How long to get over an ex?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by levit, Jun 27, 2008.

  1. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

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    I don't know what's wrong with me.

    It will be a year ago mid July that she dumped me originally. After that we became "exclusive friends with benefits" if that makes any sense, basically we didn't date except each other, but were not "attached" technically I guess. But we did that from last August until early December. After that she started dating my former (due to these events) best friend.

    Either way it has almost been a year from the initial breakup, and about 7 months since anything between us.

    I'm still not over her no matter how hard I try. I've been dating/seeing other girls, doing the single life thing. However I constantly find myself thinking of her still. Even worse is lately I've started having extremely vivid sex dreams about her. So vivid I feel like I can smell her, feel the sweat, taste her, etc., just like it was when we were together. It's very annoying.

    Why am I not over her? How can I get over her? I just want to move on with my life...
     
  2. City

    City Don't you know who I am?

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    Sounds like you're doing everything that you need to. Maybe since there was a best friend involved it hurts a little more. I basically just surrounded myself with friends and went to the bars, had the one night things with girls and just got it all out. Helped to talk about it to anyway that would listen.
     
  3. notsousual

    notsousual New Member

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    :hug:

    I completely know where you're coming from. Years ago I had almost the exact same thing (based on your description) happen to me. It's not like getting over a normal breakup, there is three times the pain there.

    The pain from losing the girl, the pain from losing the friend, and the pain of your trust being completely violated.

    In my instance, I experienced many of the same things you say (sans the sex dreams) and it seemed to take FOREVER. Then one day I decided I just simply needed to forgive them, because the only person I was hurting by hanging on to all this shit was myself. It had been almost a year exactly, and I arranged to have lunch with my former friend, told her most of the relevant things I had been thinking about, told her there was never a chance to be friends again (don't know about your friend, but mine still wanted to continue the friendship...yeah, no) and that I forgave her. Then I went to my ex separately, looked him in the eyes and told him the exact same thing, that I forgave him.

    It didn't immediately get better, but after that it felt like I was free again, and was actually able to go live my life and make all the changes I needed to. Now I hardly ever think of them, and even if I do, there is no negative stigma to it nor do I dwell on it. Just "Oh. This was her favorite song" and done.

    It takes time man, but give forgiving them some thought...even if it's not to their face like I did. :hs:
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2008
  4. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

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    Well yah it won't happen face to face if I decide to forgive them. Former friend did want to continue the friendship, I tried at first but that didn't work. Every time I saw him I just got angry.

    As for the ex, she'd never be willing to see me let alone talk to me again (at least from what she has said). So the only "forgiving" that would happen would be in my own thoughts and non-existent to her.

    Problem is I'm not ready to forgive them. I loved her, we dated for 3.5 years and were planning on getting married. He was my best friend of 9 years. It's all too painful to forgive, at least right now.
     
  5. notsousual

    notsousual New Member

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    I know exactly where you are coming from. My involvement (with him anyway, she was one of my closest friends) was much less than yours. Take all the time you need, but it will never really go away until you forgive them, even if it's just to yourself.

    Even if it's not face to face with either of them, if you wanted maybe you could send them an email whenever you are ready to forgive...and no matter their response at least you'll know you got it out there.

    Either way...best of luck. But as answer your actual question as best I can, one thing I learned and hung on to in sociology was that it takes an estimated 1/2 the time of the relationship to truly "get over" them. I personally don't think there is a deadline at all, and different people certainly deal with things differently...but after I heard that I've watched people around me, and it seems to be an accurate (if roughly sketched) timeline.

    :hsd:
     
  6. skych

    skych New Member

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    like many things, depends on the person/situation/how willing you are to forget it and get over everything
     
  7. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    time heals all wounds
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Oh man, I remember you!

    So do you still see or speak to her or your ex best friend?
     
  9. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Wow, I'm speechless.

    I can honestly say you've dealt with that a lot better than I would have. My first thought was how did you not resort to violence?

    I'm not a violent guy by any means but if this same exact scenario happened to me I know I would turn violent. I just know it would happen. :o

    Good job man, and keep your head up. It will get better.
     
