SRS I’d be killing myself right now if I hadn’t already tried and failed to do so

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Bioanger, Mar 21, 2005.

  1. Bioanger

    Bioanger Self-Proclaimed moron

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    Right at this moment I have locked myself into my bedroom and started writing because I have a bad feeling about what will happen if I allow my mind to wander. I don’t know what I am writing or to whom but I intend to put out there somewhere so I don’t feel so alone. If anyone is reading this I should explain that any semantic abnormalities in what follows are due to the adrenaline high I am experiencing as a result of traumatic day with Asperger’s/autism and Bipolar issues.

    Today I had an experience that scared the living shit out of me; I found the fragile grip I hold on to life slip away in an instant. From circumstances I can’t get my self to recall at this instant I became so frustrated earlier today that my emotions precipitated into a suicidal state. However the motives felt very different from what I had experienced in the past, [attempted in preteen years] this time it wasn’t a feeling of wanting to die as a way out, but rather wanting to die as a way of sparing the world the harm I will inflict upon it. This is a new low; it indicates that I have become so depressed as to see myself as not only a societal failure but a potentially dangerous human being. How I can see myself this way is a mystery to me; if indeed I were dangerous to others would I be aware of this fact? Could I consciously act against my will to be benevolent? Logic doesn’t seem to be joining my thoughts at the moment…only pain.

    I feel this pain without really understanding it or where it comes from. I feel more and more distant from life somehow; regardless of where I am I feel alone, even in the presence of others. I went to local group of people with similar neurological problems yesterday and felt very alone there, unable to relate to those who are clinically similar to myself. No matter what I do to mitigate this feeling of loneliness and pain, it grows. No one that I talk to, not even my psychotherapist seems to have any understanding of what I feel; I can’t even get empathy to help me get by. Every conversation, every interaction, be it verbal, written, or otherwise, feels like a battle in which my goal is to achieve a basic level of connection that is forever out of reach. Yes part of this is autism but some other factor is coming into play here and its presence is derailing my entire thought process. I am curiously reluctant to try and identify this factor; somehow I feel it would be presumptuous to associate this pain with the various sources of pain I encounter on a regular basis. Perhaps I can use the words pain and fear interchangeably here; I think in my experience the two are always difficult to separate.

    Somehow then this fear/pain has become something I have perceived as dangerous, perhaps because it has led to anger, and anger is seldom benevolent. I guess I’m experiencing the pinnacle of anti-sociality at the moment, a frustration from not satisfying my most basic social needs. But which needs are those? I don’t know, and certainly even if I did there is no way I could satisfy them. I don’t have the pleasure of being able to tell the different between the various categories of deprivation; for all I know I could be experiencing everything from a lack of conversation to a lack of sex. All are lacking to be sure, but I can’t discern where the main problem lies so I can’t even cut it into a manageable piece to do something about it. What’s more I have so much fear right now that I wouldn’t be able to cohesively talk to anybody even if they came knocking on my door.

    So I have effectively quarantined myself to my bedroom in the hope that time alone can solve this problem even though I know that to be a foolish thought. I don’t know what anyone can say to this or would want to say to it, but I really don’t want to be ignored at the moment.
     
  2. Z PYRATE

    Z PYRATE Guest

    Think about yourself in 30 years...do you really expect this state to be permanent? You only get one chance at life, why cut it short? You will die one day...why not wait as long as you can? What have you got to lose by living longer, your fate remains unchanged. Be happy you are alive, appreciate the fact you are here, enjoy the little things in life. No matter what you think the problem is, its just a part of life...life goes on until you call it quits, so just make sure you go down fighting. Good luck
     
  3. BA: You can't kill yourself. You're brilliant, interesting, and man - it just wouldn't be good to lose someone like you in this world. You may be suffering, and I believe there is better care available for you.

    Hang on B: Also, don't be afraid to call your counselor during this crisis. That's a big step in the right direction. Trusting another - even if they don't have the anwers - but still talking about this, and trying to gradually allow the mood to move through.
     
  4. Bioanger

    Bioanger Self-Proclaimed moron

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    Yes, I do hold on to the illogical belief that this state is bound to be permanent. I know a couple of people some 30 years older than myself who are still stuck the same place I am. Granted, I can't apply their lives to mine and draw a conclusion about myself without committing a faux pas, but damn, it sure does make my efforts to change feel worthless.

