SRS How to let someone go?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by lostsoul, Jan 10, 2005.

  1. lostsoul

    lostsoul werd

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    I've dated a girl on and off (more on than off) for the last five years. Several months ago, we split up, and I found someone new. This new girl is wonderful, but I find myself having problems with her simply because she isn't girl #1. I think almost incessantly about girl #1, but there's too much history and too many problems right now for us to be back together. Perhaps in the future, things could smooth out, but it will take a lot of time.

    The hard part is that I find myself adding her name to my msn list in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, just to see if she's online... I look at her myspace profile and cry because she's posting pictures of herself that make me want her so badly. She was incredibly passionate in bed and I am disinterested in sex since her, as no one seems to truly compare.

    It doesn't help that I have depression and anxiety problems rather severely, certainly. I am consistent with my medications and do have anxiety meds to take if I start to go overboard due to my history of cutting, but I don't want to have to resort to these things all the time. I want to let her go for now mostly so I can be happy with the incredible person I'm with now.

    I'd love any suggestions people can offer, and just writing this has helped me a bit, to get it off my chest and into the open. Thanks in advance guys, it means a lot that you'd even read this far. :sadwavey:
     
  2. IgnitionGSR

    IgnitionGSR OT Abuser

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    Well, you'd be suprised how much time can cure up wounds... but it might take a lot of time since it was a pretty long-term relationship with a lot of memories and history. Sorry to tell you, but no matter what you'll choose to do, it will be tough. Just hang in there with that new girl and see where things go.
     
  3. shangrilarcadia

    shangrilarcadia A lady

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    Time heals all wounds, but it can't do it if you are constantly checking up on her, reading her journal, checking up on her on msn, etc - every time you do that, it is like you are picking at the scab that is trying to form. The wound can never heal unless you leave it alone.

    The key is for you to allow yourself to admit that it's not going to work with #1 - you already know that, but you're still holding on to that hope since you don't want it to be true eventhough deep in your heart you know that it is, and just cut her out of your life (for real, which includes secretly checking on her). Try and use some self restraint next time you are tempted to check on the ex. You can't keep letting her ruin your chance at positive relationship with #2 (and in the future, #3,4,5, etc).
     
  4. Letting go of someone you love is the most loving thing you can do once you know it's what you must do. It hurts, it's not easy, and it takes time, and sometimes...mistakes. For your case, I'd recommend counseling, continue using your medications - and talk about your obsession openly with those you trust. It's not uncommon that people going through the things you are would feel these things - but to move beyond them will require open dialogue.

    Letting go also unfortunately means avoiding putting yourself through temptation [adding her name on MSN or other IM services, checking e-mail from her, profiles and so forth. You can't let go - unless you "do" let go.
     
  5. CBBaller

    CBBaller keira is below.

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    Time heals. And I would suggest not going to her MySpace or seeing if she's online at night. Try to stop looking at or being around anything that makes you think of her (it's difficult, I know). That should help you get over her faster.
     
  6. erynne936

    erynne936 my av is a car, but i'm a girl. stop calling me b OT Supporter

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    same as all the above people said...
    time heals, but also "out of sight, out of mind"
    it actually sucks in this day and age that if you break up with someone you practically cant get away from them. as much as i love IM, myspace, etc, your ex is always available for you to check up on. delete, delete, delete. all the emails, the IM names, everything you can.
    give your new girl a chance, but also, consider whether you are ready to be in a new relationship yet. maybe you need more time on your own first.
    good luck :hug:
     
  7. vibit

    vibit New Member

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    i'm in almost the same state as you lostsoul...and my ex actually kinda admitted to me that he was interested in my best friend at one point when we were having problems. it was a complete slap in my face. i'm finding it hard to let go too because he's still on my msn. (i have a feeling that he's deleted me though...haven't talked to him in a long time) and also because everytime I see my best friend, i know THEY still communicate. (it's been one month since we broke officially broke off our 7 month relationship) it still hurts and i feel like shit because i end up comparing myself to her a lot now. i don't know how to stop thinking that way...
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Always look at the things that you DO have in life, not at the things you DONT have. There's a lot you have in your life that doesn't get the appreciation that it should get. If you really love your new partner, then i would go for her. You can't always get what you want, mick jagger already told that years ago. If anything wouldn't your partner like to be loved completely and passionatly by you? If you are unable to give your new partner the love that she deserves, then it maby better for you to break up as you are not ready for a relationship yet. Constant medication in the end won't help either, as they are symptom supressors, not problem solvers. I encourage you to directly deal with the problems you have in life, i like to inform you that a problem will remain to be a problem until the end of time, they don't resolve themselves. They are like puzzles you have to solve. i hope you understand this and activly begin to solve them , puzzle your way out of it. Of course we will help you to solve this puzzle :)
     
