SRS How do you react?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SBIArn, Jan 3, 2010.

  1. SBIArn

    SBIArn OT Supporter

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    I'm rather new to the Asylum. :hs:
    But I HAVE to get this out of me somehow so here is the story (sorry for it being long)
    I have been trying to get in touch with my grandparents for sometime. They are all the family I have left on that side of the family (my dad passed away in 1991 from cancer) They lived in Houston, Tx. It has been almost 3 years since I last talked to any of them.
    Not to mention the countless letters that I send and get back, phone calls that go unanswered, etc.

    So.. Last monday I get an email from a family friend who apparently is my "God Mom" and has known my parents and my dad's family since my dad was 15, anyways. She tells me that my Grandma died Jan 11, 2007 in a nursing home and a week later her last remaining daughter (my last paternal aunt) died in the same nursing home (she was in the same one my grandmother was in bc she was very ill with COPD).

    Then 2 weeks after that my aunt's only daughter (my cousin) overdoses on pain meds. THEN. She tells me that on top of all that. My grandfather died this past April.
    And she tells me that they just found my number and me on facebook. :ugh:
    She said that my contact information was ruined in a flood that houston had a few years ago.

    But I get told all this, all in one day. I know that they passed away at seperate times, but it feels like they died just then.
    I cried for the remainder of the day, BUT, I've been rather cold and shut down since.
    (on top of all that news, my mom goes into the hospital the next day with chest pain, and also found out she has Sepsis :ugh:)

    I honestly don't know what to do or think.
    I want to cry, but when I try I can't. I want to talk about my feelings about it but I think I am scared that once I do.. I'll have a break down. I pride myself into being the strong one of all my siblings, but I don't think I can do it anymore. I have noticed that since all this terrible news, I am kinda mean and bitchy to my boyfriend. I don't mean to.. but I just snap.

    What can I do to open this up and just let it out?
    Am I experiencing "shock" from all the news ? :wtc:
    I am not sure on how to talk about any of this, which is why I am posting here.
    Sorry if all this is a lot to read or not the right place to post.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2010
  2. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    This is the perfect place to post that and it's not all that much, although hitting enter after about 5 lines of text would make it easier to read but it doesn't really matter.

    That is a lot to take on all at once. One of the things that might be happening with the other side of the family is that you're just dealing with the death of an image. I mean it doesn't sound like you really even knew those people. I could be wrong but that's the impression your post made....so if that's true, you might be more sad that your image of a large family has ended.

    Now your mom is another story. I really hope she takes care of herself because I think Sepsis is quite serious but can be treated with antibiotics.

    Now how do you open up? Well you just do....you start talking, perhaps preface it with "I've got some things to say and I'm going to screw up the words so please just listen. I'll let you know when I'm done."

    I lost my dad and brother within a span of 2 years and I was really close with my brother. Dad and I had issues but I loved him a lot. The whole time, my entire family went to therapy but not me because I was the strong one. I didn't need that shit, I was tougher than all of them...I'll show them.

    Well it didn't really work out like I had planned. I tried to deal with all the emotions but I couldn't. My boat was swamped and I didn't have good coping mechanisms anyway so I really didn't deal with the grief, I just stuffed it down inside, put on a happy face and did my best to get through. Whenever you stuff emotions, they will always come out sideways later....unless you deal with them...but there never was a good time to deal with them and I honestly didn't know how to deal with them or what that even meant.

    I've since found that I can deal with death and not let it consume me. However, I've got to be honest with those around me. I don't put on a brave face anymore. I don't stop my emotions from showing.....fuck that shit!! When I'm sad, I will cry and I don't give a shit who's around.....and I'm a guy so it's difficult but I've experience what happens if I stuff em. Now there's times when I don't let them out because it's just not a safe place...but once I'm alone or with people I trust, I won't hide my emotions.

    There's no value in being tough and/or being the strong one. The trick is for everyone to NOT freak out at the same time. Everyone goes through periods where they are stronger and weaker. This happens from moment to moment when dealing with grief. When one is weak others can help, then that person will help when the others are weak.

    Remember - A joy shared is a joy multiplied. A burden shared is a burden divided.

    I would suggest you seek professional help and then be 100% honest and open with that person. Don't hold anything back, no matter how ugly or dark the emotions. Open up....it will help.

    Good luck. :hug:
     
  3. SBIArn

    SBIArn OT Supporter

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    Thank you lots!! .
    I was fairly close to them up until I moved away in 2005 for school in South Carolina, and I lost touch with them. We went from talking a couple times a month to a couple times a year.
    It hurts because I am so confused on why I wasn't told when everything happened. They are all I had left of my dad's side.

