How to just step back and let things happen...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Dorn, Oct 24, 2006.

  1. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    The back story is this: About a month and a half ago, my ex and I broke up. We didn't talk for a couple weeks, then started talking a little bit, then started hanging out again. It came out that we both wanted to get back together, but we had issues we needed to deal with first. We needed to learn how to be a little bit more open to each other when something bothered us, we needed to be able know we can go out with each other's friends and have a fun time and not just sit at the house all the time, and we needed to stop the arguing. I also have a major anger issue and took a lot of stuff out on her I shouldn't have. I've since started going to counseling for this issue.

    So, the talk of us getting back together has come up a lot recently. However, we know we can't just jump into a relationship again because we don't know if all of the issues have started or have passed us by. We agreed the best thing to do is just go back to the way we were before we entered the relationship, the dating stage.

    However, this is the problem. There's so much feelings there, I don't know how to go back to that stage, though I really want to. I look back and saw just how easy things were, we had a lot of fun together. We went on dates here and there, hung out here and there, it that was it. We went out with our own friends and had fun, whatever.

    I know it's the best thing to do, but how do I get back there? How do I go back to not having her in my mind at all times of the day and wondering where this is going to go? How do I go back to being extremely happy seeing her maybe twice a week, and not worrying much about her the other days of the week?

    The bad thing is this too: I'm moving in a little over two months to San Diego, and she's moving down there about 5 months after me. She's not going for me, she's going for school. However, in my mind, I have the thought that if we don't get back together before I leave, I'm going to lose her forever, and I don't want that. I'm almost looking at it as if I have two months to get her back, or everything is done.

    I dunno. Advice?
     
  2. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    you can't go back in time. it just doesn't happen.

    like you say you broke up for a reason, or more than 1.. unless those reasons have been mitigated there's no point getting back together.
     
  3. [DWI]

    [DWI] Master of Nothing

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    you can't go back in time and you can't go back to dating like that, there is just too much history and too much has changed since then for you to even really think about doing it, most likely any attempt to do so will only be one or both of you pretending to be back there while feeling all those feelings.

    Kinks is right, you two broke up for a reason, unless those reason have been fixed/corrected there really is no point in getting back together. You might have fun at first again, but then the same old problems will start to crop up and you will start the whole path the the breakup all over again.

    I recently got back together with an EX, we had been apart for about a month month and a half. But in that one month we had both gotten our shit straight, I didn't realize until we were apart how much we had actually been holding each other back or how much I had not done for fear of what she would think of it. Losing her also gave me the added motivation I needed to start doing things that I had been thinking I needed to do anyways.

    You have to get back together in your own way, I had the mind set you have going back into things at the very beginning start over from square one its a new first date blah blah blah. Yeah that worked for all of a couple hours. Everyone has to get back together in their own way.

    Most importantly you CANNOT change and do fix any problems for her you have to do it for YOURSELF. Otherwise you will start slipping back into your old ways.

    At the time we got back together I had given up almost all hope of getting back together and was fully trying to move on and find someone new, that very well may have been a key is I was almost completely over her and ready for whatever came next.
     
  4. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Your lack of self control (anger) and recognizing it is a massive breakthrough, in my opinion. I would suggest you take the time to work on that.

    Getting back with an ex is about the worst thing you can do to yourself. The whole point is that you need to learn from your mistakes and then move forward in life. By stepping back into a bad relationship you cannot "reinvent" yourself, and all of your bad traits are known by her. In essence, you are stuck in the past while the world passes you by.

    To be single and work on being a better, more mature, and more stable adult male is a good thing. You will then likely meet another woman with whom you can start from scratch with and always be that great man in her eyes. With your ex, you are always damaged goods.

    Once you dump a woman, or vice versa, it seems to be pretty unlikely things will work out for the best.

    Hold your head up high and step forward into the unknown.
     
  5. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    I almost look at portions of you as the way I am. When we broke up, I realized there were a lot of things that I never did when I was with her that I wanted to do. I've started to do some of those things, and oddly enough, she's been included in them and there's been no problem there.

    When you sum it all up, we broke up because we were arguing a lot. When you break that arguing down, it was because of the lack of communication between us sometimes in what bothered us. And it was because of my anger issues.

    I'm not going to counseling to repair things with her, I'm going to counseling to repair things with me. It's going to help me in relationships with my friends, my family, and whoever my future relationships may be with. But deep down inside, she is still a part of it because I know it's something that has to be on the road to being fixed before we can think about getting back together.

