SRS How do you maintain an alienated parental relationship

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Hedweb Buddha, Aug 4, 2006.

  1. Hedweb Buddha

    Hedweb Buddha New Member

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    I'd rather not go into detail, and I'm not sure how not to. Point is that I have had severe trauma happen to me in my past that has harmed my relationship wtih my parents. They weren't the cause of it, but my relationship with them has been skewed.

    It is alot worse with my mom though. My mother has a very deep resentment towards me and I have no concern or love for her, and we both have good reason. I try to maintain a cordial relationship with my mom but I don't want a deep emotional bond with her, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same way.

    Last night we got really mad and it really hit home how hollow our relationship is. I have not felt any concern for her for a decade, and she has harbored a very deep resentment and hatred for me for the last decade.

    So what advice is there for trying to maintain a cordial relationship w/o either of us developing a deep emotional bond? Neither of us wants that, but I'd like it if we could get along. The thing is we did get along really well, and the last fight we had before last night was in 2003. But what happened last night really woke both of us up to how hollow our relationship is, but I don't think either of us wants a hostile relationship. Just a cordial, albeit hollow one.

    Has anyone had this, and if so what did you do to try to make it work? The problem is most advice is based on fixing the rift and building a real relationship but neither of us really wants that. I'd just like to have a more cordial relationship where we are both aware of what is really going on.
     
  2. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    How old are you and do you still live with them? Do you feel obligated to have contact with them? If things are so bad why not just go your seperate ways?

    I spent close to 5 years not talking to my mother and just recently started working on our relationship again. Sometimes you need some time apart.
     
  3. illmaceyougood

    illmaceyougood New Member

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    You don't have a choice who you're born to. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean you have to love them.
     
  4. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    or have anything to do with them.
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    This may become possible if they also want it. You may want to have a simple, emotionless and detached discussion with them wherein you discuss your lack of connection, and that you'd like to "get to know them better"

    If they agree, it demonstrates a willingness on their part, and you can now proceed. You can then start off with baby steps of getting to a cordial, arms-length, cautious friendship type of relationship.

    If they seem ambivalent about entering into this arrangement with you, then I'd just leave it alone.

    Your only contact then should be a simple Xmas card, and birthday card every year, along with a change-of-address card, as needed.
    Other than those three items....NOTHING.

    They can contact you when they're ready or forced to. This may not happen until some kind of serious sickness sets in, or they reach old age.
     
  6. Hedweb Buddha

    Hedweb Buddha New Member

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    I'm 27, I don't live at home, I am visiting for summer and I have one more year of college. I plan to leave and go back to my college town next week. I am financially self sufficient at college and should be after I graduate as well. Normally I only see them 2x a month while at college, I come home every other week to visit them and my brother, his wife and their 2 kids.

    I get along ok with my dad and I think he sometimes wants to reconnect with me, but with my mom there is too much resentment and hatred on her part and too much indifference and suspicion on my part to want anything as far as human connection goes. So I guess just a cordial 'hello' when I see her and not really take it beyond that is the best route to take.
     
  7. Jeez;

    This is such a common problem with so many people, and it's been one of mine, too.
    I think the only relief I got is doing the kind of program that Johan suggests above, if you can manage it. Most parents are not capable of apologizing to their children for anything, no matter how incredibly harmful their choices and thoughts are, from what I've experienced.

    What worked for me was going on minimum dose of parental units, time-wise. Like telling them you're starting a much more hectic school year and can only see them once a month, or just Thksgvg and Xmas even.

    Outside of dissolving your relationship with them completely after testing the waters, as Johan suggests, rather than continue a toxic relationship that can seriously act as a contagion on all your other relationships/life. I don't know what else to recommend, nor done that (disconnected completely) for more than a few years. Can't say it was much better without them than with them.

    But how often do your parents visit your grandparents? For me: three, two, once a year as I've grown older.

    I was thinking also of a third party to help remediate, but I can think of no one that could help in any long term way in my own case. I really don't make a lot of time for my parents any more. By teenage or college age, most parents' concepts about "what's for your own good" (dangerous words) have pretty much panned out and worn out their usefulness, with few exceptions.

    Neither would my parents be receptive to the personal breakthrough that I've catalyzed in myself in the last few months. Besides connecting with quite a few people via some forums, I'm still re-engineering myself on the inside, and will stay low for a while longer, moving only slowly up the ladder if/when I feel ready.

    I don't know if I'd be the one to solve my own parental problems even if I knew how. It would cost me a tremendous amount of time mental effort. The solution would have to minimize these factors.

    The question to ask yourself with anything is: "How is this sponsoring thought, or this relationship, serving me in the present?"

    sincerely,
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2006

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