SRS How stupid am I..

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Lucky K, Mar 20, 2008.

  1. Lucky K

    Lucky K New Member

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    Hi, appreciate all the advice in this subforum. I've gone through many of the threads here over many weeks, and they've helped me personally to no end.

    Anyway, theres this girl 'A' and me in 'love'. We keep no secrets from each other, and we know each others' past history very well (She's been in a couple of extremely short term relationships, and this is my first one).

    Theres this girl 'C' she is best friends with. They have been hanging out with two guys for a year now. (Conflicting schedules and distance factors have led to me meeting 'C' just once in the 3 months I've been together with 'A'). I'm a pretty short tempered and possessive type, and wasn't in favour of A going out to the movies and all with C and these two other guys, one of whom has the hots for my gf. She doesn't have those feelings for him, but nevertheless provides him with opportunities to flirt with her by hanging out with C and these 2 guys. Now I believe her, but do not appreciate her encouraging this flirtatious behaviour on his part. She hints that the other guy and C are on the verge of becoming a couple. She doesnt state this explicitly, but any half brained idiot would infer that from her accounts, and I trust that is the reason she 'chaperones' her friend C to these meetings with the two guys (who happen to be roommates).

    Being possessive, I throw a tantrum (probably not mature, I know, but my blood has a pretty low boiling point :( ) and question the need for her presence in the group since this virtually equates to her and C double dating those two guys. She says she has zero feelings for the flirtatious guy, accuses me of not trusting her and is hurt by my behaviour.. Our relationship cools down.

    Eventually we mend fences. Now, a month from then, it unintentionally slips out from her mouth that her best friend C is actually married for the past 2 years. Her husband lives 8 hours away and they live seperately while C completes her college graduation here in 6 months.

    This comes as a total shock to me. A lot of questions.
    A) Why the hell was this not disclosed to me earlier??? What sort of relationship are we in wherein she doesnt even bother to tell me her best friend is married??
    B) If C is married, why the hell try to insinuate that she and this guy are trying to hook up? Why is she encouraging this behaviour on C's part by accompanying her to these virtual double dates? Do marriage vows mean nothing to C or herself??
    C) She now says C has no feelings for this other guy, and if I had inferred from her ramblings that she did have feelings for this guy, I was sadly mistaken. Now, I am certainly gullible, but not stupid enough to misinterpret this so badly.
    D) Okay, assuming that C indeed doesnt have feelings for this guy, why the hell are they going to the movies and picnics with these 2 guys (one of whom flirts openly with my gf, by her own admission) when C is married, and my gf is my gf??


    I know posing these questions to my gf is going to be futile, as it'll just lead to her accusing me of not trusting her and doubting her character.

    Am I being too immature in wanting my gf to stop going to the movies with a guy who openly flirts with her (heck, she doesnt even have the chaperoning excuse anymore)? Its pretty obvious she enjoys the attention this flirty guy showers on her. It is no longer a case of her tolerating his advances for the sake of her best friend.

    The way I see it, I either am too immature and thus not ready for a serious relationship, or am a gullible, spineless fool being led around. Either way the relationship is doomed, isnt it?

    Sorry for the rambling on. Its just that the fact that my GF would conceal the fact that her best friend is married shocks me to no end. I now feel like you can't trust anyone with the truth.

    Cliffs:

    - GF hangs out with best friend, female named 'C' and two other guys, one of whom I'm led to believe is in the process of hooking up with C, and the other openly flirts with my GF.
    - I object to her hanging out with flirty guy. She accuses me of not trusting her.
    - A month later, it slips out of her mouth that her best friend C is actually married and living seperately from her husband due to career and education problems.
    - This shocks me. Either it means she encourages a married woman hooking up with another guy, or that the story of her trying to hook up with this other guy was just an excuse for her to continue basking in the attention showered on her by Mr flirty guy.
     
