How to not compare to an ex?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Mugen92GS-R, Mar 10, 2008.

  1. Mugen92GS-R

    Mugen92GS-R New Member

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    I'm not trying to rush in to ANYTHING with anyone, and don't mind taking it slow while I get to know someone. I've been trying to meet new people since me and my ex broke up, but I have a problem. I'm comparing new girls I meet to my ex. Not a HORRIBLE thing, but in the same regard, things that took my ex from average to above average, the opposites are taking new girls from average to BELOW average...

    Example: I loved the fact that my ex never wore makeup... she didn't have to. Thats something that can easily (sounds stupid, but lets pretend it's a point system...) 'add' points. However, I obviously don't think that wearing makeup deserves NEGATIVE points, but thats kinda where my mind is going. Like, instead of the fact that a new interest wears makeup having really no effect on what I think of her, I find it IS having an effect, simply because I'm comparing her to my ex.

    Thats just one example. And I think the hard thing is, my ex was easily the most beautiful girl I've ever been with. 5'8", 120lbs, 36C's, 35/25/34 etc... So in my head I think it's going to be hard to be attracted to anything LESS for a while...

    I guess I'm just rambling, and yes I know we haven't been broken up for a long time. I'm not trying to get in to a relationship, but I'm already dating a few girls casually... I don't really see anything wrong with that. They already know I'm not looking for anything serious for a while... but it just seems like I can't force myself to evaluate them on their own merit... only on a merit set by my ex...

    If anyone has any tips for my problem, thanks!
     
  2. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Maybe you need some time to evaluate YOURSELF.

    You are now holding these girls to a certain standard (which is a GOOD thing btw), but are you meeting that standard yourself? That's just as important.

    I honestly don't see anything wrong with you have having certain qualities you are looking for in a woman. So long as you aren't comparing them to your ex specifically, but RATHER the things your ex DID.

    Being in a relationship is about FINDING the right person. Not settling.
     
  3. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    its impossible. just stop doing it verbally.
     
  4. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    That's exactly why i'm afraid to jump into anything with anyone at this point. I need to spend more time getting to know myself. It's something I haven't really done in the past 4.5 years. The time is now.

    I know I'll compare anyone new to my ex. That's not fair to them, and it's not healthy for me. I might talk to a few girls, but I don't know. I's readlly like some more girl-friends. I have 2 that I've known through college, but I'd love to know more.

    As for now, I'm going to focus heavily on myself. If I see someone casually, fine, but it's definitely not in my short-term goals. So, I guess my advice is to do the same.
     
  5. Mangina

    Mangina New Member

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    .

    The key is keeping your mouth shut. You can think whatever you want.
     
  6. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    There was a quote that I think Poco used to say here:

    Bad things come to those who don't know what they want.

    Learn it, live it, love it. Knowing who you are and what you want is the single most important thing you can do to prepare yourself for a relationship.
     
  7. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    :bowdown: Totally agree. I was in a serious relationship, way too young. I'm figuring out myself, my likes and dislikes. It's making me a happier and more confident person overall. That's the silver lining to my current emotional shitstorm. I'm looking forward to dating more and developing myself.
     
  8. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Just make sure you don't MENTION this to her. My ex from awhile ago would compare me to his ex, out loud. Even though it was favorable "you're so much whatever-er than her" it still drove me fucking crazy and really hurt me.
     
  9. Four Twenty

    Four Twenty New Member

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    you simply have to find a girl that is as attractive or more attractive than your ex
     
  10. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    Since Viper's leaving tonight - I figure I'll give him a proper send off the only way I know how.....

    Yes, its very important to know what you want, as Viper just said.

    HOWEVER, I think one point often ignored here is that its ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE to find what you like/dont like until you actually experience it. If you do that, you could just be excluding really great things for no reason.

    You cant just sit around, alone, over analyzing things and making up a list of "like and dislikes" or "My gf shall not...." etc, unless you're actually out there dating people/meeting new people/figuring out what works for you.

    You can spend all the time in the world "preparing for a relationship" but it doesnt ever do you any good if 1) the "preparation" is based on nothing but speculation/bitterness/OT and 2) you never actually test the theory of anything thats on your list.
     
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    This is typical. You held your ex on a ridiculously high pedastal as it is (which hopefully you'll learn to not to do again since it obviously jaded you from seeing what kind of person she really was).

    It's great that you are getting out there and meeting people, but you need to remind yourself over and over that you don't need anything remotely serious right now. If you keep reminding yourself of this you should get over comparing these girls to her because you should be realizing they aren't supposed to be your perfect ideal girl. If they were your perfet ideal girl you'd want to date them seriously.

    Get over how great she was and looked, she was a piece of shit, remember? Look for better women.
     
  12. Mugen92GS-R

    Mugen92GS-R New Member

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    :love:

    And all this 'comparing' has been only in my head. I'd never actually SAY anything :rofl:
     
  13. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    You misunderstand what I mean.

    Everybody should have a list of things they want in a partner. And they should have a list of dealbreakers.

    Some things on the list may be comprimised (say she has blue eyes instead of those brown eyes I love so much...meh whatever) and others should NEVER be comprimised. What those things are that can never be comprimised, you should KNOW what they are instead of being in a relationship for x amount of years and suddenly realizing the relationship isn't going to work.
     
  14. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :bigthumb: I would pretty much be done with a guy if all he could talk about was his ex.
     
  15. HuskiRuski

    HuskiRuski Cardinal Fan

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    i find myself doing this too with all the girls i've dated since i broke up with my ex.
    it's not necessarily a bad thing. there's nothing wrong with having high standards, as long as you're willing to be a little loose about a few of them and give girls a chance.

    i would say i was less picky before i went out with my recent ex, and just happened to get lucky and snag a good one. why would i want my next girl to be a "step down"?
     
  16. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    How are you supposed to figure that one out if youre never in a relationship? What I mean is...how can you know to put something on your lists (some may be harder than others, which I understand) if you never have an experience that illuminates whatever item that is?
    I'm not saying that you shouldnt have a list (or 2), I'm just saying that if you choose to make such lists, you might want to put some thought, care and experience into them if they're going to help you shape how you pick partners.
     
  17. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    So you agree with me then. Good. It's about time.

    Making a list for what you want in a LTR does not mean that you can't casually date people who don't meet the requirments of said list.

    In fact, there are times in life when you just need a good fucking piece of ass. You assume that by making a list, I mean that you should only date people who qualify to said list and you are WRONG.

    I'm saying that you shouldn't entertain a LTR with someone who doesn't meet the things you put on the list (the things you CAREFULLY put on the list after giving it thought and contemplation). ;)
     
  18. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Comparing to exes is normal.
     
  19. owenstar

    owenstar New Member

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    I dont know if "Comparing" is the right word for what you speak about...I learned through all of the women I have been with things I dig and things I dont....

    I love chicks that dont wear makeup...every woman I have been in a long relationship with has had this quality...

    I dig chicks who are into music...My ex who I was with for 8 years shared the same passion I did....

    Now I look at it like a standard...the women I go out with now have to live up to the good from the ones who came before her...and hopefully have less of the bads

    I wouldnt tell em this face to face to any of them...
     
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    There's a difference between lightly comparing and comparing to the point where if they don't fit your ex's mold you dump them because they aren't as "perfect." Though I'm not shocked that was your answer.
     

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