How do you do this whole Listening thing?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by BradUF, Jan 20, 2008.

  1. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    No really because I assume this would apply to any girl that talks to you. How do you just listen? Do you stare off into space or go uh-huh so they know you listening or what? What type of responses are being looked for when a girl is telling you about something because I know they don't want a solution to the problem or advice. I have really big issue when anyone talks to me I try to provide and solution because I can't think of what else anyone would want. I always give one and it is a waste of time because they never use it or anything.

    And I learned this from a class that there are keys to good listening but I have no idea what they are.
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    If you are not actually listening to them then don't dare pretend or try to think of ways to make it appear you are listening. Seriously Brad.

    I know when my bf is not listening and I just stop talking because what is the fucking point? If you aren't interested in anything she is saying don't pity her by fake listening, sheesh.
     
  3. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    No I care or I wouldn't proivde a solution but the problem is I try to fix everything. This applies to anyone that is talking to me.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Alright, well with women I honestly think it would be extremely beneficial for you to read my fav book (this is honestly the most perfect reason to read it) You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen (Guz2000 has it now I think). It at least explains to you that women don't NEED you to have a solution to our problems when we spill them to you. We just want you to listen. As long as you kind of give a damn about what we are sayijng, give us eye contact and respond every so often then we find that better than any "advice" you could give us.
     
  5. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    Already read some of that book and I had to write a paper on it. You know what the topic that was picked for us? We had to prove that Deborah used bad sources for her book and she was bending the truth. I failed the class just because of that paper.
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :dunno: Well I know as a woman it's dead on in it's principles. We don't want men to solve our porblesm, even when we say "help us" we are pretty much actually saying "please let me bitch about my problem and then you just comfort me, ok?" So you can complain about the book all you want but the point still stands-women just want to be listened to. Which requires eye contact, occasional commenting or head nodding, etc.
     
  7. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    So do I just sit there and just say everything will be fine. Im sure things will work it self out? And then at the end of the convo make sure I don't provide a solution?

    I suppose it is just me in general that I come off as a know it all in everything. People have said thing about it before.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2008
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Well every situation is different, you know? It can depend a lot on the woman as well which is why listening is important because you need to understand what the person is looking for. There are times when I truly just want to explain my problem and have my bf (or whoever is listening) just agree with my opinion and yes, just say something stupid like "everything will work itself out" or "just wait it out, it'll be ok" just because I can't fathom hearing their opinion if it is much different than mine.

    However, there are other times where I truly ask for advice and I am willing to hear whatever they have to say, but only after I've told them everything. Always wait til the end. This is true for men and women, you should always let someone spill everything they think they have to say, then wait for your cue to speak (which is usually obvious).
     
  9. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Women are smart, they can handle their own problems. Only when a woman outright asks what she should do should you try and solve her problem(s) for her.

    If you're talking to a girl or your gf and she starts venting about an issue, just acknowledge what she's saying and her emotions. If she's talking about something one of her bitch co-workers did to her, say something like 'Wow, that's totally an asshole thing to do." Give positive reinforcement to whatever emotion she's feeling. Let her know that you care about the fact that she is affected in whatever way she is, and that you agree with what she's feeling.

    This is one thing I've picked up on very well in my current relationship. She would tell me that I'm not listening to her, which I genuinely was, but at the same time I wasn't percieving her correctly.

    Likewise, it's perfectly fine to tell her you disagree with a certain way that she's feeling. Sometimes women need to hear that they are over-reacting or blowing something out of proportion. The key to this is just presenting it in a non-offensive way. This also asserts that you have a backbone and you have no problem telling the girl when she is wrong, instead of being a doormat and just going along with whatever she says.

    It's important to talk to her, and throw in your comments about whatever her issue is. It's not that hard to do if you genuinely care about what she has to say.
     
  10. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    You know, offer advice and solutions just don't get pissy or mean if she/we don't act on that advice
    "my problem is x y and z"
    "that sucks, have you tried a b or c?"
    "yes/no"
    "you're (smart/strong/resourceful/whatever) and I know you'll get through it, let me know if there is anything else i can DO to help"

    Listen, offer advice, but remember your main role here is to comfort and listen.
     
  11. Pringles

    Pringles New Member

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    What kind of listening are we talking about? Because theres at the bar listening where your just get key points and nod. Or there is at the g/f's house and shes pregnant and you need to figure out what to do. In general most women when they have problems tend to think they are right. What you have to do is listen to their whole thought process before you can even begin to get some say in the situation. Then pick apart pieces and turn it into something you want.

    Doubt that answers the question, but what type of listening are you asking about?
     
  12. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    the only time i ask for my bf's opinion is during a game of pool :mamoru:
     
  13. CaiWooBlue

    CaiWooBlue New Member

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    eye contact is always a good thing, in my opinion
     
  14. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    what brad is asking is actually a very solid question. i think the best answer would be if one of you girls could post an example of a conversation or just name a scene in a movie in which someone is "actively listening."

    i REALLY try with this because
    1- men don't work that way, but its something women appreciate
    2- i actually believe that on top of that, im even worse than the norm.

    WAY more than half the time, i'm being attentive but nothing happens more than nods and uh-huh's. Then comes the second problem, which is forcing conversation.

    Lets say i just meet someone and i know a few things about them through an introduction. like they lived in australia for a year, for ex. all of a sudden if i'm "listening" it turns into an interview. "so how'd you like it? whats so great about it there? blablabla"

    all that being said i think the clue to "being a great listener" is to be attentive and make the other party feel good about themselves nomatter what the subject is.

    still, a fucking example would go a LONG way. edit: the type of listening i'm referring to is when you first meet someone (or close to that). i tend do do well with "girlfriend" listening because at least at that point there are no more taboo subjects and i can say whatever i really think as long as its worded right
     
  15. Drunklands

    Drunklands New Member

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    I think this level of active listening is more for when a woman is talking to you about a problem or issue she has.
     