  2. Amanda Ann

    Amanda Ann New Member

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    Or maybe your girlfriend didn't encourage her friend to hook up at all? Maybe her friend is in an unhappy marriage and sought it on her own? Why does your girlfriend have to play an underlying role in her friend's infidelity? You said it yourself, you're possessive and pretty short tempered, maybe you need to look outside of the options that YOU want to see.

    As for not telling you about her marriage, maybe she figured you would react the way you're acting now and wanted to avoid it?
     
  3. Lucky K

    Lucky K New Member

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    Mate, who hides the marital status of best friend from an SO? My best friend, a great guy, is married, and that was one of the first things I told her even before I made my feelings for her clear and asked her out for a first date. What harm could have been done by telling me this at the start of the relationship? (She didn't even know I had a short temper until a month after we started dating which was when I brought up the topic of her hanging out with the flirt making me uncomfortable for the first time. I couldn't care less about how regular people behave with me in day to day life, and am therefore usually a calm guy. Its when loved ones hurt me that rankles me and makes me short tempered towards them. So my temper isn't an excuse for her not telling me about the marital status of her friend) When was she planning to disclose this to me? Was there ever going to be a good time to get that piece of information into the open once she hid it from me? There is absolutely no way she figured on hiding this from me because I'm possessive and short-tempered, because this is the sort of stuff you disclose at the start of a relationship. There is no reason she could have hid something as seemingly trivial as this from a loved one unless she herself felt that piece of info would make the loved one see her indulgence with the other 3 people as wrong/immoral.

    The marital status of a friend isn't really that vital a piece of information, but the purposeful hiding of it for so long is what makes it so sinister and so frustating for me.

    Besides there is also the matter of that flirtatious guy. He phones her regularly too, and on a couple of occasions she's mentioned to me in a wistful voice, that he hadn't called her in quite a while. How am I supposed to react to that? She doesnt mention this as merely an obversation, but in a manner that suggests she misses the attention he gives her by calling her up regularly.
     
  4. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    at first, when i thought C was single, it seemed to me to be perfectly reasonable for you girlfriend to go along, to act sort of as a "wing man" (probably what the other guy was doing too, although he may have had other intentions). but the fact that she is married makes the whole situation kind of fishy. why would two women in serious relationships be going on regular outings with two random men, when their SOs aren't even invited?

    I would ask her about it and see if she says they're all "just friends". if that's the case, ask if you can come along next time of if you all can get together and do something. if she says no, i would start to worry.
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    tagging along as a watchdog?

    that's fine, just make sure it doesn't look like that's what you're doing.

    if you're a bad actor, better not to do it at all?
     
  6. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    You would not let your BF do it... esp if the other girl was hotter than you. so dont act like its perfectly ok.
     
  7. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    she has poor taste in friends, or doesnt realize peoples friends are a reflection of the person.

    AKA

    Whores run in packs.

    Good luck.
     
  8. Lucky K

    Lucky K New Member

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    Thats what I figured too wrt my girl. I don't even feel angry at the flirty guy all that much to be honest, as much as I do at my GF. The guy and I are acquainted, and he's always behaved pleasantly with me on the rare occasions we cross paths in our place of work. Besides he rarely calls her up now (as I mentioned, it is my GF who is disappointed that he calls her up rarely nowadays). And I'm pretty sure he would stop flirting with her too if only she stopped encouraging him with a stern "no".


    So far I've resisted the temptation to ask her if I can tag along with them. I know for a fact that she would construe such a request as a sign of my mistrust for her and me wanting to 'keep tabs' on her and that guy. I've always considered that step a no-no for the healthy future of our relationship.

    I've just called her up now. When I asked her about why her friend C goes out with this other guy, she says she doesn't want to divulge her personal issues. Asked why she didn't atleast mention before that she was married, she expressed surprise at the fact that I was making a mountain out of a molehill. That this was such a trivial thing, and predictably she went on the defensive as usual and gave me the "We're all just good friends" line (in a tone of voice that is usually used for "Don't you dare doubt my character").
     
  9. Lucky K

    Lucky K New Member

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    God, you've articulated precisely what thoughts are presently running at the back of my mind, but I dare not say out aloud. :( Even if she herself is innocent, why let herself be party to this sort of a situation?
     
