SRS How to get over fear of getting hurt in relationships?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by CaliforniaPlaya, Jul 15, 2007.

  1. CaliforniaPlaya

    CaliforniaPlaya New Member

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    Its been a few years since I've been in a serious relationship. I bought a home here in Cali a few years ago and have been working a lot lately either at the job or on the home. Obviously paying a mortgage in Cali isn't easy.

    So, things have finally settled down and I've done most of what I want to do. I actually started going back to school and want to finish up the few classes I need for my AA - 10 units left, but will take it slow and probably finish at the end of next year ('08). Not sure what I'll do then but I'll save that for a different post.

    I've met a few people there and one that I know is interested in me. I kind of feel the same way, but at the same time I'm also realizing that I really don't want to be in a serious relationship for fear of being hurt when it doesn't work out.

    I know that may sound silly, but I tend to be a very emotional person, especially for being a guy. I think part of that comes from being raised only by my mom and spending most of my young life only with female adults.

    So, basically I'm thinking that if I do get into a relationship, I won't take it very seriously and wont want to get emotionally attached for fear of getting hurt when it doesn't work out. At the same time, this isn't fair to the other person in the relationship. I'm thinking maybe just leave it at friends, because I would rather not get into a relationship at all than to get into one and get hurt in the end. Also, I know it won't make for a very good relationship if I'm already expecting its demise.

    So, how do I get over this???
     
  2. Takitome

    Takitome New Member

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    I have sort of the same issue, won't take relationships serious enough to get attached.. But for different reasons

    I'm sure there's alot of topics about this somewhere.

    You have to convince yourself it's a risk worth taking. You find someone you like, don't be afraid to show them your feelings toward them. Love is a curse and a blessing but it's also something vital you have to keep trying for. People need to be loved and to love someone. It's a huge part of living.

    I'm sure that sounds rich coming from me ;)
     
  3. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    i have the same fears you do. i'm extremely terrified of commitment. i'm afriad of hurting the other person. i'm afraid of them hurting me. i'm afriad of putting myself out on the line--i'm just afriad.
    i turned 20 last week and it was the most depressing day of my life. even though i had family all around me i never felt so alone. i couldn't stop crying. my eyes were tearing up the whole damn day. it was really hard not to let anyone see. on the outside i was all smiles, but inside i was tore up--screaming, crying, lost.
    in the 20 yrs of my life i've never had one bf. zero. zip. nada. there's been boys that i've liked and and who liked me but i've always convinced myself that i don't like them enough to give it a try....maybe a better one will come along and i'll only end up leaving him for the new one and so it was all just better to hold out, not get involved and save us both the heartache.
    but now, i regret it so much. i see people walking around hand-in-hand, so much in love--spoiling each other, having baby names for each other and i want it so much. i just want somebody to call my own you know. someone to tell me that everything's gonna be alrite...just someone to stand by me..so i'm not alone.

    i guess what they say is true: it's better to have loved than never to have love at all. love-- it's a scary thing. i fear it yet i yearn it.


    so i guess what i'm trying to say is...you shouldn't be afraid of love. i'm not anymore. or at least i'm trying to not let it run my life anymore. sure, i'm still afraid of putting myself out there, and getting my heart broken, but you know what???? i'm more scared of ending up alone. or worst, living in regret--constantly wondering about that one special boy that could have been.

    long story short. love hurts. love's complicated. love's confusing. yet it makes the world go round'. lol

    best wishes to you. :)
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Don't let a problem in the past prevent you from living in the future.

    You need to be like a castle gate closing yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself up to good people/things/events, if you let the enemy into your castle they will only end up destroying it(even if its family), and leaving you crying over the ruins.From there you can keep on crying, or rebuild your life, i advice you to rebuild your life.

    But let good people and things in, this because its not good to be a hermit. You are missing out wonderfull things and wonderfull people and experiences if you close yourself up from the world, just push the bad people out of your life, and keep the good ones in.
     
