SRS How to cope with the death of a parent?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by fahrfrumlosin, May 11, 2006.

  1. fahrfrumlosin

    fahrfrumlosin OT Supporter

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    On 5/5/06, my father died in his sleep. I have so many regrets about it because last week I was very busy and the day he died, 2 hours prior I had only spoken maybe 5 words at most. I keep trying to tell myself he died peacefully and how many people would want to die. It was just the 3 of us, my mom, dad and I living at home. With my dad gone and my mom scared/unwilling to drive, I now carry the burden as the man and driver of the house. He left behind many objects that remind me of him. This includes, his cars, fishing gear, gun collection, baseball caps, his dog. He was 70 years old. For the first few days since he died, I was somewhat in denial. It didn't feel like he really was dead. It kinda felt like he was just away, fishing trip or out of town. Then the wake came. We had a 2-day wake then the funeral. The first time I saw him open coffin, I burst into tears. I had invited many of my friends, new and old (mostly people my dad had met over the years). They came by and it made me feel OK. The second day of the wake, I cried a little and again saw some friends I haven't seen in a while. The day of the funeral and the last time I would see my dad's body was very sad for me. I gave him a last hug and kiss goodbye. I narrated a reading at the mass and watch him get entombed.

    Then the loss really began to hit me. I find myself now waking up earlier, feeding and taking care of his dog (which I never did prior only when he was away), ironing my shirt and pants (he wouldn't let me do this but taught me how to), taking care of the house and bills (again another responsibility he was solely doing himself). After 5 bereavement days off, I decided to come into work today to get out of the house because my sadness was getting worse. I drove my mom to my uncle's and felt bad since she can't drive or be alone to long. Seeing her cry automatically makes me more sad.

    Handling his "estate" since he did not leave a will or payable on death checking account hurts too because as meticulous as he was in keeping records, he didnt really have a contingency plan. I think he believed he was going to live alot longer than he did. He left behind 3 cars, 2 of which are paid for so my mother gave 1 each to my brother and I with the last car which currently has a loan on it is up in the air. Luckily for us, both my parents names were on the house so it automatically falls to her.

    Today I'm going to the DMV to change title/ownership on the car my mom gave me...his 2003 350Z. As much as I wanted his car, I really did not want it under these circumstances. I feel guilty about it and feel like I'm betraying my dad. I can't concentrate at work and my friends, as supportive as they are I wish I could be with them all the time. I get depressed that sometimes my mother and I have family over, then when they leave my world turns black. I even called my house today, knowing no one was home wishing my dad would answer. I keep seeing my dad as if he were still around in all the places I would expect to see him and I wish it was real. I keep thinking about how not to long ago, now approximately 1 week ago that he was still around that I could go back in time and spend some more time with him. I have so many questions and I miss him deeply.
     
  2. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    :( :hug:

    Sorry for your loss man.

    What can I say? What's done is done, there's no sense in being depressed and wishing that you'd have spent more time with him. You have to move on with your life.

    I know it sounds harsh but it's the truth. I'm sure that where ever he is he would want the same thing for you. What I mean is that I'm sure he'd want you enjoying life rather than mourning him. You've paid your respects, it's time to build your life without him in it. You will get over this loss with time.

    I wish I could word this more "gently" but it's the truth and I will leave it at that. :hs:
     
  3. familyguy101

    familyguy101 New Member

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    things would definately be easier with him around. sometimes people need things to be put in perspective and this is an excellent trial for you. you'll only be stronger and wiser. think of brighter days, you can't take back mistakes like not spending time with him.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Its like this, if you died would you love to see your loved ones grieve,cry and be in great dispair over your death for many many years to come? Of course not, you would want them to live and cheer for their happyness. Your father is doing the same for you. So instead of dying for your father start LIVING for him!
     
  5. fahrfrumlosin

    fahrfrumlosin OT Supporter

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    How do I overcome this feeling of hopelessness. I keep replaying events in my head, from when I first saw my dad when my mom was screaming, the the 9-1-1 call, to waiting for EMS to arrive, to going to the hospital. Then when I walk around my house, I stare out into the hallway, and I can imagine my dad standing there, walking into his room and turning on the TV, because these events were so recent.

    It almost feels like my dad who died and the dad I'm imaging are 2 different people and i'm still waiting for my dad to come home from the hospital.

    Whats the point of life anymore?
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    *hugs* :hug:

    There is hope, those who are in darkness only have to look up to see the light. And may this light of your fathers memory of love shine as hope in your heart forever.
    Give yourself time and talk talk talk about all the stuff that has happend, search for support from loved ones, and support your mom who is having a rough time too.

    Life is like the ocean it gives and it takes.Its like sand that inevitably slips away from our hands. We must understand that we shouldn't grieve the moment of it slipping away, rather cherish the memories when it was in your hands, and being gratefull for the time that was given for you all to be together. Therefore give yourself and your mom time to heal, to pick up the pieces of your broken heart, glue them back together again and then when the time is right to move on with your life so that your fathers soul may rest in peace, and that your mind may be at ease that it all was natural, that his spirit is still watching over you, as his time (just like everyone once will) on earth had come. His spirit is alive and loves you very much, in this you should take ease,in the knowledge that he will keep cheering for you to live your life.
     
  7. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    :hug: TIME, and talking about how you are feeling will help ease the pain and hopelessness.
    I am so sorry for your loss.
     
  8. fahrfrumlosin

    fahrfrumlosin OT Supporter

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    Waking up was a lil easier today. I am very very very lucky to have a friend or 2 visit me each day and a loving fiancee that will come spend some time even though they're just being exposed to a very gloomy home. Last night, I decided from now on, I am watching TV in my parent's bedroom where my mom usually stays most of the time. I even plan on watching the yankees game tonight - something might dad used to do religiously (im not a big baseball person - yet).

    I can't shake the feeling of when I wake up, hoping this was all just a really bad dream....but its not. I didn't leave my mom crying today before leaving for work, i think that made another big difference.
     

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