i am just really pissed off at myself. i feel really lonely and i feel like a big loser for being socially incompetent and scared. i have friends that care about me and are there for me but on a day to day basis i feel lonely. i dont talk to all my friends everyday and many times its because i dont call anyone or try to hang out with them. they always call me. for example 3 of my friends called and i talked to them for a few minutes but felt anxious cause i thought we would have nothing to talk about so i made an excuse and hung up. then i was pissed off all day cause i was at work and sat there by myself reading a book and i wished i was talking to someone. i do this all the time. I pushed away my ex girlfriend i avoid seeing her because i felt like the more she saw me the more she would think i was a loser. i can think of all the times i have lost friends because i just ignored them didnt pay attention to them lost that connection or never had a good connection because of the way i act. and they went out and met new people. i want to be in a relationship and i have had many many chances without even approaching girls. i mean they come to me but i seriously dont go out with any of them because of this fear that they will see that i am boring, shy, and closed off from everyone. i want to have good close friends that i hang out with and that i see on a semi daily basis but in many ways i do the exact opposite of that. i dont call them i sometimes say no to hanging out with them. rather than talking to new people i read a book or listen to music. and when i feel alone which is alot i become this person who cant do anything else. i cant do homework or think straight and it pisses me off. right now, this really awesome girl wants to go out with me. she came to my job just to talk to me for an hour she gave me her number i didnt even asl but i havent called her in the past few days cause i am scared i wont be able to hold a conversation. i cant do it with my close friends how am i going to do this. same thing with going on a date i just feel incompetent to have fun and have a good conversation and connect with a person. its a battle between wanting to be with a person but having that fair and anxiety that i will screw up everything. i hate talking to people one on one even my own friends. i dont know why. there is basically one person that i talk to about everything and comfortable with. i am comfortable with talking to strangers like at work no problem. but outside of work i feel uncomfortable. many times if i am with one of my friends i feel uncomfortable and dont enjoy myself. i dont i want to have a good social life be connected with people but to me its almost a burden and painful to actually get that so i avoid it. i avoid relationsip hanging out etc. and it pisses me off everyday. i feel overwhelmed and feel like i will just keep doing this to myself.