how important is having serious 'talks' about a relationship?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by nish81, Apr 27, 2007.

  1. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    well, here's the deal on me...after getting out of my first relationship, (which pretty much lasted a year putting it simply) I'm trying to figure out some of the things i did wrong.

    to be fair, i'm 15 and in grade10 of highschool. I'm going to go ahead and say that this wasn't the typical highschool deal, simply because i've seen lots of people having that sort of thing in my school and i know this was different. i know the chances of a lot of OTers buying that are pretty slim and that a highschool relationship is generally seen as shallow and not really a 'relationship', but i'm going to say that this was a relatively mature relationship (relatively).

    But back to my original question, how important is having serious talks about the relationship and where you guys stand with each other? and when should you have these kind of things - before the relationship? or after a couple of months?

    This is probably a noobish question :o but I'm trying to figure out what to fix for the next one, (assuming there is one in highschool) so I'd appreciate some feedback :)
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Depends on what you mean by "serious talks." When I was in HS and had what I also thought was a very mature long-term relationship (2 years) we never sat around and really talked about our "future," and that's probably why we worked so well. We didn't stress one another out on what we were. We just were in love and that was fine. That's where I think a lot of people make mistakes in relationships though. Everyone constantly wants to put a label on what you have or what you are going to be :mb: No one lives in the moment anymore and I think that is sad because it puts a lot of strain on a relationship.

    It's one thing if you've been in a realtionship for a while, a few months, and for some reason or another one of the people in the couple starts to be insecure as to where they stand, and then the serious talk is brought up. But other than situations like those I think it's ridiuclous to bring up such talks, especially before you are even in one. The only time you could have this talk before a relationship starting is if you sort of wanted to set groundrules.
    i.e. if you aren't actually ready for a long-term serious relationship, then you need to state that beforehand.
     
  3. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    Never talk seriously about anything if you can help it.
     
  4. Chip Chipperson

    Chip Chipperson New Member

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    you are not a unique little snowflake you monkeyface. everyone has relationships. you're not special. shut up
     
  5. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    :ugh:
     
  6. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    Interesting thoughts there :)

    Fair enough, but what if one of you doesn't bring up that they're feeling insecure or whatnot - that's just a breakdown in communication right? Nothing to do with not 'talking' enough.

    Sounds simple enough :bigthumb:

    Where did I say I was unique you shithead :hsugh:

    Fair enough - like I said before, if one of you doesn't talk about that problem or anything until it builds up to become a major issue, that's a different problem right?

    .
     
  7. Chip Chipperson

    Chip Chipperson New Member

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    lolz
     
  8. Liquid_Vitamins

    Liquid_Vitamins New Member

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    You can't force anyone to talk if they don't want to, so if one of you is feeling insecure and doesn't want to have a serious talk about it then you're not gonna have one. When there's trouble in a relationship, you'll talk about it and work it out, talk about it and not work it out, not talk about it and let it work itself out or not talk about it and let it fall apart. But the thing is you can't schedule talking about stuff like an oil change (every X amount of time). It just is what it is.
     
  9. bandwagon

    bandwagon Copy/Paste

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    If you find yourself in a logical discussion about your relationship (or even worse, an argument) you fucked up somewhere.
     
  10. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    serious relationship talks (ie, where is this headed, what are your plans) make me claustrophobic, and thus i avoid having them at all.


    as long as i know we are happy, commited and exclusive, im good.
     
  11. Lateralus

    Lateralus New Member

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    You're 15 years old, serious and relationship shouldn't even be part of your vocabulary.
     
  12. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    Being insecure isn't something you solve with discussion, it's something you have to work out yourself with some focused self-examination. If she's insecure, you can't do much about that regardless (I mean assuming you aren't mistreating her).

    The key to a relationship, from the man's side, is not talking. It is ACTION. If you are showing (not telling) her that you care for her and building attraction then you are doing your job. The rest is down to the woman's sanity, or lack thereof.
     
  13. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    serious talks about the status of the relationship are to be avoided imo
     
  14. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    Really? :hs: I'd think that most couples do this from time to time?


    I figured that much out ;) I was just wondering whether something's wrong if you dont ever have a 'talk'.

