SRS I am completely lost

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by freelove, Sep 2, 2006.

  1. freelove

    freelove New Member

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    To say I am lost recently would be the understatement of the century.

    I slept with a married woman I knew to be married, and she was just wed in April.

    I haven't been able to get her off of my mind for the last seven years - when I fell in love with her in the first place. She reappeared in my life a month ago. She was only in town for a month, and I was willing to risk everything to get her to reconsider her marriage and our relationship. I don't regret anything I did, but knowing that it would turn out with her moving across the country with her husband I wouldn't do it again... and I know those two propositions seem mutually exclusive, but somehow they're not. I want to be dead and punished for what I've done, but I also want to be with her and happy.

    Now I go about my daily life, running a business working 70 hour weeks with absolutely no passion. I am content being at work, I don't care about anything else in my personal life. I no longer strive to leave work as soon as possible so I can be with friends/family/go to the gym/etc. I just do things in a mechanical methodical manner, and nothing gets me worked up like it did before. I feel like an emotionless robot, but if I am then why the fuck have I been crying for the last 20 minutes?

    There is no point to this post, I just want to tell someone how i feel and can't tell anyone I know about all of this... I don't want to scare family, and I can't tell my friends because they'll know who I've slept with and that could damage her marriage (as if I haven't done enough already).

    I don't know what to expect from posting this and what I'm told probably doesn't matter, i just want to fucking die.
     
  2. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    First of all, welcome to Offtopic. Now, lets get down to the nitty gritty..

    Heres a simple question: What happened that you two never got together 7 years ago, we're you two together but it didn't work out? You say thats how long you met her and her current husband and her have been married since April.. I'm going to assume that they didn't know other as long as you and said girl does so why go off and emotionally SCAR a marriage knowing full well what you've done knowing that she was married and now she has to live with this guilt while being married? Hopefully, she realizes the pain she will cause her husband and let him know the truth so that hopefully he has the realization that he doesn't need to be with that kind of person and she won't lead him on anymore.

    Now, I want to know why you would go with her and what happened why you two aren't married or together now? Make it add up so we understand the situation more.. you say you've loved her for 7 years so what gives.

    I'm glad you made the first step to seek help on here so I give you credit on that. Hopefully, we'll be able to help you through it and make you a stronger and more mature person the next time around.

    For now, its a real shame you had to do but life goes on.. atleast you admit that this is crushing you.. thats a little thing inside our heads called GUILT.

    Instead of wanting to 'kill yourself'.. why not try finding a solution to fixing this problem you have? How come she ended up marrying this guy and not you? Why did she give up having sex with you when she knows that shes married? Doesn't that help knowing that if you two got together its very well possible she will go off and cheat on you for the next catch that catches her eye? What makes YOU ANY DIFFERENT?
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    You are not being consistent...pick one. Either you regret your actions and want to be punished or you don't regret anything you did. You can be have both.

    Perhaps you should seek counseling. Therapists can be extremely helpful and you don't have to let anyone know that you are going to see one unless you choose to.

    Well killing yourself is an option but it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. IMO a much better alternative is to take responsibility for where your life is and realize that you created this mess and YOU CAN GET YOURSELF OUT OF IT WITHOUT DYING! However, you may need help in getting yourself out. Asking for help doesn't not mean you are weak or less of a human....it just means that often we find ourselves in situations that overwhelm our capacities to cope. When that happens, we all need help.

    There are usually suicide prevention hotlines where you can call anonymously and talk about where you are. They are free and they want to help. Look in your phone book (usually business section) or search the internet for a phone number.

    There is no reason to kill yourself. You can fix all these problems but it's likely to take time.
     
  4. freelove

    freelove New Member

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    I was a foolish idiot that had low self esteem and didn't want to accept rejection. For some reason I didn't think she could ever love me back or that I was deserving of her love. We were good friends for two years and then I left for college, figured I'd find a lot of girls there as good or better than her. It was easier to break off communication at that point than to keep talking to her; so the last time I talked to her was the night before I left for school. I was 900 miles away and never found anyone that even remotely compared to her. I was young and dumb and thought there must be other girls out there that I'll connect with like this. Sure I met a lot of nice girls, but no one that made me feel like she did, and not only did I never forget her... I thought of her often until the time I saw her again a month ago.

    Yes, actually I think its closer to 8 years now since I met her, she met her husband about 5 years ago when she moved away for college.

    As for why I would knowingly scar her marriage... I had no idea the damage I would do, I just pray she doesn't feel as bad as I do. But you also have to understand that I had waited and thought about a second chance with her for a very long time and I was willing to risk anything to let her know how I feel about her. I knew she didn't live here locally and was just visiting, so I moved as fast as I could... otherwise I would have given it all the time in the world.
    I just want her to do what is right for her. I am willing to accept whatever decisions she makes, my feelings for her won't change and I will always offer her my "freelove".
    I think I answered this in the first part of my response, but I don't think a month is long enough for her to make any decision regarding this, so we are going about our lives as previously planned. She'll be back to visit in about a month and a half.