  16. Ari1979

    Ari1979 New Member

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    I love my gf, she's an incredible person but she frustrates the shit out of me when we're having a conversation about something touchy like a problem or personal issue she has...

    Why the fuck are women ALWAYS right?! I find myself agreeing with some of the stupid/illogical shit that comes out of her mouth simply because i want the conversation to be over. Why are women so fueled on emotion? :ugh:
     
  17. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    They are not always right. In fact, most of the time the "solutions" we men provide are the best possible things they can be doing for their situation.

    With the rise of feminism, however, girls have this thing in their heads where they have to be "independent" and figure shit out on their own, and any solution provided by a man is him "lording" over her.

    Now, I'm not saying that women THINK this, but this is the subconscious feeling that comes to women. Not every girl consciously thinks that a man is lording over her her by offering a solution. Not at all. It's just a part of the "attitude" of the day that women need their independence and that you trying to solve her problems is encroaching on that...which is why she gets angry with you.

    There's nothing WRONG with them thinking like that (although I think it's pretty damned ignorant for her to get angry with you for trying to offer solutions). The door swings both ways. If you understand that she just wants you to listen, then SHE needs to understand that you as a man are "programmed" to offer solutions.

    In other news, why the fuck does this thread exist? :rofl: Do we really need instruction on how to listen? Um, you tune your ears into what she is saying, you take her words in and process them, and then you respond in a way as to show her you were listening to what she said without trying to fix everything for her.

    Sometimes it's helps to repeat back some of what she said to you in a different way.

    An example:

    Her: I was at work today and I was working my ass off and we were short people tonight (as always) and I was getting SOOOO frustrated. And then this customer comes in and starts yelling at me because I took too long to wait on him and I was so fucking mad. blah blah blah blah

    Correct Response: That is ignorant. If I was a customer and I could see that you were shorthanded and you took a long time to wait on me, I'd be annoyed, but I'd try to understand.

    Incorrect response: Have you tried talking to your boss and telling him that you need more people on each shift?
     
  18. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I find that (bold) total bullshit sir, but at least you redeemed yourself with the italicized.
     
  19. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Yeah well a person, man or woman, is rightfully allowed to always stand by their thoughts and decisions. And trust me, all women do not subconsciously think men are "lording over them" (lol, WTF is that?) or stifling their freedom when they don't agree with them. They just like to be right. The same way men always like to be right. Men just usually give up on the "I'm right" fight because they don't feel like dealing with it for long and just tell themselves they are right anyway.
     
  20. Weirdo1769

    Weirdo1769 Guest

    Whether it be with my girlfriend, or just a random stranger chatting me up, I always listen to what someone has to say, then either relate to their situation by connecting it with something I've experienced and then relaying that back to the person or I just tried to empathize with what they are saying. And, for the majority, I am always interested in what someone has to say because I believe you can learning something valuable from almost everyone you come into contact with. Whether it be learning meaningful information or learning how not act, interactions give us a chance to acquire lots. Whatever I am doing must work, because people seem to open up to me for no reason and sometimes it uncomfortable, because I can get into a conversation about a random topic and the person winds up telling me their brother is a drug head. :hsugh:
     
  21. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    :ugh: I can't believe im going to have to point this out to you.

    1. you are being silly. deep down inside women want you to be their rock. your twisted version of "feminism" is only surface deep. I date exclusively confident, smart, competant women, yet they consistently they turn to me for direction, comfort, or solutions when they need it. I have the good sense to not offer them advice when they know what they need to do and just need a hug and a sympathetic ear.

    2. you are being foolish for calling a question about "listening" foolish when your whole problem is that you are not listening. you are getting caught up in the details.

    her+decoder: someone was rude today and stressed me out. some days my job is better then others and today was a bad day. I feel stressed and sad and a little bit angry right now.

    the italic part is her problem. solve that

    she never asked you how to make the store run smoother, because that is not currently her concern. she doesnt give a damn about the store because she feels bad now. and thats a lot more pressing then streamlining the business operations of her employer. no matter how many improvements you make to the system, bad days and angry customers will still happen, so stop being so smug about your poor "solution" to the wrong problem.
     
  22. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Luckily you don't actually know jack shit about feminism :wiggle:
     
  23. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :rofl: :werd:
     
  24. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    The situation here isn't a woman not wanting your advice b/c its 'lording.' its generally that its a stupid fucking problem with a stupid and easy solution, which she knows, and for whatever reason isn't ready to implement.
    She's not looking for advice, period, b/c she knows what to do, she just wants to talk about it and get it off her chest. We like to communicate our feelings.


    Example: last night (I know i've been going on about it but its a big part of my life atm) I was crying to my boyfriend about how i'm tired of watching my friends die/go insane/ruin there lives with drugs, and I want out of the whole thing. I know (and expressed) my options are as follows
    1. wait it out until I graduate (in less than a year) when i'll be moving for law school anyhow (best option financially, worst mental health wise.
    2. Move out of my house and stop talking to everyone (not feasible to really cut everyone out while still going to this school)
    3. Move home to the coast NOW where shit isn't as bad, and take the financial hit, and a bit longer to graduate (best mental health wise, worst financially)

    I didn't want anyone to select an option (i've made up my mind I think) and although i'd be open to new ones, I REALLY just want to express why i'm sad. That expression makes me feel better. I just wanted to cry and be held.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2008
  25. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :bowdown::bowdown::bowdown:
     

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