SRS I am a cold person

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cerridwen, Mar 17, 2006.

  1. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    So 3 of my family members are sick right now. My mom, my grandfather and my uncle all underwent biopsies this week for cancer. I don't have a very good relationship with my family and I'm having a really hard time trying to care (to be completely honest). It is pretty much accepted that my grandfather has colon cancer (a very late stage of cancer that has been ignored for over a year) and has less than 6 months left to live. It has been suggested that I attempt to 'reconcile' (wrong word, but I can't think of the right one) and spend some time with him before he dies. I haven't been close to my grandfather since I was very little and I don't feel the need to do so. Why would I want to get close to someone who's going to die soon?
    So am I just a very cold person? Is this a normal or acceptable reaction to this news (I am simply very indifferent to it, it doesn't affect me very much at all). Should I make an attempt?
     
  2. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2004
    Messages:
    25,647
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    dca -> nyc -> sfo -> san -> phl
    I don't think it's too cold not to be close w/ him before he dies. You don't feel too connected to him since you hardly knew him. I don't blame you, it's hard to show compassion to people who you hardly know.
     
  3. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I know I REALLY dissapointed my mom when she just called me before. I could hear the hurt in her voice for my lack of empathy about the circumstances. While that made me feel sad, it didn't do anything more than that (if that makes sense).
     
  4. Ded Guy Walkin

    Ded Guy Walkin New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2006
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    0
    you're not alone. I basically decided to sever all ties to my grandparents; theyre completely out of touch with reality (its not Alzheimers). At first, I felt guilty about shutting them out so coldly, but as time went on, more and more family members came to me and told me that they had been belittled and insulted by my grandparents as well. Family is important, but theyre just people in the end.
     
  5. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Ded Guy, my mom and I have had a very tumultous relationship, especially in the past 6-8 years or so. The only reason I stay in contact with her is because she has court ordered visitation once a month with my daughter (grandparents visitation is BS in my opinion!). Lately I've been making more of an attempt to get to know her, as she says she is clean now and truly pulled her life around. I still can't get past a LOT of things she has done to myself and my family though.
    Life is so much happier when I don't even have to think about my extended family.
     
  6. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    Not caring is normal, I think... my extended family is very large. Some of them didn't treat me very well when my parents divorced, and I've since cut off contact with them. They are just people, and family gets no different treatment from me than anyone else if they're assholes, except possibly some more patience on my part.

    That said, if your grandfather is receptive to your friendship then you could have a rewarding, albeit short, relationship with him. There's an off chance that he'll think you're in it for the inheritance, though, so be aware of that if you choose to try. Is it your mom that instigated this? If so, are you sure she's got pure motivations?
     
  7. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I can NEVER be sure of my mother's motivations.
    As far as I know, my grandfather is VERY poor. There will not be any inheritance there. He will be buried by the tribe and probably leave quite a bit of bills behind if anything.
    From what she is saying he has cut off a lot of the family, but she seems to think that my contacting him would be beneficial for him as well as me. I guess we were very close when I was very young (like under 5) and he cared for me a lot (with my grandmother) when I was an infant.
     
  8. Jadix

    Jadix The Nice Guy

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2006
    Messages:
    7,877
    Likes Received:
    0
    Death is a strange thing to come to terms with. I had a friend who I grew up with die in a car accident about six months ago. It wasn't at all that huge dramatic thing you see on T.V. or anything. My dad called me that night and I felt really bad for his parents...but there was no overwhelming emotions or anything like that. Life pretty much just went on.
     
  9. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,618
    Likes Received:
    179
    Location:
    Dingoland
    My grandfather died around 6 years ago. After he died my grandmother started snmoking and drinking and has had several strokes and continues to smoke (even though she has been ordered to stop as it is smoking which contributes to the strokes).

    She is no longer the woman I knew and even then we never got on. A few years ago just fter she went downhill I told her how I felt. I told her that she was killing herself and I wouldn't sit back and watch.

    For the last few years I keep getting told by my mother to go visit her or ring her. My response is "Why?". To me she is dead. I don't hate her and I don't like her. I have no feelings towards her whatsoever and I am getting sick of being told I have to associate with this person.

    My mum keeps saying "Stop putting me in the middle, yo uare both as bad as each other". I have told her that I have never put her in the middle and she keeps trying to fix something that, in my view, doesn't need to be fixed.

    I know exactly how you feel and I feel like a cold hearted person some days. My mother said to me the other day "Wouldn't you want to see *Daughter*'s granddaughter ??" I said that I wouldn't want someone to come see me just for the hell of it and I wouldn't want them to do something against their will. My mum let out her "OMG you are awful" sigh and stormed off.

