together forever, I would be happy, no matter anything else, everything else would become nothing if I knew I had this person’s love. I want to let go but I can’t, I can’t give up on a life without this person. Even if the person I love just remained a close friend that I have regular contact with, it is better than nothing, it would at least be bearable. I hope I at least have had a positive impact on this person’s life; I just don’t want our time to end too soon. I need more time.

    I realized I was in love near the beginning of the week-long February break, in sophomore year of high school, when I was 15 years old, early 2005. I also realized in nearly the same moment that love, especially this love, is the most important thing in the world, as well as a few other important revelations. School and classes were no longer as important to me. The purpose of kindergarten is to go to 1st grade, which is to go to 2nd grade, etc, purpose of high school is to go to college, which is to get a job, which is to make money, which is to support yourself, which is to get married, which is to have kids, which is for those kids to undertake the same journey and live through the suffering of life in order to start all over again, again and again and again. What is the point? Especially what is the point if you don’t get married, or if you can’t or don’t want to have kids, or if you can’t afford college, or if you can’t get a job? What is the point of having such high grades, or of living for that matter? Why don’t I just kill myself now, what’s stopping me, why is all this suffering and loss worth it? Answer: Love. I never quite was as studious or cared as much about getting good grades for the sake of getting good grades, after that. I had started out only wanting to have good grades and to stay out of detention and be the perfect student because I wanted to please my parents, anyways. I know they will always love me; my family will always love me. I just needed to focus on being the best friend as possible for my “the one,” I felt if I could at least be the best friend I could get away with never having to tell my true feelings. I was really happy at being in love at first; I realized I was actually in love with this person for some time looking back at the previous months and even years. But a year later, in junior year around the time a year had passed and Valentine’s Day was coming again, I felt like I failed, it would never happen, and I fell into a deep depression until summer time when I started running and being with the one I love. At summer time, after formal practice began, my depression ended. But before that, when I finally came up with a plan and decided to start running on my own to train for that summer, it gave me a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning. I loved that summer, the summer of 2006. We did become closer friends then, now that I was making a real effort at it, instead of waiting for it to happen like the first year. Eventually I felt like I was running into an invisible wall that stopped us from getting any closer as friends, and with graduation approaching and not wanting to live my life wondering “what if,” I admitted my true feelings on December 22nd, 2006, last day before break while being driven home from a hockey game. I was amazed we were still friends, and even seemed closer and kinder, and said it was the biggest compliment ever received. Then, miraculously, starting a month later at the end of January, we came together. Once at the end of January, then it really started on the actually date of Valentine’s Day, while it was snowing, I have always thought snow was so romantic. It seemed like a dream come true, that I would finally have my happily ever after. It only lasted a few months, and it wasn’t long before I could feel us drifting away and I tried to stop it thus causing it, but the momentary happiness was the best time of my entire life. I’ve been on-and-off depressed ever since, but I want to be happy again, I want to feel good.

    I feel like I fail at life sometimes. The meaning of life comes from being true to yourself and loving others. We are supposed to serve others selflessly and humbly. But I feel like I don’t always know how to be myself, and the person I love the most doesn’t love me back and I can’t let go.

    I feel like I am a burden sometimes. I can feel worthless. Sometimes I have even unintentionally hurt the feelings of the family that I love so much, even of friends sometimes, and when I do I feel lower than dirt. When I was told I “ruined” everyone’s night once at a party, that was the first time I seriously considered ending it. I feel so ashamed when I cause pain to people I love, like when sharing a secret I shouldn’t, even when I am just trying to help someone and be honest with them, or when a comment is taken the wrong way. Sometimes I feel like I can do nothing right, and my family and my friends would be better off without me, that I can do nothing right and only make the people around me feel bad. I want to contribute, I want to serve, I want to help, I want to give. I don’t want to just tell people that I care; I want to show them how much I care, that they aren’t just empty words. I want them to know how much I love them, how dear they are to me. Not that I am afraid to tell someone “I love you,” I frequently do with family, but it would be even more awkward than normal for me to just say it to my friends. My offers of help are usually rejected. I want to feel useful. I want to help. When I do find a career, I want it to not only being something I’m passionate about or I’m good at, I want it to be something that makes a real positive impact on the world and people’s lives.

    I want to live, I want to love, I want to be free, I want to be happy, I want to please, I want to serve, I want to give. I want to be loved. Despite all my problems, I have been taught to never give up. Life may be a test of suffering, eventually everyone and everything we cherish may die or leave us some way or another, but the point is to keep on loving despite all of this. I must never surrender my Love, or my Hope or my Faith. I do hope that God is real, that God is Love, that there is a Heaven for the dead, that I and my loved ones will all be forgiven and included in this afterlife paradise to never be hurt or separated from again. Even if that is not the case, I must continue to love and never give up. Even if I feel more like a burden to my loved ones, even if they seem like they would be better off without me, even if I lose that person I love most and all my friends, there are people who love me. My family loves me. When my Uncle Russ committed suicide just before Christmas when I was less than six months old, it started off a chain of depressing events my family has never really recovered from. That is my answer, to “why haven’t I already killed myself?” When my uncle died, it brought so much pain to my family. Why should I give them even more pain, and be selfish enough to try and escape it through death? Why do I care if they suffer? Because I love them. The answer to the darkness is love. I should be the change I want to see in the world, I should treat others like how I want to be treated. Even though love brings forth suffering, to live life without love and suffering, to give up, is a fate worse than death. I must stand firm, like the many who have endured worse than me, such as Jesus Christ. Every moment, every life, every soul, every drop of water, every speck of dust, is infinitely precious. It is our gift. We would not know happiness if there was no suffering. We would not be able to love if we didn’t really have a choice, a good reason not to love, which makes it all more special that we do choose to love. Love despite the suffering, despite the death, despite an indifferent universe, despite so much we cannot understand or control. I will continue to love. I will learn how to better be myself, how to better love others. I will always love; I will try to care for everyone, not for my sake or even their own sake but for the sake of Love itself. God is Love, so I must love “Love” with all my heart, all my spirit, all my strength, all my mind; love everyone else as I would like to be loved, enough to give my life for them if necessary as Jesus Christ did. Jesus asked us all to love one another in the same way that he loved us. I will always love my family, my friends, and that special person who unknowingly taught me to realize all of this and to love like this in the first place. I pray I will never give up.