  5. CaliforniaPlaya

    CaliforniaPlaya New Member

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    It almost sounds like yours is fear of the unknown lost04. Your last sentence " long story short. love hurts. love's complicated. love's confusing. yet it makes the world go round'." is true, but I just have to ask, how do you know? It doesn't sound to me like you've ever been in love, maybe in like, but not love.
    Yours sounds more complicated than mine. Heck, I'm 35 (yes, i know I'm going back to school late, atleast I'm doing it) I shouldn't be feeling this way now. I've been in love, I've had people be in love with me (or so I think). Its not love that I'm scarred of, its losing it.
    My relationships tend to end in odd ways also. I seem to get the ones that don't know what they want. I've been told many times things like "you're the best thing thats happened to me, I love you, I don't want to lose you, but I want to go out with other people.". Or "you're too good to me, I love you so much, I don't deserve you, thats why I want to see other people.". WTF is that? I think thats what confuses me even more, that makes no sense. Maybe I need to start acting like a jerk in relationships. Or maybe thats just a nice way to say I suck. I dunno. :dunno:
    I think thats just one of the many ways in which men and women see things differently. A few buddies of mine have had relationships end in similar ways. When we talk about it, we're just like that makes no damn sense. But to women, it seems to make perfect sense.
    Happy Birthday lost04!!!
     
  6. CaliforniaPlaya

    CaliforniaPlaya New Member

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    And I know this, and give this advise to others. But sometimes knowing and doing are two different things. And this is definitely one of those times.
     
  7. lost04

    lost04 justme

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    you got me there. i've never been in loved.and i don't see it too often either. but i see it every day in my parents. and i see it everyday as i walk to school--an old couple walking together hand-in-hand. to me it's just the sweetest thing in the world. it makes the world go round' because it's something that people are always looking for. it's something that everyone needs (whether they admit it or not)--to love and be loved, it's what being humans is all about.

    i feel like i have soooooooooooo much love inside, you know?? like it's all just bottled up ready to be release.
    we'll see though. i'm talking to a guy that i really really really like. i want to just tell him. but again, i'm afriad. but not as afriad as i use to be. so hopefully i'll be able to release my love on him. lol no fears, right?? lol :x:
     
  8. I am actually at this same point in my life, though I have this wonderful girl chasing me, I know for a fact that I have a wonderful girl chasing me and to some extent I'm afraid of getting hurt again, so I'm keeping myself from getting emotionally attached. It could be the wrong way to go about it, but I hope it gets better in time.
     
  9. CaliforniaPlaya

    CaliforniaPlaya New Member

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    No fear lost04 . . . no fear!
    Best wishes, hope things work out for you and that guy, just try not to release all your love on him all at once. Don't wanna scare him away, ya kno! :cool:
     
  10. CaliforniaPlaya

    CaliforniaPlaya New Member

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    Guess I'm glad I'm not the only one.
    I dunno, just seems like not being in a relationship is easier and less painful than getting hurt by them in the end.
     
  11. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    You know what, South Park said it best...

     
  12. I'm stepping outside my realm soon and trying to see if this girl that cares about me is worth the shot and actively pursue her, but I'm scared of getting hurt again more than anything else.
     
  13. CaliforniaPlaya

    CaliforniaPlaya New Member

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    Good luck!
     
  14. ///M Pilot

    ///M Pilot New Member

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    Just don't let fear ground you.

    I've spent the last few years with a great woman, but I kept trying to keep her at a distance because I was a) afraid of being happy, and b) afraid of being hurt. I was in a shitty relationship before her that really screwed me up.

    However, all that did was keep distance between us, which turned the whole situation into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I got hurt in the end.
     
  15. pippystarluv

    pippystarluv New Member

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    honey, you'll never really get over anything in this life time... relationship is all about give and take (believe it or not). you'll have to learn how to cope with your fear... there isn't a real chance of overcoming it, it's life, end of story.
     

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