  9. WPInerd

    WPInerd New Member

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    I'm having the same the problem as you. IF you want to talk I can help becuase I've jsut gone through the exact samething. PM me if you wanna talk on AIM or something. I'll do my best to help you get through this
     
  10. lostsoul

    lostsoul werd

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    Thanks for all the kind words guys, it helps just to know there are people out there who do care. I'll get in touch with you soon WPInerd, I'm about to crash for the night though. Take care everyone. :wavey:
     
  11. Dethfat

    Dethfat New Member

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    it was the hardest thing ive ever done, was let someone go and im still not over her, i still talk to her and it makes it worse, i ound the best way to forget about that person is to get EXTREMLY bussy with other shit, it doesnt make it any easier having another g/f but if you keep yourself bussy ass hell, it will help, i did for me when i was working 50-60 hours a week
     
  12. otama

    otama New Member

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    When my marriage ended two years ago I thought that I would never find somone special as my ex wife. About a year later I started seeing this girl. We dated for a year and a half, and during that time we fought a lot and there was a lot of drama. I broke it off with her last summer but we continued to talk and see each other.

    About a month ago she started seeing this other guy. She kept telling me that she has feelings for me, so when I asked her to stop seeing this guy, she told me, even earlier this afternoon, that she still loves me and wants me in her life.

    After I got off of work today I went to her place. After no answer at the door, the door was open so I let myself in, she looked at me from the top of the stairs and asked me why I was there. She was in the bath and came out with only a towel on. I told her that I know that I am making a fool out of myself, but I wanted to know right then and there if she would stop seeing this guy. She told me she cannot do that. That killed. I told her I was sorry for coming over like that and left.

    I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I thought that if I went over there like that, she would see what she really means to me. I feel as though I pushed her even more away.

    What hurts the most is that she tells me that she knows she is hurting me by seeing this guy, that she keeps telling me that she misses me, and that she thinks of me when she is with him.

    Just last night I asked her if she had a choice on who she wanted to be with who would it be. She told me that it would be me.

    I found out that this guy leaves either tomorrow or Wednesday to go out of town on business for two weeks. Should I try to contact her later this week, or should I just let it go? I know I should just let it go, but this is just so god damn hard on me, especially after everything she has been telling me in the past couple of weeks.
     
  13. otama

    otama New Member

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    Gee, how did I know she would call me the day he went out of town. She ended up taking me to dinner and we spent the evening together. I found out that he returns Friday afternoon only to leave again Saturday afternoon for another business trip. What do you want to bet that she calls me again? During dinner she told me a bit about this guy. As much as I didn't want to her it, I didn't stop her all that much either. As I was walking the dog before I left her place for the evening, I joked that a truck that matches what he drives just pulled up. She about freaked! I asked her how she would introduce me if he saw me there. She told me that I would be introduced as "a friend." I laughed and told her that I would correct her and tell him that I was her ex and that we had been carrying on a secret relationship all this time. I would really love for that day to come. She told me if I ever did that, she would never talk to me again....hmmm, how can I "accidently" run into them and tell him this?

    I found out through a friend that he took her on a weekend get-a-way last weekend. Now she is planning an extended weekend with this guy next month. I know I shouldn't be concerned with it, but it really hurts to think that someone else is with her.

    I keep telling myself that today will be "day one" that I do not talk to her. So far this month, I have gone two days without talking to her. I want to believe that I am stronger than this, but it's very difficult to believe that.

    What else hurts me is that she is not willing to tell any of her friends or family that we still talk and see each other. Her mom would really give her shit for it, but her mom really has no right to talk about me in the least. She ended up leaving her husband after she found out that he was cheating on her after 25 years or so of marriage. She left him all right, she left him for not even two days. This was last summer and she is still with him.

    I told my ex today that I love her dearly, but I will not be on the back burner and that I will not carry on some "secret" relationship. She is more concerend about what other people think and what they might say if they found out that we were still talking.
     
  14. Synner

    Synner New Member

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    Keep yourself busy. Take on as many new hobbies as you can handle, but don't do anything that reminds you of her. Go to new places. Find some better sex (not to sound crude, but hey, it works!)
     
