huge problems very compicated and only 6 months in

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by bobbarker70, Jan 13, 2006.

  1. bobbarker70

    bobbarker70 New Member

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    this is a long one so im warning you now.

    ok i met this girl over the summer. i really liked her alot but the problem was it got off to a very tricky start. she was already dating someone else when we got involved. she cheated on him with me and one other, but we grew pretty attached before she broke up with her bf about 2 weeks after we first kissed. another big problem huge age gap. shes 16. im 20. we have alotta mutual friends and i look/act younger than i am and she looks way older than she really is so it kinda worked for me even tho tis prabably wrong.

    ive grown really attached to her and shes grown really attached to me too, but we have huge problems. trust is one of them obviously. like that ex came back from college and would visit her old school and last week he came back and wanted to go to the mall w her for the day. i threw a fit. and i tend to get very jealous which i hate because im not a jealous bf at all atleast in the past. we fight about shit like this all the time. her best friend is also a guy who has a huge crush on her and is very open about it, in addition to having a fling with her about a year ago. we fight about that alot with alot of other dumb things.

    also, when the school year started again and i went back to college and her back to hs. her mom was really cool about me sleeping over which was cool, but turned into a mixed blessing. well now since i goto college liek 20 min away il sleep over alot and then goto college in the morning almost on a daily basis. i feel really trapped and i feel like me being here soo much is very wierd considering we DO have sex which i know is already kinda wrong and her age and everything, but her mom is totallly fine about it which is wierd. the problem is when i leave she gets really wierd and likes me sleeping over.

    so along with the fighting, trust issues, bickering, and feelin trapped, she told me she wants to not have sex for awhile bc she doesnt just want us dating just on great sex and nothing else. i understand that but like the last time we had sex she cried and said that we cant just have it on that, which is crazy cause weve always had a great love life. like, amazing sex. i feel like its total 16 yr old bullshit cause its obviously not gonna fix anything but i dont wana be incensitive and get mad. im so confused.

    im so confused cause ive never dated a girl younger than me and have always had pretty normal relationships with woman. but this one is soo wierd and confusing and yet im so dependent on her. should i dump her? where can i even begin to fix this?
     
  2. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    Mate, move on... You obviously can't trust her (the jealousy is a SURE sign)....

    A huge aspect of love is trust, she would be feeling a bit smothered right now.

    I'm not even going to go into how you would feel once she went to her formal with another guy if you couldn't go.

    As long as she is with you she will never truly be able to become herself, she is too young and has too much more to do in her life...
     
  3. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    The first paragraph basically says it all for me. No trust would be possible from that start and there's no way I could get involved with someone like that. Cheating bad...
     
  4. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    Hold on dude. Time for a little bit of constructive critisizm.

    First off and most importantly, you need to realize that women go through a cluster of emotions. She might feel like makin with the love one day, the next day feel it is wrong and want a break. You need to respect that.
    She is very young and very confused. If she needs some time away from sex to figure out what the fuck she wants, then let her. Respect it, honor it, and be thankful you got to have it in the first place with her since she is only16.

    Two, so she can't be trusted by you. I wonder why.
    Maybe because she is still a kid and is still immature.
    Maybe she is not real sure on how an adult relationship is supposed to be like since she is infact not an adult yet.
    ONCE AGAIN, SHE IS 16 AND CONFUSED.

    How about this. How about instead of saying that you act younger than you should and she acts older for her age and expecting her to act older than she is, be the adult and mature one in this situation. If you want to do the things that grown ups do in a relationship, then act like a grown man outside of the bed too.
    If she wants to act like a kid and hang out with other people, let her.
    She is still not an adult yet. Stop being so jealous. If you can not trust her, then find someone you can trust instead of trying to make her the way you want her to be, just because you are getting it.

    You two do not have a relationship at all.

    My suggestion. Find someone else that you can trust and let the high school girl act like a high school girl.
     
  5. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Here's my take on it.

    First, you made the fatal mistake of picking the wrong woman. When you pick a woman, you should always do your best to pick a woman who is honest, loyal, and giving (among other quality traits.) However, in your case, you picked a woman who is a liar and a cheater. The problem with this is that you have obviously rewarded her dishonest behavior, and in fact have encouraged it by proxy. Now that she is doing what she did before, that is hanging out with other guys and will cheat on you, your surprise is unwarranted. You have to remember, you are dating her BECAUSE she is a cheater, and you esentially told her that you accepted that and enjoyed her cheating, so why should she change and NOT cheat on you? The underlying problem is that by hooking up with the cheater, you told her "I have low self-esteem and low standards for women, and as such I will take anything I can get so I can get laid. You can treat me like dirt because I won't require you to be a good woman." So, now you wonder why you are having problems? One of the most important things to remember is that you have to pick a quality woman ... because if you don't, and you fall for her anyway, now you are going to get your feelings trampled. :(

    Let's look at this a little closer, based off what you have told us here:

    Okay, so we dicussed why you don't want to date a cheater - because she will cheat on you, too, and you've already encouraged it.