    Last edited: Dec 5, 2008
  2. j828

    j828 New Member

    May 10, 2007
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    Long Island
    Ever try your hand at art?
  3. dgo

    dgo New Member

    May 27, 2006
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    A little, not much though, I enjoy painting but I'm not too talented at it myself. I do enjoy writing fictional stories, though. I've recently chosen my major in college, for political science, because I'm not that good at science or business or math but I want to help people with my life.

    And if anyone is wondering, it took me about 3 hours to type that all out! I actually already feel a little better from just putting my feelings into words.
  4. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

    Feb 12, 2008
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    Lexington, KY
    You say you want to feel useful and want to help people. Why does it just have to be family you help? If you really want to help people and feel useful, volunteer. There are so many things you can do and the experience really broadens your perspective on life as a whole.
  5. dgo

    dgo New Member

    May 27, 2006
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    Not just my family, not at all, I just meant my family are the only people I know who will always love me. I mentioned how I want to help everyone, that I'm always trying to help my friends even though it's usually refused, I want to help the world, that's why I'm going into political science. I want to help as many people as possible.
  6. JustJeff


    Oct 30, 2006
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    Long Island // Virginia Tech
    just by reading the first sentence, i would suggest starting a journal

    I'll read the paper in my electronics class when I have time.
  7. Ape Gone Insane

    Ape Gone Insane New Member

    Nov 13, 2008
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    Starting this and writing about it in a blog also helps.

    I need to read what you fully wrote there to get a reply back about your troubles.
  8. DamnHippie

    DamnHippie New Member

    Jun 4, 2005
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    Letting you know that i read it and am thinking about it, nice to read truly honost stuff once in a while.
  9. dgo

    dgo New Member

    May 27, 2006
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    Thank you. As you can see, I had a lot of stuff pent up in me, for a while. I just needed to let it out and be honest with myself.
  10. uh_no

    uh_no Guest

    This is possibly the most fuct up shit I've ever read. My life is far shittier than yours and I don't carry on like this. What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a girl?
  11. mandrew

    mandrew New Member

    Aug 25, 2008
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    I don't have time to read it all, but I did notice the part about where you feel ugly, unathletic, and unenergetic. There's some basic stuff you can do to fix this.

    Acne: see your doctor about Accutane. It works amazingly well and yeah, it sucks for a few months because your skin will get really dry, but that goes away and it's totally worth it. Just use moisturizer every day and you will hardly notice it. If your acne isn't that bad then talk to your dermatologist about less serious treatments... plenty of them exist and work.

    Teeth: brush twice a day and floss every night. Get a whitening toothpaste and if you really want to try whitening strips go for it, I've heard mixed reviews. Just follow the directions or else your teeth could become really sensitive and that's bad.

    Hair: pay really close attention to popular haircuts that are going on right now on tv and movies. Find out what you think looks good and try to picture yourself with that hair style.. Does your natural hair type allow for it? Would it look good with the shape of your head? Ask yourself these questions and really try to visualize what would look good on you. Once you find that out, go to your barber and bring a picture of what it is you want.

    Athletic abilities and becoming more muscular: get yourself a gym membership. Go to the "Fitness and Nutrition" section of offtopic ( and read the stickies about how to eat and how to lift weights. If you need time to get money for a gym membership then do a lot of pushups, pullups, and situps/crunches daily. Once you start working out and eating right you will feel amazing and you'll look better. If you lift weights right you can really transform the way you look, feel, and perform... That alone will boost your confidence and make you a happier person.

    here's the sticky on how to eat right in order to become more muscular.
    here's a great routine that a lot of people have tried and got great results from. is a great place to go and find .gif's of various exercises so you can see how to do them properly.

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Jun 22, 2007
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    Then you need to start reading more.

    Maybe you should, that way you don't make posts like this one.

    Nothing is wrong. The person is expressing human needs, honest feelings, and allowing them self to be vulnerable to others here in order to gain wisdom, and to help find some answers. That's what this forum is for.

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Jun 22, 2007
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    I think it's great that you expressed how you felt. When you express how you feel, that's the fastest route from where you are to where you could be, from who you are, to who innately know you should be. What you've done, is good.

    I've lived a very difficult life. While it hasn't been the worst, it's right down there. Given my perspective, I have managed to defeat nearly every obstacle before me. All the pain, suffering, abuse, violence, illness, betrayal, abandonment, torture, and a host of other things in dignifying and inhumane. A cow sent to slaughter has lived a better life.

    Given these experiences, I've taken in a lot of knowledge, and as some of the great philosophers like Kant have suggested, knowledge holds the key to happiness for the thoughtful individual.

    You have no idea how much it means to me -- and probably others, to have the opportunity to read an honest piece in pure form. The truth -- your truth -- holds more values than every facade I and every other person here carries into the world in our daily lives. No matter how much success we achieve behind the facade, no matter what friends we have -- without self-evident-truth of our own, we're puppets on strings, we're at the mercy of the world as followers of pop culture, and leaders who lead us down dark holes. As long as you tell your truth, you'll eventually find the answer that is already known inherently within you.

    You will accomplish the first, but it's important you do not expect the second part. People will often deny the truth of another when it's too close to home -- when their truth is similar enough to yours. They may become defensive and negative. They may deny your feelings, or attempt to minimize your thoughts in order to prevent you from ever telling the truth again.

    So do not expect the world to appreciate your honesty. Many will, but many won't, and to protect yourself requires you to deflect negativity like stones thrown at armor.

    Feeling good is something nearly all of us seek, and many do seek it through a bottle, or a pill. That may bring pleasure, but it's fleeting and it's not happiness.

    For someone like you, life will inevitably lead to "More than arguments, and failed attempts to fly." -- as Jon Foreman writes. "We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves?" he states in humility. Your life already has meaning. Part of your larger destiny is to find meaning and to give life meaning -- and that is meaningful. Man's search for meaning is what powers his "spirit" -- it is his psychological soul-food. I use these "close concept" words like spirit and soul-food, to imply psychological states of well-being, not super-natural contexts. It is known to be true that certain thoughts produce in our minds, biological responses which create in us greater motivation, positive feelings, and wellbeing -- therefore I call them "soul-food".