    I am the 3rd oldest of 4 children (oldest of my dad's children) and I tend to bottle everything up because my older siblings kinda "preyed" on moments of weakness. I feel like because I was picked on so much and had to (well honestly I chose to) play "mommy" to my little brother growing up, I took on the role of the strong, level headed one.
    This time around, I don't feel I have anyone to really open up to. My brother is locked up and my sisters, although they knew my dad's family, aren't the type to talk to.
    They tend to over dramatize everything and I am not one for drama. Not to mention, I feel like they don't really understand because they still have both their parents and a huge paternal family.
    I think I will go and talk to a therapist, because although I am trying to talk about how I am feeling, I am just stating the situation and not my acutal feelings.
     
  4. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    I'd prefer a more concise summary, please.
     
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    They may have just not known how or what to do. Who knows. Grief is a VERY strange thing. People react really differently when they are in a grief state. They may say and do all sorts of strange things. They may not even think to call others and/or just believe "someone else will handle that".

    They may have also been dealing with denial....I know it sounds strange but again, grief is very a strange thing because it is a reminder that we are all going to die and some people really have a hard time facing their own mortality...so they may have thought, "If I don't call, it didn't happen."

    For many years, I simply thought my brother was out of town on business. I mean I knew he was dead but part of my coping was to simply to imagine him being out of town on business. Strange I know but that's what I had to do to get by. Other times I was overcome with grief at him being gone. Very often I didn't want to talk about it because I KNEW I would end up balling and I simply didn't want to discuss it.

    Perhaps some of those things were going on with your loved ones.
    Your family doesn't sound like they are emotionally trustworthy. I wouldn't open up to them either.....or if I did, I would be sure that I had plenty of support elsewhere...therapy, grief counseling, etc.

    Churches also have grief support groups. There are also quite a few books at the library that deal with grief. It's not easy to get through and it takes time...sometimes a lot of time. My brothers death took me just under 2 years to feel like I was back to "normal" or close to it....then BAM my dad dies and I'm like, "FUCK....here we go again."

    When you're looking for a therapist, don't be afraid to change or try out many different ones at the same time. Sometimes it can be difficult finding one that you can really do some work with and you may have to switch a few times before finding one you really like.

    I was lucky and found a guy that I could get down and dirty in all the darkness of my life. I honestly thought he would tell me not to come back because there was just too much shit to try and unravel. He didn't and ended up helping me far more than I ever thought possible but I'm absolutely convinced that it's because I was 100% honest with him.
     
  6. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Seriously...GTFO. This is the Asylum, not the main board. Read her posts or STFU
     
  7. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    Understood. But it shouldn't be so hard to put your thoughts into more consiceness.
     
  8. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    It doesn't matter....if you don't have the short version and you're too lazy to read, don't post. It's not appropriate.
     
  9. SBIArn

    SBIArn OT Supporter

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    Not all people can spill their thoughts into perfection so everyone and anyone can understand. :ugh:
    Go back to the trailer park and troll there. You do not need to come in and be rude.
    This is a place for emotional advice, etc
    If you do not want to take the time to read the thread, leave. Your thought is not wanted if you cannot take the time to understand the situation. If you want cliffs... R E A D the posts.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2010
  10. SBIArn

    SBIArn OT Supporter

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    Nope not really. My sisters are an emotional ball of mess. They tend to hold onto everything you say, and throw it back into your face during a feud. Its rather annoying to be honest. I have open communication with my boyfriend, but as he said, its harder to understand my feelings and background because he was raised very differently and doesn't understand why I feel certain ways.
    Like even now, My sister sends me an email and told me I was being cold and contemptuous. I feel like I am being bantered that I am not understanding that I should be upset and not empty about all of this.

    I am hoping to find one that I won't feel shy with. I've had a few therapists in the past, and each one of them, I felt shameful and unnatural when I tried to discuss my problems.
     
  11. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Well you're probably being bitchy with him because we guys like to solve problems. If you present us with an issue, we'll try to find a solution and/or a way to deal with it.....even if we don't fully understand the issue. Now we may think we understand but even if we don't, we'll provide solutions. That seems to be very common among men and I think it's hardwired into our psyche. I constantly have to stop myself from solving a problem when one of the women in my life talks to me about some issue. It's like I really have to tell myself to SHUT UP. :)
    You know that's just bullshit. You feel what you feel. I do not think it's right to make people ashamed because they don't feel something. When my dad died, I didn't feel anything but relief for a long time.....like days. He was a difficult man and while I loved him, I had a hard time with him. He could be incredibly cruel at times and this was hard to take. It was weird, I didn't cry...yes I was unhappy but the overwhelming feeling was relief. That gave way to grief and I eventually cried and really started to miss him.

