SRS I became a father and realized something

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by punkerjim, Apr 2, 2005.

  1. punkerjim

    punkerjim Guest

    ... well, two things

    all my life i thought i hated children. turns out i just hate the parents that raise their children poorly

    second: i actually have a heart and feelings. i didn't think it would effect me any but it really has... i actually cried because i was so happy.

    well... three things

    my wife gets pretty pissy when she thinks I don't help enough. She's at home with the baby all day (maternity leave) and when i get home she's quick to dump my daughter on me. I'm happy to take care of her but I'm not very skilled at it and she (baby) starts to cry and I don't know what to do. I give it about 20 minutes but nothing i do makes her stop crying... so... i give her back to my wife... and this adds to her "you don't help enough" idea.

    I'm usually making dinner or cleaning or whatever so it isn't like i'm NOT helping at all... just not much with the baby.

    any parents with advice for a new father would be apreciated because it seems we have been getting in more fights since the baby came.
     
  2. While I'm not a father, I can recommend one or two things you may find useful. Sometimes asking questions and talking with your wife about how she cares for the child when you're not around can help you discover new ways to approach the crying child. Asking during a time of frustration, such as when you're handing your daughter back to your wife, will probably not be so productive as you've most likely discovered. See if a heart to heart during less stressful periods will yield something useful. Maybe you can ask questions while out during a date away for one night during the week/weekend.

    Reading a book on parenting is sometimes useful too. If that's something you'd consider, it may give you ideas that otherwise would have eluded you.
     
  3. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    I have a 5 year old boy, and a 2 1/2 year old boy. My wife is a stay at home mom.

    I can tell you, from my own personal experiences, and watching friends, family, and neighbors, children are wonderful blessings; but the stress of raising one, especially at the newborn stages can make - or break a marriage.

    It's hard to maintain honest, completely open communication skills when you both are running on 3 hours of sleep for months on end. And there is a natural human tendency to "keep score" as to whom is doing what part of pulling the load around the house.

    It's VERY IMPORTANT that you both remember that you are working as a team. It's also VERY IMPORTANT that you both make it a priority to arrange for child care, and have husband/wife time so you both remember that you are more than just parents.

    One finds oneself so wrapped up in being a parent, that it's very easy to forget that we, the spouses in the relationship also have needs that need to be conveyed, and met.

    I wish I could tell you that there's a magic, easy pill to take to make it all easy. Sadly it's not. But what in life that is worthwhile does come easy? (for some people, even breathing is a chore... something to remember when you honestly don't think you can get up for that 2:00 am feeding/diaper change)

    That all being said, while my own marriage was very nearly ended in divorce this past year, children can also be a bond to force a couple to stick together and re-concentrate on working things out.

    Neither my wife, or I could stand the thought of being part time parents. We had a catharsis point back in November. And have been making an extremely concerted effort to communicate more openly. We make a concerted effort to not only make sure we have time to "date" each other again, but also have our own "alone time" needs met as well.

    We all tend to think that our own experiences are so unique that nobody could possibley understand. Yes, there are specific nuances that obviously make our own experiences and relationships somewhat unique, there are more importantly basic, and fundamental similarities in stresses that can tear people apart.

    Now back to the specific issues. Your wife needs some alone time, and/or time to be with adults. You have your own needs as well, but don't go there yet. As Michael said, find a time to sit, and ask your wife specifically how. Let her know that you understand her needs, and that it may take several more discussions for it to come naturally.

    That all being said, don't ignore your own needs either. Whether they be a bar night, or literally sexual.

    It may read like I haven't given you an idea on how to quiet the baby. I haven't yet, cause there isn't a magical aid there either. I honestly believe that you should give your wife an entire night off. Have her go over some basic baby caring instructions with you, and then send her out to enjoy some time with her girlfriends and/or perhaps just alone time to nap, read a book, or soak in the tub.

    You need to then experiment with methods that will quiet your daughter. Your daughter will eventually grow to seek different types of comforting from each parent.

    She may quiet instantly with mom, but it may take walking around and humming, or rocking, or music, or reading a book to her for your deeper male voice to help in soothing her. It may take different holding positions as there are obvious different anatomical builds between men and women. EXPERIMENT. And cherish the time cause it's not a cliche', it does go too fucking fast.

    edit: and in your experimenting. Don't worry that it's not manly to sing, or dance, or make goofy faces. A child's love is the most unconditional love I've ever had the honor of experiencing, and they don't care that you are wearing mommy's apron, or that your voice cracks on some of the strains of "hush littlle baby". :)
     
  4. Excellent.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Going along with MB,

    I also want to state that the couples which work out best, are the ones who 'complain' to eachother. You need to talk to your wife and ask her feelings and that she needs to be totally open with you in what she feels that you have to do in raising a child. Just do the things she asks you to do, and try to feed it, and give it milk, and be a part of the process. You have to do the things that lie on your end, and she has to do the things that lie on her end. And in longer terms love is a way of giving and receiving. To your partner and to your child. Give them those bits of attention ,work and love so they will remain satisfied.

    :wavey: Congrats on your daughter.
     
  6. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    Try a pacifier. When the baby starts to cry, get up and walk around. Babies like to be held, they want you to walk around while you hold them. Move small toys, rattles, stuffed animals close to them, make noises ,smile. Babies this little have a short attention span. They can be amused by simple things...A ceiling fan, a small toy, but you will have to make all this stuff happen...They want you to create some baby drama. You'll do fine.
     

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