    For some, life is one test of suffering, for others life is one opportunity for the universe to manifest consciousness, through the eyes of a human being. The calcium, carbon, phosphorus, hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen, and other elements and molecules found on earth or in the stars, are the building blocks of our bodies and minds. Therefore, we are "of" this planet, and when we look up at the stars we see ourselves. The great religious masters, and greatest intellectuals and scientists of our time, have all come to the same conclusions, and it's sad that most people don't see that: Life isn't about suffering alone, it's about being awake, and a live, to witness all that this world and the stars are. The universe is awake, like God's of the flesh, we're created in it's image, to create and be created in a sense. I use "created" in a very flexible way here, as creation supposes that some intentional cause, generated all that is and is not -- but this, is not known. However....

    We've evolved through a system which isn't merely creative, but adaptive. This is an inevitably biological consequence in a world where relativity exists, and matter attracts, where chemical bonds attract like magnets, and legos may produce great variety, supplying each with an "upgrade" of the last model. Eventually, consciousness would manifest in a universe that provided abundant probabilities. Play the lottery 13 billion times, and the universe is bound to win -- waking.

    It is important to read, to think, to feel. Never trade one for the other (of the last two). They fit together and require each other in order for human happiness to exist. First understand that being yourself, and creating yourself are the keys to salvation. Choosing to be, regardless of what the outside world dictates is the greatest gift we can be grateful for. Remember, not everyone gets a choice, we are still at the mercy of how we're born, who we're born to, the tragic events of unexpected natural disasters, mental illness or various accidents. Absent these things, with a functional conscious mind, we can be more than cogs in the social machine of our species.

    Be yourself, but use your reading, your thoughts and your creative unique search for meaning, to be yourself by creating yourself, independent of what pleases or doesn't please others, because if you attempt to do it by their rules, you'll always fall short on someone's list.

    Human beings will fail you eventually, no matter how nice, how kind, sympathetic, or truthful you are -- they will eventually turn against you in some form. So you choose who you wish to be for your own sake.

    Depression is sometimes helpful, and sometimes it's harmful. It helps us to recognize when we're ignorant of something, that something has gone off the beaten path. The feeling itself should never be denied if your intention is to get through it. The fastest way to peace is through acceptance of whoever and whatever you are at any given moment. It's perfectly ok to feel like giving up sometimes, to feel cynical, negative or to lose faith. These are apart of your process. Perhaps you are physically ill and require some sort of medical care? Perhaps you require psychological guidance or care, perhaps you need a pastor to hear your plight. I can't tell you what the cause is, but I can tell you what I discovered.

    My feelings (all those you listed), came as a result of being born into a family and community which victimized me, molested me, injured me, beat me, chastised me, abandoned me, and left me to die. Later, adding to the suffering, I fell ill with some disease (I didn't know I whether I was simply defective or whether it was biological or psychological), but I had an illness, and that illness manifested in devastating psychiatric symptoms, joint symptoms, abdominal, chest, muscle pain, and a variety of other horrendously painful aches. I had Lyme Disease. I didn't ask for it, but out of ignorance (a lack of knowledge), I was walking through the woods at age nine and I was bitten by a tick. The tick infected me with a bacterium which is extremely hard to eradicate if it entrenches itself in the nervous system. Later I would discover, about 15 years too late, that this was the cause of my debilitating suffering.

    So, was it chance? Was it a choice? Was it what I wanted? Some would say yes to all of these questions, and some would say no -- it depends on their perspective. But inevitably, one of my diagnosis along the way was "Crohn's Disease." -- It was always my belief that autoimmune diseases are the result of infectious pathology. I don't believe the immune system suddenly wakes up one day and decides to attack it's own host. I believe an infectious disease provokes an attack, rending the immune system defective. It seemed obvious to me, given I had a reasonable modicum of knowledge about HIV, Tuberculosis, and various other causes: bacterial, viral, parasitic pathogens.

    I had the fistula, the crippling abdominal pain, the abnormal bowel function, and test after test demonstrating constrictive inflammation around the terminal ileum. Every doctor told me it was Crohn's Disease. This was one among about 15 different diagnosis I received in the last 22 years of having Lyme Disease. Lyme Disease, in it's manifestations, can mimic just about any disease. I knew nothing about Lyme Disease when I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, but I did believe in possibilities. I believed that Crohn's disease was caused by something, and the doctors, tens or twenty of them and more, told me "No, no, no, no, no -- that there was no solution, that I could not solve the riddle, that no answer was known and I'd remain sick for the remainder of my life." I didn't accept that, and when I didn't accept that, they told me "You're just like every other patient, you'll have to come to accept this sooner or later."

    I never did accept it. I eventually found an answer. Crohn's Disease can be caused by a variety of infectious diseases I have discovered, but little research is being done on infectious causes, and instead a lot of research is being done on how to treat the "out of control immune system."

    This is entirely the wrong direction. So, what is my point in all of this? You do not have to accept what reality presently shows you as the final word. You do not have to accept what other people proclaim as absolute facts or truth. You get to decide. You choose how to proceed. Once you're aware that an option exists, you are no longer blind.

    I too felt ashamed, embarrassed and regretful for things I've said and done in the past. It's as I say: Hurt people, hurt people. Those of us hurt, often will hurt others. I made errors, but I repented for those errors. I never meant to hurt anyone, but I did hurt. They say a man who is insane isn't responsible should he hurt another human being -- but tell that to the human being whom was hurt. They'll still embrace an apology, even if the government doesn't punish their crime.

    When you make mistakes, when you hurt -- whether intentionally or not, make amends if you wish to move beyond. Start first by making amends within. Lay your head down at night and tell yourself "I forgive you, for falling short, and for being ignorant, and for doing what I've done." It's ok to forgive, as long as you take responsibility, or at least plan to.

    It is not important what people see in you, as much as it's important what you see. You needn't hope God forgives you. God helps those who help themselves, even if that help from us, meaning asking for help from God. God doesn't have to forgive you -- the bible says so. You're already forgiven, don't you see? Now you know the truth and can choose the option.

