How to help wife overcome molestation as a child?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by unforgiven, Nov 27, 2007.

  1. unforgiven

    unforgiven New Member

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    My wife and I have been having what's technically described as a "low sex marriage" (less than once every one to three months) for the past few years.

    Before we were married, she always seemed to have or get ideas on things to do in bed... or elsewhere and seemed to have a great sex drive.

    After we were married, it went downhill a little (as to be expected), then after the birth of our son (and because of some issues she and I had around that time), it sunk to an all time low, both intimacy and sex.

    I'm one of a few guys who likes foreplay along with intercourse. Anymore, it seems our sex (when we have it) is routine. She does nothing new, has no new ideas and doesn't seem open to any new ideas.

    One of the things that has suffered a lot is oral sex, which I enjoy. She still likes it when I do it to her, and I love doing it, but she reciprocates once in a very blue moon. Within the past 1-2 years it has been nothing.

    Not too long ago, she divulged a deep dark secret to me. When she was little, around 10 or so, she was playing at a friend's house. Her friend went upstairs to get a game. While her friend was gone, her friend's dad came out of the shower and approached her, exposed himself and asked her if she wanted to suck on it. Told her it tasted like a "tootsie pop". That's all she remembers if the incident and can't tell me what, if anything happened after that point, she thinks that maybe she has mentally blocked it. She wanted to tell me that so that I could understand her issue with doing that. I haven't told anybody about it per her request. She had a hard time telling me as she's never told anybody else. Her words were "how do you tell someone something when you yourself have never spoken the words?".

    I can understand how that would affect her, but don't understand why she seemed fine with it before, and then over the years it seemed to affect her more and more. I'm thinking it may even be affecting her sex drive to some point, but she won't admit to it.

    I want to help her confront and deal with that memory. Not just for me of course, but to help her and us. Her lack of intimacy and sex drive are starting to have an affect on our marriage, at least from my point of view. I would like to get some advice from people who have been through, contfonted or somehow have been involved with a situation like this and overcome it so that I can help her, and us.

    As a side note, this person was her neighbor growing up. He still lives in the same house and we were up visiting her father over thanksgiving. I was outside having a smoke and the guy she said did that was outside taking his dog out into his yard. It took every ounce of restraint I could muster to prevent me from going over and confronting (and more than likely injuring) the guy.

    To me, it seems that she never wants to talk about it, or that she thinks that she's said all she has to say about it. I want to help her confront and positively deal with it. We've been through a really rough patch this past summer and were in the crosshairs of getting a divorce because of some stupid things on both sides. We've since worked the majority of problems out and are now to the point of confronting and dealing with our intimacy and sex issues (I'm higher demand, she's little to none demand... in this day and age anyway).

    Thoughts? Advice?
     
  2. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

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    Couples counseling for the two of you to work out your issues as a couple and Individual couseling for her to broach the subject of that childhood incident.
     
  3. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    There is nothing you can do besides convincing her to see a therapist, she needs a qualified professional to deal with that. Don't try it since you have no idea what you are doing.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd: There's really nothing anyone in this forum can say. We aren't experts on anything of this sort.
     
  5. unforgiven

    unforgiven New Member

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    Well, we were going to a marriage counselor for a while where we made pretty good progress, although I believe the progress was mostly made outside of his office.

    We've since stopped going but are to have one last follow-up session. The sex/intimacy issue was the only thing left and he had recommended a book for us to read (which I've finished, and she's working on). We can't really continue to go anymore though since our neighbor was the only person we know and trust to watch our son while we're at a session, and she recently had an accident that left her pretty much inable to chase after a 2 year old, and taking our son with us to a session is pretty much discouraged and would be a huge distraction, so we're kind of stuck there.

    I somewhat figured that professional help for her would be the way to go. She would have to go by herself so that I could stay with our son. The only thing is going to be trying to convince her to go. She doesn't seem like she wants to deal with it, which I can't blame her for if it's going to dredge up old thoughts and feelings. She seems content to deal with it her own way.

    I guess the only thing I can do would be to make the suggestion, let her know that I would support it and leave the door open for her to walk through.

