SRS how to let a girl go?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by sublime335, Dec 5, 2006.

  1. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    So I am sort of seeing a girl. I made it clear from the beginning that I did not want a girlfriend (or at least I thought I was being clear). Now we have been hanging out on the weekends only for about 3-4 weeks. We usually end up staying with eachother and making out/etc. I mean its pretty much a given that we are going to hook up at the end of any night of drinking.

    The problem is that at some point I'm hoping to get back with my ex. I am aware that I shouldent have hooked up with her so soon after breaking with my ex, but I was weak and just needed someone. I'm pretty much over the weak stage and I want to explain to the girl that I don't want to hook up with her anymore, but I don't really know how to do it without hurting her.

    I feel like she is fairly attached and it is my fault because my actions and my words didnt really match up. I told her I didnt want a g/f but when we are hanging out I would be touchy-fealy (grab of the side everytime I walk past her at a party, the little pinches and things you would usually only do with a girl you were pretty in to.)

    I think the only reason that I did all those things was that I was so used to it since I had been with the ex for 4 years. It was just kind of a natural thing to have a girl that was "mine" so I treated her that way. I feel really bad about leading her on but I don't know how to let her down easily.

    I do kind of like the girl, and would really like to be friends, but I'm not sure thats possible at this point. I have been putting off telling her for like 1 1/2 weeks maybe 2, not sure. I say things like I'm sick or I just dont feel well as an excuse to keep from hooking up with her. I even started to be less nice to her in hopes that she will just stop liking me, but that doesent seem to be working (I'm not very good at being mean). What should I do?
     
  2. -argonaut-

    -argonaut- New Member

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    Use the "f" word and "friend zone" her.

    It's harsh, I know, but you've drug this out for far too long and have allowed it to escalate to the level that it is now/allowed her to become as involved as she is.

    It's all on you/your bad, so the best that you can do at this point is take the hit, roll with the punches, and be the ass that you've played yourself to be and just accept all of the ridicule that follows you home..., that, or reassess/take inventory of the new, fledgling relationship you've pulled for yourself and judge whether it would be best for you to just move on with what you have now than to risk losing everything..., including face. :dunno:
     
  3. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    yea, I know I fucked up, but I keep trying to tell myself that it isnt all my fault. I did tell her that I didn't want her as a girlfriend and she said she wanted the same. Damn I'm stupid for not knowing that no girl just wants to hook up with no emotional attachment... :uh:
     
  4. -argonaut-

    -argonaut- New Member

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    Engaging in, like, the most emotional act possible between two people is in no way possible encouraging any form of "attachment", huh?

    That sort of thing ("booty calls") only works with "ex's". Stupid is as stupid does..., or you could turn it all around, avoid all of the BS, and just move on with the girl you're now with. :dunno:

    Whatever opened up the possibility of getting back with your ex anyway ?
     
  5. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    well, that possiblilty was always there. Our break up was more of just a break. My ex has always been really open to my "kissing" other girls and has in many instances convinced me to make out with her friends while she watched. She is kind of a freak :hsd:. She didn't have a problem with me hooking up with other girls while we were apart as long as I didn't sexor them. When I started hooking up with girls, this happened. I pretty much know what I have to do, I just felt like venting a little. Thanks though OT.
     
  6. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Sorry, but no matter how much of a freak the ex may have been, that does not sound normal for a serious relationship. And a break? That just means "I want to go fool around with other people, but still keep you areound as a safety net". It's worse than an actual break up, because with a break up, you're not being used.

    At least right now, it looks like you and the ex don't really have a future together. I'd suggest moving on from your ex...keep waiting for her if you want, but it's doubtful it will ever happen.

    Here's the deal. Your ex probably has no real interest in being with you, but it probably is a major ego boost to her that she has you waiting for her. I said it before, I'll say it again. You're being used and manipulated.

    Move on, and focus on getting a decent girl now, instead of just waiting and waiting on someone who likely doesn't want to be with you.
     
  7. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Shame on you for doing this, you knew what was happening all along.

    Regardless, your ex is your ex, leave it that way. Before you wreck this current relationship, YES IT IS A RELATIONSHIP, think carefully.

    You might value it more than you think, once you realize your ex is GONE and should stay that way.
     
  8. -argonaut-

    -argonaut- New Member

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    You dog, you ! :nono:
    I hope it does'nt bite you in the ass.
     