  10. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Maybe because she enjoys herself?

    Or because she enjoys the male attention, which confirms in her mind that she is with you because she chooses to be, not because she lacks options.
     
  11. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    or that shes cheating on you, or that she wants to know that you can be replaced or shes looking for the BBD
     
  12. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I wouldn't want to date a girl with such loose morals. She should be trying to talk her friend out of putting herself in a position where she would be likely to cheat.
     
  13. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    she should not keep friends who cheat on their husband.
     
  14. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    if he was like "i'm gonna be wingman for my buddy at the bar, there will be another girl there too" i'd be totally fine with it. if he went all the time, and i was never invited, i'd start to worry.
     
  15. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    seems weird to me. something must be odd if she is friends with a woman so willing to be unfaithful to her husband. have you ever met the husband?

    and couldn't you be like "oh i want to hang out to get to know these guys better, since they're your good friends and all"?
     
  16. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    now what if it was with a known man whore who has a wife?
     
  17. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :werd: If they were really all just good friends then she should want them to get to know you too.
     
  18. deadmeat

    deadmeat Active Member

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    The fact of the matter is she did keep secrets from you. Frankly, you can set a boundary with what you are comfortable with and go from there. If she's not capable of existing in your comfort zone, then at least you found out early.
     
  19. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    well i wouldn't be immediately pissed, i'd just be like "why are you encouraging this? what is the deal with him and his wife?"
     
  20. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    omgz those sluts omgz :noes:

    for some people, it's important to know their lover can be replaced, as it reestablishes the fact that they are there by choice rather than necessity.
     
  21. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    yea i know that.... i had a great gf in college i fucked it by validating myself like that
     
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    ok. i see where you are coming from.

    on the flip side, i don't think i'll be in any LTR's again where either party is not getting validation
     
  23. M.E.

    M.E. New Member

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    exactly, you're not at fault, screw anyone who says different, and drop that slore.
     
  24. Lucky K

    Lucky K New Member

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    Never even heard he existed until she blurted it out yesterday. And I've only met her best friend one too.

    Talked a bit more to her today. and she says her friend has problems in her marriage, and them going out with the other guys keeps her mind off the problems.

    She resents me suggesting she not see this flirty guy, says they're just good friends and she can't just stop seeing him because she knows him from before she even met me.

    There is also another issue of her remaining friends with another guy who had proposed marriage to her one day around 8 months back. They had been good friends for a while, and he just popped the question out of the blue. She doesn't find him physically attractive, and rejected his proposal. But they still remained friends (he's her shoulder to cry on...she tells him everything). Now, a couple of months after he had been rejected by my GF, he went ahead and hooked up with another good friend of my GF's. My GF told me once she was shocked how he just hooked up with her friend so soon after he had tried his luck with her. Where I'm going with this particular episode is this - my GF also used to hang out with this guy and her friend on quite a few occasions after those two had hooked up, but her friend was never told about how her current BF had once proposed marriage to my GF. When I asked her why they kept this girl in the dark about this, she said she didn't want to ruin the relationship this guy and her friend were in.


    This coupled with how she hid her best friends marital status from me shows that she just keeps inconvenient secrets from people just to stay involved in their lives and to avoid facing upto uncomfortable truths.

    I think I'm going to take the general advice in this thread and end it with her. I can't see a future with her now. I kept no secrets from her, even told her about a two year episode in my life wherein I just dropped out of college. That's something I'm terribly ashamed of, and she's the only one other than my family and best friends whom I've confided in about. Yet she thinks it perfectly fine to keep stuff like this from me. I can still remember the gasp she let out over the phone line when she realised she had blurted out the thing she had been keeping from me for whatever reason. Makes my blood boil.
     
  25. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    You ought to be encouraging her. You ought not be repressing her.

    Here's why:

    1. You should want to be good for your girlfriend.

    2. Friendships - be they with males or females - are good for your girlfriend.

    If you don't want to be good for your girlfriend, dump her and save yourselves both some pain.
     

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