    This was all very confusing to me and some people told me I should be more upset. It was years later when my shrink told me, "That isn't healthy. You feel what you feel." Then we started working on why I wasn't more upset and that brought out a whole shitload of issues.
    Yep, you were probably doing some good work there and really opening up. Therapy isn't supposed to feel good all the times, in fact, it's probably better if it doesn't feel good. I mean sure, you have to have some time before you open up and feel comfortable but if you're talking about things that really make you uncomfortable, that's probably exactly what you need to discuss.

    I remember when I was working on some really seep and painful shit, it would feel like the therapist was poking me. Ever had someone poke you in the same spot over and over (no not sexually). :) Like they poke a finger in your ribs and either keep it there or keep poking the same spot over and over. The annoyance and uncomfortable feeling is exactly what clued me into the fact that I was doing some real work on my emotions. I ended up welcoming that feeling because I knew we were onto something good. However it was always painful and emotional and took courage to keep going.
     
  12. Bodhi

    Bodhi My crotch is red .. my lambos blue .. and ill be g

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    you just started to let it out .. get it all out bro
     
  13. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    :hug: You can't force grief. It'll come as it will. You can guide it, though.

    Try not to feel hurt that no one got in contact with you sooner. If you weren't close in later years and your contact information was destroyed, it would have taken a concerted effort for others to get in contact with you. Especially if your mom didn't stay in touch or drifted away after your dad passed on..? Whoever was handling the state of affairs at the time would have had their hands full without adding tracking down relatives who aren't in the wills to the mix. In fact, it was (or, more likely, still is) probably quite the legal mess.

    Ultimately there is nothing you can do to change how things have happened. Putting energy into feeling hurt over it will only hurt you. :hsd:
     
  14. Hamsterz!

    Hamsterz! OT Supporter

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    be an idiot somewhere else. :nono:
     
  15. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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  16. SBIArn

    SBIArn OT Supporter

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    My mom did take off after my dad passed away and I took it upon myself to keep in touch. They were all I had, being the fact I don't really know my mom's family because she don't want my siblings and I to know their dysfunctional problems. I feel angry that a woman that I barely know, called to tell me that my family died. I feel so much anger and hatred. I don't mean to but I just can't get past the fact I was the first one on the emergency list to call, and I never got it. It hurts.

    I always tend to clam up when someone pokes at my problems. Like even now its hard for me to talk about it all in direct. I tend to wiggle my around it without ever really having to directly talk about it. I agree though. I think I need to let the therapist pick and pry because it might do good. :hs:
     
  17. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    My apologies.

    I'm simply trying to find the "fun" section of OffTopic.com.
     
  18. SBIArn

    SBIArn OT Supporter

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    Well its very rude to come into a SERIOUS section of offtopic and start trouble. You want fun, go back to the trailer park or offtopic. Don't come in and find "fun" in a section that people are here to talk and get help with personal situations. :ugh:
     
  19. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    You don't owe me an apology, you owe one to SBIArn.

    And you've obviously missed the subtitle for this subforum, so I'll remind you (emphasis added):

    The Asylum (1 Viewing)
    Need help? Ask for it.
    OT's Emotional hideout.
    Serious Discussions only.
     
  20. TheOutlawTorn

    TheOutlawTorn New Consequence Machine

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    My friend. To you. They did all just die all at once. In your heart and in your head you thought them to be alive. Finding out all that at once probably shredded your heart. I know it would mine.

    Losing one person at a time tears me down. I can't imagine finding out something like that. It would hurt so bad, I don't WANT to imagine it.

    I'm sorry you're getting your heart wrenched around inside your chest.
     
  21. SBIArn

    SBIArn OT Supporter

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    Thank you. and I couldn't agree more. Its a hardcore shock. Even more to the fact they are the last of my dad's family. Its only My brother, his son, and myself left in my line. :wtc:
     
  22. JudyVu

    JudyVu New Member

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    You are right. I apologize.
     
  23. TheOutlawTorn

    TheOutlawTorn New Consequence Machine

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    My family is the same way.

    And it's rather difficult to find a good therapist that you're comfortable with. It takes time and effort, but you WILL find one eventually. Good luck!
     
  24. TheOutlawTorn

    TheOutlawTorn New Consequence Machine

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    :hug:
     
  25. SBIArn

    SBIArn OT Supporter

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    Thank you :)
    I've started today looking for a good therapist. It'll probably take some time but i'm working on getting my feelings open. Although, today I found some old pictures.. so its a step back.
     

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