    Thanks for the compliment. Curiously though, the very thing that makes me interesting also disqualifies me from all of the relevant assistance programs I know of; I have come to dread the phrase “your IQ is too high”. That means the only kind of care I can get is the kind I build for myself, which requires a level of social proficiency that is beyond my means. I can try, and I do, but it is foolish for me to put any faith in my pathetic efforts.

    Having said these things, I do not see myself as completely hopeless -I would already be dead if I did- but where does that leave me? I wish I did get more care from other people; even though a boatload of people will stand up and tell me I not to kill myself, not a soul is to be seen when I am in need. Somehow I have come to believe that I deserve this, but I don’t know why.
     
  5. Z PYRATE

    Z PYRATE Guest

    find people on your intelligence level...its hard for me at my school, but you're probably far more intelligent than I, so this will be harder. try talking to older people....I cant stand the kids my age honestly.
    And, I like smart people....they always make me learn new stuff...so find some open minded folk to hang out with to balance you out.
     
  6. J-Tizzle

    J-Tizzle Guest

    You are a genious...just by the way you write I can tell you are a very smart person. don't follow through with this.
     
  7. I'm there for you BA. I like you very much - you've been very helpful to me in my times of need, and so I will be supportive of you in yours. The first recommendation I can make to you is to keep talking about what's going on. If you trust anyone here on Asylum, or have a counselor - or someone else in your personal life, then reach out and talk about this. I realize there may be deeper things going on, but the fact that you vocalized this initial issue is an indication that you're using whatever outlets you feel you do have, and so this is one of them.

    You may also call me if you wish by phone. While I am relatively blind in much of my own circumstances, I will listen to you. Sometimes having someone just "care" and be trustworthy can make a big impact, and I'm willing to offer you that since I feel I can trust you.

    You don't deserve what's happened to you - just like I didn't deserve what happened to me. You're just deeply upset and in pain right now so it's easier to blame yourself and hold yourself accountable even if you're not.

    I do believe you don't know how to get out of this, and even if you did - you wouldn't be able to do it alone, and so let's talk and work together. Asylum needs you, - but we need you because we care about you.
     
  8. jeyur

    jeyur cum fairy OT Supporter

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    i am not as wise as you and MB are but i will give what advice i can. I am currently in an extreme state of depression. at least that is how i feel now. i have thought of doing the same as you but i cant. only thing keeping me going now are my family and friends. from the way you talk i can tell you are an intelligent person. why not use your intelligence to do something for yourself? i dont know exactly what you can do but i am sure there is something. dont give up because i am trying hard not to give up and as weird as it may sound, you are kinda inspiring me to stay alive.
     
  9. Bioanger

    Bioanger Self-Proclaimed moron

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    Good advice. Since several of the replies have mentioned intelligence, I’ll take that topic as a place to start.

    For all of my life I have been living with an imbalance of cognitive function between the various parts of my brain. Depending on how my cognitive abilities are measured, I can come close to fitting the qualifications for both retardation and genius at the same time. The IQ numbers we all hear about are averages of several tests given to measure different brain functions, and for the most part the separation between the highest and lowest scores on each sub-test are no more than 5 or 10 points. In my case, a difference four times greater than that exists between my area of greatest strength and that of my greatest weakness. In other words, when given an IQ test, most people produce similar scores in each subset of the test, but I do not. Even though IQ tests are not perfect indicators, the implications of the result of my tests are quite profound no matter how you look at them.

    My whole life is shaped by the fact that roughly half of my cognitive abilities are overdeveloped while the other half are underdeveloped, as compared to a typical person of my age. As a broad generalization, I can say that most of strength areas can be categorized as concrete and intellectual, while my weak areas are more abstract and emotional. However, the two are closely interrelated; most practical tasks in the world require both in order to properly accomplish. Take speech for example; when you talk to a person you must perform the intellectual task of putting a string of words together, and then perform the more emotional task of finding the socially appropriate time and method to say them. I can do the former easily, but I struggle to no end with the latter.

    This phenomenon is what led me to be diagnosed as having either “High-Functioning Autism” or “Aspergers Syndrome”. I am not a textbook example of either disorder, but no better-fitting diagnosis exists in modern neurology.