    The only issue here is that (1) in some states it may be illegal. Piss her off, or her mom, and the police may be knocking at your door. You are legally considered a man, and you need to realize that the state courts will treat you as such, and will not go easy on you. If for any reason things don't work in your favor, an over-zealous court may label you as a sexual offender and then you're screwed for life. Just be careful. (2) Age gap is not an issue for most folks (3) Your age gap relationship tells me that your skills at dating and picking women are a little rough. You need to work on dating women who are closer to your age. By picking a child, essentially, it appears to *me* that you are literally "picking an easy target" because that is all you feel you can get. Sure, older women are more difficult to pick up, but still, you do need to raise your standards some. This means you have to learn how to date older women, such as through reading dating advice sites or books, or asking guy friends who know how to pick up women and following their advice. Just like learning to ride a bike, it will take practice and you will make mistakes. However, unless you go out and "fall down" and then learn what went wrong, you could face bigger problems down the line. Are you going to date 16 year olds when you are 25? Not likely, and if your social skills are still under-developed, you may be lonely or frustrated until you figure things out. So, realize you need to grow and learn here to move on - in the bigger picture.

    I suspect that she sees you more as a father figure, but things get complicated when you throw sex into an immature relationship like this. She needs to be with a man who is confident, has self control, and is challenging (i.e., not desperate or boring) to remain with him. There are other aspects that you probably lack as well, all of which will serve only to drive her away.

    So right here you tell me that (1) you are insecure about losing her (2) realize she will cheat on you like she cheated with you (3) lack self-control to avoid the fights and (4) lack the vision to see the real reasons for the fights.

    1. You threw a fit because you are insecure. Obviously, you worry that she is going to leave you. However, if you were more secure, you would think to yourself "I'm a lot better than this other guy. If she hangs out with him, she'll realize what an idiot he is and will come back to me." However, you cannot do that because you have dated a cheater and probably lack self-control, which also probably drives her away and makes her mad at you. After all, she wants a strong, mature man, not a jealous little child who tries to control her.

    2. You know she's a cheater, so that gives you good reason to be insecure. Of course, had you picked a chaste woman, this would not be a problem. So your bad decision now makes you look bad later. Too bad for you.

    3. When you do get into fights about this, self control is required. You cannot change her, you cannot tell her what she can and cannot do. You cannot tell her who she can hang out with. However, if you had self control, you'd deal with it in a calm and polite manner. Maybe simply by saying "Hanging out with your ex-boyfriend makes me uncomfortable, and I think it's disrespectful. While I am not going to prevent you from seeing him, don't be surprised if I decide to break up if I think you are making me look like a fool." Plain and simple, speak to what YOU are feeling in an honest and simple way, and let her know what YOU will do if she does whatever it is that upsets you. Remember, you are the prize, and if she is good to you she gets to keep you. If she cheats or is disrespectful, she loses you.

    4. When you fight about this stuff, you are not fighting about the bigger issues. Realize that you have to tell her "I don't trust you because I know you are a cheater." Of course, if you tell her that she's going to dump you. But it's the truth. Now, unless you bring it up, you have no backbone. THIS is why she is upset. Because you are not speaking to the truth. You are lying to her and she knows it - she feels it - she is smarter than you in this regard. So your only option is to tell her the truth. It's a catch-22 though. The relationship will not last if you tell her, nor will it last if you don't. So, in my opinion, no matter how long you stay together the lack of trust will ultimately doom your relationship.

    Again, you are not speaking to the truth. You think she is a lying, cheating whore, and you want her to suddenly be an honest, loving, and caring woman who is just your lover - but no one else's. Guess what? She may as well tell you that she wants you to start cross-dressing. Are you going to do that? Not likely, so how can you even think of imposing your skewed values on her when you already know who she is? That's disrespectful of her, which is probably also upsetting her. :(

    Big problem, in my opinion. Since it appears to me that you lack backbone, now you are in another bad situation. You're getting trapped by other issues, which only further complicate stuff.

    When you leave, it's a challenge. Like I said before, you are the prize. If she is good you reward her with her presence. When you leave, she'll want you back. By leaving you are showing her you have a backbone, and she likes that about you. The problem is you also are over-bearing with all the fights and dishonesty, so you're kinda screwed in my opinion.

    Everything else after "because she" is now an excuse to see if you have backbone. She is trying to dump you nicely. You know and she knows this IS a sexual relationship, and now she is having to take control. She does not want to take control, though, but she has to because you have no backbone. She is hoping you will say "Well, doh, sex IS very important, and if you want to cut that off then I wonder if you don't like me any more. I'm not sure if I will stick around to be 'tested' or 'toyed' with while you figure things out." I mean, COME ON, she's slept with how many guys and NOW she wants to think about sex? Give me a break. She is most likely trying to get you to dump her so she doesn't have to feel guilty when she cheats on you. Or when she has to tell you that she already cheated on you ....