    I mostly just wanted to get some feedback from people in here that may have gone through such an experience themselves and find out what helped them cope, deal with and confront the problem.

    The other thing I want so badly is to make the guy pay for what he did to her. I know who he is and where he lives. It sickens me to think that he did this to my wife when she was an innocent little girl and has gotten away with it scott free for over 20 years. I've thought of leaving a note on his car saying that I know what he did, possibly even talking with his wife (who's borderline ready to leave him anyway from what I've heard). I know it's not something I should do, and I don't want to do something that I could get into legal trouble for if caught but I would just love for this guy to somehow regret what he did and to know that he and my wife aren't the only ones with knowledge of what happened. I want this guy to live in anxiety for the rest of his life because of what he did. Grrrr....
     
  6. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    theres always divorce
     
  7. unforgiven

    unforgiven New Member

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    Gee, thanks for the advice.
     
  8. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    :werd: i mean the best i can say is either get her to bury it or get her counseling.

    you didnt know about this before marriage? this sounds like something I would have dealt with beforehand. hindsight: 20/20
     
  9. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    This is why people get prenups. If you knew this before marriage I would've called this a 'deal breaker'

    And a SEX THERAPIST would help much more than a normal therapist.
     
  10. unforgiven

    unforgiven New Member

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    Well, I don't really think that this is something that was predicted on her part. No, I didn't know about this before we got married. We've been married for 5 years and I found out about this around 6 months ago.

    While I have to admit, if I were able to predict the current intimacy/sex situation, it would have definitely had an effect on my thoughts with regard to proprosal. I love her and my son. Divorce over something like this isn't close in thought, but it's something that I could see creating very large problems in the future, which is why I would like to get the ball rolling as soon as I can before we end up slipping back into something similar we were dealing with 3 months ago.
     
  11. nx2vgt

    nx2vgt New Member

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    umm my ex wife had the sam ething happen to her when she was younger also. the one thing i learned from the whole experience was they have to deal with it on there own if she dose not want to deal with it she wont sorry man wht i have experienced they just shut it out and part of the reason (small part) we got a divorce
     
  12. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    yea its a shitty situation, not going to lie, i never (almost never) advocate divorce when kids are involved. Its never good for them, usually makes the worse ppl overall, no matter what you think.

    hopefully counseling helps. and hopefully you can get her to go.
     
  13. Lokish

    Lokish New Member

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    I am very sorry to hear something like that happened to your wife. It can be hard for her to deal with, especially if she blocked part of those memories out.

    She doesn't sound ready to talk about it with anyone and I don't think she realizes just how much damage this issue is causing to your marriage because of the lack of intimacy. Sit down and discuss the effect this is having on your marriage, but make sure she does feel like you are laying blame or attacking her. If she doesn't remember what happened, you could suggest that she consider going to a regression therapist who would work with her to help her remember what happened, if possible.

    You have to keep in mind that she might not want to remember though. Some people who are abused as children prefer not to remember and just want to forget what little they do remember. They might not let themselves think about it for years until an event in their life triggers those memories and then they find themselves haunted. And if your wife falls into the trap of wanting to forget but still being tormented, it will be very difficult to get her to seek out any sort of outside help.

    Outside of suggesting that she seek out some professional councilling and trying to be supportive of her, there really is nothing you can do. If she doesn't want to see a councillor, you can't force her to and nagging her will most likely end up with her resenting you.
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2007
  14. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    +1 for therapy. there are trained professionals for this.
     
  15. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    I know it makes me a jerk, but every time I hear these stories they just sound like such crybaby bullshit. if thats all that happened she should get over it, and I just don't believe that the blocked out some actual sexual assault.

    a lewd comment and the sight of a penis is really no excuse for an otherwise healthy person being all messed up.
     
  16. T-R-T

    T-R-T New Member

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    :werd: My gf told me some story about how she was walking along with her sister (gf was 5 and here sister was maybe 6 or 7) and some guy stopped them and asked if they would like to see his cock? They thought he was talking about a rooster so they said yes. :rofl: He exposed himself and they ran away. They were both laughing about the story and neither of them has any issues with their sexuality.

    Honestly it just sounds like an excuse not to give you head.
     
