How to trust...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by jtrem, Jun 23, 2008.

  1. jtrem

    jtrem Active Member

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    Basically, I don't know how to trust anyone in my life anymore. Four years ago I had a girlfriend and towards the end of our relationship she had sex with my brother. I don't believe it gets much worse than that, I was a wreck. They both deny it to this day, but he has subtly admitted it because he is an idiot. I hold nothing against the two as I don't talk to the girl anymore, but I treat my brother the exact same, I will always have his back no matter how shady he is or whatever problems he has.

    Well four years later I have a girl friend and currently we have been together for 1.5 years, we are so happy and great together. I am slowly tearing us apart making a big deal out of nothing, she deserves my trust and is a great girl, but I feel like I don't even know how to anymore...Two people I really cared about just went and did that to me and I was devastated, vagcrew I need your help, I am into this girl!
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Seek a professional.

    Seriously, try to find a psychiatrist in your area and go to him/her.
     
  3. Kreigore

    Kreigore New Member

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    You should do as iwywb suggested.

    In my non-professional opinion, your trust was violated by two individuals you care(d) for. The new girlfriend has done nothing to question the trust you have established.

    You should not hold the issues you have with others who did you wrong against your new girlfriend. She did nothing to break your trust. Your ex-girlfriend and your brother did.

    Talk to your brother if you feel you need to work it out.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd:

    You know your gf has done nothing wrong. I worry if you continue to not deal with these issues you'll eventually ruin your relationship by spreading your insecure thoughts of infidelity onto your gf who is completely innocent.
     
  5. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    OMG, I would so beat the living shit out of my brother and disown his ass if he ever did something like that.

    You're new GF did nothing wrong, don't distrust her because of what other people did to you.

    Oh and don't leave your gf's alone with you brother.
     
  6. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    absolutely!

    i do have one question tho. does your current gf know that your brother slept with your ex gf?
     
  7. Dweezil

    Dweezil New Member

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    /agree - seek out some professional help.
     
  8. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    Yeah honestly if you can admit to yourself that she deserves your trust and you still can't give it to her that means you need professional help.

    It doesn't sound like you're too far gone though because you already know and admit you have a problem, and you can identify the source. You should look at the differences between your current GF and your ex to help you realize that they aren't the same person.
     
  9. jtrem

    jtrem Active Member

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    Yes and it is hard to explain to her because she sometimes feels like i am comparing her to the ex, which I am not at all, I am simply trying to explain to her why I am the way I am. I feel like I can trust her, but I have that in the back of my head.
     
  10. jtrem

    jtrem Active Member

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    I would never touch my brother ,I have already once in my life put him in his place, and will never do so again. He believes he is the only one that matters, but I know when he does something stupid I will have his back no matter what. Just a rough situation as I want to trust her genuinely, but it is hard when your family can break your trust. I think I may just have to talk about this to someone, after looking through the vag for the past few months i figured this could be a place to start.
     
  11. uptown

    uptown

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    And sadly you always will unless something is done about it. It is amazing how an the actions of an ex can have such an affect on new relationships, especially when it comes to trust. But I'll be honest with you, what you had happen was bad yes, but you can over come it with time and some help like other people have mentioned. There are those of us out there that have had similar or worse things happen and have been able to get through it. You can too, you just have to be willing to work at it some more which it sounds like you are. Go talk to someone about it, it really can make all the difference.
     
  12. jtrem

    jtrem Active Member

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    I appreciate your post, a lot actually. I feel like I am way past it, which kind of sucks because I still have a lack of trust for people in general and it feels as though there is no reason for that lack of trust.
     
  13. fray

    fray New Member

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    I actually think part of your problem getting past it is your avoidance and ignoring the issue with your brother. You've kind of glossed it over, and treat him the same, when it obviously bothers you.

    You say you'd have his back for anything, but he does not have yours. Why are you tearing yourself apart inside, but he has gotten off scott free? If this was a girl treating you as he has, everyone would say dump her. Seriously, he's family, but he's obviously a douche bag. Why do you feel such loyalty to someone who does not treat you with equal respect?
     
  14. jtrem

    jtrem Active Member

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    I feel so loyal because my dad's brother screwed him over so I never had uncle's on that side of the family, I have had one uncle my entire life. I don't want my kids to be without aunts and uncles as I feel it is a great part of life that I have yet to enjoy. He is a douche bag ,clearly , and I know this and most people around know it, but if I don't have his back, he has no one I believe.
     
