how do you know if you should break up with your girlfriend?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by IceGod, Jan 3, 2009.

  1. IceGod

    IceGod New Member

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    So I've been in a relationship for about 6 months now, it's actually my first relationship. We've gotten really close in that time and shes completely in love with me but I'm not sure if I love her and the issue has come up a couple times. I just tell her I don't want to say it unless I'm absolutely certain.

    She was cheated on twice before me and I guess had a shitty childhood so she has a real mean streak in her which comes out very often. When I first started seeing her I ignored it for the most part because I wanted to see all the good things about her. But now that we have been going out I'm getting really sick of the bad side of her personality. For example whenever we watch a movie she has to talk shit about any of the attractive girls in the movie. It's always the girls and only the attractive ones, and she does it damn near every movie. Very bitter and cruel and exaggerated stuff. Every attractive girl is a troll, skank, whore, slut, frog face, ugly, etc (her words). It's to the point where at certain scenes in movies I know she is going to talk some shit about the girl and sure enough she always does. She also will randomly talk shit about girls in public too. I view it as insecurity but she insists she's not insecure.

    Shes possessive, will sometimes cover my eyes if there is nudity in a movie and gets infuriated if she even suspects I am looking at another girl. She also deleted a couple numbers out of my phone of girls I know. The mere mention of the subject of porn gets her angry and I don't look at it anymore out of respect for her.

    Well I've been trying to get her to drop the attitude and just be the sweet, caring, innocent girl I think she can be but she hasn't really changed all that much. Part of me thinks she can change because one good thing we have is excellent communication and we are both very honest with each other. I think the fact she got cheated on in both relationships kind of jaded her and made her paranoid and I was hoping if she got with a decent guy she could see not all men are pigs and I could change her.

    I recently gave her an ultimatum that unless she drops the attitude and chills out I don't want to be around her. I'm tired of paying for other guys mistakes and after 6 months she should know by now I don't deserve it. She got very serious and said shes done with it and over it so we'll see how that goes.....

    Problem is though I've been thinking even if she did drop the attitude and change, is this a girl I could consider marrying? Or having kids with? Honestly my gut says no, not unless things changed. Then again that could just be my viewpoints on marriage and kids, but I think if I was truly in love I'd be willing to marry. Maybe love could grow but right now I don't think its there. So I ask myself why am I in the relatinoship if I really see no future in it? It's hard for me though because I think I really want to be in love with her and for her to be the one, I don't want to have to go back to being single again, so maybe I'm trying to force it. There is also so much investment we have with each other, it's hard to throw that way. She probably knows me better than anyone I've ever known and for the first time in my life I've seen what it's like to be around someone who truly cares for you.

    I dunno it's weird on paper she really doesn't sound like that good of a girlfriend, but I do care about her a lot and some part of me just can't make up my mind and pull the trigger. She is very attractive and we do have a lot in common and get along pretty decently. Then again I'm a very easy person to get along with. I actualy broke up with her once already but we got back together like 3 days later. It was basically based on all this stuff I'm talking about now, I didn't think she was the one. She just asked me if I enjoyed spending time with her and I said yes, then she said that's enough and to just relax and not worry about love and all that stuff and that it would grow. Maybe it would I don't know. It's really hard for me to relax though because I feel like if I just drag this on I'll just end up hurting her even more.

    Sorry to ramble, just hoping someone out there has something to say that might trigger me to make a decision.

    The fucked up thing is that today is her birthday.... lawl
     
  2. fray

    fray New Member

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    Ages?

    It is. And if by some small chance it is not, then she is just very very mean, and that is worse.

    IMO, this is no reason to stay with someone. You are trying to date the person she COULD be. That is not who she is. She may never be that person. Do you want to waste your life away waiting for the girl you're with to become the person she might be capable of being, or do you want to be free to find the girl who is what you want? She is a rescue and you feel bad leaving her because of that and because this is your first relationship.

    It is my experience that guts are really rarely wrong - especially upon first impression.

    If you were "truly in love" you may still not want to marry if you are young and not ready for it. Not really a good barometer of those things.