    I greatly dislike being humiliated, insulted, or criticized, but not all criticism is an enemy. Those who love you and who make recommendations to you, need to be heard, if you sincerely want to improve upon prior mistakes. All great people of history, who have achieved amazing things, did so first by "not" doing those things. Many have failed greatly by some standards, but I don't believe in failure if the person is still en-route to overcoming an obstacle. I do not believe in failure, I believe in results. Therefore all great people in my opinion create results are lackluster, and simply not what they're intending. All great men "fail" before they succeed.

    Those who don't give up, no matter the result, no matter how many times they fall, are successful, if their intent is to arrive at some destination of success. Even should they never arrive, they did all they possibly could and what more could be expected from a sane human being?

    You will accomplish great things, but learn to respect the "failures" and criticism given by peers who show respect. Those who criticize for the sake of being difficult or insulting are to be ignored. They serve no value in guiding you from where you are, to where you should be.

    Right now, humble beginnings are your destiny. Like an infant before walking, you're crawling along, but this will not be your final conclusion. You have a choice whether or not you will choose to do what you are, or whether you'll choose to see yourself through what you do. I choose to do what I am, and right now I'm sick, depressed, frustrated, and impotent socially. I do not have the luxury while ill to appreciate in my actualization. I can only work within the current confines of today, and so one day at a time I do the best I can with what I have for tools, but my aim is always higher towards a quality of life abundant in physical, mental and spiritually.

    So, choose your battles carefully. Each decision you make today will influence who you are tomorrow and what you may be doing tomorrow. Money isn't the root of all evil, in-spite of what some say. It is a tool, in a world that requires generation if consumption is to take place. Without tending to our garden, we shall have no healthy vegetables or fruit. Without washing our body, we shall be filthy. Without sowing the right seeds today, we won't reap the right plants tomorrow.

    Focus your attention on your strengths. Do you want to become a musician -- yet no matter how hard you try, you can't master the piano? Then why are you still banging away at a piano when your skill lay in writing music -- rather than performing it. Why focus attention on a relationship with someone who doesn't care, when you've got plenty that do?

    I'm not saying to avoid all challenges, I'm saying, choose to exercise your gifts first, then -- if you wish, explore other possibilities. We may not appreciate our gifts, but they're ours. I am gifted in writing, speaking, mechanical work, leadership, psychology, religion, philosophy, and teaching. Yet, I have refused to embrace any of my gifts, because I always want something else. I'm not ready, but I eventually will be.

    You and me both brother. It's important to accept where you are today, but only for today, if you wish to be remotely at peace, but I don't encourage you to give up or to avoid treatment solely because you're stubborn or have pride. You have access to an amazing resource right in front of you as you read this, will you study to find the cause of your suffering? Will you consider possibilities? Will you ask for help, while also trusting yourself to know when to embrace advice, and when to reject it? On the road to good health, we must be both skeptical, but open minded, we must be the guards of our own good health. Doctors can not and will not accept responsibility for your daily wellbeing and happiness or health. They'll give some tools and make recommendations, but they are limited in their time constraints. They only know so much in whatever specialty they are in. You don't go to a urologist if you're suffering from a sore throat, right? However, what if the problem is systemic -- who do you go to when "everything" is wrong? Well, if everything is wrong, we should evaluate what factor could possibly make everything wrong, and then search out all known possible causes. We should also consider that there are possible unknown causes which haven't been discovered yet, but we should never put those first -- as some doctors have done with Crohn's Disease.

    Maybe you are ugly sometimes, right? Aren't we all? Whether physically, socially, mentally, -- aren't we all something less than ideal sometimes? You have acne, that's unfortunate, but you do have options to resolve it, yes? How important is it to you to find an answer? If it's important, use the internet to begin the process. You're not muscular or athletic? Well, you do suffer from ill health that can sometimes cripple these areas. Are you putting the cart before the horse? As I said earlier, are you picking your battles carefully? This lack of energy, perhaps it's the result of not absorbing enough nutrition, or from a diet which doesn't serve you. With your illness, you certainly are at risk for some psychological difficulties as a consequence of malabsorbtion, like B12 deficiency as one among many. Your lack of energy could be from another illness, or a psychological or psychiatric problem. It could be a lot of things, but if you want answers, start with what you do know, and one step at a time, go from there.

    Begin by priority and rate of difficulty. Easy to solve priorities should come before harder to solve priorities. Less important priorities whether easier to solve or harder to solve, are best left undone in my experience. If all you do is begin today with one of these, just one thing, you'll have moved further than where you were.

    A strong character is certainly a good foundation. Remember, good character is part of a larger process. It is directly tied to good health. Most people -- even when alone -- usually know who they are deep down, but rather it's not that they don't know, it's that they usually don't accept or appreciate who they are. It's important to accept yourself today as you are, no matter what flaws you have, or how far you are from being whoever it is you want to be.

    I understand your fear, and perhaps you will understand this wisdom:
    Be yourself, because those that matter don't mind, and those that mind, don't matter.
    This is a quote from my personal mission statement. I began writing it when I was 22 years old. Like you, I didn't have a clear grasp of who it was I wanted to be. I first had to understand who I was, and accept who I was, so I then could come to understand this quote. Those who accept you as you are, with your faults, flaws, shortcomings and all of the colors that make you who you are, will care, and they will care because they're no blazing white light themselves. They're colored, jaded, faded and subject to the same reality you are. Those who don't appreciate you are welcome to move along, because it's true that not everyone is going to like Chocolate. I prefer Vanilla personally, does that mean that you're somehow less valuable inherently because one person chooses you and another rejects you?


    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Jun 22, 2007
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    To find out who you are, ask yourself these few questions:

    1: Do you care?
    2: Do you have a choice?
    3: Do you always yearn for truth and is it worth the price?

    If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you know who you are.

    Those who are the most controlling are usually those who are most out of control. So take off the mask, lower the facade. You're going to be loved, liked, hated and rejected with or without the mask. My mother has told me through my life that you're only as sick as your secrets. Some secrets and parts of our lives are safe and healthy to guard, while others are poison and toxic. Detoxify your mind, remove all secrets and people from your life who harm you, who poison you, who don't accept you as you are. You will find relief is a choice away.

