SRS I am sick, and alone, and I feel miserable

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Peyomp, Jun 1, 2005.

  1. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    I am sick again. For the third time. In two months. The first time lasted 10 days before I took an antibiotic. Normal Indian adjustment, yeah? Only it didn't go away. General cold symptoms, and delhi belly. Nothing out of the ordinary, but the combination of cold/diahrea was unusual. Although from speaking to other travellers that is quite common here.

    The second time I brought on myself three weeks ago: I cycled 40 or so miles on a single speed, in 100F heat, on shitty jungle roads, then drank to excess. Urak, which is toxic in ways other than alcohol. Who knows whats in it. Both activities NUKE your immune system, seriously and clinically measurably so. That may well have been Typhus. For three days and sleepless nights my innards pumped out the contents of my intestines, but the scary thing was that the cramping did not stop one I was on empty... having not eaten for several days. It kept going. I had to get up and sit on the toilet and just squeeze out... nothing. Nothing left. At one point the first bad night, I was kinda delerious. A friend got me antibiotics the next day, and I got better pretty quick. I rode 40 more miles about 5 days later. I took 1000mg Cipro daily for 10 days. Enough that it should have even nuked Typhus.

    Then again I did 40 miles. Then again. Yesterday I just sprinted around the village. Less than 10 miles, but all out. A sprint. I awoke this morning to serious shitting. Now the diahrea and fever have hit me again. I took tylenol, but I feel like shit.

    I have been eating Chicken and Fish, and that is going to stop. I actually pray that this doesn't get bad again. I can't take it. This is seriously fucking with my mood. Sick and sick and sick and all alone. Everyone I knew left for the monsoon. I'm out of here in a week, assuming I don't have dysentary (no blood yet) and am too sick to travel. Taking 3 courses of Cipro in 2 months is rediculous.

    My business plans have unravelled. All that would keep them going is hope, and that entrepenureal spirit... to pitch and pitch and pitch. Everyone is full of shit. Friends don't have drive, interest... they're ful of shit about business. This spirit... that I am shitting out every half hour. I can't take this shit anymore. God dammit to fucking hell, I've never been more healthy in years, quit smoking three weeks ago, quit drinking as well, cycling hard... sick as a dog 1/3 of the time at least. My friends in Atlanta don't reply to my emails. Apparently everyone is pissed I left, or has nothing to talk to me about if it isn't over a tall can of PBR.

    My intestines might not be up to India. What the fuck do I do then? I will not go home. There are people I love there... but that place is dead to me. As soon as I leave, its like I can breathe again. Portland. That is where I would have to go. I hear its nice there.

    Here's my plan: I'm sending this computer back to the guy that lent it to me when my iBook broke, after burning my files to several CDs and mailing them out, retaining one, etc. Then I'm going off the map for a long, long while. Up into the mountains. No contact with anyone back west. It felt like I had it together through this creative outlet... but its bust. And now I'm stuck with my inactive self, who rapidly spins webs of painful silk round the cavities of my mind, feeling betrayed, and shitty. I can deal with this... when I'm healthy. But I swear to god sick after sick after sick is just killing me emotionally. I really feel for Metallic Blue right now. I mean, I knew the risks when I moved here, but I had no idea. I'm just so fucking worn down right now, I'm too tired to cry.

    Maybe there's a book out of all this. Maybe thats why I'm freaking out. Literary technique.

    Its a Peyompian pity party. Indulge me. No, BEAT ME. Karma dictates that you must.
     
  2. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    P.S. Just to put this in perspective... I look in the mirror today, and I hadn't been because I was waiting a la the Henry Rollins Iron essay, to see results. I have lost at least 30-40 pounds. I am down 4 inches in the waist. Cycling hard, and having diahrea 1/3 of the time and being unable to eat is apparently the world's most effective weight loss program. But its to the point where its alarming.

    Yes, I'm going to a doctor tomorrow.
     
  3. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2005
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    0
    You know your own body man so you be the judge....but I took advice a lot from several of the Iron Man atheletes I used to hang out with while I was getting in shape. They all told me there was a point where too much hard training became detrimental to your body instead of beneficial.

    All the Iron Men atheletes knew what they were doing wasn't exercise...it was competition. They knew they'd have to cut it back to become "healthy" again someday. They got sick more often then most too.

    Listen to your body bro...it's telling you something ;)

    EDIT: Toasty has bad grammer.
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2005
  4. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    But... the Himalayas...
     
  5. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    Peyomp is now dizzy. The monsoon is raining inches an hours. It is 4am. Rain is streaming in through the cracks in the window. The nearest hospital I'd go to is an hour away. Hard to do that now.

    Peyomp is now scared. Thank god I got a cell phone.
     
