SRS How does one learn to go on after a parent dies?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by childofbean, Aug 7, 2006.

  1. childofbean

    childofbean Green Member

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    Let me start off with saying that neither of my parents are dead.
    I have had this fear lately about how I'm going to react when either one of my parents die. (Either when they die of old age or if they were to die from an accident of some sort)
    The mere thought of losing either one of them is devastating.
    I find that this is a touchy subject to bring up with either of them, but I have attempted it with my mom before. Her mother died when I was only 5, but her father is still alive. When I tried to ask her about how she dealt with her mother's death all she really responded with was:

    "Well, you try to do what that person would want you to do. You have to keep waking up every morning... life goes on."

    I honestly don't think that I am capable of such a thing. :hs:


    (My dad's mother died when I was about 8 years old. His father is still alive.
    I haven't asked him about how he handled his mom's death.)

    Not too long ago my dad was cleaning out our living room closet and happened to pull out a box filled with old photos from my mom's childhood and from even before she was born.
    I sat down and went through the box occasionally picking up an old photo of my mom and laughing with her about the photos of her as a child and teenager. My mom then joined me in digging through the photos and would every now and then pick up an old picture of her mother only to make a sad face and then quickly hide the photo beneath all the rest of the pictures.
    I wanted to ask her why she wouldn't just stop and choose to look at the photos, but I decided I should keep quiet.
    I imagine that it's still hard to think about her mother even years after her death. I can just picture myself going through old photos of my parents after they're gone and breaking down over the fact that they're gone forever.

    BTW, I'm atheist, so I believe that once a person dies... that's it. They're gone forever. All of their thoughts, ideas, dreams, memories, etc. are gone.


    ----------------------
    Cliffs: Basically, how does a person keep waking up every day after one or both of their parents die?

    :sadwavey:
     
  2. redna

    redna New Member

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    Atheist or not, how can you believe that their memories are gone? Are you talking about things that they remember or are you talking about your memories of them?

    If you feel that they are dead and that's it, know that you'll atleast have YOUR memories of all of the good times you had with them.

    This is the # 1 reason why you should make the most of the time that you do have with people in your life...

    You have to accept death as a part of life. There would be no living without dying.

    Personally, i use my own death as a motivator to do everything that i can every day. I never know when death will come knocking at my door, or the door of someone i love, so i make the most of it while it's here... and when it's gone, i remember the good times i had.

    It's understandable to be sad, but it truely is pointless... No amount of sadness is going to bring back a loved one. Use the experience as a positive kick start and get the life you want to live under way.
     
  3. childofbean

    childofbean Green Member

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    I'm talking about their memories. I think about everything that a person is made up of and how it all goes away once they die.
    I agree that you can keep the memories of that person alive, no question about it. It just saddens me to think of the fact that I'm going to be faced with many more family member deaths in the future.
     
  4. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Frankly, I'd say you need to find yourself SOMETHING to believe in... what are your reasons for being an Atheist to the degree that you seem to be?

    I'm not trying to say you need to become religious, all I'm saying is that you have to anchor yourself to SOME sort of school of thought about the purpose of life and death. Do you think people leave something behind when they die, or is their presence purposeless? If they are leaving something behind.... having an influence on those who are alive after them, THAT is what matters -- not all the other stuff they can't pass on. You can take comfort in the fact that when someone dies, they know they've left something behind to better the lives of the living.
     
  5. Wolf

    Wolf No one plans to take the path that brings you lowe

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    :ugh: Why Atheism? Because anyone with basic common sense and logic can see that the bullshit religion tells you to believe is impossible (and frequently contradictory). Only a total sheep would believe that shit. :jerkit:mod edit: but then again your a wolf for attacking those sheep :squint: and me being the shepard of this forum i don't tolerate that, not that i want to defend religion but i would like you to stay behind the lines from attacking people's beliefs in a personal manner, and understand that other people's views might not hold anything meaningfull for you, but it might hold something important for them.Its fine if you have valid points and proof against religion,but now your just stamping on people's religion without backing it up with substantial evidence,making people angry and throwing oil on the fire. Which is a no go area in my forum. Remember that the Asylum is an emotional hide-out, for atheist and believers.

