How hurt should I be? ....should I be hurt at all?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Short Bus, Aug 18, 2008.

  1. Short Bus

    Short Bus Beep beep!

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    It seems that no matter how good things can get, they can always be set afire with a couple of sentences.

    A girl I'm seeing basically told me that under no circumstance would she ever get married or have another child. I know to some men this would be a dream come true. Problem is, when she said it... it hurt.

    At first it felt like a sucker punch to the gut, but the more I stew on it the more I feel like I've been stabbed in the back. Problem is I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive about this, or if this is something that I should take seriously. Obviously my reaction to this says to me that these things are important to me.

    I'm struggling with the decision to stay with this woman for as long as it lasts and enjoy my time with her, or cut her loose and move on. I feel like this might cause some integrity problems. As in it's possible that instead of her being at the center of my attention, that I'll constantly be looking for a suitable replacement while I'm with her.

    Anyway, what would the Vag do?
     
  2. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    The only questions you have to answer for yourself are:

    1. Do you want to get married?
    2. Do you want to have children?

    Answer them honestly, too. No sense bullshitting yourself just to justify staying with a girl.
     
  3. Short Bus

    Short Bus Beep beep!

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    Simple and to the point, thanks.
     
  4. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    No problem.

    I would wager that you're feeling hurt because the answer to one of those questions is yes, and you probably don't realize it. :hs: Or maybe you do, I dunno.
     
  5. Short Bus

    Short Bus Beep beep!

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    Yeah... I think I just need to sleep on it; maybe give it a couple of days and see how I feel.

    Something I've learned over the past couple of years is to be more self aware of my emotions, and control them when necessary. I think much of the distress I'm feeling at the moment can be attributed to the fact that the whole situation tripped me up so bad that I'm left disoriented and can't see what it is that I need to be in control of.

    Since it's obvious that 'yes' is the answer to one or both of those questions, I basically see my options as...

    1. end it; cease all communication with her (I never keep former lovers as friends)
    2. reign in my emotions and enjoy the company for the time being

    I guess my decision will require a little thought when my head is clear again.
     
  6. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    Find out how serious she was about that. Right now I say "fuck that I'm not having kids" although in a more serious conversation the answer usually comes out as "one day"
     
  7. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    Yes that's the next step.

    Is she someone who you could see yourself marrying or having kids with?

    If yes, I'd end it because you don't want the same things.
    If no, enjoy it for now while waiting for someone you can get serious with, or end it and actively look for someone to get serious with.
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    If you eventually (doesn't have to even be tomorrow) want a marriage and a family then I don't really see the point of staying with her and only her. If you like her and the sex is good then see if she'd like to just have an open relationship. Explain to he that marriage and kids is something you want, so starting some sort of serious relationship that will lead nowhere is something you aren't interested in.

    Or just dump her and move on :dunno:

    Edit: You should not be offended at all. This has nothing to do with you. This woman has probably always been against the idea of marriage and kids, so don't let her choices make you insecure or think that if she liked you enough she'd entertain the idea for the first time.
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2008
  9. knucks

    knucks Active Member

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    You need to decide how soon you want marriage and kids. If it is not any time soon, I don't know why you would dump her :dunno:

    Granted being with her and looking for someone else is not an option either?
     
  10. Short Bus

    Short Bus Beep beep!

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    Well, since we started seeing each other she had been joking around a bit here and there about it, so that's what I had thought in the first place... that she was just joking and that if it came down to it the answer would probably be "one day." But she was quite serious last night.



    I'm not particularly keen on the idea of a completely open relationship. I don't really want her sleeping with anybody else while she's sleeping with me. But at the same time I'm not looking for marriage or children tomorrow anyway. I guess I'll just carry on and take this as a lesson learned. This whole thing shouldn't have bothered me as much as I let it.
     
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Don't come back here in a year crying that you dragged it out and wanted to marry her and she still refused though :nono:
     
  12. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    In my experience people say that without really meaning it, or often change their minds later.
     
  13. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Don't ever get upset over something someone said, people change their minds like they change their clothing........
     
