SRS How my gf lost interest

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Sep 9, 2006.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Over the course of the summer, I began to encounter stronger and increasingly frequent indicators of disinterest from my girlfriend.

    When you are in a relationship with someone - especially a new one - there are things you will do that will hurt the other person. They will often not be intentional, or more serious than intended. This is why relationships require communication and why they take some work.

    Whenever my girlfriend did something that hurt me, I would inform her. Originally I would do this in a somewhat guarded way (aggressively), but as I began to trust her more I began approaching these occasional incidents openly and vulnerably. Thus my end was satisfied.

    But she never complained. Not once. Now, I knew I couldn't be doing everything right. I remember I often would say to her, "I want you to complain. Smack me and stop telling me to be a dick. Here. Curse right now."
    "I can't (coy).."
    "Say 'Fuck you!' ... but make it good."
    "Fuck you (cutely/timidly)."
    "Fuck you," I said, correcting.
    "Fuck you!" she complied. Then I hugged her. She laughed.
    "You should nag me sometimes," I said.

    I remember having conversations like this a couple times. But she never did nag me. She never did tell me anything that bothered her ... and I was wrong. I thought it would create resentment towards me. I even said that. I said, "I feel like you are swallowing and repressing little things that bother you and it will breed resentment." But it didn't create resentment towards me ... it created disinterest.

    Only now, do I hear about things that bothered her (I can hear the passion and the hurt in her voice when she explains them to me) ... now that we're broken up. Now that all I can say is, "Why are you telling me this now?? Why didn't you tell me this when I could change it!???" Now, I have a sore throat.

    I am going to take some time to cool off and get over this and date around and then, because I believe in maintaining contact with meaningful people, I will tentatively resume communication with her. Once I can think about what happened without wanting to explode.

    I can NOT believe this fucking happened. I don't even know what I could have done differently ... I tried to get her to be comfortable talking about herself in so many good ways.

    This is a :rant: btw. Feel free to comment.

    edit: just to clarify, b/c I've gotten a lot of bizarre responses: I don't have any questions about what happened here. I'm not "wondering" if my ex-gf lost interest for the reasons stated above, I'm telling you guys affirmatively that she lost interest for the reasons stated above. Based on personal evidence and whatever insight I have into how people work. Please accept my assertion before posting in this thread ... you can attempt to debate if you want, but I will attempt to ignore you. I will answer any other comment ... if anyone wants to know some particular detail, for example, or to share their experiences, or just to say "that sucks for you, good luck." Not arguing. Ok. Kewl
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2006
  2. Zenmang

    Zenmang New Member

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    Don't think so analytically with women.
    Seems to me like you were trying to fix something what wasn't broken.

    What did you do that hurt her?
     
  3. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I don't think you understand people
     
  4. Zenmang

    Zenmang New Member

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    Closeminded ftl. oh well i hope you find your answer.
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    i did find it - see above
     
  6. Zenmang

    Zenmang New Member

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    With all your infinite wisdom of women, you were still not able to keep her were you?

    With the information that you provided, I came up with a possible conclusion. Since you decided not to hear my opinions as to why, you immediately thought my opinion was incorrect, without hearing me out further or even answering a question or two to figure out what the root of the problem is. :rolleyes:
     
  7. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    So then why did you ask for commentary if you don't want it? Sounds to me like your ex made the right move dumping your sorry ass.

    The problem with your relationship probably IS your fault, honestly. You kept pushing her to nag, complain, and be a bitch, and that's not what she wanted or how she deals/dealt with things. She didn't grow disinterested, she got sick of YOUR nagging, complaining, and being a bitch. You seem to think you know everything there is about the way people act, react, think, and should think; and in so thinking you've managed to alienate anyone who doesn't think exactly the way you think they should.
     
  8. Lindsay Loham

    Lindsay Loham New Member

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    I think you may have pushed her too much to complain about things and stuff. Some people just aren't like that.
     
  9. Los

    Los Active Member

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    How old is she?

    That could probably answer your question right there.
     
  10. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I was interested in commentary. I was not looking for an "answer" ... having found the answer already, I was interested in other people's experiences. I suppose I should have made that clear. I was telling you guys what happened. Telling. Not putting it up for debate ... there is too much evidence to put into words on the internet.
    Thank you very fucking much.
    Well if that was the case, she never told me so.

    ...
    ...
    ...

    Get it? DO YOU get it ... communication is self-evidently necessary.

    I feel like your relationship experience probably fills 1 post of text. People don't just lose interest because they are somewhat annoyed. They either never had it to begin with, or they get hurt and protect themselves by distancing.

    I "nagged" (meaning was funny or charismatic or vulnerable) less than ten times about this in 7 months. That's what sent her running?

    I am so totally not here to argue about this. I am TELLING you what happened ... feel free to comment, now that you have taken my word for it.
     
  11. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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    You mentioned that once the relationship was over, you found out what was bothering her. What did she tell you was bothering her that she didn't mention before?
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I would like to assert that all women have vaginas. But:
    Don't you guys like how this line of reasoning would render anything I say about women questionable? I could say that women have vaginas, I could turn blue in the face explaining the self-evidence of such a statement ... but then we must remember that, in my infinite wisdom, I was still not able to keep my girlfriend. Was I. Perhaps I should not hold so dearly to my so-called "knowledge." After all, with all that "knowledge," my gf still lost interest in me.