  15. otama

    otama New Member

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    My job has a second shift available, so I am thinking about taking that to keep me busy during the evenings. I really don't have any friends and I honestly feel as though she was the only friend that I had.

    As far as sex goes, I'm no longer into sleeping with someone if I am not involved with them. Hell, I even turned down the bootie from a hot MILF recently. I think that had something to do with her being married though.
     
  16. otama

    otama New Member

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    The more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. She tells me that she is afraid that this guy will stop seeing her if he found out that she and I still talk and hang out. That almost makes me want to email the guy to tell him what she has been up to once he goes out of town.

    I was over there Thursday evening and was heating up some pizza when I found the directions and information to her weekend get-a-way next month sitting on the counter next to the microwave.

    She keeps telling me that she misses me and loves me, but I just don't know how much more I can take. I really need to stop talking to her, but this shit is more difficult than I ever thought it would be.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2005
  17. otama

    otama New Member

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    I just don't even know if the shit is worth it. I really don't know what it would accomplish if I were to tell him.
     
  18. otama

    otama New Member

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    Gee, guess who just called me and told me that she is on her way over here and is taking me out to lunch?
     
  19. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    no offense, but you are being used - even if she herself doesnt know she's doing it. after a breakup, it's always easier to remember the good things than remember why you broke up in the first place. You remember how good she looks, among other things, and she obviously remembers some things too or she wouldn't be trying to contact you. However, you broke up for at least one reason.

    It sounds to me like she's trying to have the best of both worlds. A new guy who has diffrerent qualities from yourself, but she wants you too because she knows you intimately and there are things she likes about you. She may be afraid of being alone and is grooming you for a fuckbuddy (harsh, i know) in case things with the gurrent guy don't work out.

    bottom line: she doesn't feel that you're worth enough to a. drop everything and be with you, b. have her friends and loved ones know she's talking to you, and c. give you and her current beau the straight up truth. she's being duplicitous so that she can have her cake and eat it too.

    Hard as it is, i'd strongly recommend distancing yourself from her - you will be hurt in the end no matter the outcome. Even if she were to drop everything right now and move in with you again, how many times would you be wondering if she was seeing another guy on the side?

    She would be better off if both you and the other guy just walked away from her. Maybe she would learn a lesson then.
     
  20. otama

    otama New Member

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    I really want this guy to know what has been going on, but I really don't know how to go about telling him. I really think this guy should know what she has been doing once he leaves.

    I pointed out some of the things you mentioned above. (and I read your comments after she left) Overall, I ended up telling her that she needed to leave and that I never wanted to see or talk to her again.
     
  21. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    he's probably not going to be inclined to take anything you say as truth because you're an ex. whether you're jealous or not, things didn't work out between you and the girl he's seeing and so he may take anything you say as trying to sabotage the relationship. the best way to convince him is to trap her in her own lies/evidence.

    If he's the kind of guy you can approach, maybe send him an email. you're going to get raked over hot coals because of your involvement, but if you're doing it for his sake then your honesty will show through in the end. hopefully he's man enough to see that.
     
  22. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    good on you for resisting her, btw. you'll thank yourself for it later.
     
  23. otama

    otama New Member

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    When she called me earlier this afternoon, she told me that she had to make a trip to Target before she came over here. We ended up taking her car and the Target bag was in the back seat. I opened it up a bit to peek inside and saw a Valentines Day card. I kept my mouth shut, but she could tell something was bothering me. I eventually asked her about it and she told me that I "just might be surprised if I receive something next month." I highly doubt the card was for me.

    The look on her face when I told her that I think that she should leave was priceless. It's almost as though she didn't know what to think of that. We had just finished watching a movie and started chit-chatting about things. She stated that, "deep down inside, I think of you as a friend." I'm thinking to myself, WTF???? You don't tell someone that you still love them and miss them only to turn around to say that you still think of them as a friend.

    I ended up leaving her a v-mail at home as soon as she left here and I told her that I don't care if this guy spends 90% of his time out of town on business, I will not be there for her anymore.
     
  24. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    now. stick to your word. find other things to focus on. from this site, to reading to the gym, to volunteer work, to other hobbies.

    it's the hardest thing to do, but ignore her contact. don't respond at all.

    if you feel like reaching out to her, cause it will help you experience the emotions, and stages of grief, then journal it. But don't deliver it to her in any fashion.

    she is not your support mechanism - and it's by her choice. it's time to get your house in order now.
     

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