    She cried because she was looking for a father figure, but you've sunken into a child-like boy and that messes with her. She wanted a strong man, you've become a weak child. You don't address the real issues, you don't control yourself, instead you may be acting like a big baby and making her make all the decisions. She most likely does not want that. She liked it when you made out with her, fucked her, and stole her away from her boyfriend. That was a confident and powerful move on your part. You seduced her with your strength. Now you are whipped and kissing her ass, and that is NOT strength, that is NOT maturity, and she knows it. So she is moving on...

    First, you have to STOP being dependant on her. That is probably the #1 issue at hand now. You HAVE to get a life without her, and never let her see your weak side. You have to put your foot down. You also have to do it in a MATURE and POLITE and CALM manner. So, for example, if she says she wants to habg out with her ex, you simply tell her "Well, that makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to ask that you respect our relationship and my feelings and not go out with him, or invite me along so we can all be together. Knowing your romantic history with him, I have no doubts he will try to trick you and seduce you. I'm not down with that." If she says no, or gets upset, simply tell her "Look, that's the way it is. If you respect and love me, you will take my position into account. You don't have to listen to me, but don't expect me to tolerate being mistreated. I'm going home. You figure out what you want to do and let me know." You should also let her know that you are not mad at her, and do care for her and respect her, but if she's going to cry/scream/get upset then you're going to give her some space and time to calm down and then you can come back and discuss it rationally.

    Finally, you probably need to get off the serious topics. What happened to flirting, joking, tickling, having a good time? When was the last time you went out with her and atually made an effort to make her smile? Have you lost sight of that? Remember, for her to remain faithful and in love with you it's imparitive that you give her REASON to do so! If you're a jealous insecure bitch, how is that attractive? You need to be fun and unpreditable. You need to avoid serious topics like her ex's and other guys, as well as your insecurities or feelings for her. Instead, go see a movie, go out to a club and rip on the fat people, go to a museum, and do something where you can have fun. Then find a broom closet and have a quick fuck! ;) If you've lost sight of having fun, which is the reason why you are together, then your relationship is truly doomed.

    Now, again, I am not advocating you stay with her due to the fact that she is under 18 (unless it's legal in your state, you need to find out), but if you do all you have to do is get your act together and act like the adult you are.

    Good luck.
     
  6. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    Move on...you started out with a girl who was already taken...those never end good.
     
  7. bobbarker70

    bobbarker70 New Member

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    about 90% of that was correct and i am happy u were totally honest with me.

    the only part i didnt like was when you told me i was being an indirect bitch. theres nothign indirect about me saying "i dont want you going out with your ex because you cheated on me and youll do it again and its dishonest" lol. everytime ive seen a problem i tell her the problem and i confront it. i dont pussyfoot around it. but most of eveything you said was correct. and she is not telling me in an indirecft way to dump me. i should have mentioned this, but i dumped hew twice and i took her back. by taking her back again im the bitch. i recgonize this.

    this is my plan tonite when she gets home im gonna be showered and ready to go out to a movie and dinner. then i thoguht wed goto teh beach where we first met and walk down the pier and talk if she wanted. then id take her home like a normal date.

    i kinda worked out a list that i wanted to talk to her about. i wana do it now but idk if i should do it before/during a night out where im trying to help her forget about the stress. idk. im not gonna say this exactly but moreso the points i want to get across.

    *i have been very jealous over the last 5 months. we got together on very dishonest terms. in spite of this i apologize for making you feel bitter or guilty or sad or unhapy about your decisions or ever making you feel liek i was forcing you to fel or act a certaint way. you are your own human beign and you cannot be what i want you to be. you can only be who you are.. from now on i will not make you or try to force you to do anythign you dont want to. i will tell you how you how i feel about a situation clearly, in a calm and orderly respectful manner. you can choose to acknowledge and respect my point of view or you cannot. you are free to do what u wish because you are your own person and so am i. but if u disrecpect or disregard my point of view completely the chances of this relationship lasthing is nill. i deserve to be treated with respect and you deserve the same. it is really quite that simple.

    *i feel like the amount of time im spending at your house is ridiculious and only adding to additional problems. i am a grown man and you are a young woman and we are in different places in our lives. i need my space and you defiently need yours. you should see friends and family and womever u wish without me over your shoulder. im not asking you to like it but to respect it and acknowledge it. i have tons of my own friends and a life of my own that im missing out on. so im not going to stay over here for access amouts of time. i need to make a life of my own and i feel very trapped and i think its doing detrimental thingss to our relationship.

    any thoughts?
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2006

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