  6. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    Added bonus: Peyomp had a large Tic fall on his arm from above. Peyomp got up to boil water and discovered an enormous spider above his head when he returned to bed.

    Things are looking downcast for Peyomp.
     
  7. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Peyomp must clean house. Metaphorically and in reality.
     
  8. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    Peyomp has woman clean house for $7 every few weeks. Tropical insects no care.

    Dizziness has increased. Stumbled a bit to turn off the burner. Hmmmm... don't even know if the roads area passeable right now.
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Ok, so on a more mundane level, do you know and trust your neighbour? Meaning, if you pass out, will anyone know?
     
  10. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    The neighbors are all just people that pop in and out on weekends from big cities. I could always have stumbled through the monsoon across the parking lot to the security gate up front and told him I was dying, or called 102 for an ambulance that... might have come.

    Okay... this time is wasn't something severe like last time. Don't get me wrong, I had a mini-poo when I woke up just now at 4pm, and I was kinda out of it last night. But it was E. Coli. Food poisoning. The 24 hour bug. Man, that was loopy. Ugh.
     
  11. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2000
    Messages:
    11,036
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    42.520686, -83.305014
    I'd have a tough time over there. :hs:

    not sure if it'd be a good idea for me to be alone on a journey such as yours - the temptation to use/abuse people for absurdly small amounts of money would just be too great :(

    I'm afraid, without any peers, friends and family to whom I wouldn't want to disappoint with my darkest version of my real me, that it would surface, and I'd spiral into a huge pit of pure debauchery. Then, out of partial guilt, and partially a feeling of needing to punish myself, I'd ride even harder than you have been...

    hold it together man, lord knows you're stronger than I believe I am...
     
  12. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    I dunno man, this isn't really a place for debauchery. Thats North Goa.
     
  13. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    I dunno man, this isn't really a place for debauchery. Thats North Goa.

    Anyway, I'm headed to Delhi, and then up to the Himalayan foothills on the 7th. I'm glad to be going. I have enjoyed goa, but its time to get lost.
     
  14. I can really relate. Most of my life I'd been to tired to cry, or too numb. Illness like that is eventually just crippling on all fronts. I am so thankful that the vast majority of my fight is finally over. What are you running from? Who?
     
  15. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    I was running towards, when I came here. Towards creativity, self-expression, independance. But now I'm pretty uncertain that the project I've been pouring all my energy into, when I haven't been focusing on my physical health (exercise, exercise-oriented diet, etc.) and mental health (walks on beach, meditation, floating in pool looking at eagles) is going to happen. So, I'm a bit lost. And yes, my ego is a bit fucked. But you know, the guy that started Compaq had to come up with 5 different product ideas and designs (months of work each one) before his partners agreed that this "portable computer" thing he finally came up with was worth funding. I guess you've either got those kinda balls, or you don't. I've invested alot emotionally into my current project, and since it doesn't look like its going to materialize... I need a break. Whenever I think technology, I think about this project. Its consumed my mind. Everything relates to it. Thats the kind of obsession you need to succeed here, but its hard to let go. Thats why I'm going to the Himalayas. To clear my fucking head with meditation and high altitude exercise, amongst the natural wonders of the Himalayas.

    Running away? Away from a girl, har har. See that article about love causing Anxiety, and sex relieving it? I sought to avoid mounting anxiety. Cuddle bitch syndrome. No, that was only a small part of it, and there are more direct ways to go about such things. I jest. But she inspired my project, and her non-participation is the key reason it is dead/dying. So more than being disappointed in a business sense... I feel totally abandoned, and hurt. "Abandoned," thats how she said she felt about me leaving to India. I guess this is revenge. But actually, its not. She just doesn't much give a fuck. And thats hard to accept, hard to believe. She has priorities and although she "cares about me," I am way the fuck down on that list. So I'm moving on, in both a business sense, and a personal one. Yes it hurts. Yes this was predictabel and inevitable.

    The truth is I had no career, direction, or girl/boyfriend in America... and it wasn't much interested in any opportunities available to me in these areas. I don't want to work for other people ever again unless its manual labor, and I'm more content to take a shot at starting a company, or to live my life as a wanderer, saving money to explore the world doing crap jobs that only require you bust your ass, than I am to sit in a cubicle all day for not quite enough money. I'm not having casual sex anymore, and yet I was unable to let go of a crush on a friend. I was stuck there, too. So like all people who emigrate... I sought a new and better life over the horizon. I enjoy adapting to new cultures anyway, and new shit turns me on. It inspires me.

    All of this is clear and I can cope, until I get hit with food poisoning, typhus, or traveller's diahrea. At first I think its some emotional issue. Some mood swing. Then I realize its physical. Only the mood swing stays. It sucks to be alone, and stuck in bed, stumbling around your mind clouded with fever, hoping and praying you don't have to go to an Indian hospital.