    For the thread starter: I don't plan on going on. :dunno: :sad2:
     
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  6. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    I had this fear when I was younger. I was deathly scared of it but it only lasted about a year. I don't how to explain it but some where along the line I stopped worrying about it. Where I stand now I think I'd do perfectly fine without them, but that's just me. The most you can do is fully understand shit happens and the world doesn't stop moving for anyone. Cliche yeah, but it's the unfortunate truth that must be accepted.

    If they do go, just think of it as a step toward you becoming a mature adult. Sure, it will be hard to see them go and painful, but obviously they'd expect you to carry on with your head high.
     
  7. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Hey, I wasn't attacking atheism... I was asking out of pure curiosity.... you had to come in and fuck up the thread with your bullshit. NOW I'll attack -- because you deserve it:

    mod edit: Show some love :hsnono: You believe that when life ends, there's nothing but a loss of all that was in life, and you also believe that when a parent or loved one dies, you have no remaining purpose, so you'll just mod edit: motivations for others to kill themselves will not be tolerated :hsnono:. What a way to live; why not just mod edit:motivations for others to kill themselves will not be tolerated :hsnono: now and save yourself the trouble later? Obviously your presence on this earth is meaningless if you're so readily prepared to end it....
     
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  8. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I don't know how I'd feel if my mother died. It's not rlly imaginable for me. In contrast, I would feel some relief if my father died. Can't help you.
     
  9. Whiffa

    Whiffa Guest

    Guys, relax from trolling each other in here.

    My grandmother was really a mom to me. She raised me when my real parents couldn't, her and my grandfather. They did everything for me. Bathe me, feed me, keep a roof over my head. They taught me all the things a child should know.

    I lost her when I was 10 to lung cancer. She battled so hard to stay, but it was a losing one. I was devastated. even POSTING this makes me well up. I have a hard time talking about her because I always cry. It's been a little over 9 years since she's passed. It's just so difficult to lose someone SO crucial to my life. It felt like losing a parent. Honestly it would have hurt less losing my mother than losing my grandmother, as harsh as that sounds.

    But time heals everything, and day by day it gets a little easier knowing she's not suffering anymore, that she's safe, and on a religious note (i understand you don't believe) I think she's in a better place watching over me :)
     
  10. Bear Klaw

    Bear Klaw Guest

    I lost my mom a year and a half ago. My dad was a dead beat, only ment him once in my life. So you can see how much worse off a person would be losing their only parent. I am an atheist as well. My grandparents (my moms parents) are the only family i have. There raised me a lot as my mom and I never got along. They are still around today, but age is getting the best of them. It saddens me deeply knowing some day they will be gone and I will be all alone family wise, and frankly, I dont consider myself to have any true friends anymore, (not much I can do about it thou. No one really seems to care for me, nor ever sets aside the smallest amount of time to give me a hand, or just to talk.) I try not to think about it, as the thought alone upsets me greatly. I am very close to them, more so post her death now, but I always was, they were there for me when she never was. Aside from that, mostly everything I have today is because of them. My mom had no life insurance, so i got nothing but her debt when she died. I moved back home where my sister lives, only reason we have the house is because of my grandparents. My mom still owed over 100,000 aside from the tons of debt she was in for other shit. I would not be living here if it was not for them, in fact, i have no clue where i would be in life, as i dont have the money to afford all the expensive bills we were left with. I lived on my own for a year, she died about half way through it. So I moved back to the house after my lease was up.