    Never explain or justify yourself to anyone, less you trust their opinion of you, over your own. Others may or may not forgive you when you make amends with them, others may or many not love you in your life -- but the only firm foundation possible, is your love of yourself, and your forgiveness of yourself. People will not meet perfect expectations, because perfection is found within the imperfect. All judgments come from a limited perspective. All perfection comes from someone's idea about what perfection is, and therefore renders it immediately subjective, not truth, not fact, not real.

    So be real, be perfectly imperfect, that is truth. Be whoever you choose to be. If you're looking for a bridge you can't burn down, then it's just you and God that can build it.

    "I've got my memories, always inside of me, but I can't go back, back to how it was." Jon Foreman once again tells me a profound truth. The past is gone but something might be found to take it's place if you can appreciate and be grateful for all that you've loved and lost.

    Everything dies, and goes back to where it once came from. There is no need to fear death, you've already been there, and you'll return again. I understand the pain though, because without hurt we can not recognize anything else. The hurt is appreciable, but hardly likeable when I feel it. There is meaning in suffering, there is hope in everyday. It's important that when you wake in the morning, that you live that particular day like it's never happened before -- because it hasn't. Those who came before you had their chance, and it's time for you to decide who you're going to be.

    You are a natural empath. This is a personality that absorbs not only the emotion of others, but also takes on the character qualities of others. It affords you great opportunities. It is a true gift. You have the ability to be aware that you can mimic nearly anyone seamlessly, if you choose. The danger and dark side of the empath, is that if you surround yourself with negative people, you will take on that negativity. If you do not guard your gate carefully, thoughts and feelings from the outside world will get in, which destroy your ability to use your talent to heal and help, because one can not heal and help unless they are healed and have helped or been helped themselves. You can not give what you do not have, and you must remove the toxic people, and be willing to give up some of the worlds suffering. It is your job to focus your gift, not to save everyone in the world. You feed those that you can, without starving to death yourself.

    Your gift allows you to master a large variety of skills, from art, to medicine. You can master just about any technique, if you place yourself in the vicinity of another who has mastered the skill, or if you read or take in the teachings.

    You must have the strength to turn off the news sometimes, to tell someone no, who is asking for something which is simply too much. You are not invincible or infinite, you are a human being and you can bend and break like iron. You are more sensitive to the destructive qualities of the world, just as you are sensitive to it's constructive ones. Choose which you'll embrace.

    When you stand guard, an erect wall and facade keeps everyone out. It's a natural defense of the empath who realizes they'll be consumed without some sort of barrier, but -- only the inexperienced empath forgets to create a doorway. You must let people in, and let people see who you are, but that doesn't mean you tell the world from the rooftops every truth about you. You guard the information that goes out, just as you guard what comes in.

    If you wish to feel more connected when around others, then it's important to choose specific "others" to connect to, and to detach from others who aren't going to serve you in being the person you want to be.

    You will learn that you can't give someone a helping hand, if they refuse to give you theirs. You must also realize that not everyone wants a helping hand, and to offer one consistently and without discretion may not be in your best interest. Not everyone wants your help, even when they complain and tell you their problems.

    Here is another quote from my mission statement:

    Keep your mouth shut - Listen twice as much as you speak, , and when you do speak share ESH: Share Experience, Strength, and Hope with people, but never give advice unless specifically asked, never voluntarily tell anyone anything they don't need to know, don't say more than you have to, unless you absolutely choose to do so consciously and are fully prepared for the possible known and unforeseen consequences.

    You are alienated because you've created your own prison. As I expressed above. Freedom is never free, and to get free and feel the way you want to feel, means you'll have to let go of "the effort." Being who you inherently are is effortless. You don't struggle or strive when you simply let yourself be whatever you are, whether others accept it or not. The only way to change, is to begin with wherever you are.

    It's a bit difficult to be funny, make jokes and have something to say, when you're too busy protecting your facade, worrying about others, absorbing negativity or judgment, and expending large sums of energy to force a square peg into a round hole.

    Begin where you are. You're not funny, you can't tell jokes easily, and talking is difficult. That's what you are experiencing right now, and it's the truth. Accept that truth, then you can understand what grows from it"

    Another quote I've written:

    Look to the root of the tree if you wish to understand the entire tree - don't stare at the leaves - stare at the root to see the tree in whole. If you understand the root of any issue, you will understand what grows from it. Find the least common denominators and you can understand all of their products.
    So what are the least common denominators? By now I've explained them at length, and you know the truth.

    You're willing to hide your successes but seem more than willing to expose your failures. I think you may have your priorities a little mixed up, don't you? Perfectionism is a quality found in those who believe the imperfection is "wrong." You can't control people, whatever it is they think or say. You must be wise enough to recognize that fact and to accept it.

    Being an empath you also have another weakness. Not only do you absorb what others think, say and do, but you also absorb and become more of what "you" think, say, and do. You must recognize that. It is not the external world alone that you must guard, but your internal world as well. You are as much a danger to yourself as the most negative hurtful people outside yourself, so guard your thoughts carefully, let yourself be kind in mind, grateful in heart, honest with yourself -- because there is no where you can run. You can't escape from yourself.

    Notice that I knew this about you before I even read this far. You're sensitive, and to master your skills, it will require you to abandon comments like those made by that individual. Guard your mind from their comments, as well as yours. You'll cry a lot less once you realize these truths.

    When you try to control your emotion, -- which is simply another way to say you want to suppress them if not remove them -- you will suffer immensely. Harnessing your emotions, and skillfully wielding them like a master is the key to a balanced internal life. All feelings should be witnessed, experienced and expressed. It's how you "judge" the feeling that will define your experience of it. If you judge them as bad or wrong, you will feel embarrassed, shame, guilt, and suffering. If you judge them as simply just feelings, that they're permitted to exist and to be present inside, you will come to understand the message they're bringing to you. Emotions serve an enormous purpose in the human experience, and are more powerful in achieving our goals than our intelligence. For with a weak emotional intelligence, the reasoning mind will be used as a tool to reflect the unexpressed emotions -- causing one to seek to harm others, to hurt oneself -- punching walls, cutting, suicide, hitting others, and so forth. Conscious choices become expressions of repressed emotions.

