How to deal with an indecisive girl e.g. not sure if she wants a relationship or not

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by soccerbud, Apr 28, 2010.

  1. soccerbud

    soccerbud OT Supporter

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    background here: http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=4489678

    cliffnote on background:
    1) girl likes me and actively pursued me for 2 weeks. Asked me to hang out everyday, texted me constantly, cooked for me, had 1-on-1 romantic dinners, etc., etc.
    2) I asked her out on a date (we've been going on 1-on-1 dates ... however we never made dating official).
    3) Couple days after I asked her out on a date, she gave me the "we should just be friends speech." In hind sight, I think she got cold-feet b'c I asked her out (she doesn't want to commit to a relationship)
    4) Despite the "we should just be friends" speech she keeps inviting me to hangout and giving me mixed signals

    story:

    Anyways, the girl (same girl in the background story) have been calling me and inviting herself over to hangout for the past couple days or so.

    On Sunday, she invited herself over to watch a movie together. I took the initiative and put my arms around her while watching the movie. Next thing you know, her head was laying in my lap and we cuddled throughout the movie. Roommate was watching the movie with us in the same room ( so we couldn't fool around too much).

    On Monday, she invited herself over again to watch a movie. I made a move again. In the end, we cuddled, made out, fooled around, and then she fell asleep while cuddling with me.

    After she woke up, she told me frankly that she is feeling really confused (i appreciate her honesty actually).

    On one hand, she says she likes me, she's enjoys my company, she feels a connection between us, and she's physically attracted to me.

    On the other hand, Also, she's doesn't want to commit to a relationship. She enjoys the freedom of being single (the freedom to hangout with her friends and the freedom of meeting new people). Also, she's afraid that she will this friendship if we do date and things turn sour between us (she has had a bad experience like this before).

    Basically, at this point, she doesn't know what she wants. Sometimes she wants to pursue something romantically with me and sometimes she doesn't.

    What do I do from this point? She's a very deliberate girl, and she likes to thing things through and explore all of her options before she makes a decision.

    My female friend told me to back off, give her room + space, and let her work out things in her end. In addition, maybe backing off will also make her yearn for me more. My guy friend told me to strike the iron while its hot. I should actively pursuit her and nudge her decision towards dating me in some other sense.

    But I want to hear you opinions? :o
     
  2. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    She might be attracted to you, she might like spending time with you. But if she was REALLY into you she wouldn't have a problem dating you.

    You want two different things. Move on
     
  3. soccerbud

    soccerbud OT Supporter

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    good point. noted :hsd:
     
  4. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    she doesn't want a relationship, you can't really deal with it :dunno:

    enjoy it for what it is, if you want a relationship, find someone else
     
  5. Zee916

    Zee916 Engineering the world.......

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    Man, I just went through this same non sense. I'm gonna save you a lot of money, time and pain...... Move on ASAP.
     
  6. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    take friendship off the table if thats not what you want.

    Then she has a simple choice, relationship, or nothing. much less to be confused about.
     
  7. Soren

    Soren OT Supporter

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    god you're desperate
     
  8. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    Be fuck buddies?
     
  9. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    .

    Chicks make it abundantly clear when they're into you.

    ...unless they're intentionally playing games, which you don't want, either.

    Damn, why is it so hard for 2 people to say "hey, I like you." "hey, I like you too." OMG BETTER NOT SHOW TOO MUCH INTEREST.
     
  10. Undeclared

    Undeclared New Member

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    She enjoys her freedom, let her have it and just be fuck buddies.
     
  11. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    .
     
  12. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Get to the chopper!
     
  13. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    That's nice and all, but why are you still playing the passive role in all of this? I totally get thinking things through and exploring the options, but at this point it sounds like she's still going back and forth sending you mixed signals, and she's been at that game for some time now.

    Have enough respect for yourself to tell her point blank that she needs to make a decision by a specific day and time, or you'll be cutting off contact completely.

    Gentlemen of the vag, shall we remind this poor guy what we all know about what relationship advice to take and what to ignore, based on the bolded points alone?
     
  14. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    We can't assume that's an arrangement the OP is interested in (nor that it isn't.... but that isn't my point).
     
  15. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    This time the female got it right. Someone who isn't sure sometimes needs space, as being clingy will push them away.

    Striking while the iron is hot can be clingy if the person isn't sure what they want.

    Of course, if it's obvious that the person is TOTALLY into you, then strike while the iron is hot.
     
  16. Clancer

    Clancer New Member

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    Not to hijack this but I sorta have the same problem at the moment. I just straight up asked this girl "where is this relationship going?" and all she could tell me was something along the lines of "I dont know" and sending a lot of mixed signals.

    We havent talked to each other in 4 days now, and honestly I dont really feel the need to wait around for her. If she decides that she wants a relationship and still wants to hang out then Im down, but if I somehow get something going with another girl then I really dont feel bad about parting ways :dunno:
     
  17. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Meh.... I guess I'm just not that patient, especially not after the amount of time the OP and this girl have been playing these games. It's been long enough now that there's really no excuse for not being able to decide what she wants.

    My view is that with as many other fish are swimming in the sea, I'm not going to fall into the trap of oneitis with a girl who can't or won't totally invest after damn near a month of going back and forth.
     
  18. Kyoko

    Kyoko New Member

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    She wants to do all the "dating" things with you but still have the option to do it with someone else if a better guy came along. I can pretty much guarantee that she's just eating up the attention. She's probably doing it to you because she thinks you're a wimp. Which you are. Wimp.

    If you want to date her, grow some balls and tell her straight up, "I like you. I want to be exclusive with you. If you're worried about it ruining our friendship, then don't come over here and cuddle with me. And don't call me to have one-on-one nights with you anymore."
     
  19. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    she has low interest in you

    highly interested women are anything but indecisive

    her actions tell you everything - all you have to do is watch what she does and forget anything she says

    edit: i just read the post instead of going by the thread title - it appears she was interested initially but something you did must have communicated desperation and/or neediness and she lost interest

    cuddling early on generally comes across as needy ime

    bottom line is that you are now in the passive role and you are reacting to what she does instead of her reacting to you

    things tend to go better when the male is the aggressor, although i do see this starting to change with the youngsters
     
  20. Kyoko

    Kyoko New Member

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    :bowdown:
     
  21. Reign

    Reign Banned

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    Walk away... if she comes to you go for it again, other than that focus your attention on something else.
     
  22. soccerbud

    soccerbud OT Supporter

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    I was pretty aggressive at the beginning, and I asked her out after about 2 weeks after hanging out constantly.

    After talking to her, I feel I was too aggressive in seeking for some kind of commitment from her and that scared her since she was not ready to jump back in the dating scene. This is why I think its better to just lay off for a few weeks and let her figure things out on her end.
     
  23. soccerbud

    soccerbud OT Supporter

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    that's what I did. After I told her straight up that I like her and I want to date her, she got cold feed and gave me the "i think we should just be friends" speech. She went from hot to luke-warm overnight. That's why I am taking the passive, wait and see approach now.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2010
  24. Reign

    Reign Banned

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    So tell her I don't want to be just friends and tell her to hit the road.
     
  25. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    iron isnt hot. not really bad advice, just doesn't apply here.
     

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