  17. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Her child molestation has nothing to do with whats happening right now in your relationship, absolutely NOTHING...... She has to deal with that entirely on HER OWN. You should NOT be a security blanket

    Please post a picture of yourself and your wife for reference, if you don't maintain yourself/keep up your physical health and well being, as well as make sure your relationship is blossoming in terms of (giving each other enough space / introducing new things to do / chemistry and romance ) then your sex-life will suffer.

    Again, nothing to do with her past, this has to do with YOUR present.

    End of story.
     
  18. unforgiven

    unforgiven New Member

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    While I know all of you aren't professionals, I do appreciate the good advice some of you have given... but could do without some of the shallow somewhat inconsiderate advice others have.

    I can't say that I know exactly what's going on with her, whether it's just an excuse, or she actually does remember more past the "exposure" part and just won't tell me (I asked if he made her do anything or if she did and she said she doesn't remember). I'm operating from the perspective that it was a traumatizing experience that, if she actually has blocked memory of it, that it still subconsciously affects her.

    She's told me that she really wishes that she could do the things I want her to.

    As far as the "crybaby bullshit" comment is concerned... how the hell would you know? I myself know from my personal experiences that "getting over it" isn't nearly as easy as it is to say those words. Things affect people differently than it affects others, some are more callous to it, some are more influenced.

    As far as keeping up physical health and well being, I think we're okay in that department. We try to look good for each other. I'm 6' 189lbs, she's 5'2" and 110lbs. We're in the 25-32 age range, she looks younger than she is, me older. She gets looks from other guys and I get them from other girls (not nearly as much as she gets looks though). But no, I'm not going to post pictures of myself and her on here.

    One of the reasons I come here to ask honest questions is because of the ability to be anonymous to get personal advice and not have people that potentially know me on here know of our personal, intimate issues. I don't act like a jerk under the cover of anonymity as so many people do.
     
  19. ptwiggens

    ptwiggens New Member

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    That's what I was thinking...
     
  20. yankeeschick14

    yankeeschick14 New Member

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    ok so...here we go...

    Had similar but possibly more significant things happen to me as a child. dont let anyone tell you people cant suppress memories like that, because i did it myself.

    I know everyone is going to tell you she needs counseling, and maybe she does, but what worked for me was talking to my bf about it. he was the first person i ever told; when i told him, I cried for about 5 hours straight (no exaggeration-- I hadnt cried in years and years), because speaking the words out loud made it feel more real. However, i realized that the more i talked about it, the less power it had over me. Knowing that he knows, and he knows who it was (close family member), means I dont have to hide anything from him for the rest of my life: pressure off. After I started to talk about it, I was able to open up more sexually, and not have the fear of the kinds of behaviors that were forced upon me.

    I know that a professional is the best option, but I didnt take that route, and there are things you can do to help her, too. LISTEN to her if she needs you, just let her cry as long as she needs (she may begin to remember more if she just opens her mind), tell her you wont judge her and maybe promise you wont ever do anything to the guy, despite how difficult that could be, it may allieviate her distress a bit. You may be suprised as to how much better things could get.

    I'm sorry that you're having to go through this together, and I'm sorry she had that happen to her as a child. However, there is a life beyond that, and its clear that you want to work in that direction. Good job in that respect, and just keep trying to get her to open up to either you or the therapist.

    Sorry for the long post, and the rambling, maybe something in there will help.
     
  21. unforgiven

    unforgiven New Member

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    yankeeschick14, thank you for your input. It was very helpful. It's the type of insight I was hoping to get in here.
     
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    am i the only one who thinks therapists are quacks
     
  23. unforgiven

    unforgiven New Member

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    Hmm... I wonder how the human race ever survived without therapists, lawyers or politicians...

    I'm still going to encourage (not push) her to seek professional help with this and tell her that I'm willing to listen if she wants to talk about it. I think that the best course of action is for her to decide which route (or both) would be best for her.
     
  24. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    :werd:

    I think that is the best and only way for you to handle it.
     
  25. Tetragrammaton

    Tetragrammaton New Member

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    hopefully someone put a bullet in that guy's head
     

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