    Don't wait for love to grow. You'll waste your life. This is why people divorce so readily. DON'T SETTLE.

    You can care about friends. You can care about gf's, but not in the "right" way (i.e., you really shouldn't be dating). Don't confuse this with how you feel about someone you should be in a relationship with.

    Doesn't matter if it's enough for her. Is it enough for you?? If it was, would you be posting about it here?

    --

    One time a boy said that to me after... I don't know... four months? I had never said "I love you", but he said, "I don't know if I can love you". I took this hard, because a) I wasn't asking him to love me, and b) what does that mean - "I don't know if i can"?? It was hard. It would've been easier if he had said I don't think you're right for me, or something more solid. Not something that sounded like it was pliable. I begged him to just wait it out and see if something more came of it. We broke up like a month later for the same reason. I felt heartbroken at the time (it seems silly now when I think about it), and I think that was because it was so...not concrete...the way he did it. I didn't even really care that much for him. I wasn't all into I love you or anything. It was very odd. Anyway, rambling, but a somewhat similar story.

    The main point is, are you happy? You have to do what makes you happy. In the end, when you find the right person, you will be with them for a very long time. Do not commit to one that will make you feel like you wasted your life and energy away when you look back at things. It sounds like you already have a decision within you, you're just scared of change and scared of dealing with what that means.
     
  3. IceGod

    IceGod New Member

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    I'm 28 and she's 23. My story is a long one but in the past couple years I started going out a lot and studying game and all that stuff. My goal was to get a girlfriend last year and I accomplished that but now my goal is to find someone I can truly fall in love with.

    I'm sure it's insecurity. I think she's just afraid she's going to get cheated on again.

    I do see your point, part of me feels like I should give her a chance though. I mean she gave me a chance, trust me I was no good in bed when we first tried, in fact I couldn't even get it up. Well partly that was her fault, I remember the first night in bed and I was very nervous and not all the way hard (she also knew it was my first time) and she told me she was "worried about my size" and then started talking about how her ex (husband who she is going through a divorce with) had some huge penis and describing it in detail. Needless to say that hit me right where I was insecure and it took me a while to get over. I have a normal penis (6" length, 5" girth) but I grew up on porn so I always thought you needed some massive cock to please a girl and I thought mine was incredibly small compared to what I saw in the videos so I was very afraid I would not be enough for a girl. I knew I had to talk with her about it though and explained how that really hurt me and we got over it and now she says she is very satisfied sexually. However at the time I did think it was a pretty fucked up thing for her to say and very insensitive and cruel. She just said she didn't realize and was sorry but even now that just seems like something a nice girl wouldn't do. I remember her grabbing it like she was testing its thickness and length and I felt like she was judging me and I felt tremendous pressure. It took a lot of comfort to be built before we could really do it. She was patient in that sense though...

    It's funny you say that, my initial impressions of her were pretty accurate, I thought she had a nasty side to her and was a bit over aggressive and quick to anger and that it would eventually bother me, sure enough it did. Looking bad I probably should have ended it then and trusted myself but I had gotten so far with her and didn't want to give up all that I guess. There were a lot of bad signs really... I guess I just really wanted to see the good signs though.

    I guess part of me thinks it would be stupid to marry the first girl you are with, but if I was really in love I wouldn't have a problem with it I don't think. If I'm happy I don't think I'd feel the need to be with other girls or constantly wondering about the relationship like I do in this one.

    There is definitely a big part of me that feels like I would be settling if I stayed with her. I think the only reason I do is I'm not looking forward to going back out into the club/bar scene. I know I would miss her a lot too, it wouldn't be easy, but I guess that's not an excuse.


    --
    I'm definitely scared. Scared I will do the wrong thing, scared I will have some really traumatic experience with some other girl (STD, cheating, lying, etc). One thing I can say for her is I do believe she wouldn't cheat and I feel she is very honest. I do think that's special but then agian I really don't have the experience to compare her to anything. I don't have a previous girlfriend where I can say she is so much better than my old one in this way and that. It doesn't help that she paints a horrible picture of the dating scene, how I will get cheated on, lied to, we have a really good thing I just don't know it, etc.