    Perhaps a metaphor will better explain the conflict I feel:

    Imagine a young pair of Siamese twins, two people connected to the same body at birth. Suppose one of these twins is extremely greedy and he does everything he can to exploit the resources of the other; he takes his food whenever he can, prevents the him from getting attention, and tricks him into submission. Over time this cunning twin comes to dominate the other, to the point where the lesser twin shrivels up and nearly dies, kept alive only by the fluid that passes through the connection of the two twins. The stronger twin ignores the fate of the other, only to discover that the decaying body of the dying twin is slowly killing him too. He realizes that he must nurse his companion back to life if he is to survive, but so much damage has already been done that the dying twin will never be able to fully recover. This is much the same story as has played out between the two parts of my brain except that the initial cause was not greed but genes.

    Let me know if this making sense or not, I have plenty more to say.
     
  10. Continue, understood.
     
  11. Bioanger

    Bioanger Self-Proclaimed moron

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    The crux of my current issue has to do with the different and competing potential of my psychological abilities. In brief terms, my depression, angst, and my suicidal thoughts stem from the fact that I do not seem to fit into society, or even life for that matter. I seem to be in need of a niche that does not exist.

    Let my explain some of the background here:

    For the past few months I have been living in my parent’s house after having tried and failed to survive at college. Three years ago I was accepted to Cal Berkeley immediately out of high school, and when this happened I had hope that I would meet people more like myself and find myself in an environment where social issues would take a backseat to the intellectual ones. Unfortunately, upon starting classes I discovered that the opposite was the case; I was surrounded by people whose socio-emotional abilities dwarfed mine, and those who cared about anything intellectual were relatively few and far between.

    Moreover the campus environment was set up assuming that all successful students will be socially successful by default; it is expected that all students are able to self-advocate, work together, and socialize. I could do none of these things. I quickly sank like a rock in this environment even though I nominally had the support of the student disability program behind me. Unfortunately for me though, out of the thousands of students who had gone through this program before, not a single one had my condition or even a similar condition. I was given options like getting someone to take notes for me or translate things into sign language, which were utterly useless for me. So that meant I had to advocate for myself at the disability program in order to get help advocating for myself. It was a set up for disaster.

    I put up with this for two years, getting widely mixed grades, until I withdrew in frustration last year. I quit before I fell apart completely, so that I could leave on good terms and perhaps reenroll one day. Not to be disenfranchised by that experience, I resolved to find a way to solve my problems and bring myself back into the world, but the more I researched my issues, the more I realized there was no way I could expect to do this by myself.

    Even intense therapy can’t give me the power to do this; so in desperation I began exploring what my options were if Berkeley was to remain impossible. I looked around at other colleges out there hoping to find one that would be more understanding of my situation, but everywhere I looked I found myself telling people about a problem they had never heard of before. So what else could I do? I took a look at the various career options available to me without a degree only discover that I could not avoid the same problems by taking that route. Of the low qualification jobs that can actually lead somewhere, virtually all of them require a higher level of social proficiency than I can even pretend to have. Many of them lead to positions where social skills are less important, but there is no way I bypass the first step.

    One guy I know who is a few years older than me is in a similar situation; he is at least as smart as me, but he wasn’t even able to graduate high school. He takes a takes a new job every two months only to be fired for his poor communicate skills. He has been let go from countless minimum wage positions that require skill in social areas that neither he nor I have. With this is mind, I really haven’t had a lot of hope of ever become self-sufficient. It would seem that my options are either to be awkwardly underemployed or unemployed.

    I don’t want either of these of things, but I can’t give up on myself. I have spent the last few months teaching myself to use oil paints. Even though I don’t have any background in this field I have all the natural skills so I am learning and developing my style quite rapidly. Unfortunately though, even here I stand little chance of ever being successful; as every freelance artist knows, money comes from marketing art well, not creating it well. The same goes for writing, which I also do occasionally, so I think all of this leaves me with a lose-lose situation. I can’t find my niche, or at least, I can’t find my niche by myself.

    I feel like a cancer on society, incapable of ever being productive or self-sufficient. And I haven’t even begun to cover my desires and the gaping holes in my personal life. As I have mentioned my social skills are poor and insignificant, but that does not mean that my social needs and desires are the same way. Quite the opposite I have been told that I crave intimate interaction and sex more than most people ever do. I can’t vouch for the accuracy of that statement, but nevertheless it is safe to say that I am a long way away from where I need to be to have contentment. I have often wondered what would happen if I were to be able to have a relationship with the opposite sex; certainly it would change a few things, and perhaps it could give me a boost of confidence to cross a few hurdles that are otherwise not crossable. Or perhaps that is just wishful thinking? I don’t really know, frankly. I’ve never stopped making efforts to find a woman out there somewhere, but in this realm a lack of social skill is simply a death sentence.