    My fall-back is to get a book out of all this. And I don't mean a travelogue. I record fragments, characters, moods and scenes, story ideas and pieces in a composition notebook that is now almost full. I email lovely little descriptions of things to my friends and family. All of this might add up to something, if I can ever focus enough to get beyond the blurb.

    So P-Dog is hanging in there. Running, but stopping to smell the flowers while he carbs up. I guess I have to be much more careful about my health than I had realized, because it really fucks with my mind when I am ill, and on my own far from home.

    If nothing else... I've lost about 40 pounds (estimate) and 4 waist inches since I got here. India is the world's best fat farm: no fast food, food is mostly healthy (if its clean), plenty of activities, and 1 day out of 3 you can't absorb nutrients (if you're me ;)). I'll certainly return home totally fit, if I make it that is :big grin:

    Wow, I was holding back before. It really felt good to get that all out in the open. The Asylum is great, sometimes.
     
  16. Nice job writing that all out. I fill my personal blog with all the things I no longer say here or to anyone else. It's public of course - but they're usually too long for anyone to read, and thus too much work for overly-critical people to give me a hard time! It's nice!
     
  17. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2000
    Messages:
    11,036
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    42.520686, -83.305014
    on one hand, the allure to do what you are doing is high, on another I'm glad that I've not yet reached the point where that has more allure.

    I've got too many people depending on me, my father in the dementia stages of parkinson's at 57 years old.

    two adorable sons that are the reason I continue to get up each day, and a devoted, and loving wife, that I don't deserve.

    doing a "walkabout" for the next couple of decades does indeed have some major pull though...
     
  18. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2004
    Messages:
    25,647
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    dca -> nyc -> sfo -> san -> phl
    how are you mentally? I mean, i read most of what you typed here but everytihng seems superficial - lack of friends, medical problems etc, so I can understand why this weights you down, but nonetheless, how's the mental state holding up?

    maybe the trip up north will be better for you physically and emotionally. people can handle only so much before they crack (there's a book out there called Breaking Points which talks about this at a socital/sociological level), so hopefully the relocation up north to a cooler climate and hopefully a more relxaing place will be better for you.

    if you were still in Goa i'd consider heading out there when I graduate college and start cashing in all my frequent flyer miles (230k at last count) but if you're not... then I may not.
     
  19. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    Mental state is okay, considering. The exercise and outdoor activities keep me pretty destressed. Moments of profound loneliness and solitude, moments of profound happiness. So, a mixed bag. All in all, I'd say I'm doing well, despite personal and professional setbacks. Honestly, it is overwhelmingly preferable to my life in the US.

    I'm going to disappear into the Himalayas. Then I'll be perfect.

    I don't know if I'll be in Goa, but if I am then your visit would be welcome. Its really something to experience.
     
  20. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    I am very happy in upper Dharamsala. I am registered to attend the teachings of the Dalai Lama all month, starting on the 24th.

    I also have Amoebic Dysentary. Okay, not Dysentary if it has to have blood... but mucus. I've definately got that. This is the 4th time I've been acutely ill. I was hospitalized for it. 1.5 liters of IV Saline, poo sample, flagyl for amoebas, and avomine for naseau.

    I woke up three times last night to go shoot brown liquid out my ass into a hole in the floor up two flights of stairs before showering off, each and every time... I am sick, I feel miserable... I am not alone. Have befriended a French/Canadian girl who is taking care of me. God bless her. WOO WOO.

    I can't wait to get better. This is a wonderful, happy place. Study buddhism, meditate with monks, walk up and down the mountainside, do a kick ass two-hour yoga course.

    Just please, no more amoebas.
     
  21. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    I love french canadian girls named Sylvie. They tend to be slender, perky, very attractive, bright, artistic and brunette. Sometimes they're called Sophie.

    Good to see you're getting some first rate care there. I'd have thought they wouldn't have heard of flagyl, but given the conditions, they probably actually have it brought in by the pallet-load.

    What kind of yoga are you doing? I'm getting twisting it to kundalini yoga these days. Sat nam brotha!
     
  22. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    I forget what kind it was. The Amoebas sabotaged it before I took the second class. I'll find out next time, though. I'm also about to start Diloxanide Furoate, an amoebocide.

    Raise your hand if you've shit your shorts in a Tibetan hospital?
     
  23. I think you'll probably be alone on this one man. :o
     
  24. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2002
    Messages:
    14,017
    Likes Received:
    0
    Standing proudly. Poopy pants.
     
  25. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    This is the kind of journey that makes men great in their old age. Actually, I quite envy you...
     

Share This Page