    What is the worse, is i never got to talk to her, when i last spoke to her in the hospital, i was told she was sick, nothing that serious, I yelled at her for not keeping up with her health(smoking and such). They had to put her on a breathing machine, and has to put her in a coma for that. We found out she had cancer while in her coma, and that she would not live. So I watched her die over a week and was not able to speak to her at all. as her organs shut down, her body on the outside showed it. She swelled up very much, blead from the inside out, etc. was horrible. Sucked pretty hardcore. Worse thing in my life, And I don't know if it is for the better, but I have become detached from reality, small things dont bother me. I don't really care about life, more so, If I fail or don't get a job, I'm like oh well. I could care less, nothing compared to what I delt with. Almost a year after her dealth, I lost my long term gf, to make matters worse. That hit me pretty hard, more so, not having a real reason for our relationship ending, she got me though it, and is gone now as well.

    Last christmas sucked, I spent it alone mostly. By then, most of the shock wore off. She died a few days before x-mas in 04. Always made my birthday special, I spent the last 2 with out my mother, and all the rest will be the same. I have a large desire to move far away, It would give me a better excuse for not having anyone. But I don;t because i have to man the house, and watch over my grandparent.s
     
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  11. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    By setting an alarm and getting up and living life. That's how. Your mom was right. Eventually you'll feel less of the pain and more of the good memories and pretty soon you'll smile when you remember them instead of feeling sad.

    That said, the biggest compliment I can imagine is having my funeral filled with friends and family, all laughing, telling stories that start with "And do you remember the time he................"
    We'll live in our loved ones' memories...that's it.
     
  12. Bear Klaw

    Bear Klaw Guest

    The fact for me is, proir to being born and living for a few years, i have no memories nor was aware of life. I have no issue knowing when I die, It will be the same as pre-life.
     
  13. Ladybird

    Ladybird New Member

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    Time heals even the deepest of wounds.

    My mum died when i was six and thats coming up to 12 years ago, I was devestated at the time and thought that I would never get over it, but life has to go on and in the end dwelling on it makes it worse for you. What people often do is dwell on all the things that could have been rather then thinking, well its over now I might as well get on with my life and in doing so remeber the things that have been.
     
  14. TriShield

    TriShield Super Moderator® Super Moderator

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    You go on because you've got no choice whether you like it or not. They're here one moment, and gone the next and you have to live with that. I speak from experience.
     
  15. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    I don't know what I would do....I am closer with my mother than I am with my father and I don't know what I would do if I lost my mother. I hate thinking about this....just thinkin about it brings tears to my eyes. If I lost my father, I think me and my mother would become even closer.

    I have no idea how I would continue to live on if I lost my mother though.....I would have to have someone very strong in my life to help me get through that.

    My mother lost her mom a while back, more than 8yrs i think now, and that was the worst thing ever. We cried for a long time and its still hard to this day. But I was able to get through it because of my mom. Sometimes, I'll think about my grandmother and just start crying. For my mom, its even worse. Sometimes, she'll tell me she misses her so much and start crying....She also lost her father back before I was born.

    My dad also lost his father a while ago too. That was bad too. My dad's mom is kind of sick too now.
     
  16. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    Damn....this is so true.
     
  17. schism jman

    schism jman New Member

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    i really have no idea...

    i love my parents and brother to death, nobody knows how much i love them....yet if you knew me in person, it would seem as though i dont care much about them. I have problems, i try not to get too close to them because im afraid itll just make things harder on me when they die....probably not a good mentality...might be something ill have to change one day :sad2:
     
  18. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Its like this, imagine if you died instead of your parents. Would you love to see your parents in pain, crying and in agony for many years to come? OF course not, you would want them to go on and live their lives happy and to the fullest. Trust me that your parents want the same for you. So instead of dying for the deceased , start LIVING for them!
     
  19. Jinx

    Jinx Active Member

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    Six years ago, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Since then, I've tried to mentally prepare myself for her passing when it did happen. It hasn't yet, and thank god. She's been doing chemotherapy straight for six years, along with a battle with alcoholism and her divorce from my father.

