SRS How do you forgive?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by sway, Dec 4, 2007.

  1. sway

    sway New Member

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    Such a simple question right? Yet I have no idea how to accomplish this magical feat of forgiving someone..anyone. I hold grudges, end friendships, let go of family...never forgive.

    My biological father was an abusive alcoholic that cared more about football and beer and his whores than being any sort of father figure and would beat the shit out of you if you got in his way of doing anything he wanted. My mom finally got the courage to leave him and get a divorce after 12 years of marriage... I was 6 when it happened. At the time, I just repressed all of the feelings I had about the whole situation and focused on my friends and most importantly, my mom. I started cleaning the house and doing all of the chores and trying to cook and get myself to school while my mom worked 2 jobs and went to school almost full-time to become a nurse and my older brother played video games and tried to beat the shit out of me like he had seen dear old dad do for so many years. Finally around the age of 15 I started having nightmares about my father and the situation I grew up in and started resenting my mom for staying in such a horrible situation and for being gone so much. I turned to my friends for any support I needed and was horrible to my mom. I've never forgiven my father. I haven't spoken with/seen/heard from since him since I was 9 or 10. I've never forgiven my brother. We are now grown adults and I still resent him. I've never forgiven my mother. We have a good relationship now, but I've never forgiven her. Part of me thinks that because I have never forgiven her, life is playing some cruel trick on me where I end up making all of the mistakes she did. I fear it's all a big circle and that my kids will one day grow up and resent me as well. I resent myself. I have not forgiven myself for all of the stupid choices/decisions/situations that I've managed to do or get myself into throughout life.

    I want to learn to forgive. Forgive my mother, father, brother, husband, previous friends...everyone, including me. Holding onto the anger and resentment and hatred is hurting/consuming me. I feel dead inside and like I will never be able to really love anyone. I've battled depression off and on since the age of 15 when I started having the nightmares. I'm tired, and I think I'm finally ready to let go of it all and move on. I just don't know how.
     
  2. Sexy Beast

    Sexy Beast New Member

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    Communication is the answer!! Talk to them and tell them how you feel without getting too overly emotional and upset. They need to understand you before they can help you and you can mend things. Telling us this story is great but it's just a story to us, tell it those who can relate and maybe together you can both be proactive about the situation.
     
  3. sway

    sway New Member

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    Communication is not possible in some of the cases. For instance my father. As much as I have thought about finding him and seeing if he's changed and trying to have a relationship with him... I will not do it. I'm not at a point in my life where I can handle it if I find something bad and I don't want to invite more drama into my life.
    With my mom, I'm not going to sit down and tell her I resent her for not caring about herself more when we were little. I know she hurts enough over the whole situation. I'm not going to rehash it and make her sad.
    With the previous friends, I have no idea how to get in touch with them anymore. Everyone has grown up and moved away.
    With my brother... I can talk to him all I want, but nothing proactive will come of it.
    THe only person I can work on forgiving is my husband, and I am trying to do that. I just wish I knew how.
     
  4. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

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    First off you have been through A LOT as it is. And honestly I think you need to see a professional and work on you before you try to forgive anyone else. Once you get through that first hard part on forgiving yourself I agree that you do need to talk with these people. As you said some people may not be around, first try mending things with people that you can communicate with. Your mom and your brother, they're still around there and it sounds like although you resent them you're starting to realize that they're human and they make mistakes as we all do. And I think that you know your mom loves you. Why else would she have worked two jobs to maintain you and your brother? She went through a hard time in her life and unfortunately you got hurt too because you were in the middle of it. So, as I suggested right now work on you. How you can get over the things you're done that you're not too proud of. After that you have to communicate with the people who you still resent, try to understand and just move on. Good luck.
     
  5. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    You don't have to forgive...you can accept that what's done is done and you can make sure that your children are not exposed to them or their behavior.

    You have your own life and your own family to tend to. Worrying about people that have caused you pain your whole life is just going to lead you to not take care of the family you've created.
     

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