SRS How to deal with a friend who is changing for the worse?(anonymous thread)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Dec 1, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    guys I know this is long, but please, if you would just read the whole thing it would make the most sense.

    So I have this friend who has been friends with me and my circle of friends for at least 7 years now. Went to high school with all of us, always kept in touch through college, etc. All of our friends are 24-26.

    He was always kind of quiet, but personable and quirky, and was fine to hang out with. He would spout off some nonsense every now and then but it was just part of his goofy personality, no problems.

    Lately however he is just becoming tedious to hang out with or be around. He'll play obnoxiously loud and unfunny youtube videos or internet memes as me and our other friends are trying to watch a football game or a baseball game. No one responds or comments on his video yet he sits there and laughs at it and makes it louder if no one comments. It's almost as if he has to be the center of attention ALL of the time now. He'll be constantly talking during games, and not normal conversation, just random nonsense that he thinks is funny (I guess) but no one else is laughing or pleased with it, we are just trying to enjoy the game and wouldn't mind hearing the commentary every now and then. He was not usually like this and I am unsure why he started to feel like he always has to be this attention whore.

    I suppose some of the problem is my patience is just wearing thin and I am at a breaking point with this acting like a child 90% of the time I/our friends are with him. It's just little things that add up to annoy me, for example... I recently adopted a dog from the shelter and have been trying to train him to be calm around people and to not be riled up and jumping on people or licking them all over 100% of the time, etc. I just want him to be a normal dog who plays with his toys, plays with humans with his toys, or plays when humans want to play. I don't want him to be running around jumping on everything... yet when the dog is just sitting there laying next to me or between me and a friend while we are chilling, for some reason he feels the need to come up and lay on it, or provoke it somehow to get it riled up or running away, etc. I've asked him more than once to not do that since

    I don't want my dog to think that being riled up or annoying my friends or other acquaintances is acceptable behavior. Along with this, for some reason, he has a problem with keeping things in his pockets. More than 50% of the time he is over, he'll lose his phone, his keys, trash, his cigarettes, his lighter either in my couch or on the ground, which has led to another minor but building problem. I have leftover candy from Halloween and I have no problem with anyone eating it, however I do have a problem if you eat it and leave the trash sitting on the ground for the dog to possibly eat/choke on. Everytime he has had these candies he has left the trash on the ground some way or another. First time I caught it after he left so I didn't ask him to please mind his litter and be more consciencious(sp?) about his surroundings. Second time (a few days later, Saturday)

    he left a big clump of them on the ground, which he claims his excuse is because he fell out of his chair (fucking around with the dog naturally) and he didn't realize it. No big deal admittedly, but I got the opportunity to tell him that I'd appreciate it if he made sure they got in the trash because I feel it is a concern for my new pup. Whatever, he doesn't really accept that it's his fault the dog will eat or try to eat whatever is on the ground but he is stubborn so I don't give him much grief. So yesterday he comes over, eats one, and immediately no less than 30 seconds after he eats one, the wrapper is on the ground no where near him and I just say "Cmon man, it wasn't even less than a minute this time, next time you eat them just throw out the wrapper immediately after, please" (the candy bin is maybe 4 feet from the trash can, there really is no reason to carry around the trash in your pockets especially when he can't seem to keep it there) and that turned into a whole big ordeal where he still never admitted any wrong doing or any feelings of guilt whatsoever. It was more as if it was my fault or the dog's fault than his for simply keeping tabs on himself.

    This turned into a whole conversation with him where I tried to tell him that lately I feel he has been purposefully annoying/attention whoring and that it isn't like him and he was never like this before. Told him that acting like a kid needs to stop or at least be toned down... Just because we aren't playing COD2 and you want to, doesn't mean you can keep asking to play it every ten minutes or just do annoying things and be a pain in the ass until you get your way. He didn't listen to anything I said or even want to change or realize that he was doing this. He simply sat and said "right" "ok" "yeah" condescendingly and tried to make up bullshit reasons why he wasn't in the wrong at all and how "if you don't like how I act then I guess you don't know me because that's me I've always been like that" yet he hasn't always been like that, because honestly, if he was, I wouldn't be his friend because I shouldn't have to babysit my friends.

    I guess I just wanted to rant on here but any suggestions on how to maybe get him to realize that he needs to stop acting childish especially when he doesn't get his way, and just to be more responsible with some things and act like a normal person for at least 75% of the time he is hanging out, is much appreciated.
     