    This past spring, she called me down at college a few times one week with a bit of a cold. Nothing major, just some sniffles, but I kept telling her to go to the doctor because of her weakened immune system due to the chemo. She wouldn't listen and just kept really low-key, not working, etc. I didn't hear from her for two or three days before I called to see what was up with her. No one answered the house phone or her cellphone, so I called her friend who normally saw her every day.. That's when she told me that she'd just taken my mom to the hospital because she was so sick. :(

    I came home that night (Thursday) and saw my mom hooked up to all sorts of machines because she was so sick with pneumonia (it was so bad because of her poor immune system). She seemed alright, but it was still a shock to see my mom who was normally so strong like that. She slowly started getting worse and worse throughout the next week. By the next Thursday, she was in a coma, and the doctors were telling us that the outlook wasn't too good. One of her lungs was totally full of fluid, the other was rapidly filling. Within the next day or two, I'd resigned myself to the fact that my mother was going to die. When I got to the hospital on Monday, she was awake.. And up.. And.. Everything. She was alright-- the antibiotics had kicked in.

    It's a strange feeling to have resigned yourself to the fact that your parent is going to die... Then they don't. :hs:
     
  20. OhFourTwoThree

    OhFourTwoThree New Member

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    It really broke my heart reading this. I hope you seek counseling of some sort to help you through this. It's not healthy to desensitize yourself to everything and give up on yourself.
     
  21. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    With the way things have been going for the last X years, I don't plan on going on when my folks die. :o
     
  22. BlondieAMC

    BlondieAMC New Member

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    My mom passed away when i was 19, back in 2003. She has been battling ovarian cancer for 6 or so yrs. There really is no real way to prepare for ones death. And i never thought i'd be able to handle her death but somehow i managed to get thru it. You are much stronger than you think. And still now a few years later i still have my moments (like your mom with the photos) that gets to me. Even things i do, i say to myself "Damn, i sounded just like mom", and sometimes it makes me cry or smile and remember the good times with her. But you just have to decide that you will move on with your life. Your mom was right when she said do what you think they would want. Your parents would want you to carry on with your life. Where it will never be the same it will still go on.
     
  23. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I just passed the 18 year anniversery of my dads death and the 2 year anniversery of my step dads death. It's never easy to go on. Some days are just hell but the pain does ease, life does go on and I had to realize that even though my loved one is no longer in human form, I am. I have a life also, which is no less valuable then theirs, and I want to experience more of the good that life has to offer.

    In more practical terms, I just kept doing the best I could from day to day until the pain wasn't so intense. I would cry when sad, laugh when happy and empathize with others that were going through hard times. IMO there is no magic bullet to get through grief and it takes a long time sometimes but it does get easier with time.

    Just last week, I was cleaning up and found some old projects that I hadn't worked on since right before my step dad died. They just sat there gathering dust. I completed them and was surprised that I hadn't done so earlier but when looking back over the past 2 years, there were times when I thoguht about those projects but just didn't or couldn't take any action on them. It sux that it took me so long to get through my step dads death but I think I'm cleaning up the last few things that were put on hold due to his death. That's a very good feeling but I would rather he was still with me.

    I also try stay focused on the fact that I believe we are spiritual creatures having a human experience and that when our loved ones die, they go back to our natural state and their spirit is still around me. Even if I can't see, hear, touch them I can still feel their presence.
     
  24. Rorschach

    Rorschach New Member

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    Im so sorry for all of you

    My Parents are my backbone.. THANK GOD they havent gone through anything yet..

    My Father is severely depressed.. He is so absoluelty down all the time its SCARY

    BTW.. loosing a parent is one of my greatest fears...

    Its good to talk about
     
  25. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    As someone who went through this at a young age, I can tell you that it's only difficult if you LET or MAKE it difficult. You just have to put aside the fact that you'll never see or speak to them again (or, for the believers out there, the rest of your worldly lives) and remember how they would want you to live your life. Even if you can't seem to go on living for yourself, do it for THEM, knowing that's what would have made them proud.
     

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