    The whole "if she ends up with me" thing is one of the first things I thought of... before I ever even kissed her - because its what I've wanted for quite some time. It wasn't my original intention to sleep with her. Like I said, we go back a long ways, and she and I both had feelings for each other in high school and never did anything about it. The fact that she was willing to cheat on her husband with me only a few months after she married him speaks volumes about her feelings for me. Why would she be willing to possibly throw that away unless she was feeling the same way for me? Its rather hard to explain, but I don't feel like I'd be betrayed by her. I think our connection is/was stronger than hers and her husbands, and I can't imagine a stronger one existing.

    Also, I'm not contemplating suicide. I am not a selfish immoral person by nature. I am always very giving and put everyone I love in front of myself, I know what I did here contradicts that, but it is true about every other action of mine for as long as I can remember.
     
  5. freelove

    freelove New Member

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    I want to be punished because I know what I did was wrong, but I don't regret it because I've wanted to know how she truly felt about me for a very long time.

    Believe me, i've thought about it. I'm going to talk to a priest in the near future... but I work a LOT and things at work are very difficult right now - I can't afford the time with a therapist.
    I definitely won't be killing myself, and I realize i can fix all of these problems through time. I just don't want to begin... I'm going to have to let her go to fix them, and I'm not ready to do that.
     
  6. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    The husband is the only victim I see here.
     
  7. Los

    Los Active Member

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    Yeah. I'd agree with that statement.

    But I can kinda relate to his side of the problem... though I've never caused a married woman to behave in an act of infidelity.
     
  8. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    I want to take a different angle.
    What we have are three adults.
    I agree, the husband is the only victim.

    Unless you raped her - and I see no indication that rape occured - she consented to sleeping with you.
    That means that she shares the responsibility with you.
    I read your first post and skimmed the other posts. I haven't seen anything that says that you are married. While I won't forgive you of all your responsibility you are still a single person and it is not YOUR job to make sure that she stays faithful in her marriage.
    I mean, if your best friend has a fling and cheats - is that your fault?

    Well you do carry guilt. But you don't carry all the guilt. Not even half. Like a third. She could have said no and she has to live with having not said no.

    You have realized that what you did was wrong. Your instincts on not telling people that would tell her husband are good ones. Her marriage is still her responsibility. If the opportunity presents itself again tell her it was wrong and that you won't do it again.

    Lesson learned. Move the hell on.
     
  9. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    I agree that we can't control who we love, but disagree that we are slaves to it. We can always control our actions, we don't have to sleep with a married person regardless of how we feel about them. It is a choice.

    However, that's not to say that it is easy to go against what the heart wants, but you have to learn it sometime in life. Most of us have been there too, not being able to have the one we want, or having to stop ourselves because either or both are currently attached etc. All part of growing up I suppose :dunno:
     
  10. freelove

    freelove New Member

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    Well, I most definitely could have controlled my actions, but I was willing to take the risk, going on without knowing would have left me all fucked up inside too but at least she wouldn't be affected. And that, ultimately is what this is all about. I don't care about her husband, my fate, or much of anything. I don't want her to ever have to feel badly about this or anything for that matter. If I fucked her up inside I can't ever forgive myself. I want her to be so happy.

    What I came in her wanting and expecting was for you guys to tear me apart and rip me down and tell me how horrible of a person I am.

    What I got was caring and understanding and I am actually very touched, something I thought would never happen over the internet with people I've never met before, let alone on OT.

    It does make me feel a lot better about the whole situation, not that I'm willing to pass any blame to anyone else and I would do absolutely anything to remove any guilt/remorse she may be feeling, but you guys are helping me cope with it quite a bit. My long time best friend will be in town next week, I'm going to talk to him about it and likely break down... hopefully he just accepts me and doesn't think any less of me.

    I am not the type of person to ever show my emotions. I went to HS and lived with my best friend for 5 years in college and I don't think I ever told him I had a thing for this girl.

    I'll be sure to keep you all updated.

    Thanks again
     
  11. Mr. Mikey

    Mr. Mikey New Member

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    Get a life!

    I mean, get on with YOUR life. You've been fixated on this one person for so long, it's almost weird. She is a married woman now. You waited too long, so move on with your life. You were perfectly happy to let her sit for 2-3 YEARS until she found someone, then through 5 YEARS of a dating relationship till she got married.

    Then you make your move? No wonder you feel like shit. You've begun to realize that you acted like a slimey BASTARD!

    Go find your own way in the world and your own woman. Let her have a happy marriage.
     

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