  2. erynne936

    erynne936 my av is a car, but i'm a girl. stop calling me b OT Supporter

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    you can't change other people/their behavior. you can only change your reaction to it. maybe it's time to stop hanging out with him if is is so disrespectful to you in your home, especially about your dog's safety. it sounds like you don't enjoy hanging out with him anymore anyhow. people change and it seems over 7 years he has grown into a different person, and maybe you have too.
     
  3. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    Yeah, maybe it is time to stop hanging out with him.

    If you don't like the way he is acting, If you don't like that he is disrespecting your home and your dog, If you just find him annoying then maybe its time to distance yourself from him and move on without him.
     
  4. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    If the guy's no longer fun to hang out with...then don't hang out with him.

    This isn't a hard thing to deal with.
     
  5. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    You can either remove the triggers while he's in your home (remove access to annoying videos and candies and dog) or you can remove him. Do whatever suits you best. I think you'll find that having to expend the extra effort to make him less annoying is an annoyance in itself. If he doesn't respect your wishes and your property then stop inviting him over (and stop allowing your other friends to bring him, too).
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    erynne and Gus: I suppose you are both right. However I know deep down he isn't doing this on purpose because in reality, he is an easygoing passive guy who is a good friend. He's very unselfish and for the most part loyal to his friends. Plus all of the people I hang out with are his friends and really only friends so for me to stop hanging out with him would probably more so have to be his decision. I am not sure if/when he'll try to talk to me again but I really have nothing against the guy it's just when he acts like a child that it eventually gets to me... I'm not sure I want to totally disown the kid and to be honest I don't think it would be great for his health either...
     
  7. baldcahoot

    baldcahoot New Member

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    Maybe your friend is going through some stress right now and this has led him to act out in more self-centered, less pleasant ways.

    Have you tried reaching out to him to see why he might be suffering? It would be very sad if he was going through something and then his friends removed him from their lives without realizing he had some problems he could use support with.
     
  8. erynne936

    erynne936 my av is a car, but i'm a girl. stop calling me b OT Supporter

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    this is a very kind and thoughtful comment and i wish i had thought to say it myself!
     
  9. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    I had a friend like that. He went into the Army in 2001, and when he got back (from Germany) in 2005 things were different with him. It was like his growth was retarded from the rest of our group. He found it necessary to be loud and obnoxious and attempt to get our attention. I finally just stopped calling him. After a few years he was invited to my bachelor party, and before we left the gun range he stopped me and asked, "hey, you got some money I can borrow? I shot about $120 in ammo but only have $40 on me."
    I was so confused, I hadn't seen him in forever, and I didn't have any money with since I didn't know what we were going to do (my friends told me we were staying in for my bachelor party). I had to ask my best man to front him. I've not seen the guy since then, and I haven't gotten the money back from him either.

    Wow, my point is simple. Just because you've been friends this long, does that mean you need to remain friends? It may sound harsh, but if you're in a bad relationship with a significant other you'd probably end it as well.
     
  10. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    I had a roommate who was that stubborn and always refused to be blamed for things that he obviously did. I personally stopped dealing with him. :dunno: You could stop inviting him over to your house? Unless he's just coming over on his own, then I don't know...
     
  11. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Guys, thanks for the help and kind words. Yes, baldcahoot, I thought he might be going through some personal stress which is why I wasn't trying to make him feel attacked when I talked to him.

    Anyways, we cleared everything up, I gave him some time after I told him the small problems that were easily fixable and everything went as I expected. We aired our dirty laundry, agreed that it was petty shit and would be addressed, and then all of us chilled and things were fine.

    Thanks guys
     
  12. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    My guess is the guy values himself based on how much attention he can attract from others, and as you all are getting older and focusing on your own lives more, he's feeling less and less valuable and more and more desperate about it.
     
  13. Effervescent

    Effervescent New Member

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    Just break up with him. That's what you do when your friends go weird.

    You know, if they say rude things, or start being slutty or annoying, just get rid of them.

    You only need one best friend and EVERYONE else is just a seat filler.
     
  14. bowrofl

    bowrofl New Member

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    :ugh: You sound like a great friend. "Break up" with your friends once they get weird? What happened to people being there for their friends?
     
  15. Effervescent

    Effervescent New Member

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    Except your best friend.
     
  16. Rellik

    Rellik New Member

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    the whole purpose of friends or 'social alliances' is to benefit ourselves, since back when we were living in caves. so if a person disqualifies himself socially to such a degree that he makes people uncomfortable, and hes not good for anything else, why keep him around?
     
  17. oakback

    oakback New Member

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    Wow, I find that amazing that it went so well, kudos to you and your friends' maturity. Most people don't have that kind of relationship with their friends, I would have stopped inviting him and hanging out with him after he pretty much ignored or first attempts at pointing out his wrongdoings.
     

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