SRS How self-centered can someone be?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by BadKat, Jan 6, 2010.

  1. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    I honestly don't understand how someone can be so completely self-centered and ignorant :hsd:

    My Sister and I don't see eye to eye and have spoken twice since April, only because our Grandfather was having surgery and she didn't think anyone had told me (I live across the country). She and I had a HUGE blow out last April because she found out her 15yo son wants to move in with me. Despite the fact that he approached me and I then told him he needed to talk to his Mom, she blames me for his wanting to leave her house (he's now living with his Dad whom I talk to :hsd:). You can't approach my Sister about anything she might not like. You can't joke around with her in any way that she might take offense to. In arguments, she always has to win even when she's blatantly wrong.

    The latest in her self-centered centric statements/opinions came in the form of a conversation she was having with our parents. She literally told our parents that the only reason I came at the end of last March and into April was specifically to ruin her Birthday:ugh: Never mind the fact that my parents chose the dates for my trip because they paid for the plane tickets. Oh the fact that in the time of my being there, my nephew (the one already mentioned), Mom, the Sister in question AND our Dad all had Birthdays (there's 4 Birthdays in a two week stretch).

    Not to mention that the night before I arrived, she claimed her daughter had some sort of "issue" that prevented her from going to school and had her daughter stay at our parents. Then left her there for two more days before I finally had had enough. My niece spends the night all the time with my parents, she's with them a lot and I don't mind that, but it was also preventing MY daughter from having any one-on-one time with her Grandparents. My niece gets one-on-one time all the time, was it really too much to ask that MY daughter have some as well? Especially when we hadn't seen them in a year and a half? Oh, and my niece was perfectly fine.

    Any suggestions on how to handle this? I'm on the verge of telling my parents that I simply don't even want to come out now because of her. And my parents refuse to fly out here (they're older, have some health issues that makes long flights like that very uncomfortable for them). I love my parents and I want my daughter to have a relationship with them, but it's sooo stressful to even call them anymore in case my Sister is there, let alone to visit.
     
  2. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    If you want to see your parents, your sister can fuck off. Seriously, it's none of her business and you may need to be assertive here. You and your daughter have separate relationships with your parents and it's OK to ask for time alone with them whether or not your sister likes it...which she probably won't.

    I have complicated relationships with my family members also. I think most people do because family reminds us so much of that which we hate about ourselves. We recognize behaviors in them that we see in ourselves and many of these are unwanted so we work to change them while our siblings seems to carry on, blissfully unaware of their shortcomings and their affects on us.

    It's OK to have boundaries. It's OK to enforce these boundaries and be assertive when someone crosses them. It's OK for you to want to have alone time with your parents because you just can't or don't want to deal with your sister and her drama. It's also OK to tell this to your parents and ask them to honor your wishes.

    If I were in your shoes, I would never make a decision to not go see my parents just because of a sibling that was annoying. I would find a way to still go and avoid the annoying sibling or if I couldn't ignore them, I would certainly be assertive when they were either rude or unkind.
     
  3. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    Thanks Coottie.

    The second day I was there, I put my foot down and told my parents that if my niece - as much as I love her - was still there when I got back, I would pack up what I had unpacked and stay with someone else with my daughter because I felt that she deserved alone time with them. It wasn't so much for my benefit as it was for my daughter's. She's gotten a lot closer to them since the last visit, wanting to talk to them on the phone and such. I don't think that would have happened had she not gotten any alone time with them :sad2:

    My Sister has done this in the past, with our Older Sister. Those two didn't speak for 10 years and while they still don't call each other or go out together or anything like that, it took 10 years for them to be able to be in the same place at the same time.

    My Sister threw a HUGE fit when our oldest Sister had a baby shower and then again when I had one. She swore up and down that she didn't get one, which even I know was a big fat lie despite only being 10 at the time. She had a baby shower, it was just at her apartment with a few people because she was on bed rest and had a small apartment. Others who couldn't make it or didn't come because of the space issue dropped gifts off. But she had one! Yet in her mind, she didn't get one and she should be pitied because she didn't get a baby shower :rolleyes: And she pulls stunts like that ALL the time.
     
  4. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    You're welcome and good for you for being assertive. Keep being assertive when you need to be. As difficult as it may be it's important and you know that. I would also suggest that you try to practice "do no harm" when being assertive. We can make things worse when we confuse our motives. If you're being assertive to try and punish your sister, that's not as healthy as being assertive because you know your daughter and you need alone time with your parents.
    I'm afraid I might be in this boat with my brother. I seriously don't have any desire to see him and/or talk to him. By the same token, I don't want anything bad to happen to him I just can't deal with him sanely right now because it's just too difficult for me. It might be awhile before this changes but I'm actually ok with that at times....other times, not so much.
    Well you know what you could do is the next time she throws a fit like this just say, "Aww I'm sorry about that. Ok so when should we plan your shower because we need to make up for missing it." It might even be funny/healing to actually go through with the planning and execution of the shower. At least then she could never again claim that she never had a shower and you all might get a big laugh out of it.

    Maybe not....I don't know the people involved like you do but sometimes really calling someone out when they're on their pitty pot like she is can have a healing affect.
     
  5. HatSee

    HatSee Active Member

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    Sometimes you have shitty family, ignore them and try to stay away from them as best you can.

    I avoid several of my siblings because of who they are and how they act, some still act like little children and it's just not worth the drama of being near them or visiting, even though I live within a few hours tops of most of them now.

