SRS I can't make friends

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by silky johnson, Mar 4, 2009.

  1. silky johnson

    silky johnson New Member

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    I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's very hard for me to make friends with anyone. I have TONS of acquaintances, but it really stops there. I have no problem at all meeting people and talking, but I can't seem to move it past that. Almost everyone I meet through school or work never really becomes more than someone I say hi to in class or as they walk by. It's been like this for a long time (since high school), but it's really catching up to me now and I'm tired of it. I have no one that lives near me that I can honestly call a friend. The few friends I do have that I'm close with I met online, but they don't live close. I really would like to meet up with other people, but no one ever calls me to hang out or talk. If I call them, they either can't or don't want to. Even if they did, I'd be the only one there because I don't have anyone else to bring along if they came, and this has made for some awkward situations. This cycle has been going on for years and years and I've had enough of it.

    I realize the problem is not with other people, but with me. For the life of me I can not see what the problem is. I do not know what it is I'm doing wrong. It's getting to the point where I'm desperate and starting to go crazy from it. I want to get out so bad, but there's nothing to do because there's no one for me to do it with. I think about it so much, but can never seem to do anything to fix my problem. All my life consists of is work, school, and sometimes going on dates. But the girl I've been seeing is losing interest quickly and it's really been eating me up. Almost all of my free time is spent at home, mostly on the computer, or just doing random bullshit around the house to kill time because I have nothing better to do.


    As for more about myself, I don't believe I have any major issues that would repel people. I don't have any self-confidence issues (besides this one) and I'm not shy at all. I'm not overweight and people tell me I'm attractive all the time. I don't act like a dick and I'm not egotistical. This is the first time I've ever mentioned anything about this, online or in person. I'm not sure if I should go see a psychologist or something because this is really starting to affect me.
     
  2. silky johnson

    silky johnson New Member

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    Real as in how? If you mean being myself, I honestly am, or at least I think I am. I don't try to act like anything I'm not. At least I don't think I come across that way. I've wondered this myself and sometimes I think people don't like "me."
     
  3. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    look for a hobby type club or something where you can meet people that have common interests in a group. that way you can get a bunch of people together to do that hobby/sport/whatever and slowly develop a friendship.
     
  4. silky johnson

    silky johnson New Member

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    I've tried this before and it doesn't really matter. It usually just results in the type of situation I described above.
     
  5. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    It's impossible to know what the deal is without knowing and/or observing you.

    There is this guy who started sitting next to me in my department at work. This guy annoys me to NO END. I can't stand him. He's never done anything mean, but he is so ridicuously annoying and he doesn't even have a clue why. I think he has picked up the hint that I don't like him, but I doubt he knows why, because he has only increased in doing the things that annoy me.

    The guy clearly has low self-esteem. I know this because everything he does is to get attention. He talks overly loud, even to himself. He butts into every conversation around him having to chime in with his own thoughts, including private conversations and even if someone says something aloud to themselves.
    The other day I was working on something and muttered aloud (barely above a whisper) something to myself about it. "That's annoying" is what I said. This guy suddenly stands up and looks over my cubicle; "What's annoying?" SO AGGRAVATING.
    When talking on the phone at his desk-which is attached to mine and the wall separating us-he pounds his hands on his desk shaking everything. He'll just be jabbering on and on periodically dropping a heavy hand upon his desk. This shakes my montior, my picture frames, everything. It's like having someone sit behind you in class and constantly kicking your chair absent mindedly.
    He also talks about his accomplishments to people and jabbers on about how awesome his truck is with all of the enhancements he has done to it. Even if the person he is talking to says they do not know what he is talking about when he gets into the mechanics of his truck, he continues on using verbiage that the person doesn't understand-almost relishing the fact that he knows more.

    Basically I think this guy has low self esteem and is countering this by trying to get attention, trying to get people to be impressed with him by bragging, jumping in desperately to every conversation, and doing everything loudly. It is annoying to no end. I personally believe he has no clue how he is or how he is being perceived. I do think that he suspects that a person or two doesn't like him, but I don't think he knows why.