    In the time that we've been hanging out lately, we've been having a lot of fun together. We had one argument yesterday because of things that were really bothering me. I had surgery last week and the pain I'm in is frustrating me, and some things she had done was bothering me and I felt like she wasn't understanding me. We argued, hated it, and talked calmly a little bit later and things were fine.

    We both kind of look at things as everything can be fixed, it's just things that we need to do. I want to be a bigger part of her social life, something I never was, and we both need to work at that. We need to be more open, something we can both work at. And I need to fix my anger issue, something only I can work at.

    I was thinking today about what isn't there now that was there back when we first started dating that made things easier. I kept myself really busy. I went out with friends all the time, something I still do. I really sat down and concentrated on my schoolwork, something I do a little bit. But I was also going to the gym every day or every other day, something I haven't done since a month into our relationship. I need to get back into that I think, it's going to take my mind off of her and make me feel better. That's going to help things just happen.

    DWI, how are you guys doing now? Why did you break up in the first place?
     
  6. [DWI]

    [DWI] Master of Nothing

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    Wow sounds very very similar, but I'm sure they all do at some point.

    Anyways we had lots of little things wrong and I can't really point out one major one that ended it all. We argued a lot about anything and everything, we lied, we saw things that might be problems and decided that rather than talking about them we just pretended they never happened. There were many nights were we ended up crying on the phone angry and pissed, keep in mind that this is semi-long distance, about 1.5 hours apart and only get to see each other on weekends as it was. She isn't perfect and I won't make excuses for her either, but I know I did lots of dumb things in a couple arguments I got so scared of her leaving me that I threatened to end it all just so she couldn't be the one that did it. On top of that we had some trust issues, she told me an ex wanted to catch up I told her I was fine with that under certain circumstances, I didn't think it should be at night was the only one I flat out told her, anyways a few hours after I left one day he came over to her place at night and they watched a movie (I was not told that he was coming NOR the half dozen times I called while he was there, her not saying "I love you" was a big tip off.) I reamed her for that and it did damage to our relationship. Frankly she knew she had done things to damage my trust in her and towards the end really didn't care to put in the time. Anyways when it all came crashing down she was working for a week up in canada and I was blatantly honest about some issues I had, well she started drinking and met a guy, nothing really came of that, but the results was that she thought she could do better than me and was tired of trying.

    She wanted to do the "try and stay friends routine" during the month we were apart. Lets just say she would wind up calling me and actually have no reason for calling. There were maybe 5 days in the month she didn't call, there were plenty of times I didn't answer and when I did I was honest, but at the same time a bit of an ass (after all I figured chick dig assholes and what have I got to lose? certainly not her.) I'd say things like I hope I am not causing any stress in the relationship with the guy you've had a few dates with and then I'd say actually I was just being nice I don't give a damn if I am. I smoked cigars just to piss her off, I even crashed at her place one night (it was 2 AM I was driving home a 3 hour drive after flying home for 6 hours after drinking for 3 days straight and she offered a spare bed if I needed it.) and was sure to leave the cigar but where she would see it in the AM, just to be a little annoying I am my own man now and I will do what I want.

    Now the story gets interesting here, with the changes I made. First off her brother is my best friend and he goes to school in maine, so the weekend after we broke up (officially, it was a long drawn out fight with me trying to delay and get another chance and finally coming to my logical senses one day that any chance I had I was ruining by trying to force things.) I went up to visit him and got INSANELY drunk (5th of tequila, a six pack, a few doctor pepper bombs and apparently after the first blackout in my life I went to the pub and drank some more.) and I starting eating foods I would have told you a day earlier that I knew I hated, so that resulted in me trying almost everything I thought I hated during the period of that month (well it is still on going, I don't really know what I like or don't like.) it used to be meat and potatoes, hamburger and pizza, now I eat salads more often than pizza. The next thing I did was pick up a work out routine, running 2X's a week swimming 2X's a week and lifting 2-4X's a week. Following that I made some new friends (my life was a little too centered around her before hand.) I started going out to bars at night, going to football games, that kind of stuff, the college life that over the past few years I have missed for one reason or another (mostly due to one woman or another.) I also fixed my sleep cycles I used to sleep half the day and stay up half the night, now I get up in the AM and go to sleep before 2 AM. Then I took up a new hobby, guns. I had been thinking about doing it for a while, but her mother hated guns and I wasn't sure how she felt so I never took up the hobby. As soon as she was gone for sure I got a 30-06, followed quickly by an AK and then started working on my concealed weapons permit (got it after we got back together as well as a shotgun a 357 and a 1911.)