    Right now I really feel unhappy though, I feel like I'm kind of dreading making the decision my gut is telling me that I have to make. This is gonna be awkward, I really want to be happy for her and let her have a good time on her birthday but that will be hard if I know I'm thinking about breaking up with her. Your post helped though, thanks.
     
  4. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    I was in a similar situation except she was OK with the porn, and not as extreme with the other stuff. I still got a lot of grief in other ways though.

    At the end of the day your gut instinct knows that it's not going to work out. The part I've quoted is what you really need to think about, sure you could get along for a while longer but clearly things are doomed to fail so the longer it goes on the more painful it gets. Time to go your own way.
     
  5. fray

    fray New Member

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    PM sent regarding the rest of the stuff.

    You will always be able to find excuses to put it off. Birthday, special weekend, bad day at work, finals coming up, etc. It sucks, but sometimes it's best just to do it. If you can put it off for a day, that's fine. You don't need to do it mid-party or anything...because you are still kind of mulling things over. But don't keep putting it off if it's what needs to be done.
     
  6. JamesL

    JamesL wat

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    It sounds to me like you know what you need to do.

    First "real" relationships are always difficult, because you will have a tendency to stretch things out far longer than they need to be... you will make compromises and settle in ways that you would laugh at a few years from now.

    Pull her card and get it over with. You will feel 100x better.
     
  7. Alexqzilla

    Alexqzilla New Member

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    Time to dip bro
     
  8. Alexqzilla

    Alexqzilla New Member

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    Keep in mind, the next relationship will be a lot better. You'll have a lot more XP. You will have a much easier time knowing how to handle yourself, and you'll have a clean slate with a new girl. It will be great. :)
     
  9. bearsdidit

    bearsdidit OT Supporter

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    You can't change people.
     
  10. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Its your first relationship, like with anything else the more experience you have the better you become at it, the more clear it becomes to you. I don't recommend over thinking it this time, or any time really.

    You are being introspective and that is good.

    It sounds to me like it's about time to move on, if however you find her to have some redeeming qualities or you find you two get a long great or have a similar interest/sense of humor, then see what comes out and enjoy yourself :)
     
  11. IceGod

    IceGod New Member

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    Thanks for the advice guys :) She just sent me some text swearing she is going to change and how sorry she is for how she behaves etc so I guess I'll give her a couple weeks, if I see no change by then then I'll just end it.
     
  12. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    fuck that shit. Just the insulting random people/actresses would be enough, but deleting phone numbers ?
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Are you shitting me? Run away man. I remember your past thread and I know this is your first real relationship, but chalk it up to experience and dump this girl. The honeymoon phase is ending and you are quickly realizing you've got a nightmare on your hands. She's very very young and way too insecure. Glad you finally lost your virginity and all but you do NOT need to stay with this girl.

    And sweetie, she knows you better than anyone because she's the first woman you've had close to you. Do not be blinded into thinking this is the kind of girl you are going to marry and have kids with. She's nowhere near ready for a healthy relationship. She might tell you she's going to change but she'll revert back to her ways without serious introspection for her insecurity. You are so much better off cutting and running at only 6 months before you drag this out WAY longer than it needs to be. Don't keep making up excuses for holidays and birthdays either.
     
  14. HoneyBunny

    HoneyBunny New Member

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    It doesn't sound like you are happy. You are probably best off with someone more mature.
     
  15. IceGod

    IceGod New Member

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    So I'm going to break up with my girlfriend today... I am freaking out about it though, getting some intense anxiety and it really doesn't feel good. I guess it's because even though I know I'm not in love with her and don't really see a future with her she's a lot better than nothing and I don't know how long it will be until I find another girl that I actually like. This is the same thing that happened the first time I broke up with her, I thought about her constantly and really missed all the affection and attention she showed me. I don't think that's love though...

    The first time I broke up with her it was like an 8 hour discussion and she kept arguing with me over the reasons I was breaking up with her. First she was angry, then sad, then scared, then tried to guilt trip me, then started trying to make out with me and offering sex which I refused, god it was a pain in the ass. She got me to concede some points but I held my ground on that it didn't feel right and it was over. Later though she talked me back into getting with her when we had sex again and she said just don't worry about the whole love thing and enjoy our time together.