    :dunno:

    Excellent, thanks :bigthumb:

    okay :)
     
  15. bandwagon

    bandwagon Copy/Paste

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    Yep and most couples suck at relationships. If the above occurs, it means the man is not taking leadership seriously enough, he is not leading her emotions, or he doesn't know how to subcommunicate properly.
     
  16. Chip Chipperson

    Chip Chipperson New Member

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    mah nga
     
  17. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Once the two of you decide you want to be together then you should have a talk where you both say that you want to be exclusive and establish boundaries as far as what each of you considers cheating. Other than that, there's no real reason for talks like that until you are in your mid-late 20s and have been together for a couple of years. Then at some point you'll both probably talk about whether you'd like to get married to each other. Since you're only 15 there's no need to have "where is this going" talks for a long time since those relationships won't be going anywhere.
     
  18. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    :bowdown: hopefully subcommunication is largely subconscious

    cool. most people would have a similar idea of cheating though, right?
     
  19. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    You really think so? Why is that? My SO and I have 'the serious relationship talk' every once in a while and we have been together for 4 years- we have a great relationship!

    It's actually kinda nice. I love that we trust and love each other enough that we can actually sit and reevaluate our relationship when its needed. While we communicate well on a daily basis, I find it reassuring that we can sit down every once in a while and have that serious talk - to make sure we are still giving and getting the things we need from each other- to make sure we are still on the same page, heading in the same direction.

    Whether your 15 or 35 why not talk about your relationship with your SO? I think you can avoid a lot of potential problems and miscommunication that way.

    I think that the people who are just dating and don't take the time to talk and reevaluate together are the ones who find themselves lonely and crying 2 years down the road saying that their SO just up and left one day out of the blue and they don't know what went wrong.
     
  20. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    not at all.

    I mean everyone knows that kissing someone else would be cheating, but you would be surprised how much people vary on what they consider acceptable.

    for instance. Can your GF go the the movies 1 on 1 with another man, who is "just a friend"? Is she going to try to say that porno is cheating? :rofl: there are some details.
     
  21. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Nope, I see stuff like that on here all the time. Some people think it's ok to flirt while in a relationship, grind all over other people at clubs or get lapdances from other people, etc. I'm amazed at what some people think is acceptable behavior in a relationship.
     
  22. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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  23. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    whoa :run:

    Watching porn sometimes considered as cheating? Grinding people at clubs (assuming it's a pretty serious relationship) sometimes considered as alright?

    I probably wouldn't mind my gf going to the movies with a male 'friend'...well, if he had his own gf it's cool, and if he's one of my friends too it's cool. Dunno about if she knows him herself, depends.

    Actually, I wouldn't mind, because I wouldn't expect my gf to get annoyed if i spent time with female friends :dunno:


    What about you guys, is going to movies with a male/female friend considered as unacceptable for you?
     
  24. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    No, I do what I want (In the sense of I will hang out with who I want when I want - not cheat or anything like that). And if they don't trust me enough to hang out with girls then they can hit the road.
     
  25. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    I'd be willing to bet that you are in control of the relationship, and that he seeks your approval and clings to you desperately because he believes if he lost you, he wouldn't be able to replace you.

    That sounds like something a woman or a boy would do. Not a man. A man doesn't need verbal assurance from you. He can read between the lines and knows if things are going well or not.

    My many years of relationship experience have taught me that nothing good comes from these talks. It doesn't increase her interest level in me. But if I say the wrong thing, it can lower her interest.

    I'll take it even further and assert that when a man shares his feelings frequently, it causes her to lose sexual interest in him.

    If you have your life together and have learned how to live a happy life, it won't be a big deal if your SO decides to take another path.

    How can you be successful when you are invested in another person that you have no control over? Sure, I want it to last, but I only control 50% of that equation.

    In my experience, serious talks do not help the relationship last, and they do not help me get what I want.

    I've had very few serious talks in my current relationship, and its by far the best relationship I've had.

    Two major things I've done completely differently from my previous relationships are that I purposefully "took it slow" and limited our time together in the beginning and made sure the relationship evolved slowly over time, and I do not verbally share my feelings with her very often. I show her how I feel through my actions.

    My past relationships I let us get "too close too soon" and I always talked about my feelings for her. I'm convinced these two factors will doom a relationship in the long run.
     

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