    Therefore, Zenmang, I agree with you: open communication may not be a necessary part of a stable relationship, and women may not have vaginas.

    Anyone else who would like to share their experience at this point is truly welcome.
     
  13. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    lots of very valid things. sometimes i made her feel dumb. sometimes i made her feel like i wasn't acknowledging her feelings. sometimes i would do something when she really, really didn't want me to do it. (Zenmang and his rabid virgin supporter will be interested to know that my honest and direct requests for her to communicate with me were not on the list of things that bothered her.)

    all of this shit is totally valid - i mean, it's the kind of stuff she did to me (everyone does it when starting a relationship, it just happens sometimes), except that I would bring it up and let her know that she was hurting me. and since she really did love me, she would stop doing it, not out of obligation, but b/c she cared that it hurt me.

    similarly, if i had known about all of the stuff that I was doing at the time that was hurting her ... well that's a moot point now. :wtc:
     
  14. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    This happened to me once...except in my case I managed to work it out with her. It was like she kept everything inside for too long, and then exploded in one day...but the explosion wasn't the end of us. It took a while to get over though.
    Y'know, she hasn't complained about anything in a while...maybe I should ask her what is still bugging her about me.
     
  15. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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    Chances are, her ways of communicating her displeasure with you wern't the direct reprimand you were looking for. She seems like the kind of person that would downplay her degree of resentment. While she wasn't shouting at you to stop being a dick, i doubt she did absolutely nothing to express her feelings. When you were doing things she really, really didn't want you to do, did you notice her discomfort with the situation? I'm curious as to what you did that she didn't want you to do. If she felt you were disregarding her, she probably became even more silent.

    While its great to tell someone to bring their frustrations out and speak freely, thats still hard for some people. you probably should have met her half way on that. like made more efforts to pick up on how she subtly communicates and if you think shes displeased, encourage her to explain whats making her feel that way as its occuring.

    ah well. :dunno:
     
  16. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    basically, you belittled her until she didnt like herself. That dislike of herself translated into wanting nothing to do with you (who cast a spotlight on it)

    makes sense to me. Next time, instead of asking her to complain, review your own behavior and offer apologies where you feel they're due

    edit: oh, and you violated her trust (doing stuff she really, really didnt want you to do)
     
  17. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    constantly? i was
     
  18. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    :mamoru: sounds like you were a little TOO focused on yourself.... like you never relaxed
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I am not an idiot. I can read body language and passive-aggressive tactics and connotations and hints and all those universal forms of implicit communication. I am not a moron. I was in love with this girl. I knew her intimately. I was quite sensitive to her particular methods of expressing herself. Thank you for pointing out that communication can be indirect. What I am describing here, however, is not indirect communication, but a flat lack of communication.
    you're right. my gf would show an indicator of disinterest some weeks later. however, when i asked her if something was wrong, she would tell me she was just tired, or in a bad mood, or whatever. she stuck by these short-term explanations, during those moments, so i had no choice but to try to believe her. that is, until a pattern emerged, at which point i realized that no reason of the moment could explain all those indicators when put together. unfortunately, by then it was too late.

    i hope I have assuaged your doubt. for good reason, people who come into this forum and create threads are immediately met with enormous suspicion. i hope now you can stop trying to read between the lines and read the lines themselves instead.
     
  20. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    could be ... that wasn't one of the things she brought up after the break-up, but u never know. well, u never know without some communication, anyways ;)
     
  21. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    You should check out some of Dr. Phil's books.

    I am being 100% serious too. I've read one of his books, and skimmed through another, and this guy gives some great advice, and his stuff is focused on relationships, not pickup.

    I don't have too much pride to admit that I am not the most knowledgable on relationships (relationships and pickup/attraction are nothing alike), and the things Dr. Phil wrote in his book helped me tremendously. Even though you seem to have this situation figured out, his stories and experiences are knowledge worth having for any situation.
     
  22. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    JJJ, sounds like this one bites the dust...good luck in your future realtionships. try to look at this one as a well-learned lesson
     
  23. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    thanks, I'll look into it
     
  24. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Yet another wonderful blanket statement; that's not true with 100% of people. And frankly, since the original post my reply was based on, you've now let out that you weren't telling the whole story. You can't expect meaningful/useful replies if you don't tell the whole story.

    For the record, YES people do lose interest because there are several annoying things that add up to the person being annoying enough to want to escape from them.

    And also, I'm not a "rabid virgin" -- WTF is wrong with you, dude? Not everyone has to live by your fucked up standards.
     
  25. Zenmang

    Zenmang New Member

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    When you make a person feel like this:

    It also means that this statement is false:

    You're damn rights that this is the one of the main things that's bothering her. When you make a person feel dumb and make her feelings invalid to you you directly close off communication with this person. It is indirectly on her list whether she knows it or not.

    Now your ablility to totally piss off almost everyone in this thread shows that you need to listen a little more than you have been.
    You put your drama in here you better expect that everyone wants to know what's going on.

    Again your ability to piss off everyone shows how you treat everyone around you and how little respect you hold for others you don't respect.
    More compassion to others regardless of whether you agree with them or not are in order. Maybe it will make you a better person when you grow up a bit.

    Now I don't need to hear your smart ass comments, as I know you'll probably make and if you don't make them, maybe you've calmed down a bit or became less of an asshole. Regardless construtive comments are much better right now for you than sarcastic and/or belittling ones.
     

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