    So looking at this guy as an example, perhaps there are things you are doing that you are completely unaware of. Maybe something is turning people away.

    There is another guy who is really nice at work, and I don't dislike him, but everytime he sees you he walks up and initiates a conversation. It doesn't matter if you are walking the opposite direction and moving with a purpose that indicates you are in a hurry to your destination. He will stop and try to talk to you in any situation. And by talk I am not referring to a "Hi, how are you" I mean that he tries to get into a conversation that could last 5 minutes long easily. His desperation to be liked is so strong that he tries way too hard.
    I met him when a cute girl I grew up with started at my company. It took him 1 day to attach himself to her and he followed her everywhere. He does this all of the time, to a lesser extent though to the guys. Someone trying that hard to attach himself to others is what makes you want to stay clear of him. It's all about self confidence.

    So again, I cannot say what it is you are doing or if you are even doing anything wrong. All I can tell you about is the type of people that cause me to avoid being buddies with them, despite them doing nothing "wrong" to me.
     
  6. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    If I were going to sum up what the previous poster said, people will be more likely to proactively pay attention to you if you seem interesting to them, instead of interested in them. Not saying you shouldn't give a shit what they think, but paying attention to every little detail of what other people do is going to make you look creepy, not cool.

    People are attracted to ego.
     
  7. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    are you making the effort to make friends?

    sure you have people you say hi/bye to.... but do you ask them to hang out? do you say "hey friday we should do X..... let me get your #".
     
  8. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Maybe read the book, "How To Win Friends and Influence People". It's a book still highly regarded today.
     
  9. silky johnson

    silky johnson New Member

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    I guess I fall short here. I don't think I come across as very interesting.
     
  10. silky johnson

    silky johnson New Member

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    Probably not as much as I should, but it usually reverts to what I described in the original post.
     
  11. silky johnson

    silky johnson New Member

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    I actually finished that book a few weeks ago. It definitely helped my relations with other people, but it wasn't like instant results.
     
  12. CappyStyles

    CappyStyles New Member

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    Um. Do stuff with people. Most people do something. I don't walk around with golf clubs on me all day, but if you asked me to golf with you, I would most likely say yes. Try and setup some shit like that. It will get you out of the house and start to build relationships with people outside of work/school.
     
  13. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Neither do I, to be honest, but there are those people who are apparently interested in what I have to say. It's the stuff you do without realizing it that makes you interesting.

    More importantly, you need to act like you are interesting, not like you're trying to be interesting. That's the ego part.
     
  14. The Grid

    The Grid OT Supporter

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    how old are you?
     
  15. Ivan

    Ivan New Member

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    When you stop caring, you'll have friends. That as long as you're not an asshole, or annoying, of course. If you seem clingy or desperate, people will stay away from you.
     
  16. dan zig

    dan zig New Member

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    Have you tried craigslist?

    They have a 'strictly platonic' friends section,you would be surprised how many people have the same problem that you do.
     
  17. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Yes. This. Dude, that exactly describes this woman I worked with at my last job. You nailed it exactly. This woman would always butt into conversations, and she would always be at her desk saying her thoughts out loud, and you just know it was because she wanted someone to reply so badly.

    I actually felt bad for her... but I still didn't want to hang out with her.
     
  18. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    To the threadstarter:

    Chances are it's one of two things:

    1. There's something you're doing that is turning people off. If you're being needy or clingy that's the biggest turnoff in the world, for relationships as well as for friendships. Also if you're doing things that other people find to be annoying. It's hard to quantify what these are, it's almost like I'd have to observe you and tell you what you're doing.

    2. You're hanging out with the wrong people. Depending on your personality type, it may be hard for you to find people with whom you have common interests and common opinions. Not everyone is a super extrovert allstar life of the party. I'm not, and generally speaking I don't get along well with people who are. But when I meet someone who is like myself, we click almost instantly. It's just rare when I actually meet someone like that.

    The most important thing for you to do is to become comfortable with who you are. To be honest, I'm a cool guy, but I don't have that many friends (compared to the huge party people) and I don't hang out that often, but you know what? I don't give a shit. And that makes me cool. My friends invite me out a lot, and I turn them down a lot because I don't want to go (or recently because I don't feel good)... and it probably makes them think I'm cooler because it implies I've got my own shit going on. Which brings me to my next, but related, point:

    Have your own shit going on.