  14. Short Bus

    Short Bus Beep beep!

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    Yeah well... that's always a possibility. But since I very clearly see that it's a whole lot easier to deal with right from the start.

    I've basically known this all along. But it's not something I care to count on. I'm not leaving it up to chance.

    Besides, being in the military basically puts an automatic time limit on our relationship anyway. We can be together for years and if I'm told that it's time to move, then it's time to leave her behind if she's not willing to make the appropriate committment.
     
  15. Short Bus

    Short Bus Beep beep!

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    Absolutely... this is something I'm working on. I've gotten a lot better at it, but occasionally I let one slip through. It happens I guess.
     
  16. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    It's ok to hold people to their word on somethign like this. :hsugh:

    Seriously, she COULD mean it or she might NOT mean it.

    I'd rather just assume she means what she says, make my decision based off that, and if it turns out she DIDN'T mean it, you're not out much.

    Consider the alternative...you assume that she doesn't mean it, and she DOES. You waste your time on someone who doesn't want the same things as you do.
     
  17. Short Bus

    Short Bus Beep beep!

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    Yes, that's exactly why I take what she says for what it is. I will never assume that somebody doesn't mean what they say. I may allow myself to have varying degrees of doubt depending on the person, but when it comes to something like this I will not tell myself that she doesn't mean it and let myself get burned again. As far as I'm concerned... she meant it. If she changes her mind later, well... whatever. I probably won't be around at that point anyway.

    I think this little shock was good for me. If we were to compare settling into a relationship like getting into a hot bathtub I'd say that right now I have a difficult time easing in slowly. I either seem to jump in head first, or not at all. At this point I still need to have my eyes open for other options anyway, even if all this hadn't occurred.
     
  18. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    ok, simple question: Do you want to get married?

    If she is not interested in marriage at some later date or even finds it plausible... then maybe you need to reconsider and find someone else.

    Odds are she's probably just bitter about her previous marriage
     
  19. Short Bus

    Short Bus Beep beep!

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    This is fact. Especially at the moment with her ex trying to screw her over regarding the custody of their daughter. While I can't fully comprehend how she feels, I can understand why she would have these feelings.

    But that doesn't help me. It still hurts to hear somebody say "yeah, there's no way I'll ever marry you, no matter what." But that's what I get for letting a woman get too close I guess.




    As far as how I really feel about marriage... I don't know. I do want a committed relationship with a woman who wants a family. These days it almost seem like marriage isn't really a requirement for that. But if this person isn't open to the idea of raising another child, then there's only so far her or I could take this anyway.
     
  20. JustaMeThang

    JustaMeThang New Member

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    How long have you been together?
     
  21. Short Bus

    Short Bus Beep beep!

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    Not nearly long enough to be dealing with this shit.




    On a happy note, I took my own advice and got the fuck out of my apartment. It's funny how simply going out on a nice day and washing your car can lift your spirits out of the dumper. My feet are on even ground again, and what happens will happen. Even if the long term possibilities with this aren't the greatest, I'm happy with the situation right now so I'm just going to let it ride. I need to learn to treat each individual relationship for what it is instead of what I ultimately want one to be.
     
  22. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    Like I said before - she's probably not entirely opposed to marriage, but has some distaste to the idea with the situation she is dealing with at the moment. However, I don't think dating a woman that doesn't want marriage is your problem... I think it's that you're dating a bitter, divorced, single mother.
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2008
  23. Short Bus

    Short Bus Beep beep!

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    Honestly, I don't think that's really the problem. The problem is that I forgot that I'm dating a bitter, divorced single mother.
     
  24. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    yup, that'll do it
     
  25. Short Bus

    Short Bus Beep beep!

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    Well shit, now it sounds like she'll be the one to end it. She's expressed feelings that she doesn't want to feel guilty about holding me back and that I should go for what I want.

    I can't say that I blame her for feeling that way. It doesn't help that she's PMSing right now either.

    I guess I'll just sit tight and see what happens. If she ends it, she ends it. I feel that I've learned my lessons so I won't have a difficult time walking away with my dignity intact.
     

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