I am so awkward around women

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by busydoingnothing, Feb 12, 2007.

  1. busydoingnothing

    busydoingnothing A broken man too tough to cry

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2006
    Messages:
    3,266
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan
    I need to vent. I'm 24 and it has always been this way. I'm so shy and awkward around women it's not even funny. I have such a negative perception of myself when it comes to women. Even if a girl tells me I'm cute (not very often, but it does happen), I don't believe her. I'm always afraid that I'm boring and uninteresting and don't have a lot to offer. I really don't know how to fix this either.

    I've been talking to this girl in my English class for about 2 weeks now. She found me on myspace and said I was cute and everything and we started talking. She's actually cute as hell and has an awesome body...it's a rarity for a girl like this to actually acknowledge me. Thing is, we don't really have a ton in common, so this makes it far more awkward. She's also 19, and I typically wouldn't go after someone younger. We were hanging out tonight watching TV (we hung out twice before, both times at her friend's place, both times drinking) for like 5 hours and nothing happened. I was holding her and stuff, she was poking me and playing around a bit. I feel like I'm all rigid and creepy with my hands, I was caressing her back and her sides and stuff. Nothing major.

    So, since I am extremely shy and not good at making moves, I said in a playful manner, "I think you should just sit on my lap facing me. That would be more comfortable." Something along those lines...and I'm pretty sure I caught her off guard, and I'm pretty sure she blushed, and she was like "What? Why?" not creeped out, just kinda caught off guard. She never did sit on my lap...after we were playful again a bit later, I brought it up...nothing happened. So of course, I felt a bit shmucky.

    I dunno, she seems to dig me but wasn't about to sit on my lap. I'm horrible at reading signals, really, so maybe I was misinterpretting things, but the way she was being playful and stuff, I thought it was a sign to proceed, ya know. Maybe she's just as shy, I don't know.

    Maybe in this case, I'm shooting myself in the foot, since I don't think we have a lot in common. Maybe I'm just going after her cause she's attractive and she's attracted to me. Maybe this will just be something brief for fun, I don't know. But really, I'm sick of how I am so damn shy and insecure around women. It sucks. How do you fix 24 years of this shit? I'm in therapy for OCD (my obsession is that I think I am gay, and this is one of the main things that feeds into that). I've been wanting to fix this but I never know where to start. It's hard to break old habits I guess.

    I don't know where else I'm going with this, so I'll just end it. Thank you for letting me vent. :hsd:
     
  2. c0ldf1ame

    c0ldf1ame New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2004
    Messages:
    497
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    dear 24yr-old-would-be-virgin,

    if she's flirting back, she's either teasing you or she digs ya. You can, however, rule out that she's creeped out by you. My advice to you about breaking out of your shyness is ridding yourself of the fear of rejection. When a girl disses you, she really doesn't mean too much by it. While you're wallowing in all the reasons she could have rejected you, she's already forgotten you approached her. You're just simply not her type. Move on. Put your frown in a gum wrapper and toss it, buddy. Then shove a fresh piece in and smile. There is a fine line between cocky and having a healthy self-esteem. Do not come off as proud, but rather, assertive. Never answer a question with, "I don't know". Allow her to her talk about herself. You can never go wrong there. Also, I would do some more research on the gay bit as to not waste time on girls. It's good to know. BTW, this response is coming from 23 yr old female borrowing her friend's sn while waiting for her initiation post to be OK'ed....taking so f'ing long...
     
  3. I Pwn Noobs

    I Pwn Noobs Guest

    your OCD is that you think you're gay? :hsugh:
     
  4. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

    Joined:
    May 5, 2002
    Messages:
    57,467
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    the streets
    David DeAngelo has something to say on the topic:

    ***QUESTION***

    Dave-o...

    What would your advice be for a shy guy who
    used to be really ugly but is now not ugly and has
    plenty of women attracted to him but they never
    talk to him? How in the name of Oprah Winfrey's
    ass do I start a conversation with a woman I don't
    even know???

    >>>MY COMMENTS:

    OK, you realize that I've chosen your email to
    be included here is because you've mentioned
    Oprah's ass... which is a funny thing to talk
    about all by itself.

    Why, I have no idea... but it is.

    As far as starting conversations with women,
    here are a few ideas for you...

    First of all, you must realize that your body
    language is more important than the words you use.
    Wherever you are, and whatever the situation, you
    MUST remember that your composure and body
    language are the keys.

    I've watched a lot of guys approach a LOT of
    women in my day. And I can usually tell within the
    first few SECONDS if the guy knows what he's doing
    with women... and if he's going to be successful.

    Most guys use submissive, apologetic body
    language and voice tones... they almost look as if
    they're pleading with a woman to give them
    approval and that they're nervous and self
    conscious about the whole event.