  15. fray

    fray New Member

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    so you will trust your douchebag brother with your children??

    I guess we have different opinions on family, but missing out on having aunts and uncles doesn't seem like that big of a deal... make some close friends and your kids can think of them as aunts and uncles.
     
  16. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    The biggest thing is not learning how to trust again. That's almost impossible.

    The biggest thing is learning how to deal with the PAIN of shattered trust. If you figure out a way to do THAT then you will be more free to trust again because you know that you can deal with the pain.
     
  17. BlackIce72

    BlackIce72 New Member

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    Your Erroneous Zones by Wayne Dyer

    Read it.

    He's a doctor. And will tell you what a lot of doctors will. And he's incredibly well known.

    So check that out for $7 before you shell out perhaps thousands.
     
  18. prolifics

    prolifics New Member

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    How are you tearing the relationship apart specifically? Making a big deal out of nothing, and then what? What's she been doing? She doesn't pick up her phone when you call? She better recognize.

    Your subconscious is just trying to protect you so that you don't get fucked again. With time, you will learn to trust again on your own free will.
     
  19. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Absolutely some professional help. Both for yourself and possibly for both of you.

    I have huge trust issues myself. I'm seriously on the verge of being incapable of being in an intimate relationship. If you have issues that are getting in the way of you having a healthy relationship, the sooner you address them the better. I've been working on mine for years now and though I think I've made some significant improvements, it is a process and it is taking me way longer than I want it to. If only I'd done something about it sooner then I would be in a healthier place right now.

    I'm the guy who snoops through his girlfriend's shit and blames it on her being less than 100% honest. The simple truth is, it's my shit. Sure part of my issues is that I pick women that might not be the most trustworthy, but part of it is also thinking that people aren't trustworthy whether they are or not. Thankfully my girlfriend and I will be seeing a counselor together soon so I will have an objective 3rd party's perspective on our relationship... something I wish I could always have in my head.

    I hate being like this. I mean take right now for example... I'm obsessing over the possibility of my girl having slept with someone when we weren't even together... ugh. I don't want to be that guy, but trusting someone is hard for me even when I have every reason to trust a person. And since no one is perfect and truth is such a relative concept... you'd be amazed at how easy it is to turn a nothing situation into a total dealbreaker. The truth is really that I am scared to let anyone get too close to me because I don't want to get hurt so when I start to feel close to someone, I start to find reasons to push them away so that it hurts less if things go bad. The trick is that in doing this I'm really just hurting myself over and over again.

    Anyway I feel like I'm just rambling and no one really cares what I have to say... hah. I'm just a sick mother fucker trying to get healthy. If I'd known how hard it would be to fix myself I wouldn't have put it off for so many years.
     
  20. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    you weren't rambling at all. in fact, :eek3:, i understood and lived pretty much every word of what you said [bolded section].

    i totally agree with you that's it's issues that both parties need to fix. if this girl is someone you love completely, i totally support your mutual decision to seek couples counseling. in fact, i'm actually sort of jealous, as it may have done wonders in my relationship. :dunno: however, one cannot dwell on the "what-if's" in life, so i'll move on.

    getting back on topic here, :bigthumb:, good luck with the counseling. i have friends [a couple] that went to counseling for different reasons, but their relationship is now better than ever. objective 3rd party opinion = ftmfw ;)

    :)
     
  21. BlackIce72

    BlackIce72 New Member

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    The problem is all of these "I'm" statements.

    "That's just ME. That's who I AM."
    "I'm just a worrier"
    "I'm just someone who doesn't trust"
    "I'm just built that way"

    Those don't exist. You created them as an excuse to not take action against something. It's a cop out answer.

    "My parents were both worriers. I'm a worrier"
    "My girlfriend cheated on me. I just can't trust ANYONE anymore"

    As if some external force should affect who you are internally.

    Excuses.

    And checking your SO's shit is retarded. You'll pretty much never find something you wouldn't get at least mildly jealous/curious about.

    If you keep telling yourself you can't trust, then you WON'T trust.

    Tell yourself right now "I'm willing to take the steps to trust people more".

    Self-pity has a satisfying payoff. It is an excuse to not take action now and you feel like people will listen and empathize, reinforcing your neurotic behavior.

    Fact is, nobody gives a shit 2 minutes after the conversation.

    They close the window and this never happened. But you're left there, fending for yourself.

    So go do something. Now.
     

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