    This is really annoying because things are actually improving between us and she has stopped talking shit for the past few days but regardless I still don't feel its right and dont feel I'm in love with her.

    Anyways, I want it to go better this time so do you guys have any tips on what I should say or do to make it smoother this time?
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Nope, that's not love at all. Being lonely will make you rationalize in crazy ways, but this is for the best.

    You have to stand firm. You can't let her turn it into an 8 hour discussion. You believe it is over and it should be. Nothing she should say should sway you. No promises of change, nothing. Just tell her why and tell her it'd be best if you two didn't talk and that's that man.
     
  17. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    say the bolded. she can try to argue that, but she wont have any solid points against it. you tried. you thought this through and this is your conclusion. dont stay and listen to her argue against it. say your piece and leave. its the best thing for both of you. she can find a guy who can love her, and you can find a girl you can love

    good luck
     
  18. fray

    fray New Member

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    Say your point and leave, if that's what's needed. In this case, you've decided and that's that. When you break up with someone, they don't get to argue why your reasons are wrong or say no. It just is. So, if she's turning it into a whole ordeal, say your piece and leave so she can't do that. Especially if you don't think you'll stand strong on it.
     
  19. IceGod

    IceGod New Member

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    You know what's fucked up too? On her birthday I took her to a club and since she is a very attractive girl she got a lot of attention. Well some dude came up to us and asked "dude is that your girlfriend?" and I said "yeah". Then he said "man you are so lucky!!". I smiled and laughed but inside I was doing the =\ face. I wish I saw it the way he did...
     
  20. fray

    fray New Member

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    maybe you could've bartered her to him for something...
     
  21. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    he doesnt know her, he was only basing it off the way she looked. if you were satisfied to just sit and look at her for the rest of your life without adding any personality in, you would probably stay. reality is, you cant just sit and stare at her, and since you know you dont like the personality, you are doing the right thing by leaving.
     
  22. IceGod

    IceGod New Member

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    Well I guess there is no easy way around it, so I'll post how it goes later tonight. It is going to be a bit of an awkward break up though because she is a little bit tied to me so I can't just completely break it off with her.

    We share a phone bill since it saved money on all the texting we were doing and I helped her get a 3000$ car since I got tired of driving her around all the time (she should have that paid off in 5 months or so). I suppose I could ask her to just mail the money to me or something but I still need to tell her exactly how much the phone bill is each month so we can split it. I dunno maybe we will still be friends afterwards or something. I know you guys are going to laugh at me for doing all that but hey she was in a really shitty situation financially and I was able to help her out with no skin off my back so I figured why not. Now if I had just bought her a car outright that would be something else.

    I did learn a lot from the relationship though, more honest with what I want and that sort of thing. Next time around I'm not going to pay for EVERYTHING though
     
  23. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    call the phone company and get her off your bill. dont wait until the contract is up. i would say its even worth it to pay the fee to have it seperated if there is one. my ex and i were on the same phone bill for years. when we broke up, i called and had it switched immediately. its a bad idea to have those ties still

    and more details on the car situation? you loaned her $3k and she is paying you monthly? Or the car is in your name and shes paying it off?
     
  24. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :uh: Not another one of you guys. In 6 months?

    Jesus. Please learn to NEVER do anything like that again.
     
  25. IceGod

    IceGod New Member

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    LOL. The loan is mine but the car title is in both of our names and she pays her own insurance seperately. She's paying me monthly with BAH payments she still gets from her ex who is in the military which is about 500$ so it should be payed pretty quickly. I thought about doing it for a long time and realized the worst possible thing that could happen is she doesn't pay me back and I honestly don't care about 3k and knew it would help her situation a shit load so I figured why not. I didn't do it based on the fact that I was getting laid or anything like that, just the fact that with so little effort on my part I could help her out tremendously. But yeah I won't be doing that again if only for the fact that it has tied me down to her.
     

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