  9. Vixxen

    Vixxen New Member

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  10. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    well, the thing is, I broke up with her. she isn't hooking up with other people. I know you can say "how do you know?" but I do. I am not sking for advice about my ex. I know how I feel about that situation and it is that we will eventually be back together. The problem is the new girl. I just don't want to hurt her. Like I said before, I was mostly venting not really looking for advice, except maybe how to let her down easy...
     
  11. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Here's how to save yourself some trouble.

    Don't get involved with any women in the future. I mean, you KNOW you and ex will be together, so it's just a mtter of time.

    Just wait it out and then you won't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings.

    What's the worst that could happen?

    OK, sarcasm aside...unless you live somewhere else than on this planet earth, a FEELING that you and ex will eventually get back together doesn't mean SQUAT!

    If you were meant to be together, why would you have broken up in the first place.

    Get over the oneitis, or wait on your ex forever, but don't get involved with anyone if you're just going to be waiting for someone else.
     
  12. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    A couple of birds told me you should move on.
     
  13. moses

    moses OMGWTFBBQ

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    best advice yet. why can't you take a chance on this new girl if you like her? you liked her enough to get with her more than once.
     
  14. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    So you told this girl you just wanted sex, and she does too, and now you're going to dump her for ... nothing? You haven't gotten back with your ex (and likely you won't, either) so you'd rather piss her off and make a fool of yourself?

    Just shut your mouth and relax. It's not like she is trying to marry you. :rolleyes:

    You make it seem like a bad thing that you are intimate with someone. There's nothing wrong with giving someone an orgasm.

    However, you ARE confused, and should get your priorities straight. If you want to be SINGLE, then dump her by telling her you want to be alone. If you want to get back with your ex, well, that's just lame.
     
  15. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    I sort of agree, however, I don't agree with the whole don't get back with the ex part. I think I'm going to just tell her that, "I'm confused and don't know what I want. I like you, but obviously I just got out of a four year relationship and I just need a little while to think." (not in so few words)
     
  16. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    You know, the whole "I'm confused" line is such - nothing personal - pussy bullshit. Don't be such a whiney little crybaby, basically. Be an adult about this. If you want to drive a woman away, by all means start talking to her about your emotional weakness and how you are still in love with your ex. By even bringing UP your old relationship, she is going to *immediately* know you are still thinking about your ex. It's completely transparent to most women. She will, in all likelihood, be kind to you and say she completely understands, and then she will also dump you (like your ex? :dunno: )

    Stop being so immature about this stuff. These are real people you are dealing with, and you're acting like she is your mother/therapist. Real women don't want to hear about all your little relationship problems. They want a man who is fun to be with, who flirts and jokes, is sexual, and is a leader. When you come crawling to her with this kind of stuff, it makes you look like a loser.

    I think you should by all means continue to think about what is going on, and ask for advice here on the forums, or from other MALE friends, but bringing this to her is going to make you less attractive. The most important thing most guys fail to understand is that you have to make women be attracted TO you. How is your behavior attractive? :dunno:

    Think about it like this: If you were on a first date with this woman (or any woman, for that matter) would you talk to her like this? Every day you spend with a woman should be like your first date. This is why you don't want to over-do your first date, and why you need to be yourself, and you must pull yourself up from this self-pity and be reasonable and fun to be around.

    If you're down, depressed, sure - that's completely normal - just don't take it out on your woman. Get out of the house, work on your car, hang out with some guy friends and get their input (if they have any clue at all.)

    The only thing you're doing by talking to her like that is shooting yourself in the foot!
     
  17. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    ok, first of all, as I already said, I broke up with my ex, not the other way around. secon, I also already said, I don't want to be with girl #2, and I'm not dating her, so if she "breaks up" with me, fine I'm not really that worried about it. I just don't like anyone to hate me. If she understands and is ok with it just doesent want to hook up anymore, then I would feel a lot better and not have to put shit on OT about how it was bothering me. Please read the thread before you start coming in here calling me a pussy and a "whiney little crybaby." I have no problem getting women or making them attracted to me. I do take it personally when people come into the assylum of all places and start making me feel like an asshole or an idiot. I post in here because I'm supposed to not be criticized, yet everytime I do I get four or five people who are genuinly trying to give advice and 2 or 3 assholes who start telling me I'm immature for feeling the way I do.
     
