SRS how to avoid simply 'filling the void'

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by michael, Aug 21, 2008.

  1. michael

    michael FLORIDA > *

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    i am a relationship addict and i get infatuated very easily.. i know i am looking for an outside source to make me happy..i am rational enough to realize it, but too helpless to control my mind and stop it from happening.

    anyone have any good exercises or suggestions to help?

    I just got out of a long-term relationship and I started talking to a girl I had a short-term relationship with..i know i started talking to her because I feel comfortable with her.. i like her, but I know i am just getting attached and feeling vulnerable because I don't want to be alone.. I dont know what to do.

    the lexapro isnt helping :(
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    It is YOU who makes YOU happy, and if you want to be happy you need to love and help others which is the only thing that can 'really' fil up the black hole in your soul, it is the meaning of life, as wel as setting goals and then taking the actions to meet your goals.

    Its ok to love her, let it all go be as happily as you can be by loving others. Just make sure you and others don't get hurt in the process. Next to that i think that you need to understand that life is about confronting your own personality, and instead of turning away, challeging the weaknesses that hold you back in life. Give yourself as many chances as you need.

    So it comes down to that you need to live your life first, and help others along the way. In a relationship however that love needs to go both ways so you two can be happy together, if i were you id focus on getting rid of the negativity in your life, and instead of considering this infatuation as a handicap, i would try to reap the benefits of it and just step on ride and enjoy it like a surfer who tries to catch that wave with his board on the sea.
     
  3. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    It's hard to suggest anything in regards to this. Maybe you know it mike, but I'm actually getting my PhD in psyc and i think it's something that you have to find for yourself (maybe with the help of a psychologist! who knew I could suggest this...). You can read "Existential Psychotherapy" by Irving Yalom, he deals with how people try to cope with 4 existential fears. Isolation is one fear and forgetting oneself through someone else is a strategy.

    It's hard to suggest anything like this. Maybe you should dwell on what is that void that you're trying to fill? Why is it that you feel you must fill that void? Why do you think you got to use this strategy to fight that void? Do you feel that this solution really is solving your problem ?
     
  4. michael

    michael FLORIDA > *

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    Abandonment issues from 3 step-fathers is probably what did me in.. I never talk to my real dad.. one of my step-dad's was an alcoholic that i lived with through my formative years.. from about 10-13.. I guess it's just a heap of stuff. :hs:

    I don't want to make myself out to be a victim, but I didn't do anything to deserve the trauma I went through when I was just a kid.. now I feel corrupted and damaged because of it.
     
  5. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    How is being in a relationship helping you deal with abandonment issues? What makes you go back with those girls?
     
  6. michael

    michael FLORIDA > *

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    Because at the time I feel safe.. I feel needed and useful. I find my joy in making them happy..its very co-dependent.
     
  7. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    I'm thinking that you're actually trying to answer my questions. I asked them not for my own interest, but to guide your train of thought so feel free to elaborate ;)
     
  8. michael

    michael FLORIDA > *

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    :o will do.
     
  9. Handsom3

    Handsom3 Our wrongs remain unrectified and our souls won't

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    I just got out of a long term relationship myself and before that one I was in another long term relationship so basically I haven't been single for the last 6 years. I'm just like you, the first thing I thought about after being done with this girl was I needed to get with someone else, however many of my good girlfriends stepped in and told me no. Hanging out with them really has helped, but I still get the feeling inside when I'm by myself. However, I've learned so much about myself without being with someone and kind of see how dependent I am on girls and how I feel "empty" with out one.

    Just take some time to yourself and this will pass and you'll feel much healthier about yourself. I know that I am starting too, finally....
     
  10. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    You know if you get abandoned you get seriously hurt because someone you depended on has put you like trash on the street, but its a life lesson at the same time, namely BE INDEPENDANT.

    You need to show yourself and others that you got a life of your own to live. Its hard when you get abandoned at young age because you aren't mature enough yet to be independant or have to grow up too fast making the individual very miserable and giving them feelings of lonelyness. But if you get abandoned, then its important at one given point to say. Ok , its a chapter of my life that i need to close. And you do that by becoming independant.

    My advice is to take your time to mature, and give yourself the proper nurturing in order to become independant. Don't trust or lean on others, this is something very personal, namely that you can to yourself, i can rely on myself with any help of others. This is how a natural maturing should have taken place, at one given point a parents child will fly out of the nest, because it has learned to fly on its own. This process of becoming independant is something you need to achieve. Only after you become independant you should say, i bring someone else in my life who i will share a life with. Not being dependant on her, but 'sharing' your life and love.

    Do not try to fly, before you have grown some wings ok?
     
  11. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    awesome :bowdown:

    i am currently relearning how to be an independent woman, which is actually odd for me. i have ALWAYS been independent, sometimes too independent for my own good.

    then i started dating this guy, and i fell head over heels in love. we talked about marriage [only guy that i have actually loved and/or felt a long term chemistry with] and moving to another state together when i graduated college.

    fast forward 2 years, and we're no longer together. :wtc: it was my fault, and i'm taking the necessary steps to fix the problems i made [via help with a counselor]. but, now i'm on my own, and i have to learn to take chances again. this should be a really exciting time in my life, and it only is a little bit. i mean, i'm graduating with 2 BS degrees, and i'm not settled down. i could quite possibly move anywhere in the US... i did that over 6 years ago, and i was ecstatic about it, but now i'm scared shitless. :rofl: :noes:

    any suggestions on how to jump-start that independent streak? :dunno:
     

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