    In other words, most guys come across as
    WUSSIES when they first approach women.

    On the other hand, the guys I know who are the
    most successful with women are the opposite.

    They're totally cool, calm, and collected. They
    often approach a woman and begin the conversation
    like they would with an old friend.

    There is no apologetic body language, and there
    are no signs of insecurity.

    They aren't there to find out if the woman is
    going to give them some approval... on the
    contrary, they are trying to find out if the woman
    meets THEIR standards.


    Think about how you'd act if you were only
    interested in finding out if she's the kind of
    exceptional woman that you're interested in
    getting to know better, instead of being concerned
    about whether or not she's going to like you...
    big shift, isn't it?

    Now, here's some homework for you:

    Sit down and think carefully about the most
    common situations you find yourself in where you
    see women that you'd like to meet and talk to.

    Think about what's going on in their minds,
    where they're going, what they've just done... and
    what they're about to do. Think about how they're
    probably feeling.

    Now, come up with 10 different ways that you
    could start a conversation in this situation.
    Remember that YOU'RE the one who is trying to
    figure out if SHE is the kind of woman you'd like
    to get to know better.

    Once you've come up with 10 good ones, pick
    your favorite, and mentally rehearse it.

    I realize that I'm asking you to do some work
    here, but it's sooooo worth it.

    I'm going to give you one more hint...

    Most of the guys I know who are great with
    women use the simplest of simple conversation
    starters.

    "Hi."

    "What are you drinking?"

    "Hi, are you from around here?"

    ...I realize that these sound simple, and they
    are. But they're so simple that they're DISARMING.
    They don't come across as canned "pick up lines",
    and they help you figure out very quickly if the
    woman you're talking to is friendly.

    And remember, relaxed body language is Key!
     
  5. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    I don't think you can be OCD in thinking you are gay. You just think you are gay because you suck that bad with girls.
     
  6. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2006
    Messages:
    195
    Likes Received:
    0
    hey "busy,"
    I feel for you. You are not alone in this. I am a 25 year old girl, and I am totally awkward around guys, I have no clue how to talk to them. I have never had anything that would even remotely resemble a relationship, just a bunch of crappy blind dates.
     
  7. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    that's an unusual story here. are you unattractive
     
  8. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2006
    Messages:
    195
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't think so, but I do wear glasses (can't get contacts in). And I am very shy, I don't know how to make conversation, and I'm afraid of people (especially if I like them).
     
  9. fray

    fray New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2006
    Messages:
    5,282
    Likes Received:
    0
    I believe OCD can be as simple as just getting obsessive thoughts that constantly cycle through your head, so maybe his obsessive thought is "oh no, I don't pull a lot of girls, what if I'm gay?"
     
  10. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    you should go start your own thread.
     
  11. Peyton Manning

    Peyton Manning I love your mom a whole, whole lot.

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2006
    Messages:
    4,706
    Likes Received:
    0
    at the risk of sounding rude, i have a feeling you're pretty unattractive. :hs:
     
  12. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2006
    Messages:
    195
    Likes Received:
    0
    You are rude, and in any case, I've had lots of guys tell me I'm pretty.
     
  13. Peyton Manning

    Peyton Manning I love your mom a whole, whole lot.

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2006
    Messages:
    4,706
    Likes Received:
    0
    a 25-year old "pretty" girl who can only get "a bunch of crappy blind dates"? umm, unless you're living in a hollywood movie, i don't see how this is possible. i'd rather be honest, even if i sound rude, than make up bs for an insecure person.
     
  14. ArthurPewty

    ArthurPewty New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2006
    Messages:
    916
    Likes Received:
    0
    I get the sense that there are likely other factors that will lead advice from an internet forum to be less than effective. I hope that therapy is working for you (success rate for OCD is pretty high). What may help hanging out with this girl and some friends so that they can see how she's responding and also catch possible mistakes that you are doing.



    A woman (or man) who is shy or anxious around other people and who has difficulty making conversation can come off as having little interest in the other person or even snobbish.

    I'd say that tieing looks closely to being "attractive" is mistaken. So much of appearing "attractive" is "attitude" conveyed through body language.
     
  15. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2002
    Messages:
    9,599
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    norcal
    prove it!
     
  16. Peyton Manning

    Peyton Manning I love your mom a whole, whole lot.

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2006
    Messages:
    4,706
    Likes Received:
    0
    i would say that apply a lot more, if not exclusively, to men than it does to women. a "looks-challenged" woman is unattractive regardless of her "attitude", whereas a hot woman is going to be attractive regardless of her lack of "attitude". this is because men place such a high premium on looks, whereas women care more for other things such as money, power and prestige. the situation may be different for people in their 30s and 40s but for people in their 20s, that's definitely the case.
     