    Therefore, how you express emotions must come from how you judge them and how you either allow them to be present -- even if they hurt, or whether you repress and abandon them, which is just another way to abandon yourself and to deny yourself as having a right to exist.

    I don't even know you, yet look at this enormous lesson I've taught you? Do I care? You likely don't recognize that others care -- even when they really do, because you've denied yourself. If you don't love yourself, you can't love another, and if you can't love another, you can't accept being loved or even being told you're loved. In-fact, you will literally have a selective memory. All moments in which you were shown love, respect and caring will be discarded and only those that prove the opposite will be allowed to exist.

    Here is how it works. A man by the name of Neale Donald Walsh wrote:

    "You have nothing to learn about relationships. You have only to demonstrate what you already know. This is a way to be happy in relationships, and that is to use relationship for their intended purpose., not for the purpose which most have designed.

    Relationships are constantly challenging: constantly calling you to create, express, and experience higher and higher aspects of yourself, even more magnificent versions of yourself.

    Now where can you do this more immediately, impact fully, and immaculately than in relationships. In fact, without relationships, you can not do this at all.

    It's amazing what your "heart" will tell you, when you actually ask it a question with sincerity, and then listen for the response.

    It is only through your relationship with other people, places, and events that you can even exist (as a knowable quantity, as an identifiable something) in the universe. Remember, absent everything else, you are not. You only are what you are relative to another thing this is not. Now this may seem confusing, but let me specify what I mean. If you are caring in a relationship, then you must be comparing yourself to someone whom is "not" caring. For you to be caring, you must "know" what someone not caring is like.

    Now this gets deep so try to follow along
    Relationships in the truest sense are available for you to experience "who you are". Basically when you are kind to someone it's because you "chose" to be with a concept. And idea. Then you decided to actually "be" kind to them.
    You get to experience things because you can demonstrate them to "another" in a relationship. However relationships are setup for "you". When a love relationship fails or is in turmoil "relationships never truly fail, except in the sense that us as "human beings" have thought since they did not produce the desired results that we wanted".

    When you have a chance to demonstrate "who you are" in a relationship that alone makes it a success, but when thought of as looking for a desired result, that is where we as "people" make our biggest mistakes.
    Most people enter into relationships with an eye toward what they can get out of them, rather than what they can put into them.

    The purpose of a relationship is to decide what part of yourself you'd like to see "show up", not what part of another you can capture and hold. There can be only one purpose to relationships, and for all of live: to be and to decide who you really are.

    It is very romantic to say that you were "nothing" until that special someone came along, but it is not true. Worse it puts an incredible pressure on the other to be all sorts of things he, or she is not. Not wanting to "let you down," they try very hard to be, and do these things until they cannot anymore. the can no longer complete your picture of them. The can no longer fill the roles to which they have been assigned. Resentment builds, and then anger follows.

    Finally in order to save themselves( and the relationship), these special other begin to reclaim their real selves, acting more in accordance with "who they really are". It is about this time that you say they've "really changed".

    It is very romantic to say that now your special someone has entered you live, you feel complete. Yet the purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you;, but to have another with whom you might share "your" completeness. Here is the paradox to all human relationships. You have no need for a particular other in order for you to experience, fully, who you are, and...without another, you are nothing. This is both the mystery and wonder, the frustration and the joy of the human experience. It requires deep understanding and total willingness to live within this paradox in a way which makes sense. It's sad but very few do.

    This problem is so basic, so simple, and yet so tragically misunderstood: Your grandest dream, your highest idea, and your fondest hope has had to do with your beloved other rather than your beloved self. The test of your relationships has had to do with how well the other lived up to your ideas, and how well you saw yourself living up to his or hers. Yet the only true test has to do with how well you live up to yours. Relationships are scared because they provide life's grandest opportunity-indeed, it's only opportunity - to create and produce the experience of your highest conceptualization of self.

    Relationships fail when you see them as life's grandest opportunity to create, and produce the experience of your highest conceptualization of another.
    Let each person in relationship worry about Self - What self is being, doing, and having; What self is wanting, asking, giving; What self is seeking, creating, experiencing, and all relationships would magnificently serve their purpose- and their participants. Let each person in relationship worry not about the other, but only, only, only about self. This seems like a strange teaching, because our whole lives we are told that in the highest form of a relationship one worries only about the other.

    Yet this obsession with the other - is what causes relationships to fail.
    What is the other being? What is the other doing? What is the other having? What is the other saying? Wanting? Demanding? What is the other thinking? Expecting, Planning? The master understands that it doesn't matter what the other is being, doing, having, saying, wanting, demanding. It doesn't matter what the other is thinking, expecting, planning. It only matters what you are being in relationship to that. The most loving person is the person who is self - centered. If you can not love yourself, then you cannot love another. Many people make the mistake of seeking love of Self through love for another. Of course, they don't realize they are doing this. It is not a conscious effort. It's what's going on in the mind. Deep in the mind. In the unconscious. They think: "If I can just love other, they will love. Then I will be loveable, and I can love me."

    The reverse of this is that so many people hate themselves because they feel there is not another who loves them. This is a sickness - It's when people are truly "lovesick" because the truth is, other people do love them, but it doesn't matter. No matter how many people profess their love for them, it is not enough.
    First they don't believe you. They think you are trying to manipulate them - trying to get something. (How could you love them for who they truly are? No. There must be some mistake. You must want something! Now what do you want?) They sit around trying to figure out how anyone could actually love them. So they don't believe you, and embark on a campaign to make you prove it. You have to prove that you love them. To do this, they may ask you to start altering your behavior. Second, if they finally come to a place where they can believe you love them, they begin at once to worry about how long they can keep your love, they start altering their behavior. Thus, two people literally lose themselves a relationship.

    They get into the relationship hoping to find themselves, and they lose themselves instead.
    This losing of self in a relationship is what causes most of the bitterness in such couplings. Two people join together in a partnership hoping that the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts, only to find that it's less. They feel less than when they were single. Less capable, less able, less exciting, less attractive, less joyful, less content. Relationships were never meant to be this way. Yet this how they are experienced by more people then you could ever know."

    Notice how easily you apply forgiveness, sympathy, kindness onto others, and yet deny yourself the same respect you afford them. If you don't change this pattern, and include yourself and make those rules applicable to yourself, unhappiness will follow you.

