SRS I am torn emotionally.... vs: love life

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by zboost, Apr 19, 2009.

  1. zboost

    zboost OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2006
    Messages:
    1,682
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    N. Austin
    Well im mostly trying to get some serious advice and direction. I will make this brief and to the point.

    Im @ 2 years with my fiance, love her to death. She is a single mother who unfortunetly was cheated on and basically used in her past relationship. She is honest, hard working (60+ hours a week while dealing with a kid). Her kid is 4 1/2 now. She just turned 27

    I am 22 and single without much experience in the woman thing. We both love each other. I have noticed something though, at this point in our relationship I still cannot accept her child. I am sort of embarrassed when all 3 of us go out (not because of her, but the "child" thing). I have realized I will never feel comfortable and it is not fair for her or the kid to have to go through that.

    I realize that emotionally I will never be #1 in her life, since the day I met her her kid is #1 (And I do not disagree with that, that's how it should be if she is a good mother).

    Me still being young though, I want to experience new things, woman, but I don't want to cheat on her. I would never do that, or live 2 lifes.

    Something inside tells me to let her go and start a new life, but it would be devastating for me and for her, I mean she hasn't done anything wrong and neither have I. It is just something I should have realized 2 years ago when I met her. We work together as well (we met working side by side :) A break up would be so incredibly hard seeing her every day ( I would try to transfer, but it wouldn't be immediate)

    That's my dillema, separate with a woman whom in this day and age is a gem (has values, culture, respect and raised in a foreign country avoiding the "american" slut thing) and whom I love to go and experience new things, a single life with a younger woman with no kids.

    what is OT's opinion?
     
  2. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2003
    Messages:
    55,923
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    From this point, regardless of your decision, you will come across a wall in either path you take.

    Let's just say during your first path, you break up with her, end up going around partying, and screwing hot women. The wall will eventually hit you and you will realize that you really love her and you regret your actions.

    The second path you take would involve staying with her. Eventually down the road you may grow a resentment towards her because you've never gave yourself the opportunity to go out and have the fun that you want.

    At this point, you will regret it either path you take. However, there is opportunity to find new roots later on down the first path.
     
  3. Ichinichi

    Ichinichi take dat blue pill

    Joined:
    May 8, 2001
    Messages:
    12,536
    Likes Received:
    83
    Do not forget that if the woman really loves you as you indicate and is as mature as you ought to expect from a 27 y.o., there is the possibility that she is also aware of and has anticipated alternative compromises to the concerns you outlined in your original post.
     
  4. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,618
    Likes Received:
    179
    Location:
    Dingoland
    As a parent you should be making your partner number one. Your role as a parent is to prepare your child for the real world. Not to make your entire life about them and then lose yourself when they leave the house.

    You have been in the child's life since it was 2. By now you should be a very strong part of it's life. Do you guys live together? Do you agree on parenting? Are you in the child s a parenting figure, or just mum's boyfriend? Is the child's dad in the picture?

    Partner or child, both of them should feel like the most important thing in the world. If you can't share her, then you are probably best moving on. But I don't agree that you should have to put up with feeling second.
     
  5. Xavier

    Xavier There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2008
    Messages:
    949
    Likes Received:
    0
    :hs:
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2009
  6. Kafka

    Kafka New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2007
    Messages:
    48,664
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles --> D.C.
    :rofl: drippydrip

    but on a more serious note, is the child of another race than you or is it obvious it's not yours? because to sympathize with you i'd be embarassed to a little. I'm only 2 years older than you and I also don't think I have the maturity to accept another man's offspring....maybe the relationship was sort of flawed from the beginning and it's either up to you to accept it as a flawed thing (many relationships are cuz nothing is perfect) or move on
     
  7. zboost

    zboost OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2006
    Messages:
    1,682
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    N. Austin
    we don't live together. We agree on parenting, childs dad is in the picture, although he rarely picks the kid up, maybe once a month.
     
  8. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    This relationship is going to end. Resentment will be the consequence if it does not end sooner rather than later.

    My suggestion is to gradually prepare yourself by:

    1: changing jobs first, start looking for one.

    2: start removing your things slowly from her house.

    3: remain quiet in the process - don't tell her what you're doing.

    The goal here is not to deceive, but rather to protect you from making the situation worse than it already will be.

    Once you have found a new job and have it lined up, -- keep all of this quiet --

    4: make sure you have the job, and then you can procede.

    5: Invite her to meet you somewhere

    6: (drive separately), where the child will not be present. You will need this so things are not awkward. Driving "together" back is not enjoyable, I assure you. An afternoon meal at a busy place is best. (order light and cheap food, you won't be eating, I assure you, so don't spend the extra cash - plus you don't want to throw up after, which isn't unusual if you do eat heavy).

    7: When she arrives, immediately tell her you invited her here to tell her that you no longer wish to continue the relationship.

    8: If she asks why, tell her you're interested in dating someone else.

    9: She will likely ask for more answers, but there are none that you can give. Every answer you give will generate more questions, which will generate more answers, which will lead to anger, crying, pain, or perhaps total indifference and hatred.

    10: Keep it short and to the point and then say "I really need to go, I am really sorry, you deserve happiness, but that isn't something I can give you."

    11: If she calls you after, don't answer the phone.

    12: Pack up her things carefully, drop them off when you know she won't be home. Make multiple trips if necessary.

    13: Write her a card briefly explaining why you ended it so she has closure.

    14: Don't speak with her again unless she leaves a message of some sort asking for something back that you forgot, or that she needs something significant that can't be ignored.

    15: Emotionally, give nothing once you've stopped contact.

    Do things in this order. It will allow you to "think" through things without saying things you don't mean.

    You can't console and decrease the suffering that will be inevitable, you can only protect yourself and be prepared to walk away with detachment. Be systematic and you'll have a much smoother ride and avoid most of the "messy" stuff. It will still hurt terribly. She will still hurt terribly. It is for the best.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2009
  9. Daria

    Daria New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,529
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ottawa, Canada
    I think this all really boils down to how much you love your partner. Right now you seem slightly indifferent. You should definitely follow your heart on this one.

    If you really did love your partner to death, you would never even consider leaving. Since you are even thinking about it, I would think that perhaps you should move on and find someone that you feel you truly bond with, instead of having the emotional separation because of the child.

    You will be much happier with your life if you can find someone that you can feel one with and that can bring you happiness, without the discomfort and doubt in your heart.

    On the other hand, I could have the wrong impression. Perhaps the woman you are with you love dearly. In which case, I would talk to her and work with her on being first with her emotionally. Come clean with your feelings about the child. Perhaps you could spend more time involving yourself with the child to get a bond started. I am concerned that if your partner never put you first from the get-go, that putting you first later on won't work, but if you love eachother enough, you can make it work.
     

Share This Page