SRS how do you forgive someone who does not desire forgiveness?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by pew pew pew, Aug 11, 2009.

  1. pew pew pew

    pew pew pew OT Supporter

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    ive been holding a grudge against my dad for a while now for among other things, cheating on my mother, me finding out and having to tell her, blowing her retirement $$$ on this woman ($60k+) and most lately he flipped out and "disowned" me because i was suspicious about something he was doing and called him out on it..

    i know forgiving someone is supposed to be healing and i don't want to hang onto it anymore. we aren't on speaking terms anymore. he doesn't understand how much he hurt me/the family. he wrote me a birthday card with a message that was basically "sorry for the way things are" not specific or heartfelt (others confirm this, not just me being biased). he insists that he was conned by the woman he cheated with.

    i want to forgive and move on but he doesn't see anything worth being sorry for anyway. what do i do?
     
  2. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

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    What you really seem to be asking is how do you forgive someone that doesn't think they did anything wrong (Not that they don't desire forgiveness). Now, your dad may just be too old and proud to admit that he hurt you (If you did approach him as benignly as you said), but you don't really know what he's feeling. He might feel terrible and actually really value your forgiveness. Did you try and tell him how disowning you made you feel and that you still love him and want to move on? Not pussyfooting around it or basically saying it, but actually saying these things?

    And to answer the question, forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. Nothing they can do can force you to hold onto something. If you really want to forgive him, and he he still doesn't think anything was wrong, then let it be. It doesn't matter if you let him think he's right, it doesn't sound like something he would hold over your head. And in the grand scheme of things, you'll feel much better. It sounds like you want to be right and in these situations, being right doesn't matter. It doesn't earn you anything and the victory feels cheap in the end.

    But I'm willing to bet that if you outright declare that you forgive him and would like to move on, he'll take it to heart. He might even admit he was a jerk.
     
  3. pew pew pew

    pew pew pew OT Supporter

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    ive talked to some of the relatives he has talked to about the situation and he honestly doesn't think the things he's done warrant me being upset...
    according to him, his cheating and stuff was 'embarassing' and 'a mistake he made' by 'being conned'
    i refuse to go to family events that he will be going to, most recently he didn't go as a courtesy to me i guess and he told my mother "see, look how good i am, i sacrifice going so he can go"

    he didn't say once say sorry or ANYTHING after the argument where he said i wasn't his son and he was disowning me.

    oh btw, my dad is chinese :o
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Write him a letter where you tell him that he dishonored and destroyed the harmony in the family, and that he needs to quit being stobbern and admit his mistake and apologize for the damage that he has done.

    You need to make him 'feel' that he is doing something wrong, by asking him how he would feel if his own father would cheated on his mother, and spend all the money in the house, that was supposed to be used for his education on a woman who took all the money and then left everyone of you behind.

    Tell him that if he still doesn't understand and feel how he hurts others this way he must be truelly blind, naive and living in a dark tunnel , where the hurt of his own family cannot even reach him. Beg him to apologize and aknowledge his mistakes, tell him how you are consumed by hurt every day.
     
  5. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Tell him forgiveness can be bought... for the low low price of complete reparations to your mother's retirement fund. Only 11ty payments of 29.95. :hsugh:

    Seriously, though... you need to lay it out for him. In person is preferable, but if you've tried that and it doesn't work, then a written letter. Keep it as short and concise as possible. Use lists. Get it proofread by an unbiased third party who's great with grammar and written communication. If he still doesn't get it, well... it's the whole "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" thing.

    Do try hard not to hate him, though. If you do, you're allowing something you can't control to dictate a part of your life.
     
  6. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Forgot to add: After you've written the letter, put it away for at least a week where you don't think about it or things related to it. Then re-read it and make sure it's what you wanted to say.
     
  7. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    you forgiving him is for you, not him.

    so forgive him and move on. whether he agrees to be forgiven or not is not your concern.
     
  8. pew pew pew

    pew pew pew OT Supporter

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    yeah ive been bouncing this idea around in my head. maybe i don't understand forgiveness in the first place, especially in this context. i guess i feel like i need him to have a sense of remorse.. he's so pompous he would just feel gratified that i wasn't upset at him and whatever he is doing already is right. its like i would be feeding the machine. hes extremely arrogantand thinks im wrong for being hung up over this.
    i don't want to be mad to punish him, im not mad really anymore, its turned more into a mix of acceptance, disappointment and frustration.


    :bigthumb: ill try this
     
  9. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    this is entirely your problem, not his. whether you forgive him or not, it won't affect him either way. so do what you need to do for you to be at peace.
     
  10. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

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    You don't have to agree with him to forgive him.
     
  11. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    You have nothing to gain by holding it against him. You have much to gain by forgiving him.

    Regardless of what your ego makes you think, this is no lie: Your father holds you in high regard, and he knows the rest of his life will be miserable if you regard him as a complete failure.

    Now place yourself in shoes like that. YOU cheated on your wife and your son hates you for it. YOU blew 60 thousand dollars on some bimbo. YOU disowned your son and now you regret it. What is the next punishment? YOUR SON NEVER SPEAKS TO YOU AGAIN?

    That's just brutal. A man like him made mistakes all their life and never learn from it, but you have the power, and make no mistake; it is a power.

    He is your father. Make him suffer? Or let the man who helped create you sleep at night...

    It can't be that important to you. You know it won't fix anything.
     
  12. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    Why don't you combine suggestions and forgive him while explaining all the damage? I agree with the letter idea and with postponing it for a week, I think that's a good plan that will help you not just write angrily and make your thoughts clear.

    Write him a letter that says "I forgive you for destroying the family", etc. and detail all the wrongs you believe he committed. Then let it be. Stop avoiding him. When you forgive someone it's because you forgive them, not because you're expecting reciprocation.
     
  13. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    you just write him off and walk away...

    forgiving someone is for you, not for them. You don't need to tell them you're forgiving them
     

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