SRS how to rediscover direction and purpose in life?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by themolsen, Sep 4, 2009.

  1. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    My girlfriend was everything to me. She gave me my purpose and direction in life; to be a husband and a father. Everything I did during our relationship was to build a life in which we could do that; to thrive and be happy. She sent me engagement ring pictures, talked about making a happy home, etc.

    But, alas, it is no more, and I've lost my direction and purpose. How do I find it again? What do I do?

    I'm not asking how to get over a girl...that's different and I can do that. I guess I just don't know how to find myself again.

    Help me OT:hs:
     
  2. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    I should add I have a good job that I enjoy for the most part and my family is awesome. I have a few close friends too.

    I just feel lost without this girl in my life, especially since there was never anything wrong with our relationship. She just has commitment fears and emotional problems that I can't help her with anymore because she's unwilling to help herself.
     
  3. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

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    Any goals in your life besides having a family with this chick? Personal goals?
     
  4. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

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    So everything's good in your life with regards to friends, family, work, etc... You don't want help getting over the girl but you say you feel lost without her. Am I interpreting this correctly?
     
  5. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    I don't know what I need. I don't know what my goals are anymore. My goals were to improve my life in such a way that I could provide for a family in the future. I don't even know what that means anymore. My head is so cloudy. Fuck.

    maybe I just need some rebound sex
     
  6. CRXican

    CRXican God Loves Ugly

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    sounds like you have it made to me

    then again, I'm not seeking a relationship
     
  7. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    It really sucks going from being with your true love and planning on a life together to her just emotionally ditching you because she loves you too much and she's scared she could get hurt badly.
     
  8. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

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    I'm no Dr. Love but it doesn't sound like she loved you as much as you think.
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    1. Help others who have it worse off than you.
    2. Realize that just because you might not be shooting to be her perfect man, you can still become your own perfect man for yourself and future wife; whoever she is.
     
  10. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    I know, that's what people on the internet say. But anyone who actually knows her knows she was very much in love with me. Now she's on the path to self-destruction to try and forget about it.... it makes no sense but no one can make her change her mind. Sadly, it'll take her really getting hurt to realize what she's lost. I hate to think about someone hurting her.
    I can't even imagine a future wife right now, but that's a good point. I like #1, but not right now...I'm way too emotionally exhausted
     
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You'd be surprised. Helping the needy (homeless, elderly, disabled) can be so incredibly fulfilling you forget completely about your own woes.
     
  12. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    I work for a nonproft and help the poor and disadvantaged almost every day. Not directly though. Maybe I should tutor someone... something to thnk about. Thanks
     
  13. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

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    I can't help you with a direction in life but I can teach you proven ways to become more happy and optimistic if you'd like. From there I find the rest follows.
     
  14. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    Details? I feel optimistic right this minute, but it's a fuckin roller coaster
     
  15. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    still waiting for these amazing proven ways to be happy....
     
  16. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

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    Oh ya shit, sorry about that, got busy and forgot to scroll down here. I'll give you some steps today when I have time. They aren't amazing but they're proven.
     
  17. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    There is always a huge danger in building your entire life around your significant other. As in your situation, the danger is that if it ever ends, then you're in a very bad spot.

    It can also be a catch-22 situation. Many times, the more you devote yourself to your significant other, while neglecting having hobbies and passions of your own (other than her), the greater chance the significant other will get pushed away.

    I know you're not here looking for relationship advice, however I think it would benefit you to consider the possibility that the "commitment issue" is not an absolute truth. Someway or another, her needs were not being met.
     
  18. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    I've already gone through all of this with her, her friends, her family. the issue was never our relationship or me. she's really emotionally immature and has some other problems.... needs a shrink
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2009
  19. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    We sound like we've been through similar situation, only mine was a divorce. I focused on parenting, and my job. I became a better parent, and ended up getting a promotion at work by channeling my energy into two things that really mattered to me.

    I also wanted to take up hand gliding, and ended up finally trying that out and develping a new hobby.
     
  20. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

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    Okay here are a few things. I'm leaving out some of the longer ones to explain. You don't have to do everything and not everything leads directly to an increase in happiness, some leads to things like optimism, which I believe goes hand in hand with happiness. And I won't give you the scientific backings to them all but I can give you the studies of those that you want to do the best or would do but are skeptical about.

    1. Express gratitude. In the studies done, people in one control group were asked to list 5 things they were thankful for that happened in the last week. I'm grateful for...The answers varied from MSN messenger to not getting tested on all the chapters like they were told to their mother saying they love them. One group did this multiple times a week. One group did it once a week, one group did it twice a month, and once group listed the hassles. Of all the groups, the only two that gained benefit from this was the once a week and bi monthly. The groups that did it more than once a week lost the novelty of it and the answers weren't genuine.

    So you can do this journal idea. You can simply meditate on what you are grateful for or take for granted. You can challenge an ungrateful thought (My friend forgot my birthday), with a grateful one (He's always been there for me), and one of the best ways is to write letters to people that have made an impact in your life. You don't have to send them as just writing it is enough for a boost. The best results come from varied timing of these activities and switching different methods.