    Living with friends in a city not far away the worst drama I could have in a 6 month span was the garbage man was late that week and I had to toss the bag on a heap. Now it's assault charges, potential rape charges, custody battles, screaming, bickering, theft, CC fraud, drunken fights and who even knows what else.

    Shitty spot to be in, sorry. She could very well be this way till the day she dies, some people will never realize who and what they are.
     
  6. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    I haven't read a word other than 'sister'. Honestly - they aren't worth it. Remove yourself from their life and them from yours
     
  7. TheOutlawTorn

    TheOutlawTorn New Consequence Machine

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    She thinks the world revolves around her...

    You do what's right for you and your daughter. Period.
     
  8. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    Mom (Her Bio, my Step) said the same thing :hsd: No one can figure out why that is either. She wasn't raised like that :sad2:
     
  9. TheOutlawTorn

    TheOutlawTorn New Consequence Machine

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    :nuts: My brother is the same way. He doesn't have any children (thankfully), but he acts childish enough. He wasn't brought up that way, but he also has a sense of entitlement. He's got numerous addictions, pain killers, xanax, pot, occasionally cocaine, and he used to love cough syrup. He also loves to drink. I'm dreading when he turns 21 this September.

    But this isn't about him.

    All I can say is my friend, is to do what you've been doing. Put your foot down. Demand 1 on 1 time with your parents for you and your daughter. She clearly did that "on purpose". Seems like she's jealous of you and your daughter getting any sort of tension what so ever.

    That extends to the stupid baby shower shit. She got one. She just can't stand that you all got one. So she wants another one/ a better one.

    I'd go with the previous post: Offer to throw her another one. Hell...go as far as throwing one for her. It'd be the equivalent of calling her bluff. She may not go through with it, and she may get embarrassed. Which means she'll lash out. :o
     
  10. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    This pattern repeats so often in families. Sisters either love each other and "like" each other, or they love each other and don't like each other. Notice the theme?

    You may not agree or like what your sister is, and that's fine. The only way to solve it is to express it once in a nonoffensive way, and then accept her for who she is -- including her shortcomings, or not accept her and avoid her. If you have to stay at hotels instead of being around her when you go to visit, so be it.

    That's reality, and there is no alternative.
     
  11. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    Unfortunately, you're right (as usual). Fortunately, my Sister has escalated things further. I've just decided to avoid her at all costs. Luckily, I am able to call her Ex's house to speak to the kids. His new wife and I seem to be getting along great (phone calls, emails, FB interactions so far). His new Wife is all about Family and wants to make sure that myself and my parents still have access to the kids as long as the kids want it.

    A little over two weeks ago, she and her boyfriend had a HUGE blowout. He was drunk, supposedly and blacked out. He threatened my Sister and the kid, took knives to the kids bed and slashed all three, then threw the computer out of the window three stories. My nephew refused to go back, saying he was going to live with his Dad. My Sister about lost it, but at the same time, there's not a lot she can do. When her son went to visit her the following weekend, she went into his room (this is according to him, but he's not a liar, straight A student, good kid), shut the door and began a screaming at him. Instead of just standing there taking it, he yelled back. She then held him down and started hitting him. Long story short, he went to the Hospital with yet ANOTHER concussion (he's actually not allowed in school because he's had too many and one good jostle could kill him) and bruises all over his torso. I am simply disgusted at her actions.

    I would honestly say that I don't even love my Sister at this point, which is sad. If word came out that she had died, I wouldn't shed a single tear over her because when it comes to her, I feel empty. Nothing. Except maybe some anger.
     
  12. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I think what you're expressing is necessary. I am sure I would feel very similar.

    While there is no solution, expressing yourself and focusing on what you can change can be comforting to some extent. I told my brother how I felt -- after nearly 20 years of disconnection -- and I was able to let almost everything go. Some residual anger is present but mostly I've accepted our relationship for what it is. He said he understood. I was extremely fortunate because most people get "no understanding" when they finally express themselves. In-fact most of the time the other person minimizes your feelings and acts like they really aren't to be taken seriously.

    Our situation is not remotely similar to yours, but the process of tension, anger and moving through it is similar for a lot of people.
     
  13. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    Thanks everyone. It does feel nice to kind of get it off my chest, even if I can't tell my Sister to her face what an idiot she's being. I'm also glad no one's really suggested that I try and patch things up - it's never going to happen. But the upside is that I will still have contact with my nephew and niece, and that's important to me. Her oldest son isn't speaking to the family because of all this, which is sad, but it is what it is. The younger two will talk to me when I call, so that's a good thing. I'm thankful to have those two in my life and grateful that I can still be there for them.

    Again, thank you guys for listening and for your feed back. It's greatly appreciated and not unnoticed.
     
  14. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Wow.

    I guess I ought to commend you for being so civil. I'd have attempted to slap sense into her.
     
  15. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Is your niece living with her dad? She should be. The kind of shit your sister's BF is pulling doesn't sound safe at all.

    Also: :hug: I don't have that kind of drama in my family so no advice from experience... though it may help if you can find it in you to accept her at face value for who (and what) she is. Getting worked up over the stunts she pulls and her not being a better person is completely understandable but a waste of your time and energy. :hsd:
     
  16. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    Thank you.

    Her Dad is filing for Custody. We'll see how that goes. Aside from this thread, and when I have to talk to the parents about her, I waste no time on her. She's never going to change, so why bother? All I can do is keep her out of my life as best I can.
     

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