    As long as everything is finalised I don't see why you need to see someone.
     
  10. Easygo

    Easygo New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    173
    Likes Received:
    0
    Of my 4 grandparents, one died before I was born, and 2 died within 10 days of each other when I was 8, and the "last" when I was 12 and she was senile. What did I know then at my ages then? I barely remember them.

    I wish I could have known all of them better.

    I can understand that you don't know how to feel about this. I can tell you to do something with your grandfather. Spend one afternoon or evening with him and ask about his life. If you can, take him out to lunch or dinner, just the two of you.

    Take a camera and take some pictures. Take a digital camera that takes movies with sound and take a few minutes of him speaking with the sound of his voice. Get a couple pictures of the two of you together.

    You don't have to get "close" or see him much more.

    Chances are good that he would love to spend some time with you if *you* make it possible, but he's full of his own problems right now and not worrying much about it. He'll tell you his best stories. He can tell you things about your family that you probably will find very interesting. Ask him what he was doing when he was your age. Ask how and when he met your grandmother.

    He's your grandfather, he's in your genes, he's in you.

    I promise you that when you get older you will value having spent some time with him before he passed. You will value the pictures and the video just to hear his voice.

    Your children will value the pictures and the video.

    Your grandchildren will value the pictures and the video.

    This is real. He is your history. Spend some time with him for yourself.
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2006
  11. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I am just as guilty, we got belittled by my dads side of the family for as long as i remember. My grandma is currently going to die from cancer. She is 83 years old so well met, she can't say she died in the crib. I can tell you that as recently i could care less if she died and that coming from an asylum mod :uh:

    I've been struggling on 'what' should i think of it.

    The main problem is 'you grow up' with all of that crap,when we where young we disliked visiting my grandma, you can't choose your family so we got stuck right in the middle of all the 'drama' if i may call it so, my dad was so so happy to escape from it all, and i already told him that i most likely would not attain to my grandma's funeral.

    Its worse even, i experienced feelings of happyness that she would die, in terms of 'good riddance' and to my personal feelings she lived far too long, i reasoned that heaven must not want her back. Because the negativity and darkness that she has exposed my dad to was reflected back on me, dad never was happy, always cursing,negative about everything, and not a good word for anything.

    That has brought much unhappyness in my life, and i blamed my dads family for it.

    But i think everyone who reads the above 'feels' that it isn't right. Thing is when your exposed to negativity yourself from childhood to adult, its nearly impossible to bring 'postivity' into that persons life that brought you negativity.

    You need to be a better person ,to be love, and help that person back into the group and pushing them towards a positive direction. That's how its supposed to be, but you have to be 'very' strong for that. For me such words are only my own condemnation because i know i won't attain the funeral, and i know that i won't bring her into a positive light, by doing positive things to her.

    The scars are just too deep, you cant just expect a family member to completely turn around another family member for the good, it would need something more then a miracle to fix it. Expert intervention, and for many of us such just isn't available by any means.

    03 white zx3 you would be a braver person then me if you decided to comfort and give him the last peacefull goodbye. :hs:, i can handle a lot but that black hole no.
     
  12. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    DarkEternal, that is exactly how I feel about my mother. I have learned to keep my true feelings about her to myself, because it disgusted my friends. I can honestly say that life would be so much easier and happier if she were no longer on this earth.
    My grandfather I don't feel quite so much contempt for though. I truly feel indifferent, although being around him creeps me out (for lack of a better term). I think he has lost touch with reality and sees me as this tiny child who had a much better relationship with him. He acts as if we talk daily. I am very uncomfortable around him. Chances are I probably will attend his funeral though, probably just from feeling pressured to. The more that I think of it I almost think that I SHOULD go up there and possibly spend a little time with him, but again that is more of a feeling of obligation than truly wanting to do so.
    He is not very old, maybe 65 tops. He has made a ton of poor decisions in his life and him dying so 'young' truly is his fault. He has dealt with lung cancer before. He had half of his lung removed and the next day he was begging people to sneak him in cigarettes. He doesn't learn from his mistakes with his health and that more than irritates me. It may be horrible to say, but IMO he 'deserves' to die for not taking better care of himself. He has free tribal healthcare so lack of money (which is reality for him) isn't an excuse for lack of healthcare.
    It isn't even really that he has brought a tremendous amount of negativity upon my life, because he hasn't. He simply hasn't been apart of it in a long time.
    I really truly struggle with what I SHOULD feel like about my family. On some days it is very hard not having a whole lot of contact with them and I wish that I had ONE family member who cared enough about me to take a couple of minutes out of their month or even their year to call and say hi. Just knowing them and how they are though, it's impossible for me to reach out to them. I've made attempts and they've always ended poorly.
    Just to continue on this little rant of mine here, my uncle (the one who also possibly has cancer) only cares about himself. He PRETENDS to care about you but it simply isn't the case. My husband left me 51 weeks into our marriage about a month/2 months before Easter. I invited our entire extended family over to cook Easter dinner for, knowing that I would seriously need some support (even though I'm not religious, just because it's a 'family' holiday) on that day. My aunts and uncles, grandparents, my mom and my sisters all showed up. The first thing out of my uncle's mouth was where is your computer, I have an auction ending in an hour and I need to place a bid. Well sorry, I didn't have a computer at the time. You know what they did? They all ate as fast as they could and left to go to my mom's house because there was a computer there. It was on that day that I truly knew how my family felt and where their priorities were.
    I guess I'll stop blabbering now, thanks for reading that if you did.:hs:
     