  17. fray

    fray New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2006
    Messages:
    5,282
    Likes Received:
    0
    shit. not the money, power, and prestige topic again.
     
  18. ArthurPewty

    ArthurPewty New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2006
    Messages:
    916
    Likes Received:
    0

    A woman's greatest asset will always be her smile.

    And a come hither look.








    Crap! That's two isn't it?
     
  19. Peyton Manning

    Peyton Manning I love your mom a whole, whole lot.

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2006
    Messages:
    4,706
    Likes Received:
    0
    now imagine that smile and the come hither look with all that attitude on toeshoes. lol
     
  20. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2006
    Messages:
    32,407
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OKC
    one day at a time. Pick a goal and start working towards it.
    I used to wonder if I was gay because I went long periods of time between relationships....and my thoughts were all fucked up with alcoholism. My shrink helped me sort it out in about a minute. Here's how:

    He asked me to name a male that I thought was hot or attractive or one that was considered that by a number of people. I said I dunno, I guess Brad Pitt. Then he asked me to name a woman I thought was hot or attractive or one that was considered that by a number of people. I said Jennifer Connelly.

    Then he said ok...imagine that Brad is through door #1 and wants to have sex with you and Jennifer is through door #2. Now when you choose the door, nooone will ever find out which one you chose and after you go through that door you can have sex with that person...they won't refuse you. Then he asked me which one and I siad #2 most definately and it was the truth. Door #1 wasn't what I was interested in. I haven't worried about it since....it's really that easy.

    IMO if you wanted to go through Door #1, then you're prolly gay or at least bi. But so what...there are plenty of happy gay people in the world. You are what you are....no use denying it.
     
  21. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2006
    Messages:
    4,994
    Likes Received:
    0
    I feel for you [and before anyone asks, I am very pretty and have a great body (please refer to 'post your private parts' in FS if you need empirical evidence) am very interesting/intelligent tri-lingual well read/well traveled in college blah blah blah] and am insanely awkward around men.
    For me, it's because I find them threatening (I developed early and had old men hitting on me starting about 12) overbearing, cocky, etc. I have, over the years, become very good at finding guys that won't be like this, and have a spectacular boyfriend...but I remember the days of HS/early Uni where when ANY guy talked to me, I just got awkward and stammered until he left.
    I’m sure you have your own reasons for your guy troubles. There is no actual point to this, except to say it is quite possible to have guy troubles, sans hideousness.
    I’m sure you are beautiful.
     
  22. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2006
    Messages:
    32,407
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OKC
    He said his obsession is that he thinks he's gay.

    Some people may not understand why this is an issue but I could totally relate. Hell it fucked with me for years...but I was never attracted to men so looking back, I wonder why I was soo screwed up about it. After my shrink helped me sort it out, it hasn't been an issue since. Perhaps the solution is obvious to many but for some reason I couldn't sort it out myself.
     
  23. busydoingnothing

    busydoingnothing A broken man too tough to cry

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2006
    Messages:
    3,266
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan
    Thanks for all the advice everyone. I really need to just work towards getting over it. It's fucked with me for so long, I just need to get to a point where I'm so fed up that I just say "fuck it" and let go.

    demosnat hit on something key: I find women threatening. I instantly get nervous in the presence of an attractive girl. There's this one girl in my Creative Writing class who is *AMAZING*, and she sat down next to me the other day and I got EXTREMELY nervous. I cracked a few jokes and said something about being tired of reading these awful stories and she said "I am so glad you said that." So eventually I am able to loosen up, I just get afraid of it escalating, because I have fears of not being able to perform sexually (I have lost wood before or have had difficulty getting hard...that adds to me thinking I'm gay)...so it's still pretty fucked up. I just need to be comfortable talking to women as human beings and not all as potential fuck mates.

    And just to clear things up a little about the OCD, this is a known issue, although not widely talked about. You can read two articles about it here:

    http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson7.php
    http://westsuffolkpsych.homestead.com/Am_I_Gay.html

    Many OCD resources will mention "sexual obsessions," and this is just another one of them. It's not fun. When I am obsessing, I LITERALLY do not go a MINUTE out of the day without thinking about my sexuality at least once...mulling it over in my head, looking for hints, testing my reactions to various thoughts, etc. etc. My therapist, whom I believe is gay himself, says I am definitely obsessive. He doesn't know where I am on the kinsey scale, but he says I'm definitely not a 0, which I would agree. So that's pretty much that. I've been doing better these past 2 weeks with my obsessions, I just need to keep it up.

    Thanks again for reading.
     
  24. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2006
    Messages:
    4,994
    Likes Received:
    0
  25. toeshoes

    toeshoes Guest

    :naughty:
     

Share This Page