    2. Best possible selves diary. It's empirically proven to boost optimism. Take a half hour and write what you expect your life to be like in either 1 5 or 10 years. A future in which everything turned out the way you wanted had to taken the risks you wanted to, worked hard, and all your goals were achieved.

    If you want you can break the larger goals (Own my own business) into smaller ones about how you'll achieve them.

    From then you can address the negative thoughts you'll encounter with a clear head. Only do this in a neutral or positive mood. If you think you gave a co worker bad advice and now she'll never ask you again write it down and then challenge it.

    -What else could this situation mean?
    -can anything good come from it?
    -does it present any opportunities? lessons?
    -What evidence do I have that she'll never ask me again? I've gave her great advice in the past and she's told me so.

    3. Avoid overthinking, social comparison, etc...
    There are a few ways to cut loose so to speak:

    1. Distract yourself. Watch tv, read a book ,listen to music, exercise, meet a friend for coffee, etc...
    2. Think or say stop to yourself and then use your smarts to think about something else, even mundane. If you overthink while exercising think stop and then focus on what you are doing. The colour of the gym floor, the smell of the room, what you are going to look like after a year of working out, etc...
    3. Spend some time each day to ruminate. When you get a feeling to overthink remove it from your head and tell yourself you'll have time later to do so.
    4. Talk to a friend that will be objective. They won't help you worry or follow your tangent. It's like talking to your girlfriend about the bitch at her work. You don't need to offer any opinions. Just listening is enough to make them relax and let go of their feelings.
    5. Write down your worries ala postsecret or something. You can find patterns you might not have had you just thought of these things.

    Remove the triggers. Consciously see what situations you are in when you start to overthink and either modify them so you are in a more flow situation or stop them and add in different ones like dance class or biking.

    You can also ask yourself if this will matter in a year or two. You can think of yourself in the big picture, as a tiny dot in the vast expanse of space.

    4?. Random acts of kindness. Cliche but there are a few keys here. Do something a bit more than your custom because we all do little things that are nice every day that go unnoticed. Another thing is to do it periodically, not all the time. Like gratitude, doing say, 5 acts of kindness in 1 day boosted happiness a lot more than a few everyday. The last thing is variety. You can't do the same thing all the time. That youtube free hugs guy leveled off to his pre-hug happiness level after a while.

    The rest take a lot of time to type but I'll give you some highly adopted practices for certain things.

    Coping: Write down your most distressful experiences. Or type. Put in all the details including how it made you feel and your reactions to it. Do this for a half hour for 3 consecutive days. What they've found is the process of writing a creative narrative of your trauma helps you get past it. Language is structured and it can trigger an analysis of your problem to find meaning and a sense of control.

    A big thing here is people that used causal words (Because, cause, infer) and insight words (Understand, realize, see) showed huge boosts in improvement.

    Thought disputation: used in cognitive therapy for depression. When you think of a though like "I'll never get a girlfriend", or "I'll never find my path in life", follow the ABCDE method. Adversity, Belief, consequence, disputation, and energize.

    1. Write down the nature of the adversity. The problem- GF dumped me, don't have a direction in life.

    2. identify negative beliefs- My life was built around her and now it's wasted.

    3. Record the consequence of the problem, how you are feeling and acting- I feel lonely and angry that I've wasted all this time on her. I'm angry that I've built my sense of identity around her.

    4. Dispute the belief- Maybe it was all her (You already think this), I do have a sense of identity and I have a lot to show for this life planning. A house, a good job, I can commit and that's valuable to a lot of girls, I can achieve long term goals, etc...

    5. Considering the positive helps you to become more energized and hopeful.

    Some good questions to help you attack your beliefs are:

    What evidence do I have to think this?
    What alternative explanations are there for the event?
    If it's true, what are the implications? What's the worst possible thing that could happen? How likely is it?
    What is the best possible thing as a result and how likely is it?
    Is this belief useful to me? What do I get from thinking this?

    Another thing you can do is write forgiveness letters. You don't have to mail them. Then write what you would like to hear from them as an apology letter. What explanation would they give? What would you give if you were them? Do you buy the excuse? Is it reasonable?

    The longest ones are increase flow experiences, nurture social relationships, the six goals and how to pursue them, meditation and physical activity.

    You can also pretend to be happy. Smiling increases your mood and affects how others interact with you.

    Hope this helps. It really didn't take that long, I type fast.
     
  21. freckleface

    freckleface expose the raw nerve and get on with our lives...

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    Great post...I to have been lost in mother hood. Also i have been a sahm for 3 years gave up a great career to stay home. Been lost in being a wife! So i am on my own path back to self. I think we do this at different points in life.

    Awareness precedes change :)

    Also great advice here :)

    Attitude is perception :)
     
  22. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    awesome :bowdown: thanks so much
     
  23. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    don't look for things/people. to make you smile. be your own reason to smile.
     
  24. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    .
     
  25. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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    wtf are you guys doing. the relationship discussion is OVER with. you know very little of the situation.
     

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