  13. Dodger Blue

    Dodger Blue OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2004
    Messages:
    14,353
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brooklyn
    I dont think you're a cold person. I've noticed from my extended family that has I get older and they get older we lose contact. I went and visited some family last xmas and it just seems so much different than when I was a kid. All my cousins are in there 30's now and I'm still only 23. It used to be where they were in there teens and I was 10 or 11 and we'd play games or something. Now they have there own family. I remember I saw my cousin last xmas and years ago we used to talk or play games. I dont think I said more than 1 sentence to her when I last saw her. I remember writing in my journal that I realized that while it was nice to see everybody who I hadn't seen in a few years I realized that it really wasn't much of a point in seeing a lot of them anymore.

    Sometimes I ask myself, would I go to a certain persons funeral? I Know thats a stupid thing to think about but the only reason I ask myself this (knock on wood) is because I guess I ask myself if i'm cold hearted. I haven't dealth with much death in my family. The only person really has been an uncle who I wasn't very close to. So I might feel different if somebody else passed away. But I still ask myself that question. It may sound bad but for a lot of cousins and aunts and uncles by marriage. The only reason I'd go to there funeral is because I wouldn't be able to look there parents or husband/wife in the eye the next time I saw them. Its like I have some uncles and aunts by marriage that I really dont talk to at all. I'll see them during family renunions but if they died I wouldn't cry. I'm rambling now so I'll stop but dont feel cold.
     
  14. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2002
    Messages:
    18,783
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lansing, MI USA
    Honestly? Given your family situation, I don't think you're cold at all. A little cool to the touch, maybe, but that's not always a bad thing either.

    I've gone through the loss of MANY family members from cancer over the years. At the age of 20, I have lost both of my grandmothers, an aunt, one grandfather, various slightly more removed relatives, all to cancer. I also went through the loss of my father to a heart attack, totally unexpected. I can honestly say that through all of those losses, I only expressed/had true emotion at the loss of my father.

    Simply put, I guess my view of cancer is that it allows you to prepare your mind for the idea that the person will be gone, and you can store up the strength it takes to be a stone-faced individual during the aftermath. I've kind of become the type of person who can operate totally without emotion when dealing with death; I've come to terms with the fact that nobody is here forever, and death is merely a technicality. Now, this hardly means that I'm not close to, care about, or have feelings for and about people, but it just says that even after a person I care about is gone, it's a forgone conclusion what that person would want me to do in their absence -- move on and live my life. So, instead of dwelling on it or feeling any other obligation to the situation, I do exactly that. Live my life.

    I don't know if any of that even helps your situation, but take it for what you will.
     
  15. The Militant

    The Militant THE FUTURE

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2004
    Messages:
    8,722
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ive never met much of my family... i knew them when i was young but since then i havent even seen them

    my mom tells me a relative has died and i say "ok" i understand it is rough on her but i tell her i have no way to react

    i usually get told i have no heart and that i am a bad person.

    i can't help it, its like telling me someone half way across the world i DO NOT know and expect me to cry. i kind of understand what you may be going through and im the same way.
     
  16. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    The feeling of attending such a kind of family is like going to a funeral already :hsd:

    The darkness that they emit over us , chases us away towards a different place in terms of 'anywhere ,but with (fill in x_family member here)'

    And that's just the thing. You only have 'void' 'hatred' 'selfishnes' in those kinds of family situations. If you don't know your role and meaning in life , and what you are supposed to do? What can you do else but run?

    Often that's the only thing we have in life ,nothing but the dark soil of 'void' 'hatred' 'selfishnes'

    What to do? Its an investment.

