SRS how to help sick friend?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Walama, Jan 28, 2006.

  1. Walama

    Walama This is the mis-information age.

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    I've never posted for help in here, but I don't know who else to go to.

    I have a friend (female) who I've known for almost 10 years now, but we've become very good friends with over the last year or so (she broke up with her then-boyfriend last March). Well, she confided in me a few months ago that she was sick with something, and that it was serious, but wouldn't tell me what it was.

    Well, I eventually found out that she had an eating disorder (bulimia), amongst other things. She is VERY sensitive about it, and of course doesn't want to talk about it. She had been getting help, but I think she stopped at the end of the year last year. Right now, I am one of her closest, if not her closest friend.

    Anyway... she'd been doing ok for a while, but a few days ago she was really down and started dropping hints about how she'd been "sick" and how it wasn't a bug, but just her nerves, all the while describing (without actually saying it) that she wanted to lose weight because she was less valuable in her current state.

    So, after cryptic talk for a couple hours on AIM (she lives in Ohio, I moved to Indiana over the winter), I finally confronted her with it, and after a brief spat of denial, she got mad and signed off... we've only spoken just briefly twice since, nothing deep.

    Since I don't know what I'm doing, I should encourage her to see her counselor again, right? Maybe ask her how that's going? I don't want to push her away, but at the same time, when she's dropping hints like that, she obviously wants help...

    I really don't know wtf I'm doing, and it pains me so much not being able to do a damn thing. Does anyone have any experience with this? :hsd:

    cliffs: best friend is bulemic, want to help but not push away
     
  2. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    Holy Upchuck Batman.

    Bullemia is just nasty. She has to see someone professional. Encourage her to do so, even if she does push you away...actually you should DEMAND it, you could very well be saving her life. Don't give up on her.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I am familiar with bulimia and the people who have it , they tend to 'stick' in their problems. Or in other words, even if you have a solution (counseller and what not) they refuse to 'get out'.

    basically, you need to start at a whole other point. Namely (x fill in name) do you WANT to be cured from your bulimia. If they tend to go around it(exuses ,exuses exuses) say , no you don't want to be cured, because if you did they you would have gone to a counseller long ago)

    A lot of them are so fucked up in their minds that they refuse to goto a counseller, and embrace their disease to milk pity from other people. Because honestly if you look at yourself can you say 'oh (x fill in name) i can offer you the professional help you need?

    That's why its (porportionally useless) to talk to these people, because they aren't opening themselves up for you to heal them, or let you talk them into healing. You have to make a stance.

    Listen you can support them and love them, but you can't give them pity because that will only self destruct you. Your sitting behind your computer thinking ' i want to help this girl ' , while you are attempting it she will 'brush your efforts away'

    Another thing is that they will 'whine' how they did everything and already been 'to every possible suggestion you make' while in reality the effort that they should make within is zero and absent.

    Basically you have to say to them ' you have to kick your own ass and find a professional counseller to help you out of your disease'

    You also have to say ' i don't want to hear your stories, because you won't listen to me when i tell you that you need professional help, your not making a serious effort'

    This will hurt them, this will even break up the friendship, but her well being is above that friendship, and you should not let yourself be abused as an emotional crutch by a person that is sick, but refuses to cure herself. No pearls for the pigs.

    And this sounds awfully harsh, but see it as a warning off what is to come. The moment she starts to whine and complain is the moment when you know you have to say ' please understand that you need professional help that i can't give you' , you are damaging yourself and im beyond helping you if you don't want to help yourself.

    She might go something like (but i want to have help) , then you have to say, well stop contradicting yourself then and seek professional counselling. End of discussion, i don't want to talk more about it either because you have your life in your own hands.

    And you might get angry because im saying this , but you are the one who keeps dragging this situation to great lenghts instead of finding a cure for yourself.

    As long as she is willing to help herself, there is hope, and if she is refusing to help herself , you need to convince her she has to help herself and stop complaining as it leads to nowhere.
     
  4. Walama

    Walama This is the mis-information age.

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    Thanks, Darketernal.

    I know that she is not doing it for attention or pity. She has done a very good job hiding it, and even thought that what she was doing was normal ("I thought that everyone did this..." mentality).

    It's hard to say whether or not she will stop talking to me. I know that she has feelings for me, but when I realized that she is not nearly as far from being well as I thought she was, I cannot feel the same back. I want her to get well first, then we can work on a relationship.

    Well, she is still mad at me. I have yet to confront her, but we have yet to have a real conversation. She is avoiding a real conversation because she doesn't want the confrontation. I know it is extremely difficult for her, but I also know how deeply unhappy she is as a result of something in her that goes much deeper than just an image problem.

    So, I know I cannot help her directly... the trick is getting her help and still having a friend left over.
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You should follow Darketernal's advice given above.

    Realize that you may not be able to have a friend after its "over". But you can be a real friend by getting her help.

    Eventually, though it may take years, she will come to realize just how good of a friend you were.

    Or you can just continue to walk on eggshells, hoping to preserve the friendship....and watch her DIE.

    Your choice. Friend.
     

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