  18. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Poco's not really insulting you. He's just advising you to be direct with her. If you want to end things with her, be direct, and tell her that. If you want things to continue as they are, don't say a thing.

    If you tell her "You're confused", she's almost guaranteed to ask why. You'll then mention something about your ex...she'll know you still think about your ex, and thus still want to be with your ex. She'll then lose you, because honestly, who wants to be with someone who wants to be with someone else?

    I think you know that this is what that this is what will happen, or that you at least DO know what you want. So, just be clear about that in your mind, and tell the girl if you don't want to be with her.

    If the situation was reversed, and some girl you were having sex with you came at you with the line "I'm confused, and don't really know what I want", what would you think?

    I'm guessing you would know that that means that she doesn't want to be with you.

    Men and women BOTH know what that phrase means.

    Skip the vagueness, save yourself some time and energy, and just be honest and direct.
     
  19. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    thats what I'm trying to do, but everyone is telling me not to do that...
     
  20. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    fortunately it doesn't sound like you are leading her on as much as he did.

    You should be OK, Be polite, but be clear. I guess the best thing I can think of is to speak in the same way as if you were telling your boss that you wanted to quit your job. You're not angry or upset, but things aren't working out the way you wanted them to.
     
  21. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    so last night I went out to a bar for a mutual friend of all 3 of ours 21st. I was blacked out and apparently had a really long serious conversation with girl #2 at the bar but don't really remember what I said. The parts I do remember were basicly, "I'm still really in love with my ex gf but I do like you. The most important thing to me is that we be friends, so if we have to stop doing what we are doing for that to happen then I think we should." I woke up in her bed with her. I was fully clothed and there was a trash can next to me full of vomit. I don't really know where I am at with her, but considering all of my best friends were there and she was the one that decided to drive me home and take care of me, I guess that means she doesent completely hate me. Apparently she had to get one of her other guy friends that she had driven home to carry me to her bed. I'm not really sure where we are as far as being friends or more than that, but I think I realized today that I plan on trying to see where things go with this girl if I didn't already fuck it up. If I did, oh well, at least we can still be friends. It really made me realize how much I did like her when she could still take care of me after I confessed my love of another girl to her. I feel a lot better about the whole situation no matter how it turns out because at least I was 100% honest with her finally... or at least I think I was. The parts I remember were 100% honest.
     
  22. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    so, me and girl number one talked like a month ago for the last time. She read my text messages and got really mad about something that wasn't even what it sounded like. She shouldn't have been reading my text's anyways much less getting mad about them since we werent even together. I said the meanest things I have ever said to anyone in my entire life and we are no longer on speaking terms. Since then I have tried to move on. I am pretty much dating girl #2 now. I think she is very attractive and she is always nice to me. She always wants to hang out when I want to, but also gives me my space. She doesn't get mad at me getting to drunk, and she takes care of me when I do. Heres the problem. in spite of all these things, she just doesn't make me feel the way girl #1 did. I never believed in love at first sight, but that is exactly what happened with girl #1. I really like girl #2, and I feel like if she can't make me feel that way again, no one ever will. I feel like I learned a lot about my relationship with girl 1 by having this relationship with girl 2 and I wish there was someway for me to show girl #1 that although the things I did with girl #2 hurt her, in the long run it could make me a far better person for her. When we finally ended the talking, I was in a very bad place in my life. I was smoking pot everyday, smoking cigs, dipping, not working out, on anti-depressants, unemployed, and I had just medically withdrawn from all of my classes for mental health reasons. Since then, I have gotten a job, quit all substance abuse, gotten off the meds, and started working out again. I didn't do it for her, I did it for myself and I'm very proud of that. However, I feel like if she could see inside of my head now, we could be together and be happy again, but I think I might have ruined that chance with the things I said to her. I'm in such pain I can't sleep at all at night. I have been awake for 51 hours now and I just want to hear her voice... I don't know what to do.
     
  23. sublime335

    sublime335 New Member

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    Also I sent her an email about 3 weeks ago saying this, "
    I truely am sorry for what i said to you last time we talked. I was mad that we were finally ending it on a misunderstanding. On the other hand, I think you are right. I don't think it can work. I love you, I really do, but I guess it just isn't enough. I didn't lie to you. everything I told you was the truth and i really wasent talking to her anymore. I can't make you forget the terrible things that I said to you and I can't blame you if you don't forgive me. Its probably better if you don't so you can finally move on"
     

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