    Unrequited love, is a choice. You have fallen into the very trap I mentioned above.

    I covered this too. If that person would only embrace you and say they loved you, then perhaps you could say you loved yourself too -- but that won't happen, even if this person you speak of had accepted you.

    You don't love them, though you think you do. Rather you love them because you need them (Which isn't love at all). True love is needing someone because you love them, not loving someone because you need them. Do you see the difference? All of this will change, if you can work through the things I've covered.

    Perhaps it's time to change this statement so that it says:

    "I pray for this myself every day, and for my family and friends, to give good health and God’s strength and guidance, to be happy and free. I can’t, I can’t imagine life without loving and respecting myself. I would happily spend my life with this person, or give my life, if necessary, because I am all I'll ever really have."
    Start focusing on yourself.

    What you fear, you create. What you fear, will always manifest in some form. If you're afraid to lose another, you will. Your fear is inherently your greatest weakness, because it stems from the root of not lavishing yourself with the same feelings you so easily have for others. You can overcome this. Will you choose to?

    You can't live your life through another and maintain the euphoria, or happiness. The other person will inevitably fail to meet your expectations eventually.

    So much time focused on others, so much effort to please people who only will continue to raise the bar higher and higher, until you can no longer jump it. Don't you know that? Don't you see that it's you who has that power?

    Your idealism and inability to lavish yourself with wonder and kindness you project onto another without hesitation can be a brutally punishing experience. As a young individual, clearly you're learning some of life's important lessons. There is nothing "wrong" with learning these things, but if you wish to move onto new lessons now, consider what I've said here.

    We are supposed to do what is in our best interest, and what is in our best interest is recognizing that what we give and do for ourselves, we do for others, and what we do for others we do for ourselves. That reflection can't be a one way street. You must always begin from within, putting yourself as the priority, nourishing yourself, helping yourself, healing yourself. You set aside time to eat because you need food, you should treat your mind and spirit in the same way, setting time aside to consider these things I've said, to read spiritual material, or to lose program your mind through prayer or meditation, so as to become whoever you choose to be.


    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Jun 22, 2007
    Likes Received:

    You know how to be yourself, it's just whether or not you'll choose it instead of fearing it. The person you should be loving the most -- if your intention is to achieve all the things you've discussed hear, is yourself.

    Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, haven't you been told? Evaluate what you are told, but never accept what you are told as truth until you've evaluated it carefully. Did you ruin the party? Examine it carefully? Or did others "choose" to allow their party to be ruined? Or did they play a role themselves and are judging where judgment isn't deserved. Did you make mistakes? If so, make amends. Don't ever apologize for more than you're responsible for. It is not your place to be so arrogant as to think you somehow have such enormous power as to be responsible for other people's faults and errors.

    You can't hurt people's feelings. They "choose" to take --- take, something the wrong way. They are responsible. Do you see? You aren't worthless, as you are inherently valuable. You breath air, converting oxygen to C02, feeding the trees, which in turn feed us. You are as much a valued community on earth as any other human being, but you must realize that this statement I've made is a primitive one. If that alone makes your worth something, imagine all the other things that you hold as value. In science, there is something known as a "potential" whether an action potential in neurophysiology, or a rock pushed up a hill -- which thus increases it's potential to be used as a source of further energy.

    You have inherent potentials, that if you realize them, you can do more than just feed the trees, you could even save the world if it required it, but it all begins "now."

    You can do nothing "right" -- because what is right? Right as you've defined it? Right as the bible defines it? You can do nothing but what simply is. You live by cause and effect. You produce what you believe are absolute moral codes and ethics about who you think you should be -- but should by who's standards? It is irrational to think you know best, or that you know what is "right." And who are you to say what someone else would be better off having or not having -- that's their choice, not yours. And who are you to think so highly of yourself to believe you "make" people do or feel anything? Do you see the absurd thoughts for what they are?

    Then begin where it matters most. Being from within, because if you don't go within, you go without. What you resist will persist. If you ignore what I'm saying, you will continue on this path. That isn't to say it's the wrong path, but it will continue until you "cause" a different "effect."

    It is time to stop offering help to those who reject it, and start offering it to those who request it. Your local church, library, charitable groups, the red cross, homeless shelters, hospital care. People need people to come visit them while ill, people need you to donate your clothing, or to work the counter at the salvation arm or good-will. Someone needs you to feed them, to pour them soup at the local shelter kitchen.

    Go outside your home, pick up the trash along the street, or go to the town hall, ask if they have programs where you can be of service.

    Do you want to serve to be noticed and loved, or do you want to serve to actually help. That's a question you need to ask yourself, because as far as I can tell, right now it's a bit of both, and you'll need to reconcile that. It's ok to want to be appreciated, but it's not ok to depend on it for your very survival (Based on what you've expressed)

    I'm very optimistic that you'll accomplish this -- especially when you implement the teachings I've put forth.

    Then it's time to stop wanting. Because the world gives us exactly what it is we desire most. If you want something, you get exactly that "More wanting. You'll want and want and want."

    However, if you don't "want" but instead "choose" -- you'll have it all. Choose to live, choose to love, choose to be free, choose to please and serve others and to give! Choose it through your actions.

    Heaven -- if you read the bible -- was never intended to be a place you "got to" -- you can't go where you already are. Heaven in the here and now. "On earth, as it heaven." I'll post my mission statement at the end for you. A lot of people seem to find it useful in helping them to create their own.

    Why should their feelings be your justification for suffering? It's time to change your rationalizations and to find another reason to live, rather than through believe your selfish because you want to die, or because you think or feel whatever way you do.

    Sometimes death is better. Once you can understand that statement, you'll realize that there is a time for everything on earth. A time to love, a time to kill. I'm not suggesting you end your life, but what I am suggesting is that the world is full of ignorance, and while I don't know much, but I know this much. You can't live or die simply for the sake of others, else it's not really your life.

    If you love them, you'll let them go. That isn't encouragement to end your life, that's encouragement to live it.

    For someone so visionary, you are clearly very blind. That isn't a judgment, but rather an observation and I believe you'll be able to open your eyes the moment you start applying all these profound revelations from a different perspective. Rather than starting outside in the world, you'll start from within.

    Just Christ, at numerous times through the New Testament is said to have "gone off alone" to pray -- even while the sick and needy were requesting him. Do you know why?

    By now you should know the answer. I have great respect for your willingness to express all that you have, and I am very grateful for having had the opportunity to share with you my experience. With your skills and al your talents -- once refined and set on track, you won't derail, you'll get exactly where you're going. The destination though is less important than the journey -- as we've all heard so many times, so appreciate where you are today, even if you are sick, spiritually blind, and feeling uninspired. Begin now.

    Updated - January 2nd, 2007
    Last Copy - March 20th, 2005
    Personal Mission Statement

    • [*]Act As If and Be positive when capable and able and maintain that positivity as it strengthens the circle of influence.
      [*]Actions speak louder than words. Don't be deceived by eloquent talk: They're wolves in sheep's clothing. Users, losers, abusers: Be aware.
      [*]Always be responsible and proactive, and understand the circle of concern (COC) vs. circle of influence (COI) - What can I "change", and what can I "do" in my circle of influence. I have no control over people, places, and things directly in the circle of concern, but I can expand my influence by being "self focused".
      [*]Be "Self Focused" - but not "Selfish - Principle Centered - keeping the focus on myself and core ideals, values and my roles.
      [*]Be yourself, because those that matter don't mind, and those that mind, don't matter.
      [*]Constantly use Proactive language to support my Proactive attitude - it will reinforce my proactivity, and increase my COI while carefully being self aware of reactive language (Examples: I can't, I have to, and other unconscious negative or reactive words) which strips my power and gives it to people, places, and things in the COC.
      [*]Experiences are neither "good" or "bad" they just "are" - There is always purpose, meaning, and opportunities to be found so don't judge the "moment".
      [*]Keep your mouth shut - Listen twice as much as you speak, , and when you do speak share ESH: Share Experience, Strength, and Hope with people, but never give advice unless specifically asked, never voluntarily tell anyone anything they don't need to know, don't say more than you have to, unless you absolutely choose to do so consciously and are fully prepared for the possible known and unforeseen consequences.
      [*]Knowing is not enough you must apply, willing is not enough, you must do.
      [*]Never give up. There is no such thing as failure, there are only results. Always finish what you start, and do exactly what you tell yourself or anyone else you will do. If you set a goal, work to achieve it, exhaust all avenues; take it as far as it can possibly go. If you make a promise, keep it.
      [*]Never compromise my integrity, and well-being by behaving reactively - Between every Stimuli, and Response lay my choice.
    Daily Reminders:

    • [*]A goal is not always meant to be reached but may only serve as something to aim at. Keep your eye on the prize. It will become clearer as you near the target, but remember you can have anything you want, but you can't have everything.
      [*]Anything is possible if you have ability, motivation, and attitude
      [*]Be present everywhere by being present nowhere (now-here)
      [*]Consistency & Moderation bring harmony. - Only Sober Moderation is lasting. Maintain balance in your life with sober moderation and you will never have to worry about what you’re neglecting.
      [*]Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.
      [*]It can be, it is meant to be, it will be. Be thankful in advance for the "pre-sent" opportunities in your world. If you neglect what you have, and who you are, and who is there, all is meaningless.
      [*]Look to the root of the tree if you wish to understand the entire tree - don't stare at the leaves - stare at the root to see the tree in whole. If you understand the root of any issue, you will understand what grows from it. Find the least common denominators and you can understand all of their products.
      [*]Love life, mankind, and trust in the Natural Law of Life. You can consciously observe what is so in these Laws - and then experience the positive consequences.
      [*]Strive towards simplicity, creativity, efficiency, quality, and integrity.
      [*]Wise Men Have No need to prove their points, and men who have a need to prove their points aren't Wise - Be Wise. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, other then yourself.
    Goals For Cultivation:

    • [*]Be like flowing water - Naturally flow towards fulfilling your destiny. Never strive, never resist, never stand still. Be formless; find a way through any obstacle in your path. Water can't be broken. Water can flow gently or swiftly, swirl around, or crash violently, solidify as ice, turn to vapor in moments. Water maintains overall equilibrium and contains yin/yang and applies only as much force as is necessary. Water is life in motion.
      [*]Decide what your greatest burdens and dissatisfactions are and work to fix them before anything else, so they do not subconsciously drag you down. Surface your deepest causes of unhappiness and deal with them, by action or forgiveness. "Know the truth and the truth will set you free." Until you release these negative states, there will be conflicts within you – conflicts that will express themselves in disease(mental and or physical), unhappiness, confusion, and the illusion of failure. If lost, ask for directions: kneel and pray.
      [*]Keep it Simple - yet understandable when dealing with Nature & Spirituality - Paralysis by analysis is not necessary when trying divide the indivisible a part only makes sense when viewed with the whole. The purpose of Life is Life itself - Life is an experiment -The answer to "why?" is just "because." "Why ask why?"
      [*]Research & Learn - then keep what is important, discard what is not.
      [*]When Yang Strikes Use yin concepts: When life circumstances overwhelm you - bend with it - be flexible, gentle, and poised. Be relaxed and flow with it like a flowing river stream - eventually it will pass, and by complimenting the "yang" with an equal amount of "yin" you bring harmony and strength to yourself. (This too shall pass, and the storm will run it's course, and the sun will eventually shine again) "The Art of Fighting, without fighting". The best way to win a fight is to prevent it. Complimenting Yang is understanding how to surrender intelligently.
      [*]When yin strikes provide an equal amount of Yang concepts: stand Firm, Solid, and Inflexible to expand, and challenge oneself. Both bring harmony when applied within context.
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2010
  16. uh_no

    uh_no Guest

    Sorry about my previous post, I was mean. My apologies to dgo.
  17. dgo

    dgo New Member

    May 27, 2006
    Likes Received:
    Thanks, Metallic Blue. I'm not sure I agree with all of your advice, but I'll try. Thanks for putting so much of an effort into replying to me.

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Jun 22, 2007
    Likes Received:
    We all have to find our own way and no one can tell us who to be or how to get there. A personal philosophy is just that, personal, and here I've written mine. It's one among millions. Take what you like and leave the rest.

    Best wishes.

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