    Anyways even while I was doing all this I had been holding onto the hope that we might get back together at some point. At some point it died, I didn't care I was ready to tell her off. And then right about that point when everyone was telling me to tell her to fuck off and die, there was a click in her voice and how she was talking to be (she was out of town in Boise ID and I was shitfaced drunk every night for a week.) It seems that about the time I had given up my last hope . . . well as she put it she "couldn't like to herself anymore." she had apparently just tried to shut the door on everything that was us, but slowly she says she started to miss things about me and then everything. The night she came back from Boise she drove over to my place. We had both told ourselves to take it slow not to just right back into things and spread it out over weeks and months . . . yeah that didn't last past the first 30 minutes or so. Granted it isn't the same we are both being careful not to fall into old ruts again. If anything the time apart has made us more aware of everything we took for granted and everything we needed to work on. We know what we have and are willing to work at it again.

    As for how we are doing. Well its still new again. We've made some changes and my opinion is now we are better than we have ever been before.
     
  7. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    I look at that and see a lot of similarities.

    Basically, this is the whole story. This last time was actually our second relationship. The first one lasted 10 months. During that time, she graduated from high school and went to college in a town over. We were great until about a month into her going to college. She really, really changed and was not the person that I fell in love with. I started to change as well because I started to drift from my older friends and get with new friends. Things just got really stale. There weren't problems, they were just boring, we broke up. We didn't talk for another year and a half until this past February. We finally got in the relationship in July.

    In my mind, things were good the entire time. In her mind, they weren't. The week before we officially broke up, we had a long talk about things. She was set on breaking up that day, but we talked and she came to a sort of realization that things could be fixed if we tried. Over the course of the week, she just realized it wasn't there anymore and we shouldn't have to try, it should just be there. So we broke up.

    I was in a deep depression for about a week. I wasn't sure what she wanted, and it killed me. It killed me that she would just throw it all away. I finally called her one day and said we needed to get together and talk. I just flat out needed an answer. She said right now she can't do it, she didn't think she had the same feelings and what not. I said ok, that's all I needed, and we went our seperate ways.

    It was then that I really evaluated things and realized a lot. I needed to go to anger management counseling. I tended to bottle up emotions inside of me instead of talking about them, and they would all come out at once. I did it a lot to her this time, I did it to her last time, and I did it to my ex before her. I did it to my family too. So I started that. I realized I needed to start concentrating on my school work a little bit more. I needed to start meeting more people and go have fun with everyone. And I really started to take up golf again.

    We didn't really talk too much for about a week and a half, and then, like you, she would just call. We talked one day on AIM for 5-10 minutes, then about 10 minutes later she called me. She was at Target and she just wanted to talk. We ended up talking for about an hour, just about nothing at all. She invited me to go out shopping with her one night, then go grab some food. And it just started to snowball from there.

    She was sick a couple weeks ago. I ended up taking her some Nyquil and soup at like 1 in the morning just to be nice. I put her back to bed and went home and crashed. Woke up the next morning to a message from her saying that she really appreciated what I did and it made her realize some things. Over the next few days, I went over there almost everyday just to check up on her and take her food or meds or whatever. We ended up talking that weekend about things. She said she realized just how much I care for her, and it made her realize that there is a really good side to me that she always wanted to see but never did. It also made her realize she does still care for me a lot. We talked about getting back together. She said she sees us getting back together, but we can't right now because of the things we need to fix.

    Apparently there's a guy that she "developed" a crush on as well. However, she said she doesn't see them getting together because of a lot of reasons, the main one being that she can't date anyone because of her feelings for me. I continually give her crap about this. I'm not even sure what to think about that though.

    So right now, we decided the best thing we can do is just date each other again and see what happens. We need to go back and have fun with each other and not be worried about everything, just let it come back to us if it does. But I don't know how I'm supposed to do that easily. When we hang out, I have the urge to hold her hand still or put my arm around her or kiss her, and I don't know if it's right. We've had a lot of fun hanging out together since we started doing that again outside of yesterday. It's just complicated on both our parts. And I don't want to force the issue, but sometimes I really feel like I am.

    So yeah, that's about it. It's just a really complicated situation. And it sucks. I think about it too much sometimes. I shouldn't, but I do. I think it's more her saying things that hint she really wants to get back together, but then her actions don't show it.
     
  8. suckafuhreak

    suckafuhreak New Member

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    this is where i stand as of right now... it's quite complicated.
     
  9. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    Things have not moved at all. We had a long talk last night, however I did most of the talking. I just told her my thoughts on a lot of the things going on, why I want to try, and my thoughts on what's going to happen when I do move. She's still unsure on what she wants. She wants to sit down somewhere and have a long heart to heart talk about things and go from there.
     

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