  10. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    it takes me about 7 years to get over an ex
     
  11. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    you guys were together a long time, it was pretty serious (if you were planning on marrying her) and you were betrayed by her and your best friend. those facts make this all more painful, so its just going to take time. its good that you dont have any contact with her, so just keep it that way.

    like others have said, forgiving them might help you move on. but if you arent in a place yet where you want to, then you have to work through that first. you probably are still somewhat holding on to this pain cause you are hurt that you were betrayed, not just hurt that things were over between you and your girl. see if you can work on that aspect.

    i had my best friend start dating a guy i was dating behind my back (totally not as serious as your situation, i know) and it took me about 2 years to forgive her in my head and feel better about the situation. i had to really focus on the fact that they chose to do things in the wrong way and realizing that i shouldnt let those 2 people (who were no longer in my life) control my happiness or lack there of

    best of luck
     
  12. spidey255

    spidey255 New Member

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    It's been three years since I was with my ex. We had a similar situation (except she cheated on me with 3 guys, one of which was a close friend), and I'm still not over it. I get the dreams and everything. If you don't do something about it now, you'll end up like me--depressed and lonely for three years with no motivation to do anything. It's not a good life to live.

    With my past exes, a general rule was half the time you went out. Always seemed to work that way. Obviously though, when things get complicated it's going to take longer.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2008
  13. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

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    Ex haven't spoken to in months. Former friend haven't spoken to as of recently, couldn't do it anymore.
     
  14. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

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    It was difficult, I wanted to but I knew it wasn't a good idea.
     
  15. coldstone

    coldstone New Member

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    This is exactly how I felt too.



    Sorry, man. Sorry you had to go through all this, and I hope things get better for you. Like has already been said, time heals all wounds. Things will get better; it's just a matter of when. I don't know if you will feel better when you find another girl in your life to replace your ex. I just hope it all works out for you soon. :hug:
     
  16. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

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    Thanks for all the support/understanding.

    Even talking about this helps, and not bottling it up.
     
  17. kit99bar

    kit99bar USPA Class 2, weak, old man!

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    1 year is prob too soon to get over that. Turn your aggression/energy to self improvement like the gym. once you find a better girl, you'll forget her.
     
  18. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    :bowrofl: I love FN. Our solution to everything is 'go to the gym.'
     
  19. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    You're not over her because you continually choose to think of her and torture yourself, how long does it take? as long as you let it take. It's a decision you need to make yourself, internally. Either you're over it, or you're not.
     
  20. BlackIce72

    BlackIce72 New Member

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    If you crush a leg day you're more worried about sitting on the toilet and walking up stairs than about some girl
     
  21. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    .

    I finally started to get over an old ex when I would practically smack myself in the face if I even let myself think of him, what went wrong :mb:

    Your problem (TS) is that you obsess over this all day. Not seeing and speaking to them will help, but if you torture yourself thinking about it all the time you'll never get over it.
     
  22. levit

    levit buy the ticket, take the ride.

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    The thing is that I don't "obsess" over it all day.

    I do whatever I can to not thing about her, or him, or anything that reminds me of either of them. But randomly sometime during the day she or he might pop into my head and I think about her. I stop as soon as I can and distract myself in whatever way possible.

    Then some days I don't think about either of them at all the entire day, they never enter my mind, but then suddenly she pops into my dream that night. It's like it's all a subconscious thing that I can't seem to control yet.
     
  23. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    I don't know what you can do to really get over the situation, all around it's a pretty shitty situation :( I suppose just trying to get on with your life, improve yourself and keep yourself busy with hobbies would be a good thing. That still wouldn't stop random thoughts though, not sure what to do about that. I'm lucky, in some ways, since I get over people in approximately a day :rofl:
     
  24. mistergixter

    mistergixter New Member

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    I am in the same boat. I got out of a 3 year relationship with my ex. I have good days and bad days. Someday I don't even think about her, somedays all I can do is think about her. You just have to mentally tell yourself to stop. I have gotten loads of good advice from OT. Just keep busy doing things, even if it is simply going to the gym or watching TV. Meeting more people is a good thing too, that is something that I am trying to do. Keep your head up and go get em tiger.
     
  25. Dweezil

    Dweezil New Member

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    Time is your healer. Give yourself some more of it.
     

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