    We have to plant a seed of love into that dark soil, we have to water it , nurish it, give it time, and light , so that eventually a flower of love will have grown from it.

    That dark soil represents family or people that we resent. But then again i am a disgrace, i keep on running away from that dark puddle or black hole. We can't keep running away from reality or stay in denial forever. At one moment we have to turn, grab our swords and 'crush' that darkness constantly by putting something positive above it. That positive flower of love.
     
  17. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2004
    Messages:
    4,589
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Where Blood Bleeds Orange
    Wow this thread if anything makes me want to have a stronger bond with my grandparents and some extended family. I am very lucky i still have both sets of grandparents alive. Maybe becuase I havent lived long enough I am 20. I now notice the little things that my grandparents forget, its just mind games that happen as they get older. For much of my life I have lived over 13 hours away from one or the other set of grandparents but we all tried to get together at least once a year.

    I couldnt imagine growing up hating my family, sure I had those moments when I really thought I did. I look back at it and say damn that was stupid. My parents cleaned up before I was old enough to remember them ever being drunk and high. My family has always been so supportive of each other. 03 white zx3 good luck with foreging your relationship with your mother I wish you the best of luck
     
  18. CallSecurityNow

    CallSecurityNow OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2002
    Messages:
    4,688
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South Florida
    I cut off all contact with my mom about 2 years ago. She was/still is a heavy coke user and I just couldn't deal with all the shit( I would explain, but I don't want to hijack your thread). If someone called me and said she OD'ed I honestly wouldn't care. Its hard for me to feel sorrow for someone who has caused so much pain.
     
  19. MapleLeaf

    MapleLeaf New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2004
    Messages:
    1,466
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Hollywood, CA 90069
    Let me chime in here as well. There is nothing wrong with being cold, or shutting down emotions towards people, or at times in your life - we all do it. I work in Ministry and sometimes this is the healthiest thing people can do for themselves.

    Family and family relationships are societal concepts. Friendships are human concepts - they are not the same thing. Like many others I have family members I no longer talk to, nor care to talk too. Just this past week I received communication from my mother letting me know that pretty much the next time she will see me will be at her funeral. It is life.

    Look inside yourself and make sure you have no regrets towards your grandfather and the relationship before he dies. If you can say that we are family in name only and there is nothing there, so be it - that is what it is. Have no regrets and move on.

    If/When the rest of your family tries to put pressure on you to forge bonds that don't exist, remind them of the societal construct of family and let them know that while you might not grieve him, or have the urge to connect with him, that does not mean you want them gone from your life.

    If this doesn't make sense, PM me and I can chat with you more.

    Blessings.
     
  20. marauder

    marauder New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2005
    Messages:
    2,144
    Likes Received:
    0
    My grandfather died a few years ago.
    We always got on together but didn’t do anything that made us close.
    His death from cancer was slow well the event that led to him being in hospital was only weeks he had another stroke seemed he was recovering then he started going downhill once in hospital it was found out he had cancer.
    Because of the stroke and his health they couldn’t operate to try and remove it he wouldn’t have survived the surgery.
    It took some time for him to pass away it wasn’t a kind way to go to say the least.
    The sad thing is I would of liked be closer but we just never did anything that allowed it to happen.
    The strange thing is before his health failed enough that we knew he wasn’t going to be ok this while he was still at home I had a conversation that seemed different to me I felt closer to him him when we were talking. It was strange.



    Then there’s my nanna it is just as sad how she went she didn’t linger on like my grandfather in here final stay at hospital but the sad thing is she had been very ill for at least 12yrs she was mostly be ridden with very poor health.

    This thread has made me sad :wtc: Hmm how odd but like always when I am sad it was very brief now I look over what I have typed it has long passed.
    Maybe it has something to do with what seems to me a inability to truly retain information I feel like just about all my years visiting my grandfather are like a distant memory one that you can barely recall.


    I don’t know I can’t tell you what to do but maybe you could try to resume a relationship maybe go see your grandfather just see how it goes don’t expect anything but who know's he might really like seeing you again and you might also.
    I know I would of liked to be closer to my grandfather but it never happed :(



    I know this sounds awful and I don’t know if it makes me a very cold person non-feeling or not but I haven’t really felt anything much when family members I know have died even if I have seen them a lot over the years and helped them.
    The saddest thing for me is I am very close to my father and mother but I think I will feel the same way when they pass away.
    :( :wtc::wtc::wtc:

    Well that was longer then I ever meant to post :(
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2006
  21. marauder

    marauder New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2005
    Messages:
    2,144
    Likes Received:
    0
    Seems I do it most of the time :( With only very brief passing of feelings.
     

Share This Page