    So anyway, I come here to OT out of a desire to hear what other people my age have to say. Most of my life has been spent associating either with people much older than myself or much younger; I have had little peer exposure. I don’t really expect anyone to have any solutions here; indeed I don’t really expect solutions anywhere, but at the very least I want to share my story. I have an unusual situation, but I am not the only one in it. Any thoughts?
     
  12. SpaMan

    SpaMan Mind over matter.

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    This interests me a little. So do you studder, or just completely go blank? How exactly does this cognitive process fail? If you can explain that is.

    Sorry for your situation, sounds like quite possibly the most frustrating thing to ever have to go through.
     
  13. My name is Michael by the way. What is your name BA? I do understand your situation quite well. I too have the same problem, although I've managed to somehow compensate in developing my communication skills and social skills. I think the first thing you should consider, although you don't have a lot of answers - is to allow someone to talk and listen to you. I think it's clear that you're depressed because you feel very alone, and isolated given your needs aren't being met.

    I think that when you suffer from something which is relatively unknown [Chronic Lyme?] - or your situation - it is very hard to be understood and to explain yourself to people.

    I'm not going to give you advice or insight immediately beyond what I've said here. I think it's important that you first understand that you're not alone. It sure may feel that way - but I assure you there are a lot of people dealing with very similar problems. Second: There is hope, and while you may not have an answer right now, we can talk about it, and improving your attitude and ability to cope can also make a good impact. All of this takes time, and it takes letting go of the control to some degree. It requires trusting that there are others who are as capable, and as intelligent as you are to listen and support you.

    Right now you might not know of anyone who can do that, but - I assure you if you hang in there, keep talking, and don't quit, that some possible solution will arrive.
     
  14. Bioanger

    Bioanger Self-Proclaimed moron

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    Sometimes I stutter, but usually I don’t; it really depends on how much emotional processing I have to do in a given situation. For example, if a person asks me a series of very specific questions, I can answer them without any difficulty because all I have to do is reach into my memory an pull out a piece of information. Similarly, I can argue with someone without difficulty because arguments are guided by logic not emotions.
    Problems however, do occur whenever understanding another person’s emotions are part of an interaction. I am nearly blind to other people’s emotions and I have only a limited understanding of what emotions my words are using. The cognitive process here doesn’t fail, per se; rather it just takes an inordinately large amount of time to complete itself. This means that in order to keep up with an emotional interaction as it happens, I must make wild guesses about how people are feeling, effectively shooting at the darkness until someone says “ouch”. The drawback to this method is obvious.

    It is refreshing to hear that people care as much as you two do.

    I treasure the few open-minded people I have found; life would a great deal easier if there were more of them around. Sadly, I have a poor track record at determining who is open-minded and who is not; I often find out the hard way.
     
  15. diaper eater

    diaper eater OT Supporter

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    damn BA, you are one brilliant person. I havnt found anything as interesting as your story to read on ot for ages. anyway, i work with a guy that has autism. he sounds alot like you, able to fire off discrete answers, yet strugges with emotional questions. I havnt interacted with him enough to see if he carrys the brilliance that you do, however. so anywho, amazing story man, as far as advice id say youve gone too far already to give up, youve fought a near impossible battle, and the fact that youre still fighting says something.

    a farfetched idea, but i think a good chance of reaching a high level of self-sufficiency would be to look for a job thru the internet, doing a blog site, telling your story, or just doing a general business job from your house thru your computer. your drawbacks you mentioned are completely nonexistant when you interact through the web.
     
  16. peterRR

    peterRR New Member

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  17. Bioanger

    Bioanger Self-Proclaimed moron

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    My name is Colin.

    Pardon my ignorance, but do you (or anyone else) think that there would be an audience for my story in full? I have contemplated using my life experience to write semi-biographical fiction, but I have stopped short of actually doing so because I didn’t think anyone would care. You see, I don’t have a lot of experience of bringing attention to myself, so I am quite uncertain as to what sort of reception I would get, if any. I would like to think that the life ahead of me will involve something more creative than telecommuting a data entry job… I guess only time will tell. Perhaps I should keep my feet in the ground though; I need a place to start.

    I don’t think that is the right fit for me; I am a fan of diversity, not exclusivity. Even if my IQ met the qualifications, my ego wouldn’t!
     
  18. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I like this thread. I have nothing to offer at the moment, but its one of the most interesting threads in the Asylum in a while.
     

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