    People who do things are cool. It doesn't matter what it is. People with interests are cool. If your interests are sports then you will find a million people to hang out with. Personally I don't give a shit about sports, so I usually don't hang out with those people.

    But even if your interests are something "nerdy" like anime or videogames, as long as you are TRUE to yourself about it and CONGRUENT with yourself, (most) people will think it's cool. I had a friend in high school who was hardcore into anime (this is before anime was all mainstream like it is now). Some people made fun of it, but he was like whatever, fuck you guys, I like it. He wasn't apologetic about it. He was comfortable with it. He was also an incredible artist. And he was always the coolest guy. And anyway, now he works for a videogame company doing character design making a ton of money and loving his job. He has a ton of friends and everyone thinks he's cool because he was always so congruent with what his intersts were.

    Seriously, be content with yourself FIRST and don't give a shit about other people and the coolness will come. If you invite someone to do something and they say no, who cares. But you have to HONESTLY not care because your life isn't so pathetic that you let other people determine if you're having a good time or not.

    Invite someone to a concert. They say no. Who cares, go anyway and have a good time. You're going because you like the band, not because it's a social event.

    Get a hobby. Maybe you like flying RC airplanes. None of your friends are interested in that? Oh well. You still like it, right? So do it. But don't dismiss it as "that nerdy thing I do." Fuck it and fuck them. Be proud of what you do.

    I have a lot of nerdy hobbies but people don't make fun of me because I'm cool about it. They know I enjoy it. Because I like it, they respect it and think it's cool. Not saying they want to join me and get into it, but they're like "oh yeah, that thing you do. that's cool." Sometimes just watching someone talk about something they're interested in can be captivating... the exception being when it's ALL you talk about, like the one dude here who mentioned the guy who only talks about his truck and no one cares.


    Through all of this, you will learn SOCIAL CALIBRATION. You will become calibrated to what works, what is acceptable, what is "weird", and what doesn't work. It sounds like right now you don't know exactly what you "should be doing" and that's because you're not calibrated correctly.

    Think of it like this. Say you join a boxing gym and you know some techniques and then you get in the ring to spar for the first time. You're going to get owned because your mind isn't calibrated yet to know what to expect in a sparring match and to know what you should do, or what works and doesn't work.

    Now it's 3 years later and you're competing. You're damn calibrated and you can defeat opponents, or at least put up a good fight because you know exactly what works and what doesn't. You react without thinking.

    That's an analogy for the process you need to go through socially. It won't take 3 years, I just made that number up for the boxing example. But soon you will learn what works for you and what doesn't work for you socially, and you'll be able to adapt to any situation.

    You said sometimes you go on dates. You can't be THAT bad, because people who are really socially out of whack can't get dates. No one dates a weird person.

    Just find something you're interested in and go from there. Even WoW works. Who gives a shit if people don't like it. If YOU like it, then that's enough. Just don't spend hours at a dinner party telling people how you leveled up your Mage and you're looking for a good tank for your new guild. That's weird and boring (unless you're talking to other WoW players, then it's acceptable).

    Got it?
     
  19. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Wow, everything I write is gold. I didn't realize how long that was!
     
  20. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    Honestly, I did not read every post. Because i read the title, and a huge flag flashed in front of my face.

    When i was in about 3rd grade, I had a classmate that was a total downer, and he always used the word "can't" It got to the point of being pathetic. The teacher sat us all down, taking time from the normal lesson plans, and told us that can't was not a word. From that point, till the end of the school year, all of us said can't from time to time and we all reminded each other that it was not a word. Kids that age are still easily fooled. It got me in the habit never using it to say "I can't do something". I grew up and realized it actually really was a word in the English dictionary, but I decided to omit it as an official word in my own dictionary. It has been among the few best decisions i have made in life.

    So start there, get rid of this can't mess. Then take some of this great advice